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This disorder is so confusing


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I am currently feeling like it doesn't matter if I die or if anyone else does, then obsessively trying to figure out why it does matter with excessive rumination cause I don't want to have this mindset. When I feel like I have found some sort of awnser, I get confused again because I think "you only feel that life matters because you're alive" Cause it wouldn't matter to me if I were dead. I guess I've always kind of had this problem, it ties in with the classic harm OCD I used to have. I remember a couple years ago when I was terrified of becoming a killer and eventually began think to myself "what's wrong with killing" and just ruminate on that on and on again. So, despite how rational the thoughts feel, how confused I may be about these questions of mine, or even if do believe life doesn't matter, it was all just OCD? What the f*ck.

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Yeah. And it's keeping you stuck. It's eping the thoughts at the forefront of your mind.

You know, you don't have to answrr the question of whether it matters if people die. You are allowed to leave it alone. It's not something the average person dwells on.

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On 19/11/2021 at 17:10, PolarBear said:

Yeah. And it's keeping you stuck. It's eping the thoughts at the forefront of your mind.

You know, you don't have to answrr the question of whether it matters if people die. You are allowed to leave it alone. It's not something the average person dwells on.

What gets to me is that people with OCD are supposed to know their thoughts are wrong, right? It feels like I genuinely don't know the awnser and that's scary

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Hey @Savy

I have a question. Do you immerse yourself in happy hobbies & interests, or prefer the darker side of things?

It is just your profile pic seems far from happy!

I used to be into old skool jungle/drum bass music. I still in in moderation, but some of the stuff I listened to in my younger days was quite dark & sinister!... I am pretty much into any type of music now, & even some classical stuff, but I just think these darker things can effect us if we are prone to depression, ocd, & so on, & it not immediately obvious!

 

 

 

 

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@SavyI had the same problem, you feel like you don’t feel that these thoughts are wrong and this scares You, so You are scared because these thoughts are wrong. So don’t worry just let the thoughts go You don’t need to engage in this kind of thoughts.

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14 hours ago, ThomasOCD said:

@SavyI had the same problem, you feel like you don’t feel that these thoughts are wrong and this scares You, so You are scared because these thoughts are wrong. So don’t worry just let the thoughts go You don’t need to engage in this kind of thoughts.

Yeah they don't feel wrong in the moment.. it's that exact feeling which kickstarted my OCD in the first place. Lately, I've been getting breif feelings that life doesn't matter and it wouldn't matter if I were to uh kms cause I wouldn't pay no mind to it being dead and all. When I feel that I have reached some sort of conclusion or satisfaction with these thoughts, my mind reminds me of how I only feel this way because I'm alive and wired to feel that way. I keep trying to disprove or like cancel out that mindset in my head through rumination. It's really dreadful stuff! I hope I don't dive into some suicidal obsession, I don't think I could handle that.

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@SavyDon’t pay attention to this thoughts my went away and I feel much better, now when I think of these kind of thoughts I see them as wierd and illogical and I let them go. I hope You have a good day ! 

Edited by ThomasOCD
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4 hours ago, ThomasOCD said:

@SavyDon’t pay attention to this thoughts my went away and I feel much better, now when I think of these kind of thoughts I see them as wierd and illogical and I let them go. I hope You have a good day ! 

Yeah I have ruminated on some other ******** thoughts like this in the past and I can look back on them that way now.

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