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Harm OCD feels real


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I have had various checking and harm thoughts over the last 15 years. However this year I had a single bad harm thought that popped into my mind and felt real and I was very ashamed of, it was very upsetting. I then spent hours each day ruminating and trying to understand what happened. The thought now repeats which is even more upsetting. I am the most gentle person and would never harm anyone.

Is this still OCD? Has anyone else experienced this? I find it difficult to let go of the guilt that I feel.

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@MiniYes I did even worst then that, I was doubting myself if I am going crazy or what if this is how it’s supposed to be that people are made for harming each other and more and more I was so affraid. But then I realised it’s just random thoughts that don’t make sense and my OCD was giving me this thoughts and intrusive impulses to make me anxious and to keep ruminating. It feels real because this disorder wants us to keep ruminating. Try not to argue with this thoughts and impulses

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1 minute ago, ThomasOCD said:

@MiniYes I did even worst then that, I was doubting myself if I am going crazy or what if this is how it’s supposed to be that people are made for harming each other and more and more I was so affraid. But then I realised it’s just random thoughts that don’t make sense and my OCD was giving me this thoughts and intrusive impulses to make me anxious and to keep ruminating. It feels real because this disorder wants us to keep ruminating. Try not to argue with this thoughts and impulses

Thanks - I agree- it’s definitely the ruminating that causes the problem. I’m sure many people without OCD don’t worry so much whatever their thoughts are. Really appreciate you sharing your experience and advice!

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One thing to bear in mind is that although rumination seems automatic, it's not.  We are the ones who do the thinking as a means of solving the problem.  If we accept that this is another compulsion we can start to not drift into this endless internal conversation.  We do literally have to train ourselves to stop engaging g with it.  Be aware of when you find yourself thinking and stop the internal discussion.  You'll find that you slip back into it, you stop agai  and turn your attention to whatever you're doing.

OCD isn't a little gremlin with a dastardly game plan..... "It" doesn't want us to do anyhing, there is no "it".  It is our own mind trying to solve a problem/fear thought.  If anything, the fact that we spend all this time ensuring the safety of self or others makes us "too safe" to the point where we don't function freely as we should.

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Thanks Caramoole. It’s also interesting to understand how much guilt we can struggle with. I think that’s the case whatever the thoughts are, intrusive, unwanted or simply regrettable. I think I need to try and be kind to myself and stop going over and over analysing why the thoughts happen and feeling guilty each time as things will never get better that way. 

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I’m trying to do my own CBT which has worked well for me with checking compulsions in the past but not now. I think it’s more difficult because the compulsions are more in my mind, googling and ruminating.

I think my problem also is that the thoughts are not “what if I….”  But are now “I’m going to….” 

It’s very upsetting and I know I wouldn’t do anything to harm anyone so I don’t understand why the thoughts carry on. 
 

I worry that the new way the thoughts are now means it might not just be OCD anymore but is this just the OCD making me feel that way?

 

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18 hours ago, Mini said:

Any tips for exposure for this? Or simply how I should react to the thoughts?

Very simple, DON'T react to the thoughts. Allow them to be in your head without giving them meaning, without trying to push them away, argue with them, or analyse them in any way.

Consider that your exposure.

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