Gave into compulsions

[Busy Fool]

Hi,

Feeling really anxious and unable to stop compulsions.  I start the day trying to be positive and then something happens.

Today, a parcel has arrived which has a big red mark on it and I of course think BLOOD!  It's next to a written number in the same colour.  I panicked.  I was wearing gloves and spent ages trying to find where I can dispose of them.  Washed my hands.  Put clothes in washing machine.  Washed my hands.  Sorted the gloves out.  Washed my hands.  Sprayed disinfectant in places I could have touched, including the washing machine.  Washed my hands.  Had a shower.  Now I am sitting here very upset / angry that I've fallen for OCD again.  Deep down, I know that it isn't even blood on there; it looks like the original writing got smudged and someone has written it again.  Even though I know this, I am scared of the parcel that is now sitting in the house.  What a waste of a morning, again  

Sorry, just needed to rant, not after reassurance, I'm just so tired of feeling like this...

[Saffron37]

You know what's cool about your message? Reading it, I don't get someone asking for reassurance. I get someone who is sick and tired of what this is doing to their life. I see someone who is tired and sad but also angry and ready to fight. You clearly have good insight into your behavior, and you have a lot of desire to change. What's next?

[Tamagochi]

I guess that after being aware of so much time and energy lost in this pathetic way it is just better to take the negligible risk and lick with your tongue the red mark on that parcel.
 

It seems that HIV or Covid or hepatitis C or all together can be better than OCD.

 

[Busy Fool]

4 hours ago, Saffron37 said:

You know what's cool about your message? Reading it, I don't get someone asking for reassurance. I get someone who is sick and tired of what this is doing to their life. I see someone who is tired and sad but also angry and ready to fight. You clearly have good insight into your behavior, and you have a lot of desire to change. What's next?

Thank you.  That's the problem, I don't know.  It's so exhausting.

[Busy Fool]

4 hours ago, Tamagochi said:

I guess that after being aware of so much time and energy lost in this pathetic way it is just better to take the negligible risk and lick with your tongue the red mark on that parcel.
 

It seems that HIV or Covid or hepatitis C or all together can be better than OCD.

 

Thank you.  Don't think I will be doing that but I know what you mean.  

[Saffron37]

38 minutes ago, Busy Fool said:

Thank you.  That's the problem, I don't know.  It's so exhausting.

How about doing some self-help? I can give you some great book recommendations!

 

[Busy Fool]

2 hours ago, Saffron37 said:

How about doing some self-help? I can give you some great book recommendations!

 

Thank you, that would be great.  I am reading Brain Lock and have read Break Free From OCD.  

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, Busy Fool said:

 I am reading Brain Lock and have read Break Free From OCD.  

How are you getting on with the books? Is it helping your understanding of how OCD works and what to do?

[Handy]

We choose what to think about. 

[Busy Fool]

12 hours ago, snowbear said:

How are you getting on with the books? Is it helping your understanding of how OCD works and what to do?

I am getting there on what I need to do, although I'm having trouble finding the courage to do it.  Because it's mainly contamination OCD, it's difficult to know what is a real concern or OCD.  I find it harder when it involves my children as I worry that if I just say, that's my OCD and it's not, it could harm them.  

[snowbear]

Having the courage to do it is the thing isn't it? Really hard sometimes.

Asking yourself,  'What's normal and what's OCD?' can be tricky while your view of the world is skewed by OCD. You'll always overestimate the risk and shift the safety way beyond what is realistically needed. So rather than focus on that aspect, I suggest you work on changing the meaning you give to the contamination.

If you tell yourself you might harm your children every time you try to find the courage to take a risk (and remember it's a perceived risk not actual risk) then you'll never take that step, because you'll never knowingly hurt your children.

So break the link you've made in your head between 'not-doing OCD' and your children's safety. Tell yourself the risk you're taking is about OCD and OCD alone. That you're taking a risk that your perception is skewed, taking a chance that you overplay risk in general in your head. Nothing to do with harming your children whatsoever.

Break the link you've created between 'risk/ contamination' and 'imagined worst case scenario consequences' because that link is 100% OCD thinking, nothing to do with reality or actually keeping your children safe.

Hope that shift in focus helps you find the courage to resist.

[Busy Fool]

On 03/12/2021 at 16:54, snowbear said:

Having the courage to do it is the thing isn't it? Really hard sometimes.

Asking yourself,  'What's normal and what's OCD?' can be tricky while your view of the world is skewed by OCD. You'll always overestimate the risk and shift the safety way beyond what is realistically needed. So rather than focus on that aspect, I suggest you work on changing the meaning you give to the contamination.

If you tell yourself you might harm your children every time you try to find the courage to take a risk (and remember it's a perceived risk not actual risk) then you'll never take that step, because you'll never knowingly hurt your children.

So break the link you've made in your head between 'not-doing OCD' and your children's safety. Tell yourself the risk you're taking is about OCD and OCD alone. That you're taking a risk that your perception is skewed, taking a chance that you overplay risk in general in your head. Nothing to do with harming your children whatsoever.

Break the link you've created between 'risk/ contamination' and 'imagined worst case scenario consequences' because that link is 100% OCD thinking, nothing to do with reality or actually keeping your children safe.

Hope that shift in focus helps you find the courage to resist.

Thank you so much.  I will try to apply that.