I think my partner might have OCD

[Theeggshellwalker]

My partner moved in with me a couple of years ago and initially I thought he was just quite particular and wanted our home to be like a show home. Over the years I have got rid of most of my furniture ( he didn’t like it) and many of my possessions in order to be tidy and clutter free. We are now down to the spare room which is where things were put and short of parting with things I need I am a bit stuck. Sadly I think I have made things worse instead of better, as I thought becoming ultra tidy would help. I think I am getting drawn into his rituals and I now hate my house, I also feel completely exhausted with it all and don’t know what to do. I have mentioned ocd to him and he claims I am the one with the problem as I am too messy, cannot organise my life, waste time, etc. He also completely over reacts whenever plans change and he can’t do things his way. He won’t accept he has issues and I don’t know what to do. It isn’t just the house either, I get told where to put things in his car, what and when to do things on holiday. He seems to be in a high state of anxiety a lot of the time and he often blames me for it. What can I do to manage this situation better? Is it selfish to want to reclaim part of your own life back when you’re living with someone with these kind of difficulties?

[snowbear]

Hi Theeggshellwalker,

It sounds like your partner struggles with being able to tolerate uncertainty and his desire for tidyness and a clutter-free envirnonment is probably about maintaining a feeling of control. His accusation that you're the one with the problem also sounds like self-defence.

Unless he's willing to accept he has a problem and engage in therapy there's not much you can do to change how he is. Which leaves you reclaiming your life by other means - setting boundaries and sticking to them, getting on with life your way. I suggest you allow him to do his compulsions for now if he wants, but refuse to join in his compulsions. Try to get him to see what's 'reasonable' and what's his OCD by standing your ground. It might highlight for him just how far he's allowed OCD to dictate your lives and your home environment. Then do your best to persuade him the time for change is now.

[Fran]

Hello,

Reading this, I can completely relate. And it can be exhausting having someone else dictate all these things that may seem trivial but actually form parts of your daily life and enjoyment. It can be a hard environment to relax in.

Something that’s helped me recently is putting my foot down and choosing to do things on my own so that I get that alone time to relax outside of the anxious environment, it’s not selfish at all, it’s looking after yourself. Although you might want to put energy into doing the best thing for your partner, you need to do that for you first.

Also having therapy of my own and reading to understand and learn more. It can sometimes help to remind yourself that the behaviour may be separate from the person, I started to resent my partner but realised kindness/understanding is often what’s needed.

It’s not always as easy as that though, and over time it can make you feel differently about the relationship. If the person is unwilling to accept there is a problem and want to help themselves (properly), there is only so much you can do and you have to make choices for yourself - and if that means reclaiming part of your own life back, that’s important.

You’re not alone.