OCD and having children

[Cerrys]

Hello! 

I am hoping some of you can help me I am a 27F I am in a stable relationship. I suffer from sever OCD with cleanliness, I have a phobia of sick. I have to stick with routines and find change incredibly difficult. I also have social anxiety and depression though these can be controlled with routine, healthy eating and exercise (mostly) 
I have always said I don't want children due to this, I feel that any issues that I have would negatively effect a child. I also worry that I would genetically pass on my OCD to a child and they would have to live with it as well. 

I do want a child though and I was wondering if there others out there that have had kids and know of coping mechanisms ect that could help? I know my partner would like a kid and has said he would support with everything. He is fantastic and I know he would do everything he could but there is only so much that support from him can do. I feel like I need a full plan in place ready before I could even consider having a child. 

I know my OCD is struggling with just the thought of having a baby changing everything and I dont know if I can overcome this. 

[malina]

Hi @Cerrys,

I don't have an answer but I wanted to reply because I'm in the same position as you and reading your post made me feel less alone. I want to have a baby in the not too distant future but I'm absolutely dreading the idea as well. I have harm related OCD mainly and I keep thinking that having a baby will only make life more difficult. Then again, how much are we willing to let this disorder take from us? Sure, having a child will probably be difficult, but giving up on your dreams and plans because of a disorder seems so much worse. Somehow I'm hopeful that it'll work out and that any pain along the way will be worth it in the long run.

[Cerrys]

2 hours ago, malina said:

Hi @Cerrys,

I don't have an answer but I wanted to reply because I'm in the same position as you and reading your post made me feel less alone. I want to have a baby in the not too distant future but I'm absolutely dreading the idea as well. I have harm related OCD mainly and I keep thinking that having a baby will only make life more difficult. Then again, how much are we willing to let this disorder take from us? Sure, having a child will probably be difficult, but giving up on your dreams and plans because of a disorder seems so much worse. Somehow I'm hopeful that it'll work out and that any pain along the way will be worth it in the long run.

I am so glad it's not just me! I don't want to let my OCD dictate my life and I have been very strong with other aspects of it. This just really seems to be a blockade for me! I really hope it works out for you, I'm sure the fight will be absolutely worth it! 

[snowbear]

3 hours ago, Cerrys said:

I have always said I don't want children due to this, I feel that any issues that I have would negatively effect a child. I also worry that I would genetically pass on my OCD to a child and they would have to live with it as well.

I don't want to let my OCD dictate my life and I have been very strong with other aspects of it.

Hi Cerrys,

It's great you don't want to let OCD dictate your life.

The risk of passing OCD on genetically is complex and in my opinion is not significant in the bigger scheme of things. Particularly compared to the effect of having a parent who is controlled by their OCD.

If you're planning a family, my advice is to not let your OCD stop you, BUT do get some good CBT for your emetophobia and other OCD issues as a priority.

Babies vomit, children vomit - a lot! You need to be clear how you'll cope with it both practically and emotionally. Your partner may be willing to 'mop up', but the reality is he won't be available 24/7. And then there's nappy changes, runny noses... the only 'coping mechanism' that really works is to overcome the OCD.

But what an incentive to fight for recovery, right? Keep your goal of having a family in mind when the going gets tough and best of luck!

[Dakagraphics-David]

Hi there... Right from the first exciting bedtime, right up to the birth, babies are indeed messy... And even after that! Teenagers don't get ill, regardless of how untidy their rooms are... Babies are amazingly resilient very quickly... We sterilise their feeding bottle to start with, but once they start moving around, well... When we ourselves were tiny, we rapidly developed resistance to our world around us... Human Biology is absolutely amazing!  I'm a grandparent now, but I still remember that children are amazing, They seem to change daily, grow up fast... They are definitely hard work, but oh, so worth it... Mind you, as grandparents, we can pass them back when we need a bit of a rest!! Parenting is the most rewarding job in the world... Definitely!  Reasonably clean is a good watchword... Babies and Children need to be gradually exposed to the germs of the world they live in, it is biologically important, so they can grow up healthy and strong.  And Christmas? Well... Children make Christmas magical!

David

 

[Handy]

You should get counseling for your OCD before having kids. Pregnancy changes your hormones which can raise your OCD. Search the forum for pregnancy. 

[Tamagochi]

I do not like being the one who “sets the black clouds in your sky” but I also tell you by my experience that for me having children was a big trigger of my OCD issues. 

I had some OCD crisis when I was young from 15 yo until 20 yo with different things but I got over them by myself without medication. I did not even know that I had OCD.
Then I never had OCD anymore (I was like 20 years free of OCD).
Then I relapsed at 40 years old with a terrible sexual orientation OCD crisis, I had never questioned before my sexual orientation but out of the blue some scary thoughts crossed my mind about: what if I am gay and I did not realise until now or what If my sexual orientation is changing now?. The most painful of those doubts and thoughts was thinking about my very young new born Child. What kind of father would I be if I live in denial ?, what if I will leave my Child and start living with another man?.
I remember it was even terrible when I was with my Child because I felt so guilty, anxious and at the same time with all kind of doubts, compulsions, groinal responses…

It was definitely my fear of not being a good father or failing my love ones what made me fall into that spiral of self destruction.

After approximately 2 years in that OCD crisis I managed to get over it completely, I recovered myself slowly and I recovered my certainty about my sexual orientation as it always was. Now I even laugh on that crisis and I regret all wasted time and all wasted physical and psychological health on that.

In my opinion OCD is rooted on your deepest fears and your deepest fears may be related with damaging or failing to your love ones (your Children).

 

[Hd120820]

Hi I will be honest I have a beautiful toddler but I did find that when I had my little boy my ocd was really bad I had harm ocd and loads of intrusive thought about my son which at the time I didn't realise I had ocd when I told my doctor I did CBT and realised I had ocd all my life but never had a diagnosis, when I found out what I had a was able to deal with it and move forward I still do get the occasional intrusive thought about my son but I can now deal with them, but I would never let my ocd ruin my life my son is the best thing to ever happen to me and wouldn't want to be without him but be prepared with all the hormones it could make it worse or it might not xx

[malina]

On 06/12/2021 at 20:02, Cerrys said:

I am so glad it's not just me! I don't want to let my OCD dictate my life and I have been very strong with other aspects of it. This just really seems to be a blockade for me! I really hope it works out for you, I'm sure the fight will be absolutely worth it! 

Thanks! Honestly, I'm in the same position as you, it's turning into a real blockade for me too. I hope it all works out for you too and that we'll both be looking back on this in a few years, feeling like the fight was worth it.

[Darwinia]

Really agree with a lot of experience being shared here. I didn't realise I had OCD until after I had my child. I thought I had late onset post natal depression and just "over thinking" but realised a few years later what was really going on. In fact OCD (before I realised what it was and how to fight it) is what stopped me having another baby/ If I'd known it was OCD - the ****** - I'd have gone for it but with an awareness of what was likely to come up for me. 

So... I agree that a) don't let OCD take having children away from you. How dare it! b) buckle up, get fit and get your armour on before you start trying - do your CBT, get to know your enemy, get skilled up in fighting it because most parents I know are hampered by lack of sleep and general bewilderment/stress of having a wakeful demanding little person in their lives and that will make it harder to keep OCD in check c) get yourself some buddies who have been through it. 

The other thing I have noticed is that being a parent has made me fake it until I feel it in so many ways. I can deal with spiders, poo, vomit, the dark, mean dogs, mean adults...so much more when I have a little person watching me because I'm aware that I'm being a positive influence on them.  Dealing with OCD in front of my child feels like a positive thing (now I'm mostly winning) because I think it's showing them that mental health problems are not something to be scared of (just like physical health) and it gives me a reason to try harder to do the things I know I need to do to keep getting better.

Also - be aware of the fluctuations of hormones and that they might pull the rug out from under your feet. Not a reason not to have children, just part of being prepared.

 

xxx 

[malina]

7 minutes ago, Darwinia said:

Really agree with a lot of experience being shared here. I didn't realise I had OCD until after I had my child. I thought I had late onset post natal depression and just "over thinking" but realised a few years later what was really going on. In fact OCD (before I realised what it was and how to fight it) is what stopped me having another baby/ If I'd known it was OCD - the ****** - I'd have gone for it but with an awareness of what was likely to come up for me. 

So... I agree that a) don't let OCD take having children away from you. How dare it! b) buckle up, get fit and get your armour on before you start trying - do your CBT, get to know your enemy, get skilled up in fighting it because most parents I know are hampered by lack of sleep and general bewilderment/stress of having a wakeful demanding little person in their lives and that will make it harder to keep OCD in check c) get yourself some buddies who have been through it. 

The other thing I have noticed is that being a parent has made me fake it until I feel it in so many ways. I can deal with spiders, poo, vomit, the dark, mean dogs, mean adults...so much more when I have a little person watching me because I'm aware that I'm being a positive influence on them.  Dealing with OCD in front of my child feels like a positive thing (now I'm mostly winning) because I think it's showing them that mental health problems are not something to be scared of (just like physical health) and it gives me a reason to try harder to do the things I know I need to do to keep getting better.

Also - be aware of the fluctuations of hormones and that they might pull the rug out from under your feet. Not a reason not to have children, just part of being prepared.

 

xxx 

I love your post! It has honestly made me feel a little empowered, especially the part about being a positive influence on your child. Thank you for sharing!

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, Darwinia said:

So... I agree that a) don't let OCD take having children away from you. How dare it! b) buckle up, get fit and get your armour on before you start trying - do your CBT, get to know your enemy, get skilled up in fighting it because most parents I know are hampered by lack of sleep and general bewilderment/stress of having a wakeful demanding little person in their lives and that will make it harder to keep OCD in check c) get yourself some buddies who have been through it. 

The other thing I have noticed is that being a parent has made me fake it until I feel it in so many ways. I can deal with spiders, poo, vomit, the dark, mean dogs, mean adults...so much more when I have a little person watching me because I'm aware that I'm being a positive influence on them.  Dealing with OCD in front of my child feels like a positive thing (now I'm mostly winning) because I think it's showing them that mental health problems are not something to be scared of (just like physical health) and it gives me a reason to try harder to do the things I know I need to do to keep getting better.

Also - be aware of the fluctuations of hormones and that they might pull the rug out from under your feet. Not a reason not to have children, just part of being prepared.

 

Love this!