Afraid of doing something bad without remembering

[Chipman]

Hello ... For 2 years I have been afraid that I hurt my child when I was drunk without being able to remember it.

I've gone through 100 scenarios ... But I just don't get to a point. The thought came to me the morning after a party with my colleagues. At first everything was great ... And then from one moment to the next while I was playing with my child, the thought shot into my head that I could have willfully hurt my son. I had a panic attack straight away and have gone through various scenarios to this day. But I just can't remember anything that has to do with my child.

I remember the conversations with my colleagues, what I watched on TV that evening, what I ate ... I even remember going to the toilet ... just not this one thing.

But I still feel guilty. I don't feel guilty all the time either ... In the moments when I'm clear I know that I haven't done anything. But from time to time I always have doubts ... And it drives me crazy.

Could it be that I've done something and just suppressed it?

How can it be that the fear feels so real even though I can't remember doing something?

In addition, when I leave the house, I have to look three times to see if the stove, door and window are closed ... I rarely come out of the house without double checking that everything is properly closed.

In addition, I had developed an anxiety disorder 4-5 years ago when I stopped smoking weed ... but I had the anxiety disorder largely under control by the time this thought occurred. Since that thought and the fear that it could be true, I have no more symptoms of an anxiety disorder.

What do you think? Do I have ocd or am I just a bad person who just doesn't want it to be true? How can I prove to myself that I haven't done anything?

[Chipman]

Hat keiner eine Idee? Oder klingt es nicht nach ocd und ihr antwortet mir deshalb nicht?

Edited to translate:

Does no one have an idea? Or doesn't it sound like ocd and you don't answer me because of that?

Edited December 7, 2021 by snowbear
Translated

[Mthecatlady]

Hi @Chipman

I didn’t want to read and run. I have similar thoughts. I find myself wondering if I have hit someone while out driving and didn’t realise it. With OCD you begin to act on these thoughts with compulsive behaviour: checking, googling, seeking reassurance, ultimately seeking certainty of what you may or may not have done. 
A lot of the time nothing has happened, so you can’t remember, but OCD can make you doubt that.

Only a professional can diagnose someone with OCD, but there are some OCD behaviours you describe. 
 

Have you spoken to a doctor or therapist about medication or therapy?

[Chipman]

Hello ... thank you for your answer. That's why I haven't been to a doctor or therapist and don't take any medication ... I'm too ashamed.I needed to be overcome to post something like this anonymously in a forum.

And yes, you are absolutely right about what you say. When I have such a bad phase again, I always look for confirmation or similar topics on the Internet. After that I usually feel better and when I feel better I can even laugh about the stupid things I grind my head.

But I only feel better until I start to doubt again .... And then everything starts all over again ... Very exhausting.

The worst part of the whole thing is that it affects my child ... My child is everything for me in my life ... I would do anything for the little one and I absolutely love him ... the more shameful it is for me that I am I was afraid of ever having done something to him without being able to remember it.

The thing with the doors is also sometimes very stressful for me ... Last summer I walked 10 kilometers home from the beach at 40 degrees just to see if the stove was off ... I have a dog and would never forgive myself if something happened to him through my stupidity.

But most of all the thing with my child kills me ... I hope you can give me a few tips on how to deal with my thoughts. Or at least give me an honest answer whether that sounds like ocd or whether I just suppress that I'm an *******.

Thank you and greetings

[Mthecatlady]

Please don’t feel ashamed for feeling this way. I understand it can be easier to talk anonymously  though. 
 

The compulsions - googling, checking, reassurance seeking, hand washing, cleaning etc will only provide temporary relief. OCD will say ‘okay, fine, but what if…’ so you perform more compulsions, becoming increasingly anxious. 

Stopping the compulsions is the best way to deal with it. That is a difficult thing to do but when you do it it feels so much better. When you want to google, stop yourself. Play a game, do an activity, make something, distract yourself. 
I have therapy and take citalopram and find it helpful. 

[Chipman]

But how do I end the compulsion?

Is it even possible that a person forgets to have done something that is so preoccupying?

And if I had actually forgotten it ... Shouldn't I have remembered it a long time ago with all the scenarios I went through?

Sometimes I feel like I'm frantically looking for evidence that I've done something ... and not that I haven't done anything.

But if I haven't actually done anything bad, I can search until I'm 100 years old ... Where there is nothing, nothing can be found.

But why do all the reasons that speak for the fact that I have not done anything just give me no certainty and no good feeling? I keep saying 'what if' ...

[Chipman]

How do I best deal with it?

[PolarBear]

Welcome to the world of OCD.

What you need to do is leave this alone. Let it go. Spend no more time trying to figure it out.

You have spent two years trying to figure out if you did something bad. Did you figure it out? Are you closer now to an answer?

No.

I guarantee that no matter how much time and energy you put into trying to figure this out, you will not find an answer. It is a truth about OCD.

Trying to find an answer is a compulsion. So is going through scenarios in your head. All they do is make you more stuck. They lead to more anxiety and doubt.

[Chipman]

A huge thank you for your answer.

But how do I best do it when the thought comes? Should I get distracted? Should I accept the thought? How should I look at myself?

I find it incredibly difficult to accept that something like this could be possible.

[PolarBear]

When an intrusive thought strikes simply tirn your attention yo something else. Whatever you were doing previously is fine.

Give yourself permission to leave these thoughts alone. You do not have to do anything with them. You are allowed to let them go.