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Feeling so so scared


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Hi everyone 

I’m really really suffering and struggling with my ocd. It’s getting really bad to the point it’s making me feel awful 

I am a new mum and recently my ocd has turned into constantly worrying about baby and harm.

My intrusive thoughts keep flooding in and then after I am paranoid about any movement after that.
Example - I get an intrusive thought whilst holding baby and then after that if I move a certain way whilst holding him or flinch or intentionally move or just for no reason move then i start panicking and questioning why I moved ? What was the motive behind me moving? Why did I move if I got the intrusive thought ? I should have stayed completely still? Then the panic comes in. I don’t know whether it’s my mind playing tricks almost like I’m so scared I shouldn’t move but move ? It’s not because I move because of the thought - but after my mind makes me feel like I did? It’s like during the intrusive thought phase and after I get so panicky that I just move ever so slightly and in a way that my mind knows I won’t like. I cannot explain it at all very well - hoping someone can help me figure out what is going on here. 

specifically when I’m holding baby in my arms I am worried of his face being too close to me - then very distressing intrusive thought comes in about that and then after the thought  my arm may move ever so slightly that caused baby to move but I’m not sure why i moved my arm and then question why it moved ect, how could I move it, why did I move it, I’m awful for moving ect ect 

Please help what is going on here - I’m so scared . It’s one thing after another - I can’t seem to get any downtime from this at all. 

 

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Hi @M238,

I struggle a lot with self harm related thoughts and I had a very similar problem to what you decribe. Like I would get an intrusive thought and then do an action that would actually resemble that thought in some way and then think I did it on purpose, wanted to harm myself etc. One example - I was cooking and bent down to pick something up, my hair seemed to be in the pot and I had a thought "I want my hair to burn" and then I left it there for a few seconds before standing back up. It was literally a few seconds, I didn't want my hair to burn and nothing even happened but I completely panicked and thought I acted on the intrusive thoughts. That was just one example but I have a million of them!

These doubts you're experiencing about your behaviour are just OCD and the more you react to them the more frequently they will come. Just let it be, having a new baby can be stressful and a bit scary, but you also know that you have OCD and that it's the cause behind your thoughts. So go with it, when it happens just remind yourself of this fact, try not to ruminate or figure out why you moved, just let it go.

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15 minutes ago, malina said:

Hi @M238,

I struggle a lot with self harm related thoughts and I had a very similar problem to what you decribe. Like I would get an intrusive thought and then do an action that would actually resemble that thought in some way and then think I did it on purpose, wanted to harm myself etc. One example - I was cooking and bent down to pick something up, my hair seemed to be in the pot and I had a thought "I want my hair to burn" and then I left it there for a few seconds before standing back up. It was literally a few seconds, I didn't want my hair to burn and nothing even happened but I completely panicked and thought I acted on the intrusive thoughts. That was just one example but I have a million of them!

These doubts you're experiencing about your behaviour are just OCD and the more you react to them the more frequently they will come. Just let it be, having a new baby can be stressful and a bit scary, but you also know that you have OCD and that it's the cause behind your thoughts. So go with it, when it happens just remind yourself of this fact, try not to ruminate or figure out why you moved, just let it go.

Hi @malina

thanks for replying i really appreciate it - I hope you see this . I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time too and hope it gets better for you or is getting better for you?

it makes me feel awful - I would never ever act on the thought at all but, it scares me to death - it is just a movement that comes after the thought that somehow can be related back to the thought if that makes sense ? Like you’ve just described - I can’t explain it and I’m scared even talking about it . I’m scared to seek help is this common is ocd? I want to be healthy and happy, but I can’t . I love my family to bits and would do anything for them - I don’t understand why my thoughts always relate to loved ones 

Edited by M238
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3 minutes ago, M238 said:

Hi @malina

thanks for replying i really appreciate it - I hope you see this . I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time too and hope it gets better for you or is getting better for you?

Thank you! Well I went to therapy for the harm related issues and it has gotten a lot better, I was really struggling a few years ago but after a lot of work, I'm not too bothered by these thoughts anymore. The only thing is that I am also thinking about having a baby in the near future too and I'm really worried that it'll trigger all these thoughts again. As if having a life changing event and having to care for a newborn isn't hard enough, we have to throw OCD into the mix too. So I get you, I'm sorry this is causing you so much trouble at such a big moment in your life, but I really believe you'll get through it!

12 minutes ago, M238 said:

it makes me feel awful - I don’t act on the thought at all but it’s just a movement that comes after the thought that somehow can be related to the thought if that makes sense ? Like you’ve just described - I can’t explain it and I’m scared even talking about it . I’m scared to seek help is this common is ocd? I want to be healthy and happy, but I can’t . I love my family to bits and would do anything for them - I don’t understand why my thoughts always relate to loved ones 

From my own experience and from reading this forum, I think what you're describing sounds very common in OCD. I think your thoughts always relate to loved ones because OCD targets what is valuable to us, it wouldn't bother you if it was about something you didn't care about. I found CBT and ERP incredibly helpful and really recommend it. It definitely helps seeing someone who specialises in OCD though. Have you ever had therapy before?

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4 minutes ago, malina said:

Thank you! Well I went to therapy for the harm related issues and it has gotten a lot better, I was really struggling a few years ago but after a lot of work, I'm not too bothered by these thoughts anymore. The only thing is that I am also thinking about having a baby in the near future too and I'm really worried that it'll trigger all these thoughts again. As if having a life changing event and having to care for a newborn isn't hard enough, we have to throw OCD into the mix too. So I get you, I'm sorry this is causing you so much trouble at such a big moment in your life, but I really believe you'll get through it!

From my own experience and from reading this forum, I think what you're describing sounds very common in OCD. I think your thoughts always relate to loved ones because OCD targets what is valuable to us, it wouldn't bother you if it was about something you didn't care about. I found CBT and ERP incredibly helpful and really recommend it. It definitely helps seeing someone who specialises in OCD though. Have you ever had therapy before?

@malina

I am glad therapy helped you and hope you can still apply techniques to help you through it now. 
I hope I’ll get through it - it’s ever so frightening going through this
I’ve  had CBT in the past and it’s helped in the short term and I am on the list to receive some more therapy for this time round - it’s just all so overwhelming 

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18 minutes ago, M238 said:

@malina

I am glad therapy helped you and hope you can still apply techniques to help you through it now. 
I hope I’ll get through it - it’s ever so frightening going through this
I’ve  had CBT in the past and it’s helped in the short term and I am on the list to receive some more therapy for this time round - it’s just all so overwhelming 

Well it sounds like you're on the right track reaching out for CBT. You will get through it, all of us with OCD suffer but we pull through and so will you. But until the therapy actually happens, just keep in mind that this is just part of OCD and do the best you can not to pay too much attention or overthink your actions. Best of luck!

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15 minutes ago, malina said:

Well it sounds like you're on the right track reaching out for CBT. You will get through it, all of us with OCD suffer but we pull through and so will you. But until the therapy actually happens, just keep in mind that this is just part of OCD and do the best you can not to pay too much attention or overthink your actions. Best of luck!

Thanks @malina

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