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Really struggling with worries


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Hi everyone,

it's been a long time since I posted with any problems of my own, mainly because things have been going really well, but I need some help again.

To give you a bit of background, I have had OCD for pretty much as long as I can remember, but the biggest issue for me has always been thoughts/urges around self harm. I got CBT for this twice, worked really hard on all the ERP exercises, did everything I was supposed to do - and it got better! I also found that I could apply a similar principle to other OCD fears...but I'm experiencing something now that I can't quite overcome or apply all my learning to (yet).

Basically, my life is at a big changing point, my partner and I are thinking about trying to have a baby next year, we're also planning to try and buy a place of our own, get married and all of that stuff. This is everything I've always wanted, but for months now I've just been so frightened and distressed about all of it. I get all these fears about how it's not going to work out, how I'm going to be a terrible mother because of my OCD or how the baby is going to be unhealthy....and then there are other things like how I can't trust my partner, how our financial situation is going to get worse. It's just relentless how these fears keep bombarding my mind.

I'm seeing a therapist again, someone new this time who I've seen recommended on this forum, and she is really great. It's just that I'm stuck in therapy, she is getting me to work on letting go, not seeking certainty etc about these worries. But they seem so real that I just revert back to doing all the things I'm not supposed to.

With the self harm stuff, it was incredibly scary but in some ways easier. I knew that I didn't want to hurt myself and after I stopped avoiding things that scared me and learned to ride out the anxiety, I felt a greater sense of control. I think I'm struggling now because all of the fears seem realistic to me and they are out of my control.

I'm just a bit sad because everything that is happening in my life is good, these are things that I want and I want to be happy about them and enjoy these moments. I had major relationship OCD when I first met my partner and I couldn't really enjoy the start of our relationship, which is something I really regret. I don't want to get into a place again where I can't enjoy the process of us building our lives together.

So that's where I'm at, I really want to overcome this and I'm willing to put in the effort, but it's all weighing down on me and I'm finding it hard to muster the strength sometimes.

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Hi Malina,

Sorry that I can't help, but I just wanted to reply & say you are a good person, & also pass on great advice!

I understand that all the plans you have, whilst exciting, can be be great stressors too to people without OCD, & your OCD is likely to have a field day! I say, go for it! Do it all, & don't let OCD have its way!  

All the best!

:)

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Hey malina! 

Just like Felix I can't offer any help or advice, but I wanted to say I'm absolutely sure you're going to successfully figure it all out, sooner or later. It will probably be difficult here and there but that's life I guess so don't get discouraged.

You are such a wonderful, wise, kind and lovely person and I'm convinced that you'll find a way to handle the current worries just like you did with the harm ones. Also, I think it's great that you're seeing a therapist. 

You've got this, malina, you really have! ?

 

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Hi @malina.

Wow that's a lot of life event planning for anyone to contemplate at any time and it's all good positive stuff. Just keep pressing ahead. You've noticed OCD wants some part of it all and that's insightful. That it's started to bring you down is natural but it needn't stop you or at least bounding on like a determined person. Just remember, it doesn't matter the theme, it's all OCD and same fundamental challenge. Could be about lawn mowers or weddings. It's that pathetic a bully. So look, plough on and be insightful like you are, you know it will try, keep doing the do as best you can. Great that you're seeing a therapist and also reaching out with such a lovely post for support. Funny how we all see it in each other but struggle with ourselves. 

I guess I haven't much to offer other than stay with it, make those plans and recognise ocd for what it is. 

Njb

Edited by njb
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Thanks so much for your words @njb! You're right, these kinds of life events would probably be stressful for any person. Unlike me, my partner isn't a particularly anxious person at all, but he has his fears and doubts too...so perhaps this is all part of a normal reaction to change, just amplified and made worse because I have OCD.

We've been together for almost 8 years and have been talking about starting a family for ages now but we've been putting it off and I've realised that I could put this off forever, so it's time to just take the plunge and go for it. It's scary but I'll try to follow your advice and just plough on and deal with things as they come.

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Hi Malina, 

You deserve all this lovely stuff you've been waiting for. I'm rooting for you to stay strong and not let the OCD win. 

In your first post you mention worrying about whether you'll be "a terrible mother" - well isn't the fact you're even thinking about this a sure sign you want to do your best, and care enough to be a great one? You seem like a good person to me - let yourself enjoy it.

Also, @snowbear sent me a really helpful response on a similar question before: 

 

 

Edited by Hedgehog
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Hello,

I can identify with this and just wanted to support what @Hedgehogsaid about remembering that OCD makes us worry about doing/being the thing we are desperate not to. It will focus on the thing you care most about which right now is being a good mother.

A couple of things I notice from your post.

You have listed several life events which score highly on the stress test (even though they are positive): have a baby (for the first time), get married, buy a house and that you're aiming to do all of this in quick succession? And this is with the backdrop of the pandemic which is just a constant soundtrack of "stay alert, be careful, danger might be there...".  So I'm not suprised that you are feeling what you're feeling right now. We did things in a slightly different order - decided not to get married (family issues!), started trying for a baby, and then when our child was a toddler we bought our first house. Each of those three decisions caused me a lot of doubt and worry so I think doing all three at once must be really hard. So my suggestion might be that you pace yourself if you can and do what you can to minimise the stress of each exciting and happy event so that you get to enjoy them still. e.g. we paid for a packing service for our move and it was the best money I think I've ever spent!

Women without OCD also have these fears which is not to diminish the severity but to say that even without OCD you'd probably have concerns because they're major exciting things over which you will quickly find you have a lot less control than you thought and have to hold your partner's hand, take the leap and trust the advice you get from professionals - apparently even weddings can go that way! What you might work on is honing your OCD detecting sense so that you can screen out what it is trying to get you to focus on and do. You said that it was easier with self-harm because you knew you didn't want to do it - I can see how it's different with these examples, but OCD can latch onto something plausible and then inflate it.

It sounds to me like the fact you've done so much work already on your OCD, you'll be in an excellent position to challenge what is thrown at you and also, be brilliant at supporting your child to develop really good mental health because you'll no doubt have such a good understanding of how to develop wellbeing. 

What's brilliant is that it doesn't read like you've come on here looking for reassurance - well done! Just naming your emotions and your experience and being mindful of OCD being present in the background. 

 

Good luck

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Hi Malina. I totally empathise with everything you say and the worries you have are all too familiar to me. I struggle too with using therapy and its principles when I fear my worries are well founded and fairly reasonable. For me it's the safety and well being of my kids and parents mostly that affect me and cause my distress and worry.

Us ocd sufferers, by nature, are usually extremely deep thinkers, usually above average intelligence and really sensitive and caring people. All these attributes are a great combination for over thinking, worry and doubt. Us sufferers crave certainty when we know it's not possible. It's because we care so much. You will not figure out the answers to your worries and concerns and the time will never feel completely right: so my advice is not to try to figure it out. Take a leap of faith.

I convinced myself as a teenager that I didn't want kids. It wasn't true. It was because I was scared because my ocd told me I was odd and would not be a good mum. My ocd told me I would harm them and not love them. Ocd lied. I have loved them with every inch of my being from day one and been as good a mum as anyone I have ever met. You will be too. I guarantee you will be. Your advice to others shows how caring and kind and how highly intelligent and capable you are. Best wishes x

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You'll do it all Malina....and you WILL cope because you do have the knowledge there.  As the others have already said...,,these are life events that are massive for anyone, never mind being challenged by anxiety and OCD.  Exciting but none-the-less scary stuff.  I didn't have children because of OCD.....I don't have too many regrets because I wasn't really broody as such but my decision wasn't made of choice, it was made from fear.  That's not a good base for a decision.  You know you want children, so go ahead with your decision.

Just don't be too rigid with yourself on time scales.......it will all work out whatever.....just don't put yourself under too much stress, one step at a time :hug:

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Hi everyone,

thank you so so so much for all your replies and advice ? I guess you've opened my eyes to the fact that these ARE stressful things (it's not just me and OCD, they would be stressful to anyone) and that I need to pace myself a little. I realised one thing that is making this all worse is the pressure we're getting from our families. My partner's family don't know about my OCD and they can't work out why we've been together for so long and haven't taken any steps yet. My partner's mum came to stay with us over Christmas and I think that is partly what triggered me so much. My family, on the other hand, do know about my OCD but my mum seems to think that having a baby will just cure me because I'll be too busy to think about all this "nonsense" ? (if only it were that simple...). It feels like my dad is the only person who is being understanding and not pressuring me about where my life is going. So I think that step one will be to just do my very best to zone out all these voices and focus on doing things at my own pace.

Second thing you have made me realise is that, while these worries are more rooted in reality than the self harm issues, OCD latches onto anything and amplifies things. Back when I was worried about all the harm stuff, I would have given anything to just have some plain old, mundane, everyday things to worry about. So, even though these are real life things, I need to go back to accepting uncertainty and getting comfortable with the fact that I can't prepare myself for every eventuality and that I can't have all the answers right now. I have to take a leap of faith and just go for things without being certain of the outcome, because I can't be.

I think I've also been putting off really working on this because, with every new worry, I tell myself that this one is truly important, so I'll have to get an answer to this one and I'll work on letting the next one go. But of course it doesn't work like that!

Ok so I have a little working plan here to start the new year!!!

I hope you're all having a lovely new year so far!

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I would suggest maybe your OCD is latching onto change, and a way of differentiating your life plans and the most likely outcome from the outcome your OCD wants you to believe is to keep a dialogue open with your partner to see what they believe the most likely course of action to be. You obviously trust in each other’s judgement, having that support will be invaluable as you navigate a period of great change in your life. Hope you are feeling better than at the time of your original post. 

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3 minutes ago, GreenJet68 said:

I would suggest maybe your OCD is latching onto change, and a way of differentiating your life plans and the most likely outcome from the outcome your OCD wants you to believe is to keep a dialogue open with your partner to see what they believe the most likely course of action to be. You obviously trust in each other’s judgement, having that support will be invaluable as you navigate a period of great change in your life. Hope you are feeling better than at the time of your original post. 

Thank you for this! You're very right, my OCD always makes me think that a catastrophic outcome is the most likely one. That is the case with most big things and it has never turned out true yet! So maybe a dose of reality or a different perspective is a good idea!

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1 minute ago, malina said:

Thank you for this! You're very right, my OCD always makes me think that a catastrophic outcome is the most likely one. That is the case with most big things and it has never turned out true yet! So maybe a dose of reality or a different perspective is a good idea!

Likewise, catastrophising is definitely the way my OCD ‘holds on’ even when good things happen elsewhere. Sometimes it’s good to get a non-catastrophic viewpoint but good to keep an awareness of when you’re reassurance seeking if possible to not become overly-reliant on it.

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