Need someone to say hi to

[njb]

Hi,

Haven't been here in a while and hope everyone is ok.

Had a tough second half of 2021 as wife's cancer came back after 5 years free and is now stage 4. Treatable but not curable. Been ok though but OCD keeps knocking on the door.

Thought I was doing average but started to watch a 2016 called Siren and at start there is a back story so there's a figure in a nude suit creeping about and I flipped the usual anxiety as it dawned on me it was a young person. The whole scene is a bit grainy and definitely dark as filmed in a supposed late night church erc. There is a point where the actress seems to have a developed chest and this has freaked me out utterly. I went straight back to OCD habits and watched it endlessly. I can see breasts and think 'attractive' but then see person as younger and see nurturing only as in not attractive. I cant work out whether they've given false chest to look like the temptress in back story or whether I even care as I can see it both ways in terms of like don't like. I've been pouring over internet and think the actress was about 11 which has utterly shattered my world. I just don't know how to get past this now. Had this theme for so many years now I just feel so ashamed I've not managed to move on. I can't tolerate this zombie existence of anxiety and hoping for it to end.

I'm still so utterly susceptible to these invasions and spiral like an addict into bad behaviours. My logic side says that I couldn't see context ie grainy footage, can't make out age, figure not actually alluring etc but then it flips to you liked breasts and doubts over every second of the 1m or so of footage.

I guess I'm just looking for a friendly hi where it doesn't exist anywhere else and a reminder to self that ocd is a powerful beast just waiting to get back in there. I'm still shocked how quickly I can go from happy to utterly utterly depressed.

I am confident that given context ie seeing the age of the actress as in face etc and as a whole I would (hopefully) be calm and I  touch with real me. I just can't stop seeing it as attractive and then not and despite all the years of OCD I'm in the anxiety pit saying I'm a paedophile or into young girls and it is killing me all the same. I'm shaking, not sleeping and utterly convinced. Feel so alone and ashamed, especially as I can't think straight after all these years. I should be better at this.

Back to basics for me. Hope anyone reading is doing ok.

 

Njb

Edited December 29, 2021 by njb

[malina]

Hi @njb,

firstly, I am so sorry about your wife's cancer. This must be extremely difficult for both of you. Under such stress, unfortunately I think it's only natural that OCD would rear it's ugly head. You're under a lot of stress and your mind is just in overdrive so it's firing all these false alarm bells that are making you doubt yourself.

Don't beat yourself up, relapses are really common even after you have done all the learning that you can do. When life throws too much your way, you sometimes just revert back to old ways and struggle to muster your usual coping mechanisms.

Just take care of yourself, you're not alone, this whole community is here for you and, should you need it, therapy is always an option too.

[njb]

@malina  thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. Means a lot and your message is gratefully received. Very kind words and confidence inspiring. Hope you are well.

Thank you

Njb

[PolarBear]

You did slip back. Luckily you can step on the right path quickly and easily.

You are trying to prove or disprove. That's what OCD wants. Stuck there, working like mad, and not getting anywhere. It will never work. You'll never find the answer, but you will spiral deeper into the OCD abyss.

You've been around long enough that you know the repeated watching of the video, the Googling and the endless rumination are compulsions. They are the pointless work you do to find an answer that never comes.

You had an option, right at the beginning of this episode to leave it alone. It was a choice you had. You made a different choice and look at how that worked out.

The good news is that you can switch choices, right now. You can leave it alone. Choose to not care what age she qas. Choose to not care if she was naked or not. Choose to not care if she had breasts or not. Wash your hands of the whole thing.

Stop Googling. Stop rewatching the video. When you feel yourself slipping into ruminating, pull yourself out and focus on what's important.

[njb]

@PolarBearthank you for your time. Yes I ought know better and will continue to work on this. I'm really going to try not caring. It's the only way I will ever get back to real me long term. So utterly overwhelmed by the realness of it all again. I'm right there yet again. Like a stupid hole walked straight into. With each compulsion there is more fear and despair. 

I'm off to distract.

Thanks again Polar bear. Hope you are well and so happy to see you are still about supporting with your wise words.

Njb

[PolarBear]