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Am I just catastrophizing this sexual obsession? Will this mean I will actually like it in the future?


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4 hours ago, Hedgehog said:

Out of interest, which theories do you personally trust the most? I've always found it interesting to consider what the cause really is. 

Personal opinion????  I don't feel it's caused by a chemical imbalance, a theory I believe is unproven.  I believe it is an aspect of an anxiety condition sustained by disordered thinking/behaviour....hence it responds to CBT and remains problematic if thinking and behaviour isn't challenged.

4 hours ago, FlyingRocket said:

 

I have DM'd you. I know this is OCD but do you think I'm catastrophizing and I like it deep down?

I hadn't got round to responding yet but will here instead.  I can't offer the reassurance you're desperately craving because it would simply assist your compulsions which as we always advise only serves to worsen and sustain the problems you're having.  I will just say that you have totally misinterpretted/misunderstood the point that was being made about catastrophising, something you've mentioned yourself.....that you see something written and interpret it as below

3 hours ago, FlyingRocket said:

Another horrible thing I have, not sure if you've experienced this but, it's sinister interpretation of people's words. So despite what people say is in good faith, I read it as something bad. So for example when you said 

You have to try your best to accept your diagnosis of OCD and then work hard to recognise when a thought is "likely" to be caused by it and why it troubles you.  You then have to do your best to resist the urge to carry out compulsions to resolve it or bring the anxiety down.  This is hard when there is so much doubt but you have to try and ride that initial surge of fear and not head for compulsions.  The more you try and work the "worry" out, the more tangled you get caught in the web.  This thought bothers you because it is contrary to your personal beliefs....that's why it is bothering you.  Accept that, accept that you have become extremely anxious about it and keep trying to solve it, to push it away, to be reassured.

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46 minutes ago, Hedgehog said:

As you've already tried this with "oh well, if I'm gay, I'm gay", you know it can work. Maybe try giving it a go? What you did that time was actually amazingly well done acceptance of uncertainty. You showed the OCD you didn't even care - so it couldn't win anymore.

Thank you. I honestly have tried before thinking 'oh well, maybe I like c' or 'maybe I am a c' I can't even type it out, but when I tried thinking that I was absolutely repulsed. Even typing it out here makes me feel repulsed. I'll try and work on it, I suppose. 

46 minutes ago, Hedgehog said:

You're a good guy that wants a loving monogamous relationship. That's all. Nothing your OCD can throw at you defines you - it just highlights what you don't want, and how committed you are to your beliefs, by causing you distress. 

Thank you, @Hedgehog

10 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Accept that, accept that you have become extremely anxious about it and keep trying to solve it, to push it away, to be reassured.

I'll try, @Caramoole. Do you think I should try doing the uncertainty thing that is mentioned above? It's just that even considering it as a tiny possibility absolutely repulses me. 

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I'll try, @Caramoole. Do you think I should try doing the uncertainty thing that is mentioned above? It's just that even considering it as a tiny possibility absolutely repulses me. 

Ultimately, you will have to sit with uncertainty.  How you handle that can vary.  What's  mentioned above is a way of shrugging it off or even inviting it in.  More important (to me) is knowing solidly what OCD is, what sorts of thoughts and values it can make us have and then looking at those things (compulsions) that we then do to try and make the anxiety and fear go away.

At the moment you haven't identified/accepted that this fear you have is the result of anxiety, of OCD.......not properly.  You are still taking it at face value, as a possibility that you may be "this" person you don't want to be.....and you're spending every  moment you can trying to prove to yourself you're not.  You won't win.

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3 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

I think part of the problem too is that FlyingRocket spends significant time and energy convincing himself that 'it' is repulsive. 

Because I believe it is repulsive, I can't help that. I don't try and convince myself it is repulsive, I fear that I will one day like it.

I have always disliked this 'lifestyle' 'fetish' 'degeneracy' whatever you want to call it. 

 

16 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Ultimately, you will have to sit with uncertainty.  How you handle that can vary.  What's  mentioned above is a way of shrugging it off or even inviting it in.  More important (to me) is knowing solidly what OCD is, what sorts of thoughts and values it can make us have and then looking at those things (compulsions) that we then do to try and make the anxiety and fear go away.

At the moment you haven't identified/accepted that this fear you have is the result of anxiety, of OCD.......not properly.  You are still taking it at face value, as a possibility that you may be "this" person you don't want to be.....and you're spending every  moment you can trying to prove to yourself you're not.  You won't win.

Ok, thank you @Caramoole

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46 minutes ago, FlyingRocket said:

Because I believe it is repulsive, I can't help that. I don't try and convince myself it is repulsive, I fear that I will one day like it.

 

And there's your obsession.  But even if we take away the fact that you don't need "to convince" yourself.....I would imagine that you have a running g commentary going on in your head saying, "I'm not like that....I would never be like that, it's repulsive.  If I ever did that I couldn't live with myself" etc etc etc.  You have to look hard at those conversations (rumination) that are going on in your head.  There is nothing to work out other than OCD is making you obsess about this and it is distressing you.  You carry out a series of compulsions in an attempt to get rid of the distress.  Sadly, those are the very things that actually maintain the distress.

I would work hard as well, to type out that word that you think you can't.  Not doing is an avoidance, it's accepting that it has some power.......it's a word, nothing more but it makes you feel anxious.  Anxiety makes you fear the word, the fear then makes you more anxious.  It's part of your OCD......not something that can have any power over you other than the power you give it.  I'm a huge believer in doing the thing you fear backed up  y the knowledge of what the real cause of the fear is.

 

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16 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

You have to look hard at those conversations (rumination) that are going on in your head.  There is nothing to work out other than OCD

When I read the line 'there is nothing to work out other than OCD' my mind just sent me thoughts like 'There is nothing to work out, you like this cuckholding'. (I typed it out, took me awhile)  How do I stop this **** from happening? How do I stop the wrong interpretations?

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49 minutes ago, FlyingRocket said:

How do I stop this **** from happening? How do I stop the wrong interpretations?

You stop trying to stop them.  The thing you work on stopping are compulsions.

What do you think you should be doing? What's your plan?

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1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

What do you think you should be doing? What's your plan?

When I get the usual intrusive thought, I tell myself it's just OCD. But when it comes to reading people's text and interpreting their what they meant, it feels much different. How I actually read the text gets twisted. I can't actually seem to read it logically and see what they meant, I just automatically read it like it lines up with my OCD doubts. 

Edited by FlyingRocket
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Expect to feel this way.  Don't be shocked when it happens.  Take the blow on the chin.....shake your head, deep breath and carry on......know that OCD is the culprit that is making the fears seem real.  Don't try and find a solution, don't use compulsions to give you that short-term fix.  :)

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There are plenty of good advises in this post from different Participants.

Personally I think that what Flyingrocket must do about it is: NOTHING ELSE.

Flyingrocket must finally understand that he has dedicated a huge amount of time, energy and mental health to this topic.

He must also understand that because of so much energy dedicated in tests, checks, ruminating, asking one and the other reassurance… he has built up a castle of obsession, fear and anxiety.

He must also be proud of spending more time in front of that fetish porn category than those ones who really like it.

Honestly Flyingrocket, you should stop wasting your time with this, there is nothing else to check with this, nothing else to test, nothing else to analyse, nothing else to ask for reassurance… just do the things you like: visit the porn category you feel well with and have good fun, do with your partner in bed what you really enjoy and make you happy…and leave behind what you do not like…it can not be easier and more simple.

Our problem is that OCDers want to eradicate a remote possibility that scares them, repulse them… with reassurance, checking, analysing…but the more we try to eradicate it the bigger the obsession become…until reaching a point that it looks like our worst nightmare is becoming true and real. Compulsions look like the keys to fix the issue but they are the opposite: they are a trap, this is why we always should avoid compulsions. 
 

Avoiding compulsions = do nothing about the issue and just do what you like and love in life. 

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6 minutes ago, FlyingRocket said:

But when I tested myself by watching the video, it felt like I liked it. I didn't even experience anxiety the last time I tested and then afterwards I couldn't get any sleep. I kept waking up in the night thinking about it. Is this normal? @Caramoole @Tamagochi Does this mean I could like it?

Obsession: that thought

Compulsion: posting here

You have OCD. That's all the information you need to feel better. This isn't how normal people with fetishes think. You're not in denial, you have OCD.

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21 minutes ago, ashipinharbor said:

You have OCD. That's all the information you need to feel better. This isn't how normal people with fetishes think. You're not in denial, you have OCD.

Ok sorry @ashipinharbor. I had nightmares about it last night and I kept waking up sweating and I've felt terrible this morning.

Edited by FlyingRocket
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26 minutes ago, FlyingRocket said:

But when I tested myself by watching the video, it felt like I liked it. I didn't even experience anxiety the last time I tested and then afterwards I couldn't get any sleep. I kept waking up in the night thinking about it. Is this normal? @Caramoole @Tamagochi Does this mean I could like it?

All of these questions have been covered here and in various other threads.  You have doubt rearing it's head.  What did we suggest you need to do when that happens?  Heading to seek reassurance isn't the answer :)

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Just now, Caramoole said:

All of these questions have been covered here and in various other threads.  You have doubt rearing it's head.  What did we suggest you need to do when that happens?  Heading to seek reassurance isn't the answer :)

Apologies. It's just since I checked/tested myself that really put doubt in my head afterwards. I had nightmares about it and kept waking up in the night. 

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6 minutes ago, FlyingRocket said:

Apologies. It's just since I checked/tested myself that really put doubt in my head afterwards. I had nightmares about it and kept waking up in the night. 

No apology needed but think about what's been said.  This isn't going to disappear in a day.....of course it will unsettle you and still cause anxiety but you need to start to change how you're responding to that fear.

Have a read through THIS THREAD  It's a long post but read it slowly and carefully, then later on re-read it.  It makes a lot of sense

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“I did not experience the anxiety the last time”.
Normal in OCD, after so many exposures you have done to your source of fear your brain is getting used to thus fear and anxiety are decreasing or disappearing. 
OMG ?!, does it mean I will finally like it?. Negative, it just means that you are losing the fear. Losing the fear to something is not equal to like it.

”But when I tested myself…” you keep testing, you keep making compulsions because you still do not understand that compulsions never fix the problem. Compulsions generate, build and make grow the problem. STOP TESTING, STOP COMPULSIONS if you want to get out of the labyrinth of **** you have put yourself,

”I felt like I liked it”…really?, then why you could not get sleep?, why did you wake up several times in the middle of the night?… it seems that you are anxious. 
Why do you keep posting here?…it seems that you are doubtful. It seems that your tests never give you a conclusive answer. I think it is 9th time that I write you that those tests are a trap because they will never give you any evidence of anything.

I give you a graphic example:

For you “eating feces” is a disgusting idea, but after reading in internet that there are some minority in population that like this practice a thought crossed your mind: “would I be in that minority of population who enjoy eating feces?”. “OMG ?, how could I think this?…”. Impossible!, I prefer death than doing this “. But then the thought repeats. “Hmm, if I am thinking this again…it could be some truth behind?”. “OMG…??” “ok, I will check it to see how much I dislike it and close this awful chapter for ever”. 
You are shaking of fear, anxious, your heart is beating fast and strongly, you feel the breathing rhythm to expedite. You are in panic that the test result will be positive, but you want to finish the torture of thinking about it like a possibility, you want to close this chapter for ever and you get the braveness to test it!. 
Then you go to your toilet, you take a spoon and you put a bit of your feces in your tongue….OMG?, You felt some taste!!!!, does it mean that you liked it??!!!, why did you feel some taste????!!!!!, you found out that feces has some taste!!!, how to describe that taste??!!!, then you become very worry and you can not sleep thinking that you could like it, thinking that you could end up eating feces everyday…and you feel terrible with yourself and you hate yourself….

You still do not understand that a small taste of something means NOTHING because anything you would put in your mouth will have a taste.

You still do not understand that some kind of sexual arousal means NOTHING because any kind of sex will give you always some kind of arousal. 
 

If I were you I would just visit the porn categories that you really like and not those one that make you lose the sleep and the mental health…

I were you I would use porn to have few seconds of fun but not to test anything.

THERE IS NOTHING TO TEST, YOU KNOW THAT EATING FECES IS DISGUSTING FOR YOU REGARDLESS THE TASTE FECES COULD HAVE BECAUSE IT IS NOT ONLY ABOUT THE TASTE BUT ABOUT THE FULL CONCEPT. This is why People do not need to test how the feces taste.

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43 minutes ago, ashipinharbor said:

No need to apologize, we've all been there.

Any harshness in my words was directed towards your OCD, not you.

You're ok, Rocket.

No you didn't sound harsh at all, @ashipinharbor. Your response is greatly appreciated, thank you for helping.

 

1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

Have a read through THIS THREAD  It's a long post but read it slowly and carefully, then later on re-read it.  It makes a lot of sense

I will definitely give it a read, thank you @Caramoole.

44 minutes ago, Tamagochi said:

I think it is 9th time that I write you that those tests are a trap because they will never give you any evidence of anything.

Yes it is, you along with many others have responded many times trying to help you. I apologize, I feel like I'm ignoring the useful advice you are all giving me and letting OCD win. I apologize, I don't mean any disrespect and I thank you for your help.

 

Thank you all

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5 hours ago, FlyingRocket said:

But when I tested myself by watching the video, it felt like I liked it. I didn't even experience anxiety the last time I tested and then afterwards I couldn't get any sleep. I kept waking up in the night thinking about it. Is this normal? @Caramoole @Tamagochi Does this mean I could like it?

Testing yourself is a compulsion. Doing so needs to stop. Doing so didn't fix anything. It just caused more anxiety and doubt.

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