Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Last night I tried to face one my fears: I hugged and kissed my brother despite all the inappropriate sexual feelings in my body. (I really hope they are not real feelings but just a creation of my OCD.)

I did the exposure multiple times, probably three. The first time was terrifying, overwhelming and a hundred other similar things. The second time was bearable but during and after the third time something strange happened. It happened before my brother went to sleep. We were watching some old videos of us both messing around and joking, and when, at one point, he rested his head on my shoulder I felt like I was struck by lightning. I had feelings, urges, sensations and thoughts, all in 30 seconds. I tried not to panic and just let it be. However, after he left, I tried to remember what happened exactly but my memory was simply gone, in just a minute or two. And I still can't recall what happened exactly. I'm worried I did something wrong because none of that felt right. But I can see how this also could be OCD so I'm trying to leave it at that. 

There's something else I want to say. I want to sincerely apologise for upsetting people on this forum. I'm really sorry for my behavior. 

Link to comment
15 minutes ago, Cora said:

There's something else I want to say. I want to sincerely apologise for upsetting people on this forum. I'm really sorry for my behavior. 

Girl, please stop apologising! I really doubt that anybody is offended by your behaviour, I think people are just trying to stop themselves from responding when you confess and seek reassurance. I know I do. I'm not mad at you but I have to stop and think if I'm helping you or making things worse by responding, and sometimes I think you need to be left to figure things out for yourself rather than getting reassurance.

Otherwise, well done for doing some exposures. Now be prepared, you will have a strong urge to revisit last night, but please persist and fight that urge!

Link to comment

Hi, 

I'm not well again. In my other thread (now locked) I talked about being annoyed with my brother and then pushing him. I know what I did was wrong and I feel guilty for that, but I feel even more guilty for the way it happened. It was a mixture of a real urge (derived from my emotions of anger and frustration) and a sexual urge (derived from all my OCD fears). The latter one was the strongest so when I pushed him I felt that I was acting on it. 

Throughout the day I chose to believe that I had to move on and accept that the way I'm reacting to what happened is clearly OCD and I was so proud of it, but in the past hour my entire thinking has changed. I have this feeling where I just want to rip my skin off because of how guilty I feel. And it's not just because of this specific incident. It's because of all of them. 

Link to comment

So what are you going to try and do to reframe your thinking?  Just a reminder that we don't need you to go over the incident that is causing you doubt, you need to be looking at a different way of reacting to your feelings of doubt and anxiety.

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

So what are you going to try and do to reframe your thinking?  Just a reminder that we don't need you to go over the incident that is causing you doubt, you need to be looking at a different way of reacting to your feelings of doubt and anxiety.

Try again to accept that my problem is not necessarily what happened but the way I'm reacting to it? And also just sit with these feelings of guilt and shame without attributing meaning to them? 

Link to comment
18 minutes ago, Cora said:

Try again to accept that my problem is not necessarily what happened but the way I'm reacting to it? And also just sit with these feelings of guilt and shame without attributing meaning to them? 

Absolutely right! 

Link to comment
On 12/01/2022 at 20:54, Cora said:

Hi, 

I'm not well again. In my other thread (now locked) I talked about being annoyed with my brother and then pushing him. I know what I did was wrong and I feel guilty for that, but I feel even more guilty for the way it happened. It was a mixture of a real urge (derived from my emotions of anger and frustration) and a sexual urge (derived from all my OCD fears). The latter one was the strongest so when I pushed him I felt that I was acting on it. 

Throughout the day I chose to believe that I had to move on and accept that the way I'm reacting to what happened is clearly OCD and I was so proud of it, but in the past hour my entire thinking has changed. I have this feeling where I just want to rip my skin off because of how guilty I feel. And it's not just because of this specific incident. It's because of all of them. 

This worry is back but in a different shape. 

I managed to stop worrying/thinking about it so much for a few days but this morning my brother kept touching me (he wanted me to stay with him in the same room but I didn't want to because his behavior was just too much for me so he kept grabbing my hands and wouldn't let me go) and I didn't do anything despite my inappropriate feelings and urges. However, that night I did push him out of my way, and mainly as a consequence of the sexual urge I was having at that moment. 

I'm confused and concerned. I don't know why one day I do one thing, and the next day I'm calmer and more aware of my behaviour. 

Link to comment

You little Brother, typically and in keeping with other 10 year olds, is being very annoying.  Regardless of your OCD, he does need to learn some boundaries and when No means No.  It's also extremely normal for anyone to feel annoyed & irritated.  

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Regardless of your OCD, he does need to learn some boundaries and when No means No. 

I agree. I think he only behaves this way with me because he knows that sooner or later I'm going to do what he wants. I'm not really sure what I can do to change this. I've tried to say no and stick with but it doesn't work as he starts acting up. And I get very mad when he acts up and I hate when I'm like that so I try to to avoid it as much as I can. 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...