what do I do now? (please don't be judgemental)

[manny]

ok hi. this is my first post. 

I am a 18 years old girl living with ocd since I am 12. I was you (as my therapist says) ''text book'' ocd. Very typical intrusive thoughts about harm, sex, magical thinking and so on. I also suffer from Bipolar Disorder type 2. I am medicated but still on the path to find the right fit. Anyways, here's my problem...

The last exposure session I had with my therapist, we wrote a new script... this time it was about sexual intrusive thoughts. It was my first time actually exposing myself to them since we started slowly with the other less distressing thoughts (don't get me wrong they still were awful but something about the sexual ones was way more distressing to me). Sexual intrusive thoughts started as thoughts, then became images then scenarios and finally arousal. So I went home and did the script. (if u know, u know). I felt good about doing the exposure, I felt more in control and watched my anxiety drop completely. And then I made a oopsie. Without the opinion of my therapist or my psychiatrist, I decided that I would take the exposure a little too far. I decided that for every person I had had a sexual intrusive thought about, I would masturbate myself while purposely thinking of them with the goal of ''decreasing the feeling of distress''.. basically what exposure is for. At the time, it was like : ah **** it, I can do this, **** this ocd ********, i am better than the ocd... But as you can expect, that didn't go too well. I then associated intrusive thoughts with pleasure. And that ****** me up. I went into a manic episode of masturbating for most parts of the day for about 4-5 days... about 20 orgasm per day. What started off as my worst fear of being attracted to certain people turned into a manic fantasy episode of non sense. If I am going to be really super honest, I changed my perspective of my sexual assault by exposing (masturbating) myself to that experience and now associated pleasure with a really traumatic event. The possibility of this being a defence mechanism is real. 

So now I'm stuck in a manic episode that went wrong...

(oh and I forgot to tell u guys that I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt right after the manic episode)

 

 

[snowbear]

Hi manny,

Welcome to the forum.

5 minutes ago, manny said:

I would masturbate myself while purposely thinking of them with the goal of ''decreasing the feeling of distress''.. basically what exposure is for.

I changed my perspective of my sexual assault by exposing (masturbating) myself to that experience and now associated pleasure with a really traumatic event. The possibility of this being a defence mechanism is real. 

I don't think masturbation has ever been advised as a method for doing exposure exercises.   The problem (as you've discovered) is that it creates pleasant sensations which

a) confuse the issue of what you're trying to achieve

and

b) act as a self-soothing (reassurance) mechanism to something you find distressing. The exact opposite of what an exposure is for.

Probably best to put it down to experience and stick to the therapy script in future.

[Saffron37]

Hey Manny! I'm so sorry you went through something so difficult and painful! Snowbear has it exactly right--just stick to the script and you'll be good. I hope you don't have any residual guilt or shame over the masturbation, but if you do, please try to let it go. You did nothing wrong, and this is really confusing stuff! Sending you best wishes. 

Edited January 12, 2022 by Saffron37

[manny]

Saffron 37

Thank you for your sweet words...

The problem is that I am in a manic episode right now and don't feel shame . I feel great actually. I am more concerned by the down fall (bipolar depression episode). 

[manny]

Snowbear

Thank you so much for your advice, it helps me put in things in order in my head! I feel like it makes sense now

[Saffron37]

1 minute ago, manny said:

The problem is that I am in a manic episode right now and don't feel shame . I feel great actually. I am more concerned by the down fall (bipolar depression episode). 

Ah, I see, thank you for explaining. Are you comfortable talking to your therapist about this? Maybe they can help to strategize how to try to respond when your mood swings downward?

[manny]

I saw him today and .... actually I saw him monday and he said he felt I wasn't stable enough to continue ERP (exposure and response therapy) for now. He wanted to see me today, wich we did. I am seeing my psychiatrist friday though. He is very concerned for the ''drop'' (depression episode). At the moment, I can honestly tell you I am connected to reality, I am still in a manic episode. A trick I learned with my doctor is to try to rely on my ''rational side''. Emotionally I am on top of the world but rationally I am a bit concerned..

Honestly thank you for taking the time to talk with me... I am new on here and i think I will stick to this website. It feels great to have people to talk too that I don't fear will judge me..

[FlyingRocket]

Hello @manny

I struggle from sexually intrusive thoughts too. It's horrible. I'm unable to see a therapist at the minute, but I am interested in what you said below;

2 hours ago, manny said:

So I went home and did the script. (if u know, u know). I felt good about doing the exposure, I felt more in control and watched my anxiety drop completely. And then I made a oopsie.

As long as you don't mind, could you explain what your exposure therapy entails? Not on about the contents of the sexually intrusive thoughts but what do you do in the exposure therapy? 

Does your therapist ever suggest that you actually like these thoughts? It's one of the things that makes me scared about going to a therapist. I don't want to like them. 

[manny]

For me, he started off telling me what ocd is and how it works with ur brain. He compared ocd to the movie character Pennywise from the movie ''IT''. He told me that ocd is like Pennywise... they both feed off fear and when you don't give them that, they deflate and becomes very very small. We also are doing exposure scripts where you expose yourself to a intrusive thought by writting it down (the scenario) and reading it about 10 times a day until it becomes less distressing. (this sound horrible, it is at first but yes it does work!!) we work on other things and other exercises as well.  

He never suggested that I liked the thoughts. I brought it up because, like you, it was one of my biggest fears!!

(send me a private message for more info