Something Awful - Hips

[Ma29]

Hello. 

About an hour ago my husband was feeding the baby and needed to get a Muslin cloth so put baby on the bed, which I was lying on.
 

Whilst baby was on the bed (I was under the duvet he was on top) I got really anxious about it and was thinking I don’t want to tell my husband as he will get mad at me so I stayed really still but because I’m so focused on my groin area and micro movements, I felt a little twitch. Anyway, husband picked baby up again. Just to be clear there was lots of distance. 
 

Then a second later, what ifs came through - what if you moved your hips towards baby and can’t remember?(because that is a fear of mine - I think it’s a dirty action to do). I was able to quickly dismiss this because I could tell it was ocd so I shifted my attention onto something else. However then half an hour later the panic comes in again and what ifs come back and internal dialogue starts ‘what if you moved your hips, but I didn’t, but what if’.

Then my husband is standing at the edge of the bed with the baby trying to rock him to sleep and I’m still lying on the bed. I change position ever so slightly - I think I was lying slightly on my side and now I’m lying on my back  and my feet are crossed over one another - anyway basically I moved with my eyes closed and felt my hips move forward (I think I moved my feet which moved my hips) and at the same time I thought ‘see you didn’t do that before when baby was on the bed, so it’s OK basically but then I get an image of my husband and baby standing at the end of the bed at the same time’. Now I feel like a sick person because I moved my hips at the same time as having an image of those two standing at the edge of the bed and that’s disgusting. I hate it - I should have been more careful. And now just as I was writing this, I turned from my back to my left side and moved my hips and the word /image baby came into my head and I feel like I’ve done something awful again. And it felt like I moved my hips too high in the air when moving onto my side.
 

Why did I move my hips for when they were standing at the edge of the bed, I should have been more careful, if I know it’s bad and I’m fearful of it. And it’s happened for the second time where I just moved my hips again to turn around onto my side - it was an accident.
 

I can’t believe I’ve done these awful things this morning. I’m a horrible person and don’t deserve anything. It’s not even 8am, not that that matters. 

And now on top of that I’m lying on my side facing away from everyone and I’m questioning myself did I do it because I enjoy it or find it arousing and then can’t remember if I moved my hips at the same time and then I’m feeling worse and worse about it - because now I’ve run downstairs and I’m like was I just lying their thrusting my hips and enjoying it and can’t remember - it’s spiralling out of control, I can’t control it.

 

Edited January 13, 2022 by Ma29

[Ma29]

I feel awful. 
I am pretty sure I wasn’t just lying there and thrusting my hips and enjoying it - it was just intrusive thoughts coming in one after the other and my anxiety rising which is making me think one thing to the next but WHAT IF. 
Please someone help me - what have I done. I’m really fearful. I’m scared as my husband will need to work soon and I’m stuck in a rut and can’t move on from this and cant do anything. Please note, at no point am I enjoying my hips move.

Does anyone notice a pattern here?

1) Husband feeding baby - puts baby next to me - I get an intrusive thought of what if I moved my hips towards baby when he was on the bed. I ruminate. 
 

2) Still ruminating and then change position and DO feel hips move and at the same time get an image of husband and baby standing at the end of the bed (because they were) and feel bad for these two occurring at the same time. 
 

3) Ruminating and move position again and feel hips move again and associate that with baby again and this time feel like hips moved even higher.

4) Ruminating again trying to justify my actions (hips moving). Talking to myself and thinking it’s not like you enjoyed any of it or got aroused by any of it. But then for a split second can’t remember if my hips moved my hips once or not whilst I was thinking this very thought and then what ifs start again.

5) What if I was sitting there and moved my hips and was enjoying IT? 
 

6) We are back to point 1 as a new what if has started
 

 

Edited January 13, 2022 by Ma29

[Ma29]

And now I’m sitting here and thinking what if I had the the last thought (below) And moved my hips in a state of panic and pictured whoever I’m afraid of picturing whilst doing it - that would be AWFUL. And god forbid what if I enjoyed it that would be awful and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. But I need to remember that none of this probably happened and I definitely did not enjoy it and the only reason I am now thinking of whether I was to enjoy it is because of me questioning it in the first place. 

4) Ruminating again trying to justify my actions (hips moving). Talking to myself and thinking it’s not like you enjoyed any of it or got aroused by any of it. But then for a split second can’t remember if my hips moved my hips once or not whilst I was thinking this very thought and then what ifs start again.

Edited January 13, 2022 by Ma29

[Ma29]

And I think what will happen now when caramoole and snowbear read this - they will say

This is ridiculous. You didn’t but you could sit there now and move your hips and think of your dog/cat/mum/baby/brother/sister/a snail even and you might enjoy it for a really split second but it’s the meaning you will attach to that. Instead of thinking hey that was a bit strange you will think oh no why did that happen and why did I enjoy it and  im a bad person for enjoying it. And it’s the meaning you are focusing on which makes you feel bad. 

Am I right or am I confused? P.s i didn’t actually enjoy anything but it’s the fear of what if and sometimes my mind can tell me I enjoyed x thing when I didn’t . It’s just scary all of it. See there’s no coming back from this is there.

And the more I think about it the more my mind can easily think - hips move - baby/mum/sister/ -enjoyed it. And then I’m scared what if I go one step further and move my hips and then think these things and then that gives me even more anxiety. When really I’m not enjoying any of this it sickens me and I’m anxious and I’m having a panic attack and I can’t focus on anything around me. 
 

Are these compulsions? Please help.

Edited January 13, 2022 by Ma29

[Caramoole]

Yes, they are compulsions.  As you've described many times here....ruminating, ruminating and taking avoidant action.