My Mind - I need to talk to someone

[Ma29]

Hi everyone 

I have a question - can images arise from intrusive thoughts when our minds create hypothetical scenarios? For example my fear of touching baby the other night during his feed time - although I have no recollection of doing anything with ill intention, I thought of how it could be possible and thought it’s only possible if husband and baby sat next to me and then the next thing I know I have an image in my head of them sitting next to me, in the image I am stroking the baby almost like soothing him but on his nappy area and whilst soothing him I have a face which is half smiling almost in a loving way  (all weird and very anxiety provoking).
what’s re assuring is a)baby was wearing different clothes in the image, b) he was facing me, but in reality my husband always holds him so his head is in his left arm not right and I sleep on the left side of the bed so he wouldn’t have been facing me anyway and the main thing is that husband says he didn’t sit next to me so all this is irrelevant, also bearing in mind I don’t remember doing anything bad. So why do images arise - if anything they almost give more support to the dreaded fear - I hate it.

[Caramoole]

The answer is YES!  Images, thoughts, feelings, words, phrases, sensations to name but a few

23 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

what’s re assuring is a)baby was wearing different clothes in the image, b) he was facing me, but in reality my husband always holds him so his head is in his left arm not right and I sleep on the left side of the bed so he wouldn’t have been facing me anyway and the main thing is that husband says he didn’t sit next to me so all this is irrelevant, also bearing in mind I don’t remember doing anything bad. 

But once again, I have to warn you of the harm in doing this.  You are going over the situation to look for evidence, to find certainty, to reassure yourself.  THESE ARE ALL COMPULSIONS that will make your situation worse, that will maintain the anxiety & fear.  I can't stress this enough Ma.  I know it's not easy to give up on this.....I know it seems to make sense but it will harm, not help.

[Ma29]

Why do we have to get images as well - it’s so confusing because that just adds more evidence to the mix and makes me question whether it’s an imagine or a memory although I have no memory of it - I don’t understand. Does an image mean the probability of something happening is higher because there’s a mental image of it ?

[KaTiee]

10 hours ago, Ma29 said:

Hey @KaTiee thanks for you kind words and support - likewise here if you ever want to chat, we can even chat about ocd non related things ! 

That sounds great!

tried breaking my cycle today by going for a walk instead of my usual going home After school run. Turns out it follows me. 
god damn it. 
On a positive note I discovered a retreat near me Where they offer virtual video calling on an evening. It’s just a place to go to chat. you can visit and have a coffee. All for people with various mental health issues. I did the virtual video call last night before bed and it just felt like a safe space to chat about whatever you’re feeling. Not sure where you are but maybe that’s something that you could google/Looking to. I felt like there was somebody there to listen, not to judge, not to try and make things better just to listen and support.

[determination987]

3 hours ago, Ma29 said:

Why do we have to get images as well - it’s so confusing because that just adds more evidence to the mix and makes me question whether it’s an imagine or a memory although I have no memory of it - I don’t understand. Does an image mean the probability of something happening is higher because there’s a mental image of it ?

I often get visual images of things in the past but also in the future. I play out hypothetical scenarios in my head where it’s catastrophic and it all seems so real. The anxiety then gets so intense that I start checking the chances of it happening, or seeking reassurance.

Lately, I’ve decided I’ve had enough. The last few days I took a leap of faith that it’s the OCD and decided to live here in the present regardless of the problems that it makes me feel I have.

It feels so scary and we want to prove beyond all doubt that this horrible thing isn’t/hasn’t or won’t happen but we can’t and we don’t need to.

I’ve been setting myself small targets each day and I’m building them up. I found the achievements thread helpful as I can always find something in the day that went a bit better. I still get the intrusive thoughts and sometimes get carried away with them but I can see that I’m more aware of them and that I’m lessening their hold on me.

The risk that OCD gives me is nothing compared to how much it has already taken from me and the potential for more. 
 

I’ve been saying to myself when the images and thoughts come that ‘oh there’s OCD voice again’ and trying to just let it be as that rather than what it wants me to feel.

Your baby is obviously so important to you and you want to keep it safe and protected and that’s why it feels so horrific to you. I’d read somewhere that we mix up the stakes and risks so the stakes of what you think may happen or be happening are so high but we mix it up with the risk. We can’t think logically when our anxiety is so high but we keep trying and trying and getting nowhere by compulsively acting or not acting.

We can do this together. I’m feeling anxious just writing as I overthink everything and worry about things being taken the wrong way or giving the wrong advice but I’m doing it anyway.
 

See if you can post one small thing on the achievements thread later. Anything, something small but then you can build on it.

We’ve got this! Let’s take our lives back!

[PolarBear]

4 hours ago, Ma29 said:

Why do we have to get images as well - it’s so confusing because that just adds more evidence to the mix and makes me question whether it’s an imagine or a memory although I have no memory of it - I don’t understand. Does an image mean the probability of something happening is higher because there’s a mental image of it ?

No.

An obsession is an intrusive thought, image, feeling, urge, impulse or sensation that causes distress. So an obsession can be an intrusive image.

Heed Caramoole's warning. You are fixated on this, trying to work it out. That is a compulsion and will only keep you stuck.

[Ma29]

I want this all to end - I’m not sure how to stop and I feel like an awful human being .

My boy is crying as my mum has just changed him and so puts him on the sofa whilst she cleans up. I go downstairs and see him crying his eyes out so I decide to go over and pick him up. As soon as I go near him intrusive thoughts comes in about his nappy area but I ignore and still pick him up (which I regret now). We have a walk around the room I kiss him and calm him down. Then I put him in my lap and he falls asleep except I get worried my hands may have touched his nappy area or bottom. Then my mum comes and drapes a blanket over him whilst he’s in my lap and for some reason I rest my hand on the blanket but I notice it’s resting on top of his legs /bear nappy area and that’s it my anxiety strikes. Since then, I have been having several panic attacks and my mind is saying

- what if when you put him in your lap you grabbed his nappy area

-what if you were getting intrusive thoughts and you still continued to do what you were doing 

- you’re a bad person, you did touch him inappropriately

Then that leads me to justify anything that might have happened such as 

- ok what if I had a bad thought because this damn ocd is making me feel like a sick person and it got to me and I did touch his nappy area in the heat of the moment 

But then that makes me feel even worse because I’m making an excuse up. This is all too much. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I regret picking him up I really really do. I love him to bits but I shouldn’t be allowed near him. 

[PolarBear]

And yet, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing.

You are experiencing thoughts that you did something wrong. Just thoughts. That doesn't mean you did something wrong. It's a distinction you need to learn.

[MarieJo]

On 14/01/2022 at 10:53, Ma29 said:

It won’t - you’re right . Looking back on it - I over reacted. I certainly don’t think it’s going to disappear but each time it comes back it hurts a little more. 

I think life events affect my ocd. My sister having a brain tumor, my dad dying of brain cancer whilst I’m pregnant and then having to give birth, my mum having psychotic depression. 
 

My ocd got started just after a Muslim school teacher told me I my parents would go to hell for not covering my head - she took me to the stove switched it on and made me hover my hands over it to feel the heat. That’s when this all started - where I got scared everything I did or thought was wrong. I’m certain this was the reason I got ocd.

In the past I have received CBT when I relapse and that’s what I’m doing right now but I can’t seem to snap out of it this time round. 

I relate to that incident of the Muslim teacher's actions starting your anxiety. I think my Catholic upbringing contributed to mine. Not by my family as they're not very religious, although Catholic, but by what was said in church about the devil and hell and sin. It started me thinking I was evil then it all escalated

What discussant said is true. Your ocd will shift. When baby is older and you're more comfortable with being a mum a new obsession will no doubt set in. It has been this way for me. I have had most obsessions over the years.

So sad to hear you're thinking dying would be the best solution. I have also felt this way in the past when things have become unbearable. It will improve though. Don't give up hope Ask for some professional help.

You've been through so much losing your dad and your sister and mum being unwell. All this on top of having a new baby would test anyone.

Also it seems from your post that your husband knows about your ocd, is he supportive? 

[MarieJo]

1 hour ago, Ma29 said:

I want this all to end - I’m not sure how to stop and I feel like an awful human being .

My boy is crying as my mum has just changed him and so puts him on the sofa whilst she cleans up. I go downstairs and see him crying his eyes out so I decide to go over and pick him up. As soon as I go near him intrusive thoughts comes in about his nappy area but I ignore and still pick him up (which I regret now). We have a walk around the room I kiss him and calm him down. Then I put him in my lap and he falls asleep except I get worried my hands may have touched his nappy area or bottom. Then my mum comes and drapes a blanket over him whilst he’s in my lap and for some reason I rest my hand on the blanket but I notice it’s resting on top of his legs /bear nappy area and that’s it my anxiety strikes. Since then, I have been having several panic attacks and my mind is saying

- what if when you put him in your lap you grabbed his nappy area

-what if you were getting intrusive thoughts and you still continued to do what you were doing 

- you’re a bad person, you did touch him inappropriately

Then that leads me to justify anything that might have happened such as 

- ok what if I had a bad thought because this damn ocd is making me feel like a sick person and it got to me and I did touch his nappy area in the heat of the moment 

But then that makes me feel even worse because I’m making an excuse up. This is all too much. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I regret picking him up I really really do. I love him to bits but I shouldn’t be allowed near him. 

Also, touching your baby in the intimate area is allowed. Mums everywhere do it many times a day, every day when cleaning them. It's only a bad thing to do when you have bad intentions and do it for bad reasons as you know. I know ocd shows no logic but try to see the difference. You really do need to find a way to stop ruminating which is a very damaging compulsion. Only when you stop ruminating will the thoughts and anxiety go 

 

[Ma29]

1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

And yet, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing.

You are experiencing thoughts that you did something wrong. Just thoughts. That doesn't mean you did something wrong. It's a distinction you need to learn.

Issue is my mind is telling me I did something wrong. It started off with my hand being on the blanket being wrong and now it’s moved to - the way you put him in your lap was inappropriate / you enjoyed holding him so close to you / so absurd it’s telling me I purposefully pushed him towards me -  I hate this thing. 

[Caramoole]

12 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

Issue is my mind is telling me I did something wrong. 

Correct.  You feel this way because you have OCD.  So what do you need to do now to try and improve things?

[PolarBear]

3 hours ago, Ma29 said:

Issue is my mind is telling me I did something wrong. It started off with my hand being on the blanket being wrong and now it’s moved to - the way you put him in your lap was inappropriate / you enjoyed holding him so close to you / so absurd it’s telling me I purposefully pushed him towards me -  I hate this thing. 

I know your mind is trlling you that. All sufferers deal with that. I am telling you it is a lie. Yes, your mind can lie to itself.

[KaTiee]

2 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Issue is my mind is telling me I did something wrong.

Bingo!!! Mine tells me that everyday! 
‘I did something wrong so i’m now going to punishing myself’. 
polarBear is exactly right (wise words) 

It’s all a lie! There’s a thing call STOPP on YouTube. Tells you to stop & breath. in other words. Calm the breathing and get into a place where you can step back and look at the situation. Has anything actually happened? Has your husband or mother said you are doing anything wrong? Are they concerned? 
I can tell you that if they were they would not protect you, they’d be ensuring  baby is safe. Correct?

so as this has been going on in YOUR MIND ONLY for a few weeks now. 
I know it’s safe to say you are doing an excellent job at being a mum. 
the ONLY issue here is you are making yourself upset for no reason. 
Reality is very different from what’s  going on in your head.
 

always step back and look at reality. 
you can do this!!!! 
be brave
it’s a long ride but it’s worth it! 

[Ma29]

Thanks everyone 

@MarieJo thanks for your response - you’re completely right as are others who have tried to help me - I need to stop ruminating. It’s just that the sheer possibility of ignoring something so terrible gives me anxiety - I need to know if I’ve done something wrong ect. 
 

@PolarBearit is a distinction I need to learn between doing X and my mind telling me X is bad. I’m trying and have been today looking at the facts of the situation which are pretty black and white - all I was doing was soothing and rocking my baby, nothing else. My anxiety rose because I think certain actions are bad such as having my hands near baby’s nappy area and then this ocd distorts all reality. 
 

@Caramoolei need to recognise this is ocd and relabel all feelings /thoughts/ sensations attached to this as ocd, re focus and the re value everything as garbage. 
 

@KaTieeThanks I did step back and look at reality. When I’m calmer I can see reality and see the facts of the situation.
This demon distorts everything and convinces us were bad people for what - putting my baby to sleep?
 

[KaTiee]

8 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

bad people

In fact the exact opposite. It’s about over protecting our loved ones. 
we over think these “bad” thoughts because we are so horrified/disgusting/scared by them. 
for me this branches out to everyone around me. 
funny story I guess… a few years ago I was super paranoid that I told a street seller that someone had put something under there table. 
They had done, but 99.9% that was stock! 
But I felt responsibility for if it had been a ‘bomb’ it would be my fault.  
But reality was I was just a crazy lady  I felt the same feeling. It was a compulsion to inform them. 

our OCD comes out in some strange ways. But as long as we recognise it we are able to step back take a moment and see it from outside our own minds. (Sometimes it’s only a moment needed, but for me yesterday I called Mind, they helped me see that this isn’t reality as I need extra help)

when you feel like there is no escaping have you tried calling them?

it’s just good to know that someone who is calm and deals with this sort of thing on a regular basis is there when you need someone.

xx
 

[Caramoole]

36 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

anxiety rose because I think certain actions are bad such as having my hands near baby’s nappy area and then this ocd distorts all reality. 

It certainly does.  It takes normal situations & makes us view them as danger.  Do you scream at your Mum or Husband when they nurse, feed or change your Son?  When they pat his back or bottom or kiss him?  I suspect that answer is I spent a lot of time with my year old Niece at the weekend. I carry her round sat on my hip, legs straddled either side of me.  Am I some deviant with sinister, ulterior motives? It's a natural way to carry a baby to support their weight.

Could you imagine if no-one touched your baby to keep him safe?  No hugs, no kisses, no touch, no affection? That would cause emotional abuse and long term problems.

This is why it's so important you recognise OCD when that thought flashes up.  You recognise that that overwhelming sense of panic is also part of the anxiety process.....but you carry on through that flash.  You don't hand him back, you sit with it.  At the moment you tend to have someone with you, so you know all is well but that thus is a fear response that will take practise until it starts fo die down.  Make a definite decision that you're really going to do your best to work at this fear response.  Let your family be there for support, for encouragement but not for reassurance.  See how many little achievements you can do today & put them on the Achievements Thread this evening

[discuccsant]

4 hours ago, Caramoole said:

It certainly does.  It takes normal situations & makes us view them as danger.  Do you scream at your Mum or Husband when they nurse, feed or change your Son?  When they pat his back or bottom or kiss him?  I suspect that answer is I spent a lot of time with my year old Niece at the weekend. I carry her round sat on my hip, legs straddled either side of me.  Am I some deviant with sinister, ulterior motives? It's a natural way to carry a baby to support their weight.

Could you imagine if no-one touched your baby to keep him safe?  No hugs, no kisses, no touch, no affection? That would cause emotional abuse and long term problems.

This is why it's so important you recognise OCD when that thought flashes up.  You recognise that that overwhelming sense of panic is also part of the anxiety process.....but you carry on through that flash.  You don't hand him back, you sit with it.  At the moment you tend to have someone with you, so you know all is well but that thus is a fear response that will take practise until it starts fo die down.  Make a definite decision that you're really going to do your best to work at this fear response.  Let your family be there for support, for encouragement but not for reassurance.  See how many little achievements you can do today & put them on the Achievements Thread this evening

Exactly this! My worst theme was about inappropriately touching someone, same as yours, Ma. It just wasn't restricted to children only: I completely distanced myself from my wife, my children and friends. I was always afraid I could sexually assault someone out of an random impulse/urge. I think Cora resembles me the most, haha. So? No more hugs to anyone. It doesn't matter who it was. My mother, father, wife, children and friends. Everyone needs to be safe from me!

Sometimes, when I did some kind of ERP, it really felt, as if I did it out of an bad intention, so that I distanced myself even more from anyone. This was actually the worst  I could do and really hindered my progression. I sometimes even faked, that I did ERP, during my therapy, just to avoid these kind of situations. How stupid, right?  

The problem, concerning my children, was though: If I would keep distancing myself, never take them on my arms and keep neglecting any physically love, because of my fear: "What effect would this have on my children?"

Personally for me, to realize this, was a key moment during my battle against OCD: To understand, that with this exact type of avoidance behaviour, I'm actually hurting my children. There were moments where they craved for hugs, but I was just like "Oh, I need to work. Go to mommy", just to avoid touching my children. Stuff like taking their hands became a problem for me. MY OWN CHILDREN.

I'm still asking myself, if my behaviour back then could have any bad impacts on my children. I hope not, but I think it might have: This went for like one year, so it would be like a miracle, if it doesn't. Shame on me for that. 

Children will feel emotional neglect, exactly like Caramoole said. This will have a negative impact on them and you'll hurt them, if you don't "take the bite" and force yourself, to be the parent your children NEED. They NEED affection in form of hugs, kissed and cuddling. Children need this! That's how you show them, that you love them. That's how children feel loved! There are thousand of studies, that neglecting this kind of love, will negatively effect children. Thousands! 

If anything bad ever came out of my OCD, then this. Nothing else. Who cares if it "felt real" or that I actually tried to do the opposite with my behaviour, i.e. not hurting/assaulting anyone, when, in fact, my behaviour did hurt my children! And that it WILL have some kind of bad influence on my children! That's the only thing I did wrong! Nothing else! Instead of fighting OCD the proper way, I faked ERP, continued with these kind of compulsion and damaged the emotional basis of my children, by neglecting them the fatherly love. 

Maybe to realize this, will help you to overcome your fear. 

Please, don't make the same mistakes as I did. 

I wish you the very best. 

[Ma29]

@Caramooleyou are right . I need to show him affection, I have stopped. I can tell when he sees me at bedtime he looks heartbroken and it breaks my heart.

@discuccsanti like you have stopped showing any sort of affection to everyone around me. I can’t even put something in someone’s lap. 
 

I’m sorry everyone but I feel like I’ve done something terrible just now.

I went downstairs to show my mum an old atlas book I had found of my late fathers, my husband was holding the baby on his chest and I decided to go and kiss the baby on his cheeks. I kissed him a few times and said I love you ect. When I did, i felt his lips as his little face is so tiny.

Anyway the thought came in and told me I should not be kissing him and it’s wrong and inappropriate, basically - something along the lines of that. Worst of all I CARRIED on in the moment and kissed him again (not on the lips, on the cheek).

I should have stopped and listened but now I feel awful - this demon is now telling me I did it with a bad intention but I didn’t - I didn’t think bad intention and then kiss him. I didn’t have any intention at all - I just felt like kissing my baby on the cheek - but now thinking of it, I shouldn’t have because I should have had an intention as in I want to show him some love and then I should have kissed him but I didn’t, I just kissed him spontaneously and I shouldn’t have. I don’t know what I was thinking - I regret it so badly as it’s sparked my anxiety again and I feel ever so guilty. 
 

Sorry if I’ve offended anyone. I feel disgusting and am having a panic attack as we speak. 

[Saffron37]

Ma, take a deep breath. Reread the last number of responses from Caramoole, Discuccsant and others. You already know exactly the answer to any question you might have about this newest trigger, because it's all exactly the same as every other you've had.

54 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

I should have stopped and listened but now I feel awful - this demon is now telling me I did it with a bad intention but I didn’t - I didn’t think bad intention and then kiss him. I didn’t have any intention at all - I just felt like kissing my baby on the cheek - but now thinking of it, I shouldn’t have because I should have had an intention as in I want to show him some love and then I should have kissed him but I didn’t, I just kissed him spontaneously and I shouldn’t have. I don’t know what I was thinking - I regret it so badly as it’s sparked my anxiety again and I feel ever so guilty. 

Logically, objectively, do you think (not feel, think) that you really should have stopped kissing your baby? What do you think stopping it would have accomplished?

55 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

I need to show him affection, I have stopped. I can tell when he sees me at bedtime he looks heartbroken and it breaks my heart.

 

What about this?

[discuccsant]

Hey Ma, 

look. This is just classical OCD. I think this might help you, as I can 100% relate to you:

As long as it didn't feel like, as if I did something out of a 100% clear and good intention, i automatically assumed, that it was something done out of a bad intention. What a dumb logic. But that's just how OCD works and couldn't be further from truth. Why? Because no mother is like "I'm going to kiss my baby. This is because I need to show love and affection to my baby. Done. Now I hug my baby, to show it another form of love and affection. Done.". No, haha. They don't think anything at all. They just kiss their baby, without questioning themselves. 

Parenting is not about being some kind of mechanical robot, with 100% clear and good intentions, before any kind of interaction with your children. Social interactions generally doesn't work like that. This would be super stressfull. 

So everything you did was alright. Keep doing that. You just need to stop questioning yourself in the aftermath, whenever your OCD tells you, that you did something bad. The next time OCD tells you, that you did something disgusting, you just go ahead and kiss your son once again. Be like: "Get lost, OCD. You can't attack me on that". 

It's hard, but that's the only way. Keep going! And trust me. Please. OCD will loose it's grip on you. Don't worry. It will feel horrendous, but it will go away. 

Always remember: Your child doesn't care wether or not the hug was with 100% clear and good intentions. No! Your child only cares for the hug itself and the love it felt from his mothers hug.

Don't give OCD the power I gave it and learn from my mistakes. 

You wont feel bad because of the stuff OCD throws at you, but because of the time you wasted. 

Trust me on this. Really. I was in the exact same shoes as you!

Edited January 26, 2022 by discuccsant

[Caramoole]

So tell me Ma.....am I a perverted child molester do you think?  I carried my little Niece around, straddled across my hip....meaning her crotch area was next to me.  I kissed her, I cuddled her, I blew raspberries on her tummy.  Does that make me a monster?  If not, why not?

One thing that we need to start looking at soon is using the forum to make detailed confessions, to self-berate yourself, to ask for reassurance whilst not trying the suggestions.  I know how much you're hurting....I do but all of these things are harming you even more.  You're also seeing your therapist who I'm sure wouldn't recommend this.  Some therapists recommend not using forums because of this problem.

We need to start trying some more small changes/challenges on a daily basis based on the suggestions that have been made.  Try and look to the forum to support you through these challenges, that's where it can really be of help.  I know it's tough:)

[Ma29]

Thanks @Saffron37 @discuccsantand @Caramoole

I do try not to come on here all the time - I get loads of thoughts during the day and I try not too but sometimes it gets too much. 

I might sound like I feel sorry for myself right now but I’ve got no sleep at all because of this kissing thing playing on my mind - this thing is telling me I enjoyed it in a bad way afterwards but I can’t remember that and groinal responses are a problem sometimes so what if I got one then I may have, afterwards. How could I have really enjoyed it - look at the state of me, it makes no sense. 

[Ma29]

Hi everyone 

I’m really trying but today is a little harder. I have had several intrusive thoughts today which I have ignored but need to speak to someone now.

I went to my mother in laws with baby and husband (a win). I was sitting on an armchair with my right elbow resting on the top of the armchair next to me, so elbow was resting on this and my hand was on my head. My husbands nephew came from behind and leaned on the armchair I was resting my elbow on and I got really anxious - my elbow moved slightly. I feel really guilty because I was meant to remain still. I know I didn’t do it to hurt him but every time a child comes close to me, it’s a thing of remaining really still and any movement is deemed as bad. That includes moving my elbow which may move the armchair pillow which he leant on. 

Am I a bad person? My elbow moving on the armchair slightly wouldn’t have hurt him I know that but I still feel bad. I didn’t move it on purpose but I’m angry and it shouldn’t have moved. What if I did move it on purpose - it scares me. 

What’s happening ?

[PolarBear]

I know right now you think this is a huge deal. Your mind is telling you it's a huge deal. 

It's not. It isn't a deal at all. 

The first problem is that you set up in your mind a standard that was impossible to live up to: don't move. Do you really think that's realistic? 

I know why you did it. Fear. You believe your past movements have been somehow wrong, therefore you feared a wrongful movement in the future, so you set up a ridiculous scenario where you would pretend to be a statue in order that you wouldn't do something wrong.

The problem is, the prior movements were not wrong, your fear was completely unfounded, taking such unusual steps like trying not to move was completely unnecessary. 

With OCD, perceived problems and dangers compound when you do compulsions. Things get worse and worse. Doubt escalates. Anxiety increases. You get more thoughts that you've done something wrong and that you could do something wrong. That means more compulsions. And round and round you go.

The other problem here is that you are blatantly asking for reassurance by asking if you are a bad person. That is an overt compulsion. 

Compulsions don't work. You might get temporary relief by a positive answer, but soon enough doubt will rise, obsessions strike and anxiety goes up. You'll soon want more reassurance.  It's not a solution.

You need to take a step back and look at this. This (as with all OCD) is not that you did something bad. It's that your mind is TELLING you that you did something wrong. Big difference.

Your mind, or at least that little part responsible for OCD, can lie. It can tell lies and be very convincing at it.

Making a commitment to not move was a compulsion. It's an avoidance compulsion.

Ruminating over this is a compulsion. That means going over the scenario in your head, again and again.

Asking for reassurance is a compulsion.

Confessing is a compulsion. You do that fairly consistently, telling us the details of your supposed misdeed.

All these compulsions make your situation worse. 

Lastly, I'd like you to put your spouse, your parent, your best friend in the scenario you wrote above. Imagine for a moment that one of them told you this:

I AM A BAD PERSON. I MOVED MY ARM AND IT TOUCHED A PILLOW THAT WAS NEAR A CHILD!

What would you say? I know you'll want to come back and say there was more to it, but the above is the core perceived problem. So what would you say?