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My Mind - I need to talk to someone


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35 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

Anyway, I dropped the syringe so had to catch it and so touched baby a little in process of catching it. this triggered the thoughts. Once I finished giving the medicine to the baby, I moved my hand away and whilst walking away a thought is telling me I’ve done something bad but I don’t remember intentionally doing anything bad so what could I have done? Now all I’m thinking about is what I could have done - I don’t remember having ANY bad intention or notice to do anything bad and I’d never do that ever but I just can’t remember and I keep going over and over it in my head. It’s really making me distressed. 

It sounds an obvious thing to say but you have to try hard NOT to go over and over it in your head OR give detailed explanations of each incident, they're all one of the same with slight variations and the only important part is the one highlighted in bold.  Each time you re-write this, say things like "I'd never do that", you're carrying out compulsions to try and deal with the anxiety.....it does the opposite.  You're generally doing really well but to move on even further you need to be looking hard at these things.

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34 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

Right but I can’t leave it alone because what if I did do something bad but then what could I have possibly done - I don’t get it 

Yes, you do get it, you just struggle to get through the flash of anxiety.....but you can :)

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1 hour ago, Nikki79 said:

But you would still say that’s just a thought? As in a thought is a thought is a thought….

The same goes for you Nikki......you're just fishing for reassurance and it won't help it will just push you further into the hole.  You know from the past that these compulsions are the things that keep you struggling

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I’m feeling really anxious today and exhausted from this all today.

I decided to offer to change baby’s nappy for my husband as it was a really leaky one. Anyway I did it (win). However in the process I felt like the first wipe I did on his doo daa was too hard - I don’t know what happened, maybe I got nervous. Obviously I didn’t do anything with bad intention. 
 

Then my husband picked him up and I asked him to wipe baby’s hands just in case he got them dirty during the nappy change as he moves about everywhere now - husband did that and as soon as I took the baby wipe from my husbands hand - I got worried because it felt like a pinch like sensation and at the VERY same time as I pinched my fingers together to take the baby wipe I got a thought that I may have touched the baby’s nappy area and then that makes me feel absolutely awful. 

 

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I think they’d say look at the facts - you were changing baby’s nappy and you took the baby wipe from someone else, to pick things up you do have to pick it up by the fingers similar to a pinch like sensation. 
However I should have been more careful and I should have not taken the baby wipe from my husband when it was close to baby’s nappy area, I should have asked him to hold it higher up.  

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11 minutes ago, Ma29 said:


However I should have been more careful and I should have not taken the baby wipe from my husband when it was close to baby’s nappy area, I should have asked him to hold it higher up.  

No :no: No :no:  No :no: Absolutely wrong idea.  You should relabel this for what it really is and carry on doing what is a normal action, then work hard NOT to go over and over it.  This is going to happen, you need to be ready for it and change how you react to the thought

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Guys I had the weirdest thing happen there. My daughter’s hand trapped my hand under it whilst she was taking the tablet off me and I purposefully let my hand feel under her hand. I quickly grabbed it away then and had a full blown panic attack. I don’t understand why I did it and I feel terrible now. Just horrible.

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24 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

No :no: No :no:  No :no: Absolutely wrong idea.  You should relabel this for what it really is and carry on doing what is a normal action, then work hard NOT to go over and over it.  This is going to happen, you need to be ready for it and change how you react to the thought

Totally agree!!! 
Dear Ma ,  You are feeding your OCD and making it stronger by going over and over in your mind. 
 

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59 minutes ago, Nikki79 said:

Guys I had the weirdest thing happen there. My daughter’s hand trapped my hand under it whilst she was taking the tablet off me and I purposefully let my hand feel under her hand. I quickly grabbed it away then and had a full blown panic attack. I don’t understand why I did it and I feel terrible now. Just horrible.

Same goes for you Nikki.  You have to pull on all of your past experience & therapy sessions.  What is "abnormal" is not being able to touch your Daughters hand naturally, to enjoy the touch, to hold her hand.  That is the behaviour that's normal but that you fear because of OCD's false message.  Like Ma you have to relabel these thoughts

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10 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Same goes for you Nikki.  You have to pull on all of your past experience & therapy sessions.  What is "abnormal" is not being able to touch your Daughters hand naturally, to enjoy the touch, to hold her hand.  That is the behaviour that's normal but that you fear because of OCD's false message.  Like Ma you have to relabel these thoughts

But I purposefully let my hand feel her hand. I had the belief it was weird when I was doing it. It was went to be wrong.

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1 hour ago, Benny said:

Totally agree!!! 
Dear Ma ,  You are feeding your OCD and making it stronger by going over and over in your mind. 
 

Thanks @Benny I will try not to go over it again. I find that ocd can distort reality so much .

2 hours ago, Caramoole said:

You should relabel this for what it really is and carry on doing what is a normal action, then work hard NOT to go over and over it. 

Ok will try @Caramoole. I’m honestly really trying. 

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Really sorry but this time I have actually done something bad.

I’m lying down in bed on my side, under the duvet. My husband comes and sits on the foot of the bed with the baby (on top of duvet) and starts rocking baby to sleep whilst he’s holding baby in his arms. At one point I’m browsing on my phone and I’m rubbing my feet together (not sure why) and then think oh no that could touch the baby - anyway I don’t stop immediately and get really anxious and then feel awful about it. I can’t remember why I was rubbing my feet together - was it with bad intention / what was the intention. Minds telling me after I enjoyed it for wrong reasons . What if I was touching baby when doing it? My feet were under the duvet, baby was in husbands arms on top of duvet . I’m really petrified. 

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Ma, I'm going to have to ask you to really try not to post these confessions.  I think we've talked quite a bit  so that you should be starting to identify that this is just another obsession rather than an incident of any importance, even though the feelings of fear rise up.  It's at this point where you really have to work at challenging them.  By all means tell your Husband you're struggling, say "Here it goes again", look for support and understanding but not to confess details or ask to be reassured

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I’m really embarrassed but when the above rubbing feet thing happened it got me anxious and I felt a groinal response. Now I’m completely confused because does that mean I enjoyed the idea - I feel awful. Why would I rub my feet in the first instance and also as soon as I got the thought I should have stopped and made sure I was no where near the baby but I didn’t so for all I know I could have been touching the baby. It would be unlikely but it’s a possibility. I really need some help please. 

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Hey M29, 

you really gotta stop. The more compulsions and ruminations you do, the worse the intrusive thoughts will get, and the more this OCD theme will latch into other things in your life. It will feel more and more real for you. Being overly fixated over this, will make it worse and worse. Almost like unbearable worse. 

It will begin to attack your past and your future, by simply throwing memories or possible future developments at you. You'll get triggered by words like "sexual harassment", "mother", "love", "child", "playground", without ever being able to forget all the negative emotions in your head. You will be constantly "reminded" of your fears by everything, every day and everywhere and be overly regretful about past "incidents" and be overly frightened of the future, regarding possible, yet unlikely scenarios. There is no rope you'll be able to hold yourself on, and you'll fall into a deep rabbit hole, you'll never be able to get out of without any kind of help. 

For the sake of your mental health, you need to listen to us. Your OCD seems to be so easy to handle right now, given the right treatment from your side. I feel like, as if you still are reasonable enough to understand, that you're not a bad person, but this also seems to slowly but surely fade away, as you begin to question with the latest post whether you liked it or not: Seriously, this is just another step towards OCD. Why? Because before it was always the fear about touching itself, without any bad intentions or feeling whatsoever. Now you begin to question and fear your inner feelings. That's a step towards the next stage of OCD and not towards recovery. It simply got worse for you. At least that's how I see it. And it will get even worse, if you don't stop compulsions, i.e. ruminating, confessing and reassurance seeking. 

All the reassurance you got didn't help you at all, but just made things worse. It didn't help you at all, yet you fail to see this and how this goes. 

Stop acting on what you think might help you and start acting on what others, who already dealt with it, tell you all the time. 

Wish you the best. 

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3 hours ago, Ma29 said:

because does that mean I enjoyed the idea

Learn to listen to yourself Ma. This is a key phrase that shows when you're in the grip of OCD.

As soon as you hear yourself thinking 'does that mean I enjoyed it?' you put the brakes on, disengage. Stop all further ruminations straight away. Relabel it as OCD, refocus and let it go.

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7 minutes ago, snowbear said:

Learn to listen to yourself Ma. This is a key phrase that shows when you're in the grip of OCD.

As soon as you hear yourself thinking 'does that mean I enjoyed it?' you put the brakes on, disengage. Stop all further ruminations straight away. Relabel it as OCD, refocus and let it go.

I’m struggling myself after last night’s incident wondering why I did what I did and did I enjoy it also. Did I do it with pleasure kind of thing 

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51 minutes ago, Nikki79 said:

wondering why I did what I did and did I enjoy it also

There's your red flag that shows you're in the grip of an OCD episode, Nikki.

The instant you realise this is what you're worrying about that's your signal to disengage immediately. These questions don't need answers.

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