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My Mind - I need to talk to someone


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2 hours ago, Ma29 said:

polar bear will say another day another thing but here goes

And unfortunately, he would be right ?

This worry, these thoughts and doubts don't just disappear.  They crop up again and again and each time you try to run from them, avoid situations, ask for reassurance, they gain more power and become more frequent.  The more you sit with it, the more you do natural things like patting your baby's bum or stroking his back or kissing him, the easier it will get providing you resist using compulsions when that thought strikes.

Would your Husband read an OCD book so that he can understand what are the best ways to support you?

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Do you think coming here daily, sometimes more often, and describing your latest obsession does any good? You've done so dozens of times. Here you are again.

Do you think maybe the way you are handling this isn't working very well?

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Hi @Caramoole

My husband, sister and I are reading Brain Lock by Jeffrey Schwartz - I’m finding it helpful. My therapist has also suggested she speak to them to educate them on how best to support me so we will do that this week. 
 

It’s odd - almost like I know my mind is tricking me but I can’t help but give in.

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7 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Do you think coming here daily, sometimes more often, and describing your latest obsession does any good? You've done so dozens of times. Here you are again.

Do you think maybe the way you are handling this isn't working very well?

Hey polar bear  - I think I’ve done pretty well not doing this since Saturday personally - it’s now Monday evening so that’s a good accomplishment for me. I know you’re saying it for my own good ofc :) and you’re right it isn’t helpful and more of an in the moment type thing which I’ll work on

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17 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

Hi @Caramoole

My husband, sister and I are reading Brain Lock by Jeffrey Schwartz - I’m finding it helpful. My therapist has also suggested she speak to them to educate them on how best to support me so we will do that this week. 
 

It’s odd - almost like I know my mind is tricking me but I can’t help but give in.

That's good.  The more they understand the condition and the best ways they can help, the better.  Often they too are bewildered and distressed by what's going on.  They want to help but often they can be helping with the compulsions.  If they speak with your therapist it will help them to help you in a way that's supportive but that helps you get through these flashes of extreme anxiety.

You can learn to extend the time of not giving in.  Hang onto that recognition and try to sit with those first flashes of fear, see it through, keep hold of the baby.  It can be okay to say "Oh no, here it goes again" but instead of your Husband taking the baby so you can hide under the covers, for him to say "You're doing okay, let's stick with it".  Practise really does make perfect.  It's like any new skill or sport.....it takes time to bbuild but each time you do, it gets easier :)

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1 hour ago, Ma29 said:

Hey polar bear  - I think I’ve done pretty well not doing this since Saturday personally - it’s now Monday evening so that’s a good accomplishment for me. I know you’re saying it for my own good ofc :) and you’re right it isn’t helpful and more of an in the moment type thing which I’ll work on

I'm not being mean, btw. I just want you to look at your behavior in a new light. Step back and ask, is this working for me?

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22 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I'm not being mean, btw. I just want you to look at your behavior in a new light. Step back and ask, is this working for me?

No, I know you are not being mean - I understand where you are coming from. I’ve had a few intrusive thoughts today and I’ve managed to stay away. 

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On 13/01/2022 at 17:28, Ma29 said:

Everyone - I’m really trying but I just can’t shake it off anymore and I feel like I’m nearing the finish line. 

How do I deal with this doubt of what IF I touched baby’s bottom whilst he was being transferred to his dad? 

If the intention wasn’t there, I don’t remember doing it and I am distressed by it - then does it actually matter? Is the rest irrelevant? I’m so scared and can’t do this anymore - it’s giving me a migraine.

Mummy’s are aloud to touch their own babies bottoms. My children’s bottoms were super cute and I kissed them just like most mummy’s do. They’re grown up now and not so cute now lol. You HAVE to tell OCD this! 
purposely give your babies bottom a kiss or a Pat whatever feels ok. If it helps tell the babies dad so he can be with you and watch you both so you CANT question yourself after. Try doing this perhaps after baby’s bath time when you are happy and not stressed.

I was diagnosed OCD & PD when I’d had my children  I couldn’t touch them for the fear of contamination and hurting them. I wasted a lot of time which was precious time I should of enjoyed!!!! As they grew up I realised they get WAY more “contamination” going to school. And I’ve learned to deal with it. 
your ocd is the same as everyone’s. It’s just OCD. It’s a lie!!!! 
I hope this helps 

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On 14/01/2022 at 19:08, Ma29 said:

Right.
 

However, I feel like I acted on a thought. But is it irrelevant because the thought is irrelevant?

Now I can’t remember why I gave his dad the toy and asked him to take over in the first place and whether I got the thought first and then asked him or I got the thought after or whilst. All I know is the thought wasn’t true - I didn’t want the toy to touch the baby, so does it really matter ? Am I missing the point?

STOP!!! Stop the OCD. 

I am reading it completely understanding. I have this everyday. 
It’s a whirl wind of what ifs and why’s. I’ll tell you why…. Because you’re letting OCD win. OCD is craving reassurance to make him stronger. 
you know mummy’s and daddy’s grandmas & aunties love a baby’s bottom. There is nothing sinister going on. It’s the baby in the family. It’s natural. 
you know this! If it was sinister do you think you’d feel bad? NO! 

now tell OCD this. Stop seeking reassurance. Go and give your baby a blooming lovely kiss and read a lovely story to him. Change the pattern. 
go meet some new mum friends. and enjoy spending time together. They’ll be at school soon!!! 
 

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I’m so tired.
I posted the below post on Saturday afternoon.

I cannot seem to get this out of my head.
Long story short, I fell asleep anxiously whilst my husband was feeding the baby (worrying about my fear of touching baby) and woke up half an hour later worried about my current obsession which is fear of touching the baby inappropriately (I don’t have ANY desire too it’s just a fear).

I was really worried and scared when I woke up thinking what ifs or did I ?

Anyway 1) I can’t recall anything and be certain Of what I fear 2) my husband was awake throughout the feeding and burping and is confident I was asleep and was fast asleep when he got back into bed too. 

Deep down it feels like my mind is tricking me but another part of me thinking - what ifs , if so I don’t deserve to live, I don’t deserve to be a mother, my son deserves better ect ect. 
 

I’m really scared and fed up. I just want to end it all  

 

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12 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

I’m so tired.
I posted the below post on Saturday afternoon.

I cannot seem to get this out of my head.
Long story short, I fell asleep anxiously whilst my husband was feeding the baby (worrying about my fear of touching baby) and woke up half an hour later worried about my current obsession which is fear of touching the baby inappropriately (I don’t have ANY desire too it’s just a fear).

I was really worried and scared when I woke up thinking what ifs or did I ?

Anyway 1) I can’t recall anything and be certain Of what I fear 2) my husband was awake throughout the feeding and burping and is confident I was asleep and was fast asleep when he got back into bed too. 

Deep down it feels like my mind is tricking me but another part of me thinking - what ifs , if so I don’t deserve to live, I don’t deserve to be a mother, my son deserves better ect ect. 
 

I’m really scared and fed up. I just want to end it all  

 

Lovely stop with the questions. 
It won’t help. 
move on. You’re using the forum as a type of reassurance. This is OCD. 

ITS NOT REAL! 
Go out for the day. Wrap up warm and go for a lovely walk and coffee!!

change the pattern of your day! 
but have a plan!

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Hello.

Me again.

I am really sorry but I can’t help but I’m still thinking and focusing about the other night when I got worried I had touched the baby’s nappy area.

My husband says he didn’t come near me with the baby and I was fast asleep during his feeding time - he says he was even watching Netflix during it all - I have even checked the Netflix logs and he was awake at midnight watching Netflix and started watching it again at 00:23 hours. As my husband jokes (although it’s not funny at all obviously he knows that) I have really investigated this and no way he would be able to get away with anything whilst being married to me.
 

That being said, I can’t let go - polar bear tells me I’m allowed to let this go but how can I live my life in constant fear I may have done something awful - it doesn’t sit right - I can’t do that, I just cannot. I won’t be able to live with myself with the might have might have not - I just can’t. Touching the baby’s nappy area is awful, specifically the grab/clasping motion that scares me. Now, I know for sure I didn’t HURT the baby as I’d never do that. But it doesn’t make it OK and I cannot live with not knowing. I just can’t. This is despite my husband telling me he was AWAKE and I was ASLEEP. I also do remember when having this thought for a second I was able to not give attention but then I went back to it and my mind went racing - racing possibilities of what could have happened and the only way possible for me to have touched the baby is if they sat next to me and now I can’t get this out of my head but again my husband is saying that didn’t happen so I just don’t know what else to do now as I’m not getting any answers at all - i do not want to be a bad person and im not a BAD Sick person.
I don’t know how I’ll live with this. This is the most terrible thing to live with. I don’t think anyone else would have had a more terrible thing to live with not knowing if they did something like this - why did this have to happen to me. Surely if I had done something I would have woken up knowing and wouldn’t feel bad for it. As more time goes by I’m forgetting even more and it’s scaring me - I need to focus on it. Now my question is how do we recognise whats real and what’s not - how do we live life with uncertainty - how is it possible to live life not knowing if you’ve done an awful thing - I am sure no one has had a worse thought/worry than this - it’s awful. Again my husband is saying I was asleep during this all and when he got into bed again I was asleep.

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I'm really sorry that you're struggling like this but we can't help very much if you won't try to use some of the suggestions that we make.  I know that when it's us in the middle of it, it seems like ours must be the worst anyone has felt, sadly it's not.  We've seen hundreds of members with the same OCD fears, it's very common with new Mums & Dads :(

You're still compketely stuck in a cycle of compulsions and as long as you continue like this, these horrible thoughts & fears will stay strong.  Try to work with your Husband to change your current way.  Things can change but it needs you to change the way you approach this.

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5 hours ago, Caramoole said:

I'm really sorry that you're struggling like this but we can't help very much if you won't try to use some of the suggestions that we make.  I know that when it's us in the middle of it, it seems like ours must be the worst anyone has felt, sadly it's not.  We've seen hundreds of members with the same OCD fears, it's very common with new Mums & Dads :(

You're still compketely stuck in a cycle of compulsions and as long as you continue like this, these horrible thoughts & fears will stay strong.  Try to work with your Husband to change your current way.  Things can change but it needs you to change the way you approach this.

Ok. It’s not just a thought it’s a thought telling a me I may have done something wrong that’s the worst part of this all. I am thinking I may have done something wrong and that’s scary I can’t live with that. 

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34 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

It’s not just a thought it’s a thought telling a me I may have done something wrong

But this is how OCD works Ma. What you're describing is exactly what every sufferer gets.

It's still just a thought that you've done something wrong.

The 'just a thought part' doesn't change because of what it's about. Good thoughts, bad thoughts, thoughts about abusing your baby, thoughts about loving your baby - they are all equal. All just thoughts.

Imagine you lost your ability to think in words. You wouldn't love your baby any less just because you couldn't think the words 'I love you.'

Thoughts don't matter the way you're telling yourself they do. They have no meaning and no power. They don't define you. Something isn't automatically true just because you thought it.

You're giving these unwanted thoughts the power to cause you distress by believing them. You don't have to believe them just because you thought them.

They are just thoughts. No meaning.

The right thing to do with unwanted/ bad thoughts IS to let them go. Not to believe them, buy into them, give them power and treat them as if they are true.

You've got it twisted round the wrong way, telling yourself you can't let it go because it's bad.

That's like saying you can never escape out the door of a haunted house because it's scary so you have to stay there and be permanently scared! Would you do that? No, you'd run out that door and leave it behind you as fast as you can. So do the same with these thoughts about having done something wrong. Leave them behind and don't go back there again.

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34 minutes ago, snowbear said:

But this is how OCD works Ma. What you're describing is exactly what every sufferer gets.

It's still just a thought that you've done something wrong.

The 'just a thought part' doesn't change because of what it's about. Good thoughts, bad thoughts, thoughts about abusing your baby, thoughts about loving your baby - they are all equal. All just thoughts.

Imagine you lost your ability to think in words. You wouldn't love your baby any less just because you couldn't think the words 'I love you.'

Thoughts don't matter the way you're telling yourself they do. They have no meaning and no power. They don't define you. Something isn't automatically true just because you thought it.

You're giving these unwanted thoughts the power to cause you distress by believing them. You don't have to believe them just because you thought them.

They are just thoughts. No meaning.

The right thing to do with unwanted/ bad thoughts IS to let them go. Not to believe them, buy into them, give them power and treat them as if they are true.

You've got it twisted round the wrong way, telling yourself you can't let it go because it's bad.

That's like saying you can never escape out the door of a haunted house because it's scary so you have to stay there and be permanently scared! Would you do that? No, you'd run out that door and leave it behind you as fast as you can. So do the same with these thoughts about having done something wrong. Leave them behind and don't go back there again.

Hello thanks for your response I have read and taken it in - and will try to apply. The struggle is really the ‘how can I be sure it didn’t happen part’. The fact I’m asking my husband if he sat next to me kind of proves it doesn’t it ? I don’t get it I need to know. The fact that I woke up asking my husband where he sat ect and if he sat next to me would mean I didn’t do anything because if I was sure I did something I’d remember ? I need to work this out I just need too - there are so many things going against my fear rather than for but I don’t know what to believe . 

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54 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

I need to work this out I just need too

That's a problem. :( Because you will never work it out.

You're trying to get a grip on something that doesn't exist.

I know it feels like there has to be a definite answer and if you just look hard enough you'll find it, but that's the cruelty of OCD - that feeling is a lie.

There is no answer, because there never was anything there to get hold of in the first place. It was just a thought, a movement of air, a nothingness that felt like something at the time.

In trying to work this out what you're doing is like trying to capture a sigh and work out what it's made of.

And like a sigh that you breathed out, you'll feel better afterwards for letting it go.

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39 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

The struggle is really the ‘how can I be sure it didn’t happen part’.

The honest answer is, you can't have that certainty and the struggle to find it is one of the major things that is keeping you stuck

42 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

The fact I’m asking my husband if he sat next to me kind of proves it doesn’t it ?

It should but it doesn't, does it?  No matter how many times he's tried to tell you it still doesn't satisy that sense of doubt, that need for proof.......You need to ask him again....and again.....and again.....and it still dousn't satisfy you and it never will, apart from perhaps for a very short time.  This is what we mean when we explain why reassurance seeking, evidence, videos etc etc don't work.  They just get ever more complex and you get worse and worse and more distressed.

You have a thought you might do something wrong to your baby = OCD

You have a thought that you may have done something wrong to your baby = OCD

You have contsant doubt = OCD

You need certainty & proof and try to find it = OCD

You need to be reassured by others over and again = OCD

You will feel driven to find the answer to the things that are distressing you = OCD

The way out & things you need to do

You need to understand that these are all common symptoms of OCD

You need to accept your diagnosis of OCD

You must accept that compulsions maintain & worsen your OCD.  You have to learn to identify what compulsions you do and then work to delay, resist and finally stop using compulsions

You have to trust those who do know about OCD and have no worries about you.......your GP, The perinatal team, you therapist, us here.  You have to trust those who support you like your Husband, your Sister.  Do you honestly think that that huge group of people are going to encourage you and put a baby in danger if they thought there was evidence or a risk?

You have got some reassurance there Ma because I know you are in huge distress but you have now to start to use it because we can't keep repeating it.  As difficult as it may be to understand you do have a choice here.  You can change the things you're currently doing and try to follow the advice given that is known to work.  It won't make this stop immediately, it will make you anxious but if you ride out that anxiety without resorting to compulsions, it will settle down and each time you do this it will get easier

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@snowbearand @Caramoole Thank you for your replies - I did of course read them and have been trying to apply the advice you’ve given - I truly appreciate it. 
 

It feels as though my worry about touching baby is getting worse and worse as time goes on - with my thoughts adding more horrible thoughts into the mix.

None of it makes sense. I wake up get a thought I may have touched baby during his feeding time when I was asleep.

Then create a hypothetical scenario in my head - I could ONLY have done it if they sat next to me in bed.

Then I dwell on this for ages and worry they did sit next to me whilst husband tells me they definitely did not. The same thing keeps playing in my head - me touching the baby whilst they ‘sat’ next to me and I magically woke up. 

Then the thoughts get worse and start telling me I enjoyed what I did and now this is making me feel absolutely terrible and now I’m stuck on the - what I don’t remember enjoying anything like that ?  
 

This is all so absurd and just so out of character for me - I can’t believe this is happening, it’s horrendous and so easy to give in to these thoughts. I went for a walk last night and wanted to carry on walking and walking and walking (unsure where I’d end up) - unfortunately my brother found me and brought me back home. 

 

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3 hours ago, Ma29 said:

This is all so absurd and just so out of character for me - I can’t believe this is happening, it’s horrendous and so easy to give in to these thoughts.

This is what OCD is. It’s something that you find awful.
I’m following your story and I’m so sorry you are going through this. 
I have deep regrets about not being close to my babies when they were young for OCD took hold of me. 
so I understand. 
I hope you seek help from professionals. Have you also considered Postnatal depression help. 
Along side OCD help.
They can come to your house and just chat. They don’t have to do anything. They’re just there to chat and support you. Also chat to your Health Visitor. 
no one will judge you. They are there to offer support. Let them in… they can help you if you let them. Xxx

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Hey @KaTiee

sorry to hear that this monster also impacted you when your babies were young - it’s the worst thing. 
 

I am seeing a private therapist as the NHS have been absolutely shambolic - and I’m speaking as a post natal woman who was told she would be prioritised - by prioritised they meant a wait list of 3 months. I have a support network around me which has really been my lifeline throughout this all. The health visitor decided to contact me after 8 weeks of no contact this week - asking if I can come in and get the baby weighed (again, shambolic). Sorry to rant - it’s just so frustrating and what concerns me even more (although I have enough things to worry about) is that there are many post natal women who can’t afford private sessions and will be left hanging for months, waiting for treatment to begin :(

 

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1 hour ago, Ma29 said:

Hey @KaTiee

sorry to hear that this monster also impacted you when your babies were young - it’s the worst thing. 
 

I am seeing a private therapist as the NHS have been absolutely shambolic - and I’m speaking as a post natal woman who was told she would be prioritised - by prioritised they meant a wait list of 3 months. I have a support network around me which has really been my lifeline throughout this all. The health visitor decided to contact me after 8 weeks of no contact this week - asking if I can come in and get the baby weighed (again, shambolic). Sorry to rant - it’s just so frustrating and what concerns me even more (although I have enough things to worry about) is that there are many post natal women who can’t afford private sessions and will be left hanging for months, waiting for treatment to begin :(

 

Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry to hear that the NHS have delayed their care. 
I’m sure it’s staffing Issues with Covid.

nevertheless this means you are super alone. I’m happy to hear you have been able to seek private health care. 
At the end of the day you have to function. It’s just such an awful thing to have. I am trying to self refer again myself and seeking help. It’s not an easy thing. With OCD it goes up & down all day long. Just like a roller coaster. Someone said like the game ‘wacker mole’ I thought that was a perfect description. 
finding the correct help is important. I’ve tried a few things that didn’t really work. Also keeping an open mind (easier said than done when it’s filled with all these nonsense questions) 

 

if you ever just want to chat

without seeking reassurance (which we all want too) 

I like chatting as it focuses me and brings me back to the real world. 

xx
 

 

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