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My Mind - I need to talk to someone


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1 hour ago, Ma29 said:

What’s happening ?

What do you think Ma?  Maybe because this is your OCD?  Actually, no maybe even!!

This is where you need to be very strong and stop this rumination asap, it won't help and will pull you back down the hole.  It's to be expected that this will happen, OCD doesn't just disappear but it's what we do next that's important.  Think of the Four R's again, do your best and try get yourself back on track.  Remember all that you've achieved this week....it's been a lot :)

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Ok caramoole I’ll try too. I don’t want re assurance but I was just putting the baby’s jumper on and my thumb was on the left side of his intimate area and it naturally just slid when I moved it. I feel bad now. It felt disgusting. 

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Hello. I am really trying but I feel like a bad person.

OCD is always telling me not to move my hands as soon as they are near baby’s bottom or nappy area ect.

Anyway baby was sleeping and I was holding him which is a big thing for me.

I was really anxious and one of my hands was resting on the top of his bottom, like where the bottom starts.I don’t know whether it was subconscious or intentional but it wasn’t for a bad reason I promise, however my two fingers slid a little bit.
 

I felt really anxious as soon as it happened and moved my hand away.

mans then that’s it everything I’m doing feels bad - I moved his for it felt bad - I don’t know why but I moved my hand on his foot and it felt bad. Everything feels bad. if I’m not bad or don’t have any bad intention then why am I moving my stupid hands. I hate it. I want to chop my hands off. Sorry I’m just so angry with myself
 

I feel really upset now and just want to crawl in bed. 

Edited by Ma29
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32 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

mans then that’s it everything I’m doing feels bad

I mean and* that’s it .
 

im not doing these things like moving my finger intentionally but I should be far more careful - it’s not on and I should NOT be moving my finger or should be making sure my fingers DONT slide. It’s annoying because my ocd could be like for example don’t move your finger it’s bad, you’re bad OR it could be like move your finger move your finger, it’s bad to move your finger, you’re a bad person ect and then if my finger moves I feel awful for it. Then I think did my ocd make me do that? What happened? Why did I do that? I definitely  know I’m not doing it with bad intentions but then ocd tells me otherwise and I feel awful for it. It makes no sense - moving my finger isn’t bad, my hands moving or my two fingers sliding isn’t bad but I think it is? Im not sitting there and genuinely thinking I would like to touch this area now for this bad reason and doing it - im not. I don’t want to be that person, im not that person. No no no. 

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1 hour ago, Ma29 said:

moving my finger isn’t bad, my hands moving or my two fingers sliding isn’t bad but I think it is? 

Yes, you "think" it is.  You fear it is......but you know yourself that it's OCD that makes you feel like this.  As an outsider looking in I can already see a lot of improvement from last week.  Watch your brain  doesn't slip into rumination mode.  Keep going :)

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Thanks @Caramoole.

Intrusive thoughts are flooding in so much today. I am really trying but it’s so so hard. 

I decided to feed the baby this evening and then start ruminating about my fingers moving before and I’m sitting there thinking ‘it’s NOT like I stroked the baby’s nappy area’ and then a few seconds later when I take the bottle out of baby’s mouth because he’s not drinking the ocd thinks ‘what if you stroked baby’s nappy area’. And now I feel awful again. Again, I know I have NO bad intention but this thing is so convincing and it’s so scary and hard to deal with it - I hate it. 

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3 hours ago, Ma29 said:

Everything feels bad. if I’m not bad or don’t have any bad intention then why am I moving my stupid hands. I hate it. I want to chop my hands off. Sorry I’m just so angry with myself

Are you angry at yourself or at your OCD? Because right now, you're speaking as if your pain and anxiety are caused by your normal interactions with your child. This just isn't true. Your problem is the OCD, which your anger directed at yourself only makes more powerful. After all, what is the end outcome of this line of reasoning? If you believe that your actions are genuinely the problem, the only solution is to not interact with your son ever again! Obviously, that's the last thing you want and not an acceptable solution. The crazy thing is, even if you somehow did stop interacting with your child, the OCD would just find a new topic to focus on. Imagine that: spending all this time and pain avoiding "wrong" actions with your child only to end up with an entirely new obsession!

3 hours ago, Ma29 said:

im not doing these things like moving my finger intentionally but I should be far more careful - it’s not on and I should NOT be moving my finger or should be making sure my fingers DONT slide. It’s annoying because my ocd could be like for example don’t move your finger it’s bad, you’re bad OR it could be like move your finger move your finger, it’s bad to move your finger, you’re a bad person ect and then if my finger moves I feel awful for it. 

This is why trying to "solve" OCD never works. OCD anxiety just doesn't make sense. You can't win an argument with it or find an "answer" to why it's happening. The strange truth is that the obsessions and intrusive thoughts simply mean nothing at all. They are a product of a mental illness, full stop. If you treat them as if they are meaningless, they lose their power more quickly than you might imagine. 

You have to start fighting, Ma! Start talking back to it! I know, it's so hard, but I can see your anger, and if you direct that anger into determination into taking back your life--well, there's nothing you can't do. ❤️ 

 

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7 minutes ago, Saffron37 said:

Are you angry at yourself or at your OCD? Because right now, you're speaking as if your pain and anxiety are caused by your normal interactions with your child. This just isn't true. Your problem is the OCD, which your anger directed at yourself only makes more powerful. After all, what is the end outcome of this line of reasoning? If you believe that your actions are genuinely the problem, the only solution is to not interact with your son ever again! Obviously, that's the last thing you want and not an acceptable solution. The crazy thing is, even if you somehow did stop interacting with your child, the OCD would just find a new topic to focus on. Imagine that: spending all this time and pain avoiding "wrong" actions with your child only to end up with an entirely new obsession!

This is why trying to "solve" OCD never works. OCD anxiety just doesn't make sense. You can't win an argument with it or find an "answer" to why it's happening. The strange truth is that the obsessions and intrusive thoughts simply mean nothing at all. They are a product of a mental illness, full stop. If you treat them as if they are meaningless, they lose their power more quickly than you might imagine. 

You have to start fighting, Ma! Start talking back to it! I know, it's so hard, but I can see your anger, and if you direct that anger into determination into taking back your life--well, there's nothing you can't do. ❤️ 

 

I love this post thank you for writing it, it’s very inspirational to me tonight also. A longtime OCD sufferer.

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3 hours ago, Ma29 said:

 

I mean and* that’s it .
 

im not doing these things like moving my finger intentionally but I should be far more careful - it’s not on and I should NOT be moving my finger or should be making sure my fingers DONT slide. It’s annoying because my ocd could be like for example don’t move your finger it’s bad, you’re bad OR it could be like move your finger move your finger, it’s bad to move your finger, you’re a bad person ect and then if my finger moves I feel awful for it. Then I think did my ocd make me do that? What happened? Why did I do that? I definitely  know I’m not doing it with bad intentions but then ocd tells me otherwise and I feel awful for it. It makes no sense - moving my finger isn’t bad, my hands moving or my two fingers sliding isn’t bad but I think it is? Im not sitting there and genuinely thinking I would like to touch this area now for this bad reason and doing it - im not. I don’t want to be that person, im not that person. No no no. 

NO! You should not be far more careful. You don't have to be careful at all. Touch your baby. All over.

Remember, this isn't about touching your baby inappropriately. It's about a THOUGHT that you did so. Just a thought. And the thought happens to be a lie.

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Just now, PolarBear said:

NO! You should not be far more careful. You don't have to be careful at all. Touch your baby. All over.

Remember, this isn't about touching your baby inappropriately. It's about a THOUGHT that you did so. Just a thought. And the thought happens to be a lie.

Not to hijack this thread PB but I’m still being bothered about whether I did something or not. What would you advise? Thanks 

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1 minute ago, Nikki79 said:

Not to hijack this thread PB but I’m still being bothered about whether I did something or not. What would you advise? Thanks 

Stop trying to figure out if you did this thing or not. You know it's a compulsion. Leave it alone.

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17 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Stop trying to figure out if you did this thing or not. You know it's a compulsion. Leave it alone.

But sometimes I see images that tell me did but in reality I can’t see how I would have done this thing and not feel bad about it after. 

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1 minute ago, Nikki79 said:

But sometimes I see images that tell me did but in reality I can’t see how I would have done this thing and not feel bad about it after. 

So what? You get tons of thoughts every day. You make a decision to act on those thoughts or dismiss them. Choose wisely.

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Erm sorry but the ocd is telling me I stroked the baby’s nappy area with one finger when I took the bottle from his mouth - how am I going to get Over this because now I can’t remember and I feel awful - I don’t recall doing it, I keep going over it - I can’t leave it alone.  I’m a bad person. What if the ocd got to me and I did it - I’m really scared. Yes I know  it wouldn’t have caused any harm and yes I know I’ve no ill intention but that does not make it ok. No no no. 

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Sorry Ma but with the very greatest respect (and understanding) you're talking nonsense, OCD nonsense!

3 hours ago, Ma29 said:

Yes I know  it wouldn’t have caused any harm and yes I know I’ve no ill intention 

Just have a look at that sentence!  You know it wouldn't have caused any harm.  So the problem is what exactly?

3 hours ago, Ma29 said:

that does not make it ok. No no no. 

How can something be wrong when you know it's an action that wouldn't cause any harm?

The both of you, you and Nikki have to work very hard at trying to resist doing this compulsion of calling yourself a bad person etc.  You have to try and be ready for when this doubt strikes, relabel it for what it is, OCD, and then resist these compulsions of self-loathing

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1 hour ago, Ma29 said:

Erm sorry but the ocd is telling me I stroked the baby’s nappy area with one finger when I took the bottle from his mouth 

So? I mean, really, so what? I'd come over there right now if I could, feed your baby, have my fingers all over the nappy, rub his butt with my hand, stroke his back... and none of it would be bad. I wouldn't feel bad. It's not bad. 

Once again, this is all about a THOUGHT that you did something wrong. But you didn't. The thought is a lie. The travesty is that you believe the lie (as all other sufferers do).

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Hey Nikki, 

I know it may not seem like it but sounds like the usual garbage OCD throws at us! The feelings a lie and everything gets exaggerated..I’ve had several intrusive thoughts today - some are just pathetic, honestly ! 

let’s refocus ..

How are you otherwise? 

I managed to go to a department store today and have a coffee with baby and husband which was nice.

How do you look after yourself? I know it’s hard with child but self care is really important :) 

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2 hours ago, Ma29 said:

Hey Nikki, 

I know it may not seem like it but sounds like the usual garbage OCD throws at us! The feelings a lie and everything gets exaggerated..I’ve had several intrusive thoughts today - some are just pathetic, honestly ! 

let’s refocus ..

How are you otherwise? 

I managed to go to a department store today and have a coffee with baby and husband which was nice.

How do you look after yourself? I know it’s hard with child but self care is really important :) 

I’m not at the moment but I want to cos it’s not helping with my illness but I’m just obsessed about whether I did something horrible to my child or not. 

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You and I know that when we feel like this it is the OCD talking. In reality we have not done anything wrong - it’s just a thought that we may have, just a thought.
 

Back to you now, what do you enjoy doing? Maybe have a goal to do one thing for your self this week - it could be anything. What’s the worst that can happen? Nothing. You need to look after yourself. I find the achievements thread quite motivating - aim to do something nice for yourself and tell us about it there :) . I started off with painting my nails last week - it felt really nice. 

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5 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

You and I know that when we feel like this it is the OCD talking. In reality we have not done anything wrong - it’s just a thought that we may have, just a thought.
 

Back to you now, what do you enjoy doing? Maybe have a goal to do one thing for your self this week - it could be anything. What’s the worst that can happen? Nothing. You need to look after yourself. I find the achievements thread quite motivating - aim to do something nice for yourself and tell us about it there :) . I started off with painting my nails last week - it felt really nice. 

It’s hard when some thoughts feel more stronger than others isn’t it? But you would still say that’s just a thought? As in a thought is a thought is a thought….

 

I like spending time walking or outdoors or having a coffee with a friend x

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I know I understand,

I just came upstairs and had to give my baby some medicine as he is teething and so is in pain. My husband was holding him in his arms, like cradling him - baby was crying a lot. I went over to give the medicine to baby in a syringe, it was difficult as he was crying so much.
Anyway, I dropped the syringe so had to catch it and so touched baby a little in process of catching it. this triggered the thoughts. Once I finished giving the medicine to the baby, I moved my hand away and whilst walking away a thought is telling me I’ve done something bad but I don’t remember intentionally doing anything bad so what could I have done? Now all I’m thinking about is what I could have done - I don’t remember having ANY bad intention or notice to do anything bad and I’d never do that ever but I just can’t remember and I keep going over and over it in my head. It’s really making me distressed. 

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