Worried

[Cora]

Today's been weird. 

Early in the morning I had a massive avalanche of sexual urges and feelings towards my brother. I felt like I wanted to act on them. I felt that eventually, in the near future, I would have to act on them. Of course, I got extremely scared and ruminated for hours. And then I started thinking that maybe I already did act on them. I don't know, something clicked in my brain and it seemed to make sense that I must have already acted on them. I know I've confessed to you probably every "incident" that happened for the past three years and every time I was told it was not acting on urges but I still feel doubtful and even icky. All those kisses and hugs given to my brother in a kind of impulsive way after thoughts and urges seem very wrong in this moment, so I do feel scared.

I'm not asking for reassurance. I've just had this ugly cloud above me for the past hours and it feels wrong and uncomfortable, and I can't switch my attention from it to anything else (despite all the uni work I've got). 

[snowbear]

59 minutes ago, Cora said:

I can't switch my attention from it to anything else

But that's exactly what you have to do, Cora. And can do, despite feeling uncomfortable.

All the misery of today has come from your ruminating, not from the 'urges' you had. You have to get used to doing other things instead of ruminating. Of course you won't feel right leaving the thoughts alone and doing something else, that's why you keep going back over it some more, and some more, and...

If you want this to end you have to break that cycle. Which means starting to push yourself to do other things even when you feel icky, even when you feel you won't be able to concentrate. Try it. You might surprise yourself how much you can concentrate, and how helpful it is at taking your mind off the ruminating.

Get stuck in on that uni work tomorrow, no matter what kind of day you have OCD-wise!

[Cora]

Thank you so much, @snowbear. And I'm also sorry. 

12 hours ago, snowbear said:

Get stuck in on that uni work tomorrow, no matter what kind of day you have OCD-wise!

I tried to do this. And it did work. Everything seemed bearable until my brother had his friend over. That's when things got awful.

I understand that confessing is a compulsion and I understand that it's going to upset/bother you but I am sick to my stomach and have to share this with someone. I knew this friend was coming over days ago and I have tried to deal with this particular worry on my own and it seemed to work but something happened and I made ten steps back.

I used to have intrusive thoughts about this friend (of my brother), including that he was attractive and that he had features of an adult male. About a year ago, my brother was talking to him over whatsapp and, with these thoughts in mind if I remember well, I said something out loud on purpose because I wanted to impress the friend. And I did that twice. When I think back to that, I feel like throwing up because I don't understand why I would do that. 

And today, when I walked into the living room - the room they were in - I started smiling. I had some intrusive thoughts, very similar to the ones I used to have, and I just started smiling. It felt wrong and uncomfortable. 

Today is another day of misery and I feel so awful. 

[discuccsant]

“Oh my god, you really tried to impress someone over the phone a year ago, by saying something loudly to your brother? How could you!?”

Is that the reaction you want to hear from us? Is that the reaction you expect from us by telling us this story? 

Look. You say you have to share this. But why? Why do you think so, if you know by yourself, that confessing this kind of events every single time is going to make things worse, as this is an OCD compulsion? You just said it yourself in the very beginning and how bad confessing is, so I don't really get your goal behind in all of this.

If you don't try to change this behavior pattern, you'll confess things like that for the next 50 years: There is no way, you'll be ever happy again in your life, if you continue this kind of behavior. Isn't that more scary than anything else, being stuck in this hell for the rest of your life, just because you don't stop confessing and ruminating about stuff?

I'm not a fortune-teller, but rest be assured, that you'll be stuck with OCD forever, if you don't change your compulsion patterns. As harsh this may sound to you, but there is sadly no way out in all of this, if you don't give it a change.

There is no magical answer, nor any kind of explanation, which will give an end to all of this. There is simply none. The only way to end all of this, is to accept this very reality and let your false expectations go, by giving up your compulsions and focusing on something else.

Edited January 16, 2022 by discuccsant

[Cora]

41 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

Oh my god, you really tried to impress someone over the phone a year ago, by saying something loudly to your brother? How could you!?”

My point was that I was trying to impress a child. That's why I am worried. Because I wanted to impress a damn child. That isn't a normal thing, unless it's your job to impress children or if you're a parent and want to show them how good you are. It was neither my job to impress him nor was I the parent of this child - what happened was that I had intrusive thoughts that he was attractive and as a (stupid) response I wanted to impress him.

41 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

Look. You say you have to share this. But why?

Because it makes me feel sick. And because, apparently, I'm not able to function properly if I don't do it. 

41 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

If you don't try to change this behavior pattern, you'll confess things like that for the next 50 years: There is no way, you'll be ever happy again in your life, if you continue this kind of behavior. Isn't that more scary than anything else, being stuck in this hell for the rest of your life, just because you don't stop confessing and ruminating about stuff?

Yes, it is more scary than anything else, I can't disagree with that. 

I've said this before. Although it might not seem like it, I want to get better. My life has no value at the moment and I want to change that. And I'm trying. Yes, it's barely anything compared to what I should be doing but I'm trying. They're so small that you can't really notice them, but I think I made some improvements. The thing is though I still don't know how to not be overwhelmed by all these memories and events; there's just so many of them, way too many. 

Edited January 16, 2022 by Cora

[malina]

9 minutes ago, Cora said:

They're so small that you can't really notice them, but I think I made some improvements.

Hey Cora,

I noticed that you have made some improvements! I noticed that you are trying harder to resist compulsions and face your fears. I also understand that it's hard and that you have to start with small steps.

[Cora]

2 hours ago, malina said:

Hey Cora,

I noticed that you have made some improvements! I noticed that you are trying harder to resist compulsions and face your fears. I also understand that it's hard and that you have to start with small steps.

Thank you so much, malina. I know I could do much, much better but I'm happy with what I've got at the moment since that's better than nothing. 

[Cora]

36 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you so much, malina. I know I could do much, much better but I'm happy with what I've got at the moment since that's better than nothing. 

Just wanted to clarify that when I said happy I didn't mean that I'm actually happy with the situation - I hate the situation I'm in! But, as I said, it's probably better than how it used to be. 

[discuccsant]

4 hours ago, Cora said:

My point was that I was trying to impress a child. That's why I am worried. Because I wanted to impress a damn child. That isn't a normal thing, unless it's your job to impress children or if you're a parent and want to show them how good you are. It was neither my job to impress him nor was I the parent of this child - what happened was that I had intrusive thoughts that he was attractive and as a (stupid) response I wanted to impress him.

Look. Let's try to see what's the difference between you, with your OCD, and anybody else who reads this is. But I'm totally honest to you and really question whether one would be able to perfectly recall a memory from a year ago and a thought + intention. Like, I question the very event itself, but okay, let's take it for real for a moment.

Anyway. I'm 100% sure, if it really happened, that everybody does this, without really thinking about it and unknowingly. It has nothing to do with attraction to anyone or anything. It's just flexing for no reason. You want to act cool, or you want to be fancied. It doesn't matter who the person (or person group) might be, but it's just like a way to feel good about oneself to see, that other people admire one, like one or think they are beautiful. People dress attractive, because they want to be attractive for others. People say here and then wise stuff, because they want to be seen as wise. And people say “cool” stuff, because they want to be seen as cool by others. You get my point, right?

One step further: If a woman styles herself and dresses herself to look good for the office, does that mean that she has cheated her husband, as her husband isn't even around there? No! The logic your OCD wants to imply on your thinking is just nonsense. It's just all about improving one's self-worth. That's the normal way anybody would see it. Hell, they wouldn't even know that they did that, like it's so MINOR and something so NATURAL, that nobody would question oneself regarding this. Nobody would question themselves, because they aren't even aware of that. It's as I said completely natural to human behavior. I've never seen ANYONE question themselves why they like to dress stylish or what this does man or implies. Yet you do. See the difference?

So for me and anybody else, it's so stupidly normal human, that I can EASILY see through what it means (NOTHING), yet you are somehow not able to see it and instead, you interpret this minor “event” as something extremely horrible in the WORST possible scenario. As always. You explode its importance out of space. You try to give it a bigger meaning, when there is no meaning at all. At least, nothing worthy enough to be called “meaning”.

This is the big flaw in your mind, but you can't put out these OCD goggles, if you keep looking through it. You get what I mean? Why would it be so easy for me to “live” with this “incident”, while you are questioning your existence because of something so stupid? This is the point, you need to ask yourself. Why are you so different from anybody else regarding this? You need to understand this. And the answer to that is very simple: Because I never ruminated about these things, and it's nothing I would even think about. Like, I don't even know that I flex here and then. After reading your post, though, I was like: “Oh yeah, that sounds familiar. I also sometimes flex in front of other people, to be seen as cool”. I was only aware of moments like that, after reading your post. And I live for a long time, yet I was never aware of me doing that, yet it sounds familiar to me. But not once in my lifetime did I ask myself this or even noticed me flexing for no reason. See how extreme your rumination got?

And you want to achieve this normal level of thinking again, before your OCD got you there, where you're right now: Being SUPER aware of every single thought, feeling or “incident”. That's super wrong. I've also seen you using the word “automatic movement” sometimes: I'm pretty sure the very same goes for that. Like everybody does these “automatic movements”, yet nobody is really aware of it, because it's like not noticeable, if you don't have it in your mind. I'm aware of it. I had OCD regarding touching people. Was horrible. But I'm pretty sure others, without OCD, are like: “Oh, you mean that? Oh, well. Yeah, maybe I sometimes slightly moved my hand to a specific direction, but I never really noticed it. I don't really know. Who cares?”. While you are like, “OH MY GOD, I DID THE WORST POSSIBLE THING!”.

Do you know what I mean? The whole point of not giving into compulsions, is to stop being this super cautious about everything, even though nobody would notice a thing, if that had happened to them. Like no one. Trust me.

Edited January 16, 2022 by discuccsant

[Cora]

Hi @discuccsant, 

Thank you for taking the time to write this lengthy reply and for offering me great advice - I really appreciate it.