Suicidal, swore on sons life

[Nolightleft]

As ive said i feel terrible guilt from having many sexual fantasies, very perverse about others than my wife

Last night in a conversation she said she would see it as cheating if i fantasized about others, i should have confessed but she asked me to swear on my sons life that i never had, i did, im so worried now, i should have just confessed im a sick lier who deseves to die

 

[discuccsant]

Fantasizing about others is absolutely normal. Pretty sure your wife does it occasionally as well. Don't want to sound rude, but this sounds very weird to me. I mean: It's in our biology to find others to be attractive? I'm pretty sure I would be hurt, if I would know about all the fantasies my wife does have, but I don't really want to know, as I know it has absolutely no importance.

Hmm. Not only that, but I'm not sure how to overcome this, if a very unrealistic expectation like that is set in your relationship. The mind is free of judgement. Who cares who you fantasize about: Just random neurons in your brain producing some images. I'm not sure how this considered to be cheating.

Did you ever try to be completely open about this and your anxiety to your wife? Sometimes we tend to say stuff like that in relationship, without really meaning it literally, but just to make sure to emphasize, that we don't like something, i.e., to be cheated on.

Edited January 16, 2022 by discuccsant

[Uphillstruggles]

Completely agree with discuccsant, your wife isn’t allowed monopoly on your brain - we’re all human and part of being human is sometimes being out of control of why we find some attractive or whatever. Doesn’t mean we’ll act on it! 
 

Without wishing to be disrespectful of your wife she’s being unreasonable and it’s probably making your thoughts worse as it’s “taboo”. Relax and know these thoughts are just human thoughts. You’ve not cheated.

also people who ask people to swear on X’s life- this is also disordered and unreasonable. 
 

what you think in your head is none of her business just as what my husband thinks is none of mine. You’re not a sick liar. Be kind to yourself please.

[Saffron37]

4 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

Last night in a conversation she said she would see it as cheating if i fantasized about others, i should have confessed but she asked me to swear on my sons life that i never had, i did, im so worried now, i should have just confessed im a sick lier who deseves to die

This is a pretty weird viewpoint for your wife to have, no disrespect intended. Sexual fantasies and attraction to those who aren't your spouse is not only natural, it's inevitable. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain, but please try to remember that most people would find your wife's viewpoint to be extreme and unrealistic. 

[snowbear]

2 hours ago, Saffron37 said:

most people would find your wife's viewpoint to be extreme and unrealistic. 

I agree.

Also most people who swear on their son's/ mother's /wife's life will break that vow in a heartbeat without giving it a seciond thought. Don't allow this to become another thing for OCD to latch onto. Let it go. Treat it as just something you said in the heat of the moment and not some moral rule that has any significance or meaning.

[Nolightleft]

Thankyou all so much for your kind support

I am so tired of feeling like a perverted monster and this definitely hasnt helped

My wife has many beautiful qualities but she is also extremely insecure about her self and unfortunately shes one of the 2% who never fantasizes and that makes this theme so hard as ive always had a strong sexual imagination

Its as if im in a rock and a hard place, i put to much emphasis on being 100% honest so although it would hurt her i still feel the constant need to confess every graphic sexual fantasy ive had and who was in it or else i feel like im lying or hiding the true me. 

Every second of the day i am tormented by this, it is destroying me inside and i cant see my self ever with peace of mind again

[Jan111]

Hey @Nolightleft , hope you’re okay

that strong feeling to confess the truth is OCD. It’s trying to make you think if you do you’ll be better but you won’t. If you’re feeling guilty why don’t you just do things with your wife that make her happy? That way your ocd thoughts will not be so strong because you are distracting yourself too and you are treating your wife highly and making her enjoy herself which is all that matters really. Not the thoughts.

[malina]

Hi @Nolightleft,

I have to agree with everyone that your wife's demands are very unreasonable. I really mean no disrespect but she is asking you not to do something very normal and human and also asking you to swear on your son's life that you are not doing this.

4 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

My wife has many beautiful qualities but she is also extremely insecure about her self

The way I see it is that her asking you to do this is in some ways similar to someone with OCD asking their partner to do a compulsions with them. Her request came from a problem of her own. Rather than dealing with her own insecurity in a more productive way, she is trying to give herself a sense of unreasonable security and is getting you involved in that.

I think you have to understand that in swearing to this, you were the bigger person in the situation. You gave her the sense of security that she wanted and you need to move on with your lives now.

[Caramoole]

Your Wife is being completely unreasonable with her demands BUT you have a big role in this yourself with your constant confessions.  Yes it's fine and healthy to engage in your own personal fantasies, no problem at all but it us unreasonable to offload them all, to describe every detail of the content to her, especially if it causes her upset and isn't something she chooses to share in.  What you're really doing isn't sharing fantasies but forcing her to engage in your compulsions....in just the same way someone may expect their partner to undress on the doormat and go take a shower because of their contamination issues.

You have to separate this out and realise that most of the problem is happening because of your compulsions and that's where the real work needs to start

[Caramoole]

2 minutes ago, malina said:

Hi @Nolightleft,

I have to agree with everyone that your wife's demands are very unreasonable. I really mean no disrespect but she is asking you not to do something very normal and human and also asking you to swear on your son's life that you are not doing this.

The way I see it is that her asking you to do this is in some ways similar to someone with OCD asking their partner to do a compulsions with them. Her request came from a problem of her own. Rather than dealing with her own insecurity in a more productive way, she is trying to give herself a sense of unreasonable security and is getting you involved in that.

I think you have to understand that in swearing to this, you were the bigger person in the situation. You gave her the sense of security that she wanted and you need to move on with your lives now.

We crossed posts there ☺

I agree with you in part but as mentioned above, I think the situation has mostly arisen because of the incessant confessions and attempt to find reassurance.  It's slightly different to a "normal" situation where there's just a conflict of opinions.

[malina]

1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

We crossed posts there ☺

I agree with you in part but as mentioned above, I think the situation has mostly arisen because of the incessant confessions and attempt to find reassurance.  It's slightly different to a "normal" situation where there's just a conflict of opinions.

Good point, I wasn't aware of the history but it makes sense that when you have one partner who is insecure about themselves and the other who constantly wants to confess having fantasies about other people, that drives the insecurity even further and results in a difficult situation for both people. All the more reason not to confess!

[Caramoole]