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I woke up this morning in a huge panic. My mind is telling me that I did act on all past urges, that when I compare myself to anyone else, I've done the worst things, that all those kisses and hugs for my brother should have never happened. It's frightening. I had plans for revision today and I've already lost enough to OCD so I can't afford more days where I don't do anything because of how I feel. But I'm not sure how to ignore this nagging "voice". 

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Cora,

you have to understand that these feelings will come back, you will have bad days and you have to practice treating the same way as you treat them on good days. This may seem like an awful day to you but it's a great opportunity to practice, if you make even tiny progress on a bad day like today, you will be so much stronger. And there is no "I had plans for revision today", you have exams, you have to revise!

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Hi malina, 

I think the main reason I feel this way is because I had some exposures yesterday which make me feel very grossed out, and because I haven't confessed to anyone which feels wrong and weird for some reason. But I don't want to confess anyway. 

21 minutes ago, malina said:

you have to understand that these feelings will come back, you will have bad days and you have to practice treating the same way as you treat them on good days. This may seem like an awful day to you but it's a great opportunity to practice, if you make even tiny progress on a bad day like today, you will be so much stronger. And there is no "I had plans for revision today", you have exams, you have to revise!

Thank you very much for this! I will try my best to revise as much as possible. 

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11 minutes ago, Cora said:

Hi malina, 

I think the main reason I feel this way is because I had some exposures yesterday which make me feel very grossed out, and because I haven't confessed to anyone which feels wrong and weird for some reason. But I don't want to confess anyway.

Well done for this! If you feel grossed out, wrong and weird, it means your exposures are working and you're doing the right things. Keep going and good luck with revision!

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1 hour ago, malina said:

Well done for this! If you feel grossed out, wrong and weird, it means your exposures are working and you're doing the right things. Keep going and good luck with revision!

Thank you very much, malina. 

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I'm having an awful night. I have this feelings inside which feels like a desire to act on my thoughts. Just like last night. I keep thinking that I want to act on my thoughts. I don't want to but that's what it feels like. And there's also this very annoying, persistent feeling in my groinal area. And it's contributing to the feeling of wanting to act on the thoughts. 

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3 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

So what are you going to do, on your own?

Polarbear, I'm trying to sit with the anxiety it causes me and I have done that all day but I've noticed no change.  It almost feels like I have to act on the thought so it would stop - I know it sounds bad. 

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Are you sitting there going over it in your head, trying to figure out if the thoughts are true, trying to work it out?

Sufferers who sit with the anxiety often just sit there, doing nothing else but ruminating. You must do something else. Leave the thought alone and put your focusnon something else.

 

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I feel so much worse today. Everything seemes so much harder to deal with. 

I thought I could make it but I was wrong. I have to confess this. Two nights ago I had thoughts that I wanted to act on the urges towards my brother and I nearly did, and I feel extremely guilty and ashamed. I had thoughts like "I want to do it! I really want to do touch him inappropriately! Why shouldn't I do it?! It would feel nice to do it. I'm going to do it!". I was physically very close to him when I had those thoughts and I was ready to do it. But I can't confirm I didn't do it. In my head one minute I did it, the next I didn't. 

And now because of all of that all the other (past) incidents and moments are flooding back, all at the same time, every hour there's a different one that I think about. I feel awful. I feel grossed out. I haven't done any studying yet, just stayed in my bed all morning, which makes me feel even worse.

This sounds stupid but I just want someone to take this pain away from me. It's horrible to have this kind of life where one day things seem normal, or at least bearable, and the next you are the worst human you've ever met. 

Edited by Cora
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Sadly, that's the way it goes Cora.  You have to keep moving forward, keep an eye on compulsions and keep changing how you respond to this, then things will gradually start to get better, bad days fewer.  It takes time.  If you resort back to compulsions, confessions etc things will stay awful.  Stick with it :)

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I’m really proud of you for trying, Cora! One thing that might be important to keep in mind is that feeling worse does not equate to something is wrong. In fact, feeling worse in the short term is really inevitable as you start to perform exposures and refrain from compulsions. That does not mean that you are going in the wrong direction, rather the opposite! Please don’t give up!

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9 minutes ago, Saffron37 said:

I’m really proud of you for trying, Cora! One thing that might be important to keep in mind is that feeling worse does not equate to something is wrong. In fact, feeling worse in the short term is really inevitable as you start to perform exposures and refrain from compulsions. That does not mean that you are going in the wrong direction, rather the opposite! Please don’t give up!

:goodpost:

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On 18/01/2022 at 12:23, Caramoole said:

Sadly, that's the way it goes Cora.  You have to keep moving forward, keep an eye on compulsions and keep changing how you respond to this, then things will gradually start to get better, bad days fewer.  It takes time.  If you resort back to compulsions, confessions etc things will stay awful.  Stick with it :)

 

18 hours ago, Saffron37 said:

I’m really proud of you for trying, Cora! One thing that might be important to keep in mind is that feeling worse does not equate to something is wrong. In fact, feeling worse in the short term is really inevitable as you start to perform exposures and refrain from compulsions. That does not mean that you are going in the wrong direction, rather the opposite! Please don’t give up!

Thank you very much, Caramoole and Saffron.

Today I still feel horrible. I can't bring myself to do any work. I just feel incredibly guilty and ashamed and nothing helps. I just want to stay in bed all day. I woke up with another awful memory. 

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Just now, Cora said:

Today I still feel horrible. I can't bring myself to do any work. I just feel incredibly guilty and ashamed and nothing helps. I just want to stay in bed all day. I woke up with another awful memory. 

I know you feel horrible, and I'm so sorry. Get up and get going anyways--I promise, it will help. Lying in bed will drag you down further--I've been there too many times. ❤️ 

You know the way you feel compassion for all of us on the forums? I've seen your posts on other threads and they're always so kind and encouraging. Try to remember that you're in the very same boat as the rest of us, and direct a little bit of that compassion and love to yourself as well. I believe in you.

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I know there's nothing else that can be added and I'm not posting for advice, I just don't feel well. It sounds silly but I wish there were a way to just get rid of all these memories - they are killing me and I have no idea for how long they will keep doing this. 

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1 minute ago, Saffron37 said:

I know you feel horrible, and I'm so sorry. Get up and get going anyways--I promise, it will help. Lying in bed will drag you down further--I've been there too many times. ❤️ 

You know the way you feel compassion for all of us on the forums? I've seen your posts on other threads and they're always so kind and encouraging. Try to remember that you're in the very same boat as the rest of us, and direct a little bit of that compassion and love to yourself as well. I believe in you.

Thank you, Saffron! 

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It feels scary to let this go. 

Months ago I had a couple of moments where if I read an article about a child being sexually abused, I would feel arousal or something similar to it and because of that I would want to carry on reading the article. I would realise what I had done and feel guilty only moments later which, to he honest, meant nothing to me. This morning I woke up thinking about these moments and I'm absolutely petrified of my behaviour. 

I'm trying to come up with answers. I'm trying to tell myself that maybe, deep down, just like the other times, I wanted to go against my OCD. But it's bull. I can clearly remember, even to this day, that I would like the feeling and then only because of that I would keep reading that awful stuff. 

I keep asking myself "Why did I do that for?/What was going on in my mind during those moments?" but my mind goes blank. 

I keep repeating myself but I truly feel sick to my stomach. I really hate myself. I've even self harmed (nothing major) to punish myself but nothing can take away this disgust towards myself, which, as dumb as it might sound, is probably the actual punishment for what I did - living in your own misery seems like the worst punishment ever if you were to ask me. 

Edited by Cora
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Cora, whilst I really understand your struggle and how hard it is for you, I can't let you keep coming to the forum to use it just to keep repeating these incidents in a way that is doing you no favours.  Everyone is here to help you but in a constructive way that helps you move forward in a more successful way.

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Just now, Caramoole said:

Cora, whilst I really understand your struggle and how hard it is for you, I can't let you keep coming to the forum to use it just to keep repeating these incidents in a way that is doing you no favours.  Everyone is here to help you but in a constructive way that helps you move forward in a more successful way.

Okay, I understand, Caramoole. 

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Come on Cora.....everyone is in your corner and gunning for you to get better, to get that glimmer of light that can help you to understand and find the strength to work through these horrible attacks of doubt and fear.  We all understand it but I'm not going to encourage you to harm yourself in this way.  No-one wants that for you :)

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15 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Come on Cora.....everyone is in your corner and gunning for you to get better, to get that glimmer of light that can help you to understand and find the strength to work through these horrible attacks of doubt and fear.  We all understand it but I'm not going to encourage you to harm yourself in this way.  No-one wants that for you :)

Thank you, Caramoole. 

On top of feeling horrible and worthless, today I also feel angry and frustrated with myself for doing certain things, including the ones I mentioned last night. I realise that self pity is not helping me, but I feel like I am a very, very bad, disgusting person. 

This morning I had another memory pop up. I decided to help myself and instead of confessing I looked through my old threads since I had already confessed the incident before. I've found it and I've got the advice, and I know what I have to do but I just can't bring myself to actually do it. 

I've had my second Covid vaccine yesterday and I've felt awful all night and that's not helping either. 

I just wish certain things didn't happen in my life and that I were more careful.  

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