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So sorry to the people who have tried to support me on this forum


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As the title says im so so sorry to the lovely kind people on this forum,please believe me when i say i never intended to make a fool out of you or waste your time but pretended as a pathetic way of desperately needing reasurance

The way of signing in changed from forum name to email and i couldnt remember my email so i started under a new name, i should have said but instead i made out i was new to ocd, i am ashamed of this and truly sorry 

Its no exuse but ive had a bad time,i snuck into an abandoned church wanting to hang my self but someone called the police who took me away, then a botched attemt at an overdose where i was found and only managed to damage my insides. 

Ive been helped to a point by the crisis team and psychological therapy services. 

Please forgive me for deceiving you all, it came from a desperate place

With much regret and thanks for the help youve given me over the years, sorry i couldnt beat this with the amazing words youve all given

Battlethrough x

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I'm so sorry too Battle, but you don't have anything to apologise for, genuinely. Everyone here knows just how desperate the need for reassurance can be sometimes. Please though, if you ever feel suicidal again will you reach out to someone? Always remember you're amongst friends who are here to help you.

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Thankyou,its been so many years, so many meds,the wrong therapy,ive reached the point i really dont want to be here, i cant speak to my partner as ive confessed so much its destroyed her inside,i was ringing samaritens every day, ocd uk, crisis teams,im hoping the pts will be able to help, every second of every day is hell, ocd is no life to have

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39 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

I am thankyou after a lot of pushing, i went from primary then secondry care then was referred to bristol pts

I'm glad to hear that you have support, I hope it makes a huge difference to you. OCD really does take us to some dark places, but please know that good help is out there and you deserve that help :)

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I can really relate to losing faith in the people who should be there to help but don't. More for a physical health issue than my mental health, but I did come close to calling it day consulting someone new because of those previous experiences. Fortunately I didn't, I managed to push forward as you have...because I finally saw a  consultant who correctly diagnosed/helped me.

Please try and draw a line in the sand with this...go into being under the care of the new team with an open mind they will help you. As Gemma's said, you deserve this help...give 'em a chance to prove themselves.

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So sorry ? you're in such a dark place. Please don't give up hope. I was feeling suicidal last Christmas. It took a while to get through that particular episode bit it did improve. I still suffer though and have for years and I have empathy when you say you've lost hope in the therapists. I have too tbh and it'sso tiring keep fighting all the distress but we are all here to support you and each other. Please don't give in. Please keep fighting back? only a fellow sufferer really gets it. You can be the best therapist in the world but you will never quite get it is my opinion unless you've lived it x

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Thanks for all support, tbh i dont know how long proper treatment starts, i really am at my end. 

People say its selfish to kill your self but is it really,everyday feeling vile, filled with shame and guilt, feeling like a faud year after year after year. 

Doesnt seem selfish to want to stop the mental torment once and for all

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Hmm, is suicide selfish. If there's a way to live with or overcome a situation/condition, however hard it is to do, then yes....personally I think it is. I honestly believe however long someone's suffered or the severity of the OCD...they can progress and regain a better quality of life. I really believe that. You calling it a day would cause immeasurable pain and torment to your family and friends for the rest of their lives. Every day they'd be haunted by the thought they should have done more. You can't want that for them.

How about giving the treatment team a call explaining how much you need help, and ask them roughly what sort of time frame you're looking at before they provide it?

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I feel i dont deserve to be, its always the same,i have sexual fantasies then feel guilt and suicidle feeling ive cheated, i feel like a pig man but still do it when it lifts

Absolutely vile, i even breifly entertained thoughts about my adult stepsons ex partnner, what sort of disgusting person does that, everyone would be better if im gone, always sex on the brain, so so sick of t

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I am a disgusting pervert. 

Sorry to share this but i imagined i was doing stuff to myself and my stepsons ex saw me and just couldnt resist so she joined in, it was a passing thought. 

See i am disgusting and vile, normal people dont think things like that

Im a vile freak,and i hate it

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2 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Sorry for sharing that, didnt mean to disgust, back at square one,i know people will be thinking can he really not sort himself out, same old same old

Hi @Nolightleft

I'm sure people will not think that. 

I don't think my words will change how you feel but I wanted to reply anyways.

Firstly, I'm really sorry you are in such huge pain! I understand how awful it must feel when it seems impossible to move on - it's hell on Earth, I swear! But you have to move on from this. I know it's hypocritical coming from me since I'm struggling myself with the same thing, but moving on and getting better is possible, can and must be done. 

Secondly, you have to stop calling yourself names. Telling yourself that you are disgusting and evil makes the pain even worse. You are not disgusting! You are not evil! 

3 hours ago, Hal said:

How about giving the treatment team a call explaining how much you need help, and ask them roughly what sort of time frame you're looking at before they provide it?

I agree with Hal. I think this is the best plan at the moment in terms of treatment. You are clearly struggling very much and they have to know that. 

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You've called yourself a pig, a pervert, vile, disgusting and a freak, and that's just within a few hours on the forum. If you're saying all those things to yourself 24/7 it must be so wearing and ultimately doing you a lot of harm. You must stop punishing yourself with this type of self-talk. You wouldn't dream of saying those things to someone else struggling...try to start changing the internal dialogue towards something much more compassionate and kind.

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1 minute ago, Cora said:

Hi @Nolightleft

Secondly, you have to stop calling yourself names. Telling yourself that you are disgusting and evil makes the pain even worse. You are not disgusting! You are not evil! 

Great minds think alike, we posted simultaneously:)Please Nolight, it's important to take on board what Cora and I are saying.

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I'm really sorry for all the struggle you go through. The more I read from you, the more it breaks my heart, of how deeply affected you are by OCD. 

All the things you feel bad for, are things I haven't even considered people could have OCD themes about. Without trying to sound rude, it's very obvious that the guilt and shame you feel for all this stuff has absolutely no fundamental basis. That's a clear thing to everyone, except for you. It's 100% OCD infused guilt and shame, by OCD overexaggerating these fantasies' relevance in terms of your values and sexual morals. Given that you feel otherwise, this makes it very clear, that there is not one rational explanation, that will help you to get out of this hell.  

I actually wrote a big fat essay initially by giving you some kind of explanation of why humans get easily aroused by taboo topics, such as cheating, slutty behavior etc., but I stopped, after I gave it another thought. I think this won't help you at all. The OCD goggles you're right now wearing simply won't allow that, and I'm pretty sure that tons of people already explained everything to you.
Explanations are never the good way. True, sometimes people need some kind of initial reassurance, if the matter isn't very clear to them, due to a false education or puritan religious upbringing. But just once one would require this clarification and explanation that everything is alright with them, to be able to move on from that. But that's not the case if you have OCD.
If you do have OCD, then the very opposite happens: OCD induced compulsions tends to go more and more into the detail of everything. In your case, this will just create more and more room and opportunity to rumination about everything and lets you fall deeper and deeper into this dark abyss, you're already very deep in.

Your logic simply doesn't work as it supposed to, once OCD has its grip on you. OCD went let you do that. OCD made you blind. 

And you REALLY need to understand this. You need to accept, that you can't think clearly. You need to trust us and the people, who are there to help and explain to you, that all the reasons and events you feel guilty for, or you're ashamed by, is just because of OCD. If you give us and your therapist this initial trust, you'll be able to work on that. I know, it's hard to accept, but it's the truth. Trust us.

Right now it seems to me, as if you haven't accepted, that everything is just OCD. You're like a heroin addict, who doesn't believe that he is a heroin addict. There is no way to beat heroin addiction, if it isn't even realized by the addict itself. If the addict doesn't actively seek for help and do proper therapy. You don't even need to accept this "by feeling". I get that you'll still doubt everything everyone tells you regarding this and that you are confident, that there might be something different in your case. That's how it is for everyone. That's why people can't beat OCD. If we were able to do accept OCD immediately for what it is, nobody here would post on this forum. OCD always feels real. That's why OCD is so hard to beat by yourself. I really doubt that even one person was able to beat OCD, without any kind of help from someone else, like not even a book. It's impossible. 

And because of that, you must trust us, when we say to you, that you should NOT believe your inner feelings and that your shame and guilt isn't any evidence, that you're in fact some perverted guy. The only thing these feelings tell US, as spectators, is that you clearly suffer heavily from OCD. You need to understand this, even if you don't believe it yet. Just understanding it. 
You need to swallow the pill, no matter how unrealistic or false it seems for you. No matter the emotions you go through. Just keep swallowing the red pill. The effects won't show immediately, and it will take time, to get back on track, but you need to give us your trust in this one. 

If you're ready to see that and be able to accept it, only then you can work on stopping the compulsions and slowly, but surely taking off the OCD goggles this way. 

I wish you the very best, and please hang by. Whenever you are at your wits' end: Please, remember, that we are always here for you and that we will always try to get you through all of this. Okay? 

Keep it going, buddy, and feel sincerely hugged!

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9 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

I am a disgusting pervert. 

Sorry to share this but i imagined i was doing stuff to myself and my stepsons ex saw me and just couldnt resist so she joined in, it was a passing thought. 

See i am disgusting and vile, normal people dont think things like that

Im a vile freak,and i hate it

Having sexual fantasies about your adult stepson's ex doesn't mean you're a freak or vile or a cheat. Give yourself a break. You're not evil you're just suffering from a mental health condition 

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Your kind words and time mean so much,crying,although i feel ill never deserve it.

I used to hang around with 20 year olds when i was nine who got me on drugs, they thought it was funny, all through my teens i was high. 

When i was 17 i had a dark sexual fantasy,in my 20s i rememberd i had this fantasy and had the biggest break down you could imagine. 

I told my last therapist who i was worried would ring the police but she stood up and shook my hand and said ive given myself a life sentence for a drug induced fantasy and she could see i was a good man

Im 43 now and feel guilt for anything sexual, when im not in the throws of hell i can see a fantasy for what it is untlil the demons come knocking. 

My new the therapist clearly said its obvious, im diagnosed with ocd

She is going to do exposure response therapy followed with act,she said it will be hard and will i be able to go into the fantasies, that scares me because if i do it will be betraying my wife. 

I just want to turn the lights out and stop feeling like a monster

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