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Desperate advice needed re what if thoughts


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Hello.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this for. I’m trying I’m really trying. 
 

I woke up and picked my baby up today from the cot, said good morning and also gave him a feed. I also put him to sleep and he stayed in my arms for a good hour or so - it was a wonderful beautiful feeling - I love him so dearly. 
 

That being said, last night we decided to give him some solid food for dinner, I fed and husband held him in his lap. I’m about to give baby his first spoon but I get worried and anxious about the possibility of my hand or arm touching his nappy area (just the area itself). Bear in mind, I have the jar of food in my left and and the spoon in my right hand. So, I take the spoon with the food on high up in the air and make a train noise pretending the food is coming on the train to baby’s mouth.
I’m well aware of the compulsion I’m doing here, sticking the spoon high up in the air ect.

Anyway first spoon is given and I move onto the next. I’m also at the same time so anxious about this current obsession that I start ruminating about something I was worried about from the other day and I start talking to myself In my mind saying something along the lines of ‘it’s not like you sit there wanting to touch your baby and saying I want to touch the baby’. Again aware this is a compulsion. So, at the same time I notice something near the side of my hand - I’m not sure what whether it was the position of my hand a sensation a touch I just don’t know - but I get worried and anxious and that’s it my mind races and ocd continues to take over. How do I drop this and leave it? I don’t have any desire or bad motive I was just feeding my baby. So do I need to look for answers ? I feel guilty that I can’t remember why my hand touched the baby - what if I did this on purpose? I can’t recall doing it on purpose but what if the side of my hand touched him on purpose - again I can’t recall it but what if ? I don’t and would never ever have any bad motives or intention but why did this have to happen. All I’m trying to do is feed my boy. I’m trying to be so cautious and it I still manage to mess it all up.  I also feel like this damn ocd distorts reality and I don’t even know what the truth is anymore - all I know is I’m not a bad person and have no ill intention towards my baby so why am I searching for answers ? Can someone please help me I don’t know what to do. At no point did I think I want to touch baby and then brush the side of my hand against him - that’s ludicrous- not even bad people would do that with their hands occupied - am I going insane ? 

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8 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

Am I going insane ? 

No :no: but it's the question and fear that most OCD sufferers have had at the height of suffering

Throughout your post you have demonstrated an understanding of all of the compulsions you're doing, the rumination you're doing, your love for your baby and that it us OCD that is the cause.  That's good :)

What's troubling you is that the fear feels just as strong despite that.  I've said many times, IT WILL.  It's something you have to work through without doing the compulsions.  COMPULSIONS MAKE YOUR OCD WORSE.  Everytime you use them you are training your brain to believe there us a real fear, a danger, something that needs attention.

I talked in your other thread about doing some very specific, short tasks where you resolve to do no compulsions whatever whilst caring for your baby.  How's about trying it?  :)

18 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

He stayed in my arms for a good hour or so - it was a wonderful beautiful feeling - I love him so dearly. 

That's brilliant and that's how it's meant to be.  Your little boy deserves his Mummy being able to be like this......there's no better incentive

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I am trying I’m really trying. For example if I’m holding the baby and realise my hand is on his bottom (naturally) then I won’t move it and will let the uncomfortable feeling pass.

It is just one thing after another now and I can’t take it.

I am playing with him having so much fun and then my foot hits the playmat, I get worried and anxious about my foot and start paying attention to my foot, what it touches what it does ect. Then I get scared I touched baby. This disappears I don’t give it any thought. Then, about an hour later my husband changes the baby’s nappy on the floor using a floor mat and I’m standing next to baby and him. Conversation goes something along the lines of this - husband says ‘oh no’ I say to him ‘has he done it’ he says ‘I’m not sure but I can see his nappy there’ (meaning his nappy has become undone on the corner). 
I then remember my fear of foot touching baby’s nappy area and I walk away however as walking away the thoughts come rushing in ‘what if you touched his nappy area with your foot’ / what if you wriggled your toe on his nappy area’ ect ect. I just can’t remember what happened I’m sure I walked away but these thoughts are too overpowering. It’s making me feel dizzy and lightheaded even writing this out because it’s so anxiety provoking - I can’t take it. My husband was there at all times and was actually changing his nappy - he says I didn’t do anything of the sort but I can’t remember and I’m scared. Why am I doubting myself - I can’t take it anymore. 

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Yes, you can take it, you will take it and you will get beyond it if you keep working at the compulsions.  I can see that you're really trying and that's exactly what you need to do.  I can also still see lot's of compulsions and a lot of rumination going on that upholds the worries.  This is all very understandable, it's not as simple as just shrugging these fears off, it's not that simple and it is very distressing and frightening......but you will cope.  

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Hello. 


I had an awful evening last night and the day has started badly too - each time I go near the baby the thoughts start ‘what IF I touched baby/ inappropriately. Examples are below.

Husband changing nappy - ‘What IF my foot touched baby’s nappy area’.

Saying goodnight to baby - ‘What IF my hand touched baby’s nappy area’

Going downstairs with baby, husband holding baby on his shoulder and he turns around to ask me a question - so babys bottom is facing me - ‘Oh no what IF I touched baby’s bottom’. 
 

How are we supposed to deal with these because the sheer thought is really really anxiety provoking - it sends me into a dark place, I have a panic attack and cannot seem to function or focus as it’s just too distressing for me. Any advice is welcomed, please. Has anyone had experience of the same?
 

 

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Have a read through your other threads or more importantly a think about all we've talked about.  We've given quite a lot of explanations and you have to be careful that this isn't straying more into a need for reassurance rather than information.  Try and do some practising today at riding these flashes of panic :)

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Hey - it wasn’t re assurance it was information seeking as I’m struggling - I wanted a reminder but I’ll definitely have a look at the other threads - you have indeed given me so much info so I’m sure I can get my answer by looking through the other threads, thanks caramoole :) 

That being said - I would like to rant as I’m so fed up. 

I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t do anything normal with my baby. It’s too painful and I’m suffering too much. 

I try to join his dad and tickle him before bath time as it’s the first time I have discovered he is ticklish. His dad is undressing and tickling him at the same times. My sister tells me to make a video of him laughing so I do just that. Whilst making the video I thought maybe I can actually join in and tickle him because at least then I’ll have proof I didn’t do anything wrong when I worry about it as I can refer back to the video.
Anyway I do tickle him it’s cute and then I move my hand off him but as I’m moving it I move it really quickly as I’m scared and then I get scared my hand may have grazed his nappy area or touched it. It’s really really distressing that’s the last thing I wanted. I’ll have to watch the video to double check now but when I watched it last I couldn’t clearly see. I can’t do this anymore it’s too frustrating.  

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12 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

Hey - it wasn’t re assurance it was information seeking as I’m struggling - I wanted a reminder but I’ll definitely have a look at the other threads - you have indeed given me so much info so I’m sure I can get my answer by looking through the other threads, thanks caramoole :) 

Reassurance seeking is very sneaky, we might think that we're asking for information but in reality, the information is all there but because we still feel awful we feel the need to ask again just to make us feel better or in the hope that someone will say something that will "click" and make this thing stop.  It's not a criticism because we've all done exactly the same :)

16 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

 

Whilst making the video I thought maybe I can actually join in and tickle him because at least then I’ll have proof I didn’t do anything wrong when I worry about it as I can refer back to the video.
 

:no: This really isn't a good idea.  It's a perfect example of a compulsion to use in the vain attempt to reassure & convince ourselves......it won't help but will just tie you into an endless loop of control measures that ensure that you can't interact with your Son normally.  It ultimately has the opposite outcome to the one you're hoping to achieve

Quote

have to watch the video to double check now but when I watched it last I couldn’t clearly see. 

  Perfect example!  Already you are doubting your own evidence and you'll end up checking & checking.  Then you'll decide you need to take another video that gets a better shot.  That won't be good enough so you get your Sister to take one......and that won't satisfy you and so it goes on and on :(

You need to work on these compulsions.  I can't stress enough how important this is in order for you to get well.  Each day try and do some specific challenges WITHOUT following them through with a compulsion.  They can be small challenges but you have to sit with the anxiety without doing anything to control it and let the anxiety fall.

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I understand what you’re saying - it’s hard to apply at times but I’ll try 

@Caramoole why do I keep getting these what if thoughts - I can’t walk past the baby without thinking ‘what if I touched his nappy area’ and then it I start ruminating, asking for reassurance ect ect. Whenever I’ve walked past the baby or been close to him today I have had the same what if thought - logic would tell you that I’d realise that these are the thoughts repeating themselves but I don’t and then I get back into bed ruminate ect and feel like I’ve done an awful thing. 
I have a therapy session tonight and another assessment with the perinatal team tomorrow. 

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Because you don't stop the compulsions. That's the reason. There is no other magical reason. As long as you don't stop going to this forum, posting about every single event, asking for reassurance, asking for why and so on, you'll not be able to get better. I'm sorry, but this isn't about finding a logical answer. This is about getting OCD to be quiet.

Why don't you give it a try? 

Look, the next time you experience another moment/event/intrusive thought, you just watch the newest episode of your favorite series. Just give it a try and let us knw, how it went. 

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The issue is the thought is distressing. If I’m playing with my boy whilst he’s on his dads shoulder facing me and I get a thought ‘what if I touched his nappy area’ as in what if I did then I can’t ignore that. I need to make sure I didn’t do it because it is WRONG and DISTRESSING I can’t just ignore it - that’s the issue. 
I have been around him about 5 times today and whenever I’m in close enough proximity it’s the same damn thought. Then the damn same cycle starts and it’s too much. Why is this think bullying me - I don’t get it. I can’t do anything normal with my boy - all I was trying to do is play and talk to him whilst he was on his dads shoulder staring at his mum wondering why she’s not picking him up - it’s cruel 

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1 minute ago, Ma29 said:

I need to make sure I didn’t do it because it is WRONG and DISTRESSING I can’t just ignore it - that’s the issue. 

But that's exactly the point we've been making, Ma. Not only CAN you ignore it, you MUST learn to ignore it.

Every time you have a thought that it's wrong and you react instead of ignoring it, you're sticking a big red flag on the thought, telling your brain the danger is real and reinforcing the feeling it shouldn't be ignored.

The thought remains distressing because you won't ignore it! So the next time you get a thought like that you feel you shouldn't ignore it, you react with compulsions galore, and off you go round the distress cycle again, and again.

You MUST trust that it's the RIGHT THING TO DO to ignore the thoughts. It's ok to ignore the distressed feelings and not react to them.

Break the cycle and you'll gradually feel more and more able to ignore it.

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Snowbear is spot on.

You say you MUST know that you didn't do something wrong. I guarantee you that you will not find the answer by doing compulsions.

I've been here about 7 years. Not once, not ever, has a sufferer come here and told us they finally did enough compulsions to find the answer they've been seeking.

Peace will only come when you stop searching. 

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1 hour ago, Ma29 said:

The issue is the thought is distressing. If I’m playing with my boy whilst he’s on his dads shoulder facing me and I get a thought ‘what if I touched his nappy area’ as in what if I did then I can’t ignore that. I need to make sure I didn’t do it because it is WRONG and DISTRESSING I can’t just ignore it - that’s the issue.

The real issue is that as yet, you don't fully understand or accept what OCD actually is and are taking the feelings and thoughts at face value.  Hasn't your therapist discussed this with you and explained OCD?

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