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Home life is aiding in the delay for recovery


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Hi everybody, I just wanted to get some things off my chest and some opinions as to me my home life is normal. But the more I speak about it people say ‘no wonder why I have OCD’ - including my therapist. 
 

My mum is a very angry person and has always been that way. I’ve always felt like I’ve walked on egg shells around her for as long as I can remember and I get extremely anxious even when I hear her walking up the stairs because she screams every day for hours and hours (sometimes it can go on past midnight and so on) it will always be over very minor things, she wants the house looking perfect for when she gets home from work or shopping or her friends house, but as you know when your suffering from OCD/Depression it takes all of the energy out of you :(, if it’s not done up to her standards she’ll say ‘what have you actually done then’ and scream for hours and hours on end about my ‘laziness’ and ‘what do I actually do that’s useful’ 
 

My emotions are never valid to her either, she says ‘you seem absolutely fine to me there’s nothing wrong with you…. I saw you laughing at the telly upstairs…’ ?it’s like my mum sees her emotions as competitive and that she’s worse and had it worse then I have, completely disregarding mine all of the time. She’s never apologised either, I didn’t even know parents apologise to their children after screaming at them for no particular reason, I’ll be sitting downstairs quietly and she’ll join me to criticise and scream and then play the victim - can you see where the walking on egg shells comes from :( 

 

It’s very difficult as I’m only 19 but I’m being made to feel like a child. She doesn’t treat my brother this way, only me. She knows I rely on her a lot, we live in a very small village so there’s no public transport, I’ll need her for lifts to get to places otherwise I’m isolated. I have no money due to not working because of my OCD, I’m scared to start driving because of my OCD. I do want to get better and getting out of this extremely toxic household would make my life so much better and that’s what’s keeping me going. Ever since I was a child she’s always offloaded her problems onto me and screamed when I didn’t understand (I’d be 14/15) giving her advice about relationships? I love her so much but now I look back I don’t know if its partly emotional abuse. My Dad left last year because he couldn’t handle it anymore. I feel trapped like I have nowhere to run and she makes me feel like I’m nothing without her or I can’t do anything without her :( my therapist is helping me massively with this but I feel like now I dig deeper I’m actually scarred with my home life. I feel a strong sense of protecting people because of how my mum was ….

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Oh Summer, my friend. <hug> Nothing about your home life is normal or okay. Your mom is, I'm sorry to say, extremely abusive, so abusive that your dad took off, and you (the one who should be protected and cherished by your parents) are in the role of having to bear the entire burden and still feel like you're not doing enough. I'm so incredibly sorry.

As hard as this is to accept, and as painful as it is, realize it means one thing: you are strong as hell. You can overcome anything. The OCD? It sucks, but it's nowhere near as bad as what you've had to handle your entire life. And you're only 19--you have your entire life ahead of you to find your "chosen family", as they call it, and I promise that there are many, many people out there who will treat you with love, respect and care.

As to whether or not your OCD "comes from" your home life, I don't know--I suspect that at the least, it magnifies and worsens it greatly. I'm so glad you have such a wonderful therapist, and it sounds like the best way for you to reach the goal of leaving your family's toxic household is to gain more independence, which means learning to drive, being able to hold down a job, etc (with the job thing: any way you could work remotely or do something online, at least for the moment?). I wonder if your therapist also might have any ideas of resources you might tap into or ideas of how you could take steps to become independent? Even being able to save up some money might be a great first step!

 

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11 minutes ago, Saffron37 said:

Oh Summer, my friend. <hug> Nothing about your home life is normal or okay. Your mom is, I'm sorry to say, extremely abusive, so abusive that your dad took off, and you (the one who should be protected and cherished by your parents) are in the role of having to bear the entire burden and still feel like you're not doing enough. I'm so incredibly sorry.

As hard as this is to accept, and as painful as it is, realize it means one thing: you are strong as hell. You can overcome anything. The OCD? It sucks, but it's nowhere near as bad as what you've had to handle your entire life. And you're only 19--you have your entire life ahead of you to find your "chosen family", as they call it, and I promise that there are many, many people out there who will treat you with love, respect and care.

As to whether or not your OCD "comes from" your home life, I don't know--I suspect that at the least, it magnifies and worsens it greatly. I'm so glad you have such a wonderful therapist, and it sounds like the best way for you to reach the goal of leaving your family's toxic household is to gain more independence, which means learning to drive, being able to hold down a job, etc (with the job thing: any way you could work remotely or do something online, at least for the moment?). I wonder if your therapist also might have any ideas of resources you might tap into or ideas of how you could take steps to become independent? Even being able to save up some money might be a great first step!

 

Thank you so much for your kind reply Saffron? life can be really difficult at home, I’m not the perfect daughter but I feel like I’m an awful person all the time and I don’t do enough to help her. Realistically I’m ill myself and I struggle finding energy in a lot of things, I guess why that seems like I’m being lazy but I’m really far from if I work so hard especially at my job etc. I think now it’s taught me that I don’t like to make people upset so I treat them overly amazing even if there treating me badly which I know is something I need to get out of. She’s been through a lot in her life so maybe it might be that and my Nan (her mother is very similar.) I just feel like without my mum I wouldn’t be nothing as she’s my comfort even though she isn’t very comforting. 
 

I know she loves us but the way she behaves is unexceptable. I remember being 14 and struggling with intrusive thoughts so I’d lay with her because I was terrified of them and I didn’t know what ocd was. She’d shout at me and talk about her problems when I was trying to tell her what was wrong (almost like mine are worse then yours) I love her to pieces but in a way I’d really like her to get help without coming across as mean. I did mention borderline personality disorder to her and she took it extremely offensively and that she’s just reacting like any normal parent to things I do :( but thank you for your reply Saffron I have so many things I want to achieve in life :) 

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I agree with Saffron that this is a very abusive relationship and one you shouldn't have to live with.  I'm not a Psychiatrist but would hazard a guess that your home life probably is causal of your OCD.  OCD often starts stemming from stress and anxiety and the behaviours/compulsions a way of getting some sort of control.  It must be very difficult at 19 with no independent financial means.  What about your Dad?  Is he supportive of you? Or maybe Grandparents on his side?

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53 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

I agree with Saffron that this is a very abusive relationship and one you shouldn't have to live with.  I'm not a Psychiatrist but would hazard a guess that your home life probably is causal of your OCD.  OCD often starts stemming from stress and anxiety and the behaviours/compulsions a way of getting some sort of control.  It must be very difficult at 19 with no independent financial means.  What about your Dad?  Is he supportive of you? Or maybe Grandparents on his side?

Sometimes it can be okay and when it’s okay it’s nice and I want it to stay that way so I don’t confront her about what’s going on :( I do think maybe it’s because she has mental health issues of her own perhaps as she has been through a lot in life and had me at a young age too, so she’s grown up with me. As for my dad he didn’t really treat my mum very good, I think he just fell out of love with her but she always used to cry that he’d give her no attention. However he is a lot more calmer and doesn’t really look for trouble, when there is trouble he just walks out of the situation. My grandparents however is probably where my mum got it from, I love my Nan but she’s very similar, however I do think perhaps my mum has undiagnosed BPD as she shows so many signs of it xx

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It really is like her personality and mood changes so quickly, how would I be able to get her to go to the doctors without it coming across ‘offensively’ as I do really believe help would benefit her massively. As I said she shows so many Signs of BPD which is really difficult to deal with sometimes especially when I have mental health issues myself. 

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