“The Spike”

[thistooshallpass1996]

Hi, 

hope you’re all doing okay? I haven’t a posted in a while because I’ve been doing really well. Just had a bit of a bad week though and I’m trying not to cry while I write this. 

does anyone else get thoughts from the past just randomly pop back up?? I had this thought I did something terrible and I managed to see it as an OCD thought but I feel like every now and again the same thought comes back to haunt me and comes back worse than before. It causes so much anxiety, it’s like I’ve just stood on something sharp so that’s why I call these thoughts ‘spikes’. 
 

I won’t say exactly what it is but it’s a sexual topic. Worst thing imaginable. Things that are disgusting, wrong, stuff like that and just to put it into perspective I’m a woman in my mid 20’s. I keep going over it in my head and I’ve woke up this morning obsessing about it. I’ve even said to my therapist “if you think there’s a chance I could’ve done this I’d want you to report it” 

It feels more real each time, it’s scary 

The worst bit is I can never really know whether it happened or not. I don’t think I can live with the uncertainty anymore. I keep getting thoughts to just end my life because of it but I don’t actually want to do that so I feel like it’s coming from an OCD place in my head.

Any advice is appreciated 

 

Edited January 22, 2022 by thistooshallpass1996
Added info

[snowbear]

7 hours ago, thistooshallpass1996 said:

I managed to see it as an OCD thought

Great!

Stop there, no 'but... '

Not certain if it happened? Treat it as just an intrusive OCD thought. It's equally valid to shake it off as just OCD as it is to treat it as 'possibly real'.

When you get the urge to revisit it you make the decision whether to treat it as OCD and shrug it off or to search for certainty you can never have and get caught up in ruminating and misery. Your choice. Equally valid choices, not one right and one wrong.

Of course I'm not advocating you go the rumination route! Hopefully you'll take a step back and make a sensible choice - treat it as an OCD thought and leave it alone.

[Jan111]

Hey, @thistooshallpass1996 this is me to a T!!!

I can do fine for a year and not even be bothered by the thought and then wham! Out of nowhere it consumes me again. Do you take antidepressants?

[PolarBear]

The problem is not the thought. It's that you took it seriously and gave it energy by doing compulsions.

You say the thought is coming stronger. And probably more frequently. You likely wrongly interpret that to mean there must be truth to the thought. Nope. The reason the thought is coming stronger and more frequently is because you tske it seriously and do compulsions. It's that simple.

[thistooshallpass1996]

@PolarBear

hi, Thanks for the reply. 
 

Yes it’s 100% how I’m reacting to it which I’m trying to work on. I’ll take what you’ve said on board thank you 

 

[thistooshallpass1996]

@snowbear

hi, 

thank you for the reply. 
 

I really appreciate your advice, I’ll take all the help I can get right now. I’m also moving out for the first time with my boyfriend which I know is adding to the anxiety but sometimes it’s really hard to see them as just thoughts. But I’m trying

@Jan111

hi! 
 

Im glad it’s not just me! It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one who feels like this sometimes.

yes, currently on 40mg fluoxetine and it definitely helps but the tiredness (and weight gain) is getting extreme. But I’m moving out for the first time and I don’t know if it’s the right time to try coming off them. 

I know some people are on fluoxetine which works really well and actually gives them more energy but not me. I think it’s trial and error most of the time but if you have any suggestions on any alternatives feel free to let me know