Let's show ourselves some empathy

[MarieJo]

After suffering from OCD most of my life, I first had symptoms at around 10 and am now in my late 40, I have been in some pretty low places at times. 

I used to genuinely feel like a freak. I thought I was the only person in the whole world to have these intrusive and upsetting thoughts. I conceded I was weird, perverse, evil, mad and bad. I just did not understand what was going on.

Through the power of the Internet and after a very dark episode I googled away and found this disorder explained. OCD. It was like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I recognised myself immediately as having this disorder. I had suffered with harm OCD, magical thinking, POCD, health anxiety, relationship OCD the lot.

I had once imagined I hurt/killed someone and convinced myself it was real when she didn't come into work. Then the next day was so relieved when she came in and all was normal. What the hell was going on?

I imagined pushing someone under a train, opening a car door at speed and jumping out, dropping my baby on the floor on purpose, throwing the buggy over the edge into the water, I couldn't send a letter without opening it 10 times to check I hadn't written something bad. I used to say rhymes in my head to neutralise bad thoughts. I was ruminating about things for days on end. The list is endless.

I now suffer with anxiety when my kids go out. I love them so much and would not want to live without them. My anxiety just shifted to their safety after they were born. I still live with fear of many things and I hate uncertainty but accept it's part of life.

I just wanted to say that what has helped me the most on my journey, much more than meds or cbt is arming myself with knowledge and feeling more empowered. I feel like I belong to a community now. I have observed that ocd sufferers are very empathic people and very intelligent people. Ocd sufferers are sensitive and kind, we are deep and loving. This is why we suffer. I feel we suffer because we are GOOD people and not bad people.

So much empathy and understanding is shown on these threads from ocd sufferers to fellow ocd sufferers but we almost all fail to show the same acceptance, kindness and understanding to ourselves.

Let's try to love ourselves and accept ourselves. Let's try to forgive ourselves for after all it's not been easy has it x

 

[Summer9173]

3 minutes ago, MarieJo said:

I thought I was the only person in the whole world to have these intrusive and upsetting thoughts. I conceded I was weird, perverse, evil, mad and bad.

I remember getting my first set of intrusive thoughts when I was 14 too  I was in school so you can imagine I thought the worst like I was a freak etc, even when I did research back in the day the worst thing I did was go on Reddit and Quora as they didn’t mention OCD at all, just people agreeing that it was strange because they didn’t actually know what it was. I don’t think there was even much awareness on OCD back then either!! 
 

I’m so sorry you used to feel like a ‘freak’ too, it makes me so sad hearing that OCD can do this to a person  just because intrusive thoughts can be on taboo subjects. 
 

6 minutes ago, MarieJo said:

I imagined pushing someone under a train, opening a car door at speed and jumping out,

Even my therapist said she gets these type of thoughts at the train station, I feel like everybody does but of course with OCD, it plays on these type of thoughts where people would usually just shrug it off and forget about it. 

 

8 minutes ago, MarieJo said:

ocd sufferers are very empathic

 

8 minutes ago, MarieJo said:

Ocd sufferers are sensitive and kind, we are deep and loving. This is why we suffer

I could agree with this more ^^  I’ve spoken to some of the most loveliest, most kindest people on this forum who I can genuinely say has helped me more then any therapist/doctor  I feel like it’s because we’re so understanding as OCD is such a horrible disease, i call it The bully in my brain. I love this post though it’s so important to remember to be kind and not feel guilty/embarrassed over our intrusive thoughts. My goal is to one day be open about it with everybody in my life  

[_cashewnutsandraisins]

Excellent thread @MarieJo - thank you.

Like you, I stumbled across what was happening with me googling the internet during a particularly dark phase of OCD. Looking back over my life, I see now how much of it was shaped by my OCD - not that I ever knew it at the time. It’s something I think I am only starting now to fully understand the weight of, and process the grief.

Certainly, one of the bright points has been finding this community and I’m forever grateful to all who have helped me.

[Ma29]

Hi @MarieJo

Thanks for sharing - I’m glad you have come out of the worst of it albeit I’m sure it’s still hard for you. I hope I can be where you are one day writing such a post. I am suffering, have been for the last 6 weeks with severe ocd - right now the theme is pocd. My boy is 4 months and I’ve not held him all weekend. 

[MarieJo]

Thanks all for the lovely responses. I just feel so grateful for this community and the understanding and support shown. It brought me back from the edge in December 2020 and I am constantly learning and understanding this cruel disorder all the time and learning to finally understand it and to love myself for the first time.

13 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

Hi @MarieJo

Thanks for sharing - I’m glad you have come out of the worst of it albeit I’m sure it’s still hard for you. I hope I can be where you are one day writing such a post. I am suffering, have been for the last 6 weeks with severe ocd - right now the theme is pocd. My boy is 4 months and I’ve not held him all weekend. 

So sorry you're in such a dark place. When my first child was born 19 years ago my anxiety went through the roof. I had the most horrific harm OCD.

OCD always gets worse when we're stressed and having a new baby is a very emotional, stressful and challenging time, as well as being a wonderful time too of course. Try to be kind to yourself and remind yourself it is a disorder, you are not a bad person, these thoughts do not define you and also remember that you are not alone.

It will get better. I promise. My advice would be, as hard as it is, to carry on holding him. Do not give in to OCD. Your baby needs a hug. You are a good mum, he is safe. It's the liar and bully that is ocd and you must not let the bully win x

Edited January 23, 2022 by MarieJo

[northpaul]

50 minutes ago, MarieJo said:

So much empathy and understanding is shown on these threads from ocd sufferers to fellow ocd sufferers but we almost all fail to show the same acceptance, kindness and understanding to ourselves.

 

Thankyou MarieJo for this post.  Looking outwards in these forums has helped me.  I know I can come on here to give and take help.

Yes, be kind to ourselves.  I like that thought 

[Ch84]

Thankyou MarieJo , that was excellently written. I’m 37 now and your story is so similar to mine.  It took me to having to google my symptoms 3 years ago after a terrible episode ,I’m glad I did.
 

 The relief in knowing I wasn’t alone. This started  when I was 13 constantly hand washing, then showering 4 times a day to cleanse myself of any disturbing thoughts.  My brain has been ambushed over the years with Magical Thinking,  relationship OCD, sexuality OCD, POCD, hygiene OCD. Imagining things that haven’t happened, like running an animal over and going back to check. Thinking of pushing people I love into the road. I’ve had 2 bouts of therapy now and had a relapse in between.  I’ve been ruminating a lot recently, I find this website helpful and have started reading the forums more. Not to much though! Reassurance searching isn’t the way forward!  Your piece really stood out and resonated with me.So Thank you for your kind words.

[Caramoole]

I'm going to play Devil's advocate here  and point out that OCD can occur in anyone, good or bad because it's an anxiety disorder.  Most people are lovely types but that's because in life there are generally mor nice people than not.  

It is lovely to be able to share in a safe community but don't settle for the label "OCD sufferer".  You are suffering at the moment but can claim a life back where you don't live with the torment all the time.  I believe (but don't know for certain) that in childhood most of these problems occur through trying to control fearful thoughts and anxiety with compulsions....."I'm scared something will happen to Mum & Dad" but if I do "This" ritual it will keep them safe.  Trends are set without the sufferer knowing why they've set them other than the belief it might make things safe.

Try not to settle for the "OCD Sufferer" label.........yes, it's great to find we're not alone but share that journey with empathy, support and belief you can recover and handle this.  That things can get better

[Saffron37]

Totally agree that all types of people, lovely or otherwise, get OCD! Like @Caramoole said, it's an anxiety disorder. That being said, I've definitely noticed that in a lot of already-kind people, suffering like OCD makes you suffer seems to bring out a great well of compassion and empathy. The really cool thing is that the positive changes remain but the suffering is temporary--once all of us have chucked the OCD, we're still going to have the knowledge and wisdom we gained in the experience. I in no way want to romanticize the agony of OCD, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but wanted to offer a perspective that sometimes gives me hope and motivation to keep going.

Hoping all of you are enjoying your weeks  

[Lewis96]

3 minutes ago, Saffron37 said:

Totally agree that all types of people, lovely or otherwise, get OCD! Like @Caramoole said, it's an anxiety disorder. That being said, I've definitely noticed that in a lot of already-kind people, suffering like OCD makes you suffer seems to bring out a great well of compassion and empathy. The really cool thing is that the positive changes remain but the suffering is temporary--once all of us have chucked the OCD, we're still going to have the knowledge and wisdom we gained in the experience. I in no way want to romanticize the agony of OCD, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but wanted to offer a perspective that sometimes gives me hope and motivation to keep going.

Hoping all of you are enjoying your weeks  

What a really great post