False Memory OCD?

[Nora]

Hi guys, I need some advice about false memory OCD! I think I’ve had this kind of thing before, but this time it is really distressing me. I am in a very happy and loving relationship and I was at a party a few weeks ago and had what I believe was a short chat with this guy. For some reason I woke up and the idea popped into my head that I had been inappropriate in some way (flirty or something). I messaged him and he said that wasn’t the case and I’ve heard that he is actually apparently sometimes inappropriate with girls in general, and my boyfriend says that he’s sure that is what happened. But I just can’t stop thinking and worrying and trying to figure out whether I have done something wrong!! Is this false memory ocd? And what do I do?! Would really appreciate any advice

[Lewis96]

2 hours ago, Nora said:

Hi guys, I need some advice about false memory OCD! I think I’ve had this kind of thing before, but this time it is really distressing me. I am in a very happy and loving relationship and I was at a party a few weeks ago and had what I believe was a short chat with this guy. For some reason I woke up and the idea popped into my head that I had been inappropriate in some way (flirty or something). I messaged him and he said that wasn’t the case and I’ve heard that he is actually apparently sometimes inappropriate with girls in general, and my boyfriend says that he’s sure that is what happened. But I just can’t stop thinking and worrying and trying to figure out whether I have done something wrong!! Is this false memory ocd? And what do I do?! Would really appreciate any advice

Hi Nora,

 

This once happened to me, I had a vision after a party that I’d cheated on my then girlfriend. I told her straight away and she said there’s no way that happened, I then asked the girl who it was with and they also said that never happened. None of this helped me though, as I was adamant that it did happen. 
 

I think you’ve proven to yourself that it’s not real, it’s a false memory and shouldn’t be given any more time and thought. We get these feelings and memories because our biggest fears are cheating on someone we love etc. You’ve done nothing wrong (and even if it was real it’s hardly anything bad). Just take a deep breath and get on with your day, the feeling will pass

[PolarBear]

What you do is leave it alone. Stop looking for evidence. Treat it like the nonsense it is.

[Nora]

Thank you @Lewis96 and @PolarBear, both really helpful! But I just wanted to add that I am still struggling with this, mainly because I feel like moments of heightened happiness with my boyfriend are immediately followed by thoughts such as "You don't deserve this because of what you did" or "This won't last because of what you did". Any advice for how to deal with this as it is really getting me down

[determination987]

I did this a lot and still do sometimes but it’s getting easier. As soon as I feel some sort of happiness, I get a feeling of dread soon afterwards like I don’t deserve it. Then I’d think of all of the intrusive thoughts that have come before to check if that was why and the cycle would continue.

It’s hard but just acknowledging the feelings and letting them pass really does reduce the anxiety. For me, the anxiety rose at first and I’d check to see if it was still there but it does go down. The more I’m practicing it, the easier it becomes and I’m aware that when I’m tired and stressed that the thoughts feel more intense. Don’t reason with it, just leave it be.

I’ve read on here and elsewhere that saying ‘maybe yes, maybe not’ helps and stopping trying to find certainty over whether the memory is false, has meaning or anything else.

Thoughts are thoughts, they’re not facts and you deserve to be happy and to enjoy your life. 

[Lewis96]

15 hours ago, Nora said:

Thank you @Lewis96 and @PolarBear, both really helpful! But I just wanted to add that I am still struggling with this, mainly because I feel like moments of heightened happiness with my boyfriend are immediately followed by thoughts such as "You don't deserve this because of what you did" or "This won't last because of what you did". Any advice for how to deal with this as it is really getting me down

Have you spoke to your boyfriend at all about this? Like how you feel etc? Sometimes I feel speaking to the people we care most about really does help. If that’s not possible to do, then don’t worry about it! Sometimes you just need to think really deep about what you deserve, I know for a fact the majority of the people on this forum are some of the best most caring and king people in the world, everyone deserves to be happy, especially you. If you ever need someone to talk to you can always message me on this, sometimes it helps having others to share with

[Nora]

16 hours ago, determination987 said:

I did this a lot and still do sometimes but it’s getting easier. As soon as I feel some sort of happiness, I get a feeling of dread soon afterwards like I don’t deserve it. Then I’d think of all of the intrusive thoughts that have come before to check if that was why and the cycle would continue.

It’s hard but just acknowledging the feelings and letting them pass really does reduce the anxiety. For me, the anxiety rose at first and I’d check to see if it was still there but it does go down. The more I’m practicing it, the easier it becomes and I’m aware that when I’m tired and stressed that the thoughts feel more intense. Don’t reason with it, just leave it be.

I’ve read on here and elsewhere that saying ‘maybe yes, maybe not’ helps and stopping trying to find certainty over whether the memory is false, has meaning or anything else.

Thoughts are thoughts, they’re not facts and you deserve to be happy and to enjoy your life. 

Yeah that's exactly it! Or I wake up feeling okay and then remember that I have to worry about this and it feels like a dark cloud has come back over my day - it's so depressing! It's like worrying about worrying about it!

I just feel like I can't accept uncertainty about this for some reason. I keep questioning why it would be an intrusive thought about this situation, it makes me think it must be true! I just can't remember enough but can't accept the uncertainty so it makes it impossible! I just love my boyfriend so much and I just want to forget all about this silly worry.

Thank you for your advice

[Nora]

1 hour ago, Lewis96 said:

Have you spoke to your boyfriend at all about this? Like how you feel etc? Sometimes I feel speaking to the people we care most about really does help. If that’s not possible to do, then don’t worry about it! Sometimes you just need to think really deep about what you deserve, I know for a fact the majority of the people on this forum are some of the best most caring and king people in the world, everyone deserves to be happy, especially you. If you ever need someone to talk to you can always message me on this, sometimes it helps having others to share with

Hi Lewis, I mentioned something to him a couple of weeks ago about this specific situation - just that I felt like I had done something wrong, and then I said I think that the other guy had been flirty and that I hadn't stopped him immediately. He said that it was all okay and that I didn't need to keep worrying about it. I don't feel like I expressed it exactly properly to him, but I don't want to bring it up again. I've mentioned feeling like I don't deserve him before and he does comfort me so I don't feel like that for a while after we talk about it, but I guess it's always there under the surface.

This whole situation is just infuriating to me because I really don't think I even did anything and I definitely wouldn't have been seriously flirty with this guy anyway but my brain just won't let me leave it alone and it keeps casting a dark cloud over my happiness in my relationship! What do I do?!!!

[snowbear]

5 hours ago, Nora said:

my brain just won't let me leave it alone and it keeps casting a dark cloud over my happiness in my relationship! What do I do?!!!

Your brain won't let it go because you keep telling it not to! Every time you do a compulsion you send the message to your brain 'This is important, don't let me forget it, don't let it go.'

Every time you engage with the thought 'I don't deserve to be happy' (or it's equivalent) you're doing a compulsion. People typically don't see this as compulsive behaviour, but it is. It's compulsive reinforcing of the belief that you should feel bad/ have done wrong/ need to be punished/ shouldn't be allowed to 'get away with it' or any number of other thoughts you get around the topic of your obsession.

What you do is to let it go. Stop telling yourself you're unworthy. Stop trying to punish yourself by engaging with the kind of thoughts that bring on the dark cloud and make you feel bad.

Remember that you do this to yourself. Your brain only does what you tell it to do! So tell it something different and it will do something different.