I wish it would stop

[FlyingRocket]

I know I'm not meant to, but when I check using porn sometimes I get these pulse of feelings and it feels like I like it. I have two questions, why does this happen and does this mean I actually do like the fetish?  I wish this would stop, I never thought about this disgusting fetish before in my life.

[FlyingRocket]

I keep thinking that I'm not actually obsessing over the 'what if I like it' but I'm actually obsessing over the fact that I do indeed like it and then when the anxiety eventually goes away I will end up liking it. I don't want this to happen for god sakes I hate it so much. Can someone explain why it feels like I like the porn when I test myself with it?

[FlyingRocket]

Can OCD make you feel like you like these things? When I was testing myself with the video it felt at times like I liked it and this sent me down a spiral of anxiety. My heart rate increased and I haven't been able to calm myself down. 

And why does this happen? Is there some sort of psychological explanation for why this happens? 

I'm not doubting I have OCD, and it's clear my reactions to these things are part of my OCD (the worries) but I just can't literally believe OCD can make you feel like you like these things for a brief moment. 

[discuccsant]

Because you're fixated. That's why. 

Keep doing compulsions and it gets worse. Stop it and you'll see how things change. 

Either you the take the red pill and accept, that you need to change your behaviour pattern to get better or you keep taking the self-destructive blue pill, and continue ruminating like crazy, becoming more and more fixated on the obsession and develop more and weirder intrusive thoughts, which makes it even harder "to understand". 

There is nothing more to say about this.

Make your choice.

[FlyingRocket]

@discuccsant Will this go away when I stop obsessing over it? And I'm not talking about the anxiety I'm talking about these feelings. I really dislike this fetish it upsets me to the point where I start crying, but the fact that I get groinals messes with me so much. 

[Caramoole]

Rocket, you've come straight from Cora's thread (where I've explained to both of you why I wouldn't offer reassurance) and just started your own thread asking the same.

Look I know this is really distressing for you, honestly I do but it won't go away by wishing or by trying to make yourself feel better by carrying out endless compulsions.  I know how difficult it is to stop and that you won't manage to do that overnight but you must start the process of trying to change your reaction to this.  It's been explained that all of this is because of OCD, what helps and what harms.  You have to start the process.

So next time this doubt and surge of fear sweeps over you what are the things you think you need to do to change your response?  What are all the compulsions that you currently do, have a think?

[FlyingRocket]

19 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Rocket, you've come straight from Cora's thread (where I've explained to both of you why I wouldn't offer reassurance) and just started your own thread asking the same.

I'm sorry @Caramoole I've been doing really well these past few weeks, I hadn't thought about it at all and was happy and now I feel terrible again. 

19 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

So next time this doubt and surge of fear sweeps over you what are the things you think you need to do to change your response?  What are all the compulsions that you currently do, have a think?

I ruminate constantly. Today I spent about 5 hours straight ruminating. I even acknowledged I was ruminating but I still carried on because I was that bad today. A second compulsion would be looking up online sources to confirm that it is OCD and not a true sexual desire. I have probably about 100 bookmarks on my computer that I never look at that are related to sexual thoughts with OCD. Every time I find a link that calms me down I bookmark it, that is obviously a compulsion. Thirdly, testing myself by watching adult videos and fourth I guess coming here for reassurance.  

 

Edited January 26, 2022 by FlyingRocket
adding a fourth compulsion

[Caramoole]

First of all, I don't need an apology, but Thank You It's not a reprimand but I want you to understand what you're doing & why it's harmful to your progress

5 minutes ago, FlyingRocket said:

I ruminate constantly. Today I spent about 5 hours straight ruminating. I even acknowledged I was ruminating but I still carried on because I was that bad today. A second compulsion would be looking up online sources to confirm that it is OCD and not a true sexual desire. I have probably about 100 bookmarks on my computer that I never look at that are related to sexual OCD. Every time I find a link that calms me down I bookmark it, that is obviously a compulsion. Thirdly, testing myself by watching adult videos and fourth I guess coming here for reassurance.  

 

So what are we going to start on?  What are you going to do about the ruminating.  You've identified that you're doing it so how's about really trying to practise stopping yourself and bringing your thoughts back into the moment when you notice this.  Don't be surprised when your mind drifts of into "problem solving" mode again, it will but bring it back into the present moment and literally train yourself to do thus, like developing a muscle.

The same with looking things up online.  Stop yourself.  Sit with the overwhelming urge to check in, delay for 30 minutes.  Any of us can do that for half an hour.  Yes it will feel difficult, the urge to give in will be strong but you can do it.  Get involved with something else, a game, an online jigsaw, anything.  Then you'll possibly find the urge weakens but only if you also check that you don't spend the time ruminating and engaging in negative self talk.  And as an immediate action, delete 2 bookmarks and manage the discomfort.

Just putting up with and trying to ignore the feelings isn't enough, you need a plan of action, you need to get proactive.  Come on, you can do this

[FlyingRocket]

10 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Just putting up with and trying to ignore the feelings isn't enough, you need a plan of action, you need to get proactive.  Come on, you can do this

I have been trying to do all this for a few weeks, and it did work but today was a really bad relapse. 

[Caramoole]

What have you managed "not" to do?

[FlyingRocket]

For about two weeks, I was happy and I ignored the thoughts. But today, I got them and I decided to pay attention to them. This lead to a strong urge to check and then that lead to me being here. I forgot how dangerous checking was and forgot about the repercussions it has. 

[Caramoole]

In the whole two weeks have you done no checking on sites?  The other problem looks to be that you got through because you had a few good days but underneath you've not really addressed the belief system as being faulty and a product of OCD why is why when it comes back, it bites

[FlyingRocket]

4 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

In the whole two weeks have you done no checking on sites?

Well now that I think about it, I think I checked a few times but I didn't experience any groinal responses so I was happy. But then I'd get thoughts like 'what if you were just too anxious to get a groinal response' blah blah all that rubbish. Now that I think about it, I was worrying about something else, something I'm not as anxious so I was ok with it. 

5 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

The other problem looks to be that you got through because you had a few good days but underneath you've not really addressed the belief system as being faulty and a product of OCD why is why when it comes back, it bites

Yes, I suppose this is true. I always fear the worst happening. All my life I have had relatively bad stuff happen to me so I always assume the worst will happen and there's no good explanation. This topic is important to me as it goes against my moral values and I have always hated it, but now that this is happening it just messes with me so much. 

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, FlyingRocket said:

Well now that I think about it, I think I checked a few times but I didn't experience any groinal responses so I was happy

That is just a temporary lull and more by luck.  Understanding that groinal responses are meaningless anyway is better.    You also need to work on understanding that this says nothing about your true moral values.  You're still giving the thoughts credibility.  Don't get by because you have a few lucky days where it doesn't trouble you, it needs a root and branch approach

[FlyingRocket]

15 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Don't get by because you have a few lucky days where it doesn't trouble you, it needs a root and branch approach

Sorry, I don't understand. What do you mean by this? 

[discuccsant]

That you right now "hope" to get rid of this fear, by hoping to not experience any kind of intrusive thoughts, sensations, feelings and so on.

And therein lies your very problem: As long as you don't experience them, you're fine. Once you experience them, though, you instantly break down. And why? Because exactly as she said, you still give the intrusive thoughts, sensations and feelings some kind of menaing, they actually don't deserve! You still try to figure out, what the groinal responses could mean, instead of just ignoring them and keep going, as if they didn't happen at all. 

You're like a guy, who fears spiders, but just hope to be lucky enough to never encounter them. Do you think this will work? I doubt so.

As long as you keep testing yourself, wether or not you feel some kind of sensations by doing this or that, you'll be stuck in this forever. There is no way out of this. So your main issue is that you keep questioning yourself over these kind of intrusive thoughts sensation, i.e. groinal responses. And the key to beat your OCD in this, is by doing the exact opposite: You don't question yourself at all, so that it doesn't matter whether or not you experienced some kind of sensation.

That's literally the solution of how to beat OCD on this.

Why don't you give it a try the next time you experience any kind of groinal response?

Good luck!