OCD and really old memories/mistakes

[determination987]

Having a bit of a rocky day today. I didn’t sleep well and this seems to be a big trigger for me. I woke up feeling anxious and have been practicing not giving into the thoughts but I have this  feeling of anxiety that I’ve not been able to shake most of the day.

At the moment, I’m noticing that I’m getting random memories pop into my head of mistakes or things I perceive as a mistake from nearly ten years ago. I didn’t even consider them at the time so I have no idea why the random thoughts pop up now.
 

Before I was analysing them to death and they’d lose all meaning or feel like a very real threat at the moment. I see things very black and white I think and it’s hard to see the middle ground. It’s hard to reflect on things from 10 - 20 years ago as the memories are hazy and I’m not sure how much truth is in them so I’m trying to leave them be.

Is it normal to fluctuate? I was feeling much more positive yesterday but today I’m feeling quite down and not quite as upbeat. 
 

Hoping I can try a run later but I’m exhausted today.

 

Edited January 26, 2022 by determination987
Unclear

[discuccsant]

Hi, 

yeah, it's pretty common with OCD to attack your past as well. Especially when you happen to suffer from things concerning your morals, e.g. harm, sexuality and so on. 

The OCD subreddit in Reddit is basically mostly about this and I think it's because they are pretty young there, i.e. their OCD didn't latch into other things, as it did for us. I, for exmaple, couldn't care less about my child and teenage sins, but that's maybe because I'm a little bit older then others there.

So yes, people on Reddit do have a lot of obsession about their teenage sins, i.e.: 

• "I once experimented with sexual stuff with my cousin, when I was nine years! I feel disgusted and ashamed!" 
• "I once watched illegal porn when I was 1X years old. I can't move on form that!"
• "I once bullied some child, when I was a teenager! I can't shake the feeling off, that I destroyed his life!"
• "I once sniffed the panties of my sister, when I was a teenager. I'm disgusting!"
• "I once hit this guy for no good reason! I might have traumatized him for life!"
• "I once did fart in the classroom, and pretented it was some other guy, who in the aftermath was bullied as "farty" after that! I destroyed his school experience!" - Yes, I've read this story and as horrible it it for "farty" sounds, I actually laughed out loud, haha.
• Bla, bla and bla. 

I'm pretty sure everyone did dumb stuff as a teenager, they happen to regret at a later point in their life. Human brains are not fully developed at this time and age. It's normal to do questionable stuff as children or teenagers, without being fully aware of the moral implications. It's normal in our development and in our quest, to become adults. And it's something we would do differently from our todays point of view. And this is the only thing that's important.

So, in retrospect to our past, all we have to know is this: "What only matters is who we are now and not who we were or what we did back then.". 

That's literally how people without OCD would do, if random memories from their past popped out and how they would find peace in the aftermath. That's how they would come in terms with it. Humans are not perfect. Especially our youngsters. They can't be perfect, because they have to do mistakes by themselves. There is no human child or teen who walks on the earth like an angel.

Take me: I'm in fact pretty sure that I was among the best children, a parent could have had. No criminal records, good at school, nice and respectful to people. Yet, even I did questionable stuff here and then, I'm absolutely not proud of. In fact, I still regret certain things I did to others randomly. I once bullied a "friend" of mine, who cried in the aftermath. Yeah, still hurts to see his face. But I can't change my past. It's part of me and even though I did some other stupid stuff as well, I was still a pretty decent guy, compared to others back then. Pretty sure the same goes for you, too. We do a lot of mistakes throughout this time. That's how being a child and teenager works.

People with OCD are sadly not able to be reasonable enough to see it that way, because - as you very correctly said - everything is viewed in this very strict "black and white" pattern. No middle ground, no forgiveness, no contextualizing, but just very hard and strict verdicts upon ourselves. 

Now what can you do out of this?

Instead of ruminating over stuff like these, you simply do, what you did before random memories popped out: You stop thinking about them and you don't give them any relevance. Just remember, that it's totally normal to be unreasonable during this time and age. Absolutely normal. All that matters is how you are behaving today and if you would do things otherwise, compared to back then. Pretty sure I wouldn't behave like a douchebag and "jokingly" bully my "friend" in front of others, so that he cries out of the emotional pain - really, this makes me wanna punch my old self. 

I wish you the very best!

Edited January 26, 2022 by discuccsant

[northpaul]

1 hour ago, determination987 said:

Is it normal to fluctuate?

In my journey as I live with OCD I would say yes, this is a common occurence to have mood fluctuations.  I am learning after my therapy how to deal with some of those historic trigger moments.  I need to go back to my therapy notes and revise what I learned about challenging those thoughts that can lead to more compulsions.  Remember the progress I have made and even shout about it (in a nice way!).

Perhaps if you 'talk up' the progress you have made in your journey against OCD, then  this will counter-balance the negative memories you can have from time to time.

[discuccsant]

14 minutes ago, northpaul said:

In my journey as I live with OCD I would say yes, this is a common occurence to have mood fluctuations.  I am learning after my therapy how to deal with some of those historic trigger moments.  I need to go back to my therapy notes and revise what I learned about challenging those thoughts that can lead to more compulsions.  Remember the progress I have made and even shout about it (in a nice way!).

Perhaps if you 'talk up' the progress you have made in your journey against OCD, then  this will counter-balance the negative memories you can have from time to time.

May I ask how long you are already diagnosed with OCD? I'm in fact like this, but I hoped to get rid of it, once and for all. Reading this, worries me a little bit. I really want to put "Ex-Sufferer" at some day on my OCD Status, haha.  

[determination987]

49 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

Hi, 

yeah, it's pretty common with OCD to attack your past as well. Especially when you happen to suffer from things concerning your morals, e.g. harm, sexuality and so on. 

The OCD subreddit in Reddit is basically mostly about this and I think it's because they are pretty young there, i.e. their OCD didn't latch into other things, as it did for us. I, for exmaple, couldn't care less about my child and teenage sins, but that's maybe because I'm a little bit older then others there.

So yes, people on Reddit do have a lot of obsession about their teenage sins, i.e.: 

• "I once experimented with sexual stuff with my cousin, when I was nine years! I feel disgusted and ashamed!" 
• "I once watched illegal porn when I was 1X years old. I can't move on form that!"
• "I once bullied some child, when I was a teenager! I can't shake the feeling off, that I destroyed his life!"
• "I once sniffed the panties of my sister, when I was a teenager. I'm disgusting!"
• "I once hit this guy for no good reason! I might have traumatized him for life!"
• "I once did fart in the classroom, and pretented it was some other guy, who in the aftermath was bullied as "farty" after that! I destroyed his school experience!" - Yes, I've read this story and as horrible it it for "farty" sounds, I actually laughed out loud, haha.
• Bla, bla and bla. 

I'm pretty sure everyone did dumb stuff as a teenager, they happen to regret at a later point in their life. Human brains are not fully developed at this time and age. It's normal to do questionable stuff as children or teenagers, without being fully aware of the moral implications. It's normal in our development and in our quest, to become adults. And it's something we would do differently from our todays point of view. And this is the only thing that's important.

So, in retrospect to our past, all we have to know is this: "What only matters is who we are now and not who we were or what we did back then.". 

That's literally how people without OCD would do, if random memories from their past popped out and how they would find peace in the aftermath. That's how they would come in terms with it. Humans are not perfect. Especially our youngsters. They can't be perfect, because they have to do mistakes by themselves. There is no human child or teen who walks on the earth like an angel.

Take me: I'm in fact pretty sure that I was among the best children, a parent could have had. No criminal records, good at school, nice and respectful to people. Yet, even I did questionable stuff here and then, I'm absolutely not proud of. In fact, I still regret certain things I did to others randomly. I once bullied a "friend" of mine, who cried in the aftermath. Yeah, still hurts to see his face. But I can't change my past. It's part of me and even though I did some other stupid stuff as well, I was still a pretty decent guy, compared to others back then. Pretty sure the same goes for you, too. We do a lot of mistakes throughout this time. That's how being a child and teenager works.

People with OCD are sadly not able to be reasonable enough to see it that way, because - as you very correctly said - everything is viewed in this very strict "black and white" pattern. No middle ground, no forgiveness, no contextualizing, but just very hard and strict verdicts upon ourselves. 

Now what can you do out of this?

Instead of ruminating over stuff like these, you simply do, what you did before random memories popped out: You stop thinking about them and you don't give them any relevance. Just remember, that it's totally normal to be unreasonable during this time and age. Absolutely normal. All that matters is how you are behaving today and if you would do things otherwise, compared to back then. Pretty sure I wouldn't behave like a douchebag and "jokingly" bully my "friend" in front of others, so that he cries out of the emotional pain - really, this makes me wanna punch my old self. 

I wish you the very best!

Thanks, I'm the same in that I have always been really rule abiding to the point that I would make myself sick with worry that I'd do the wrong thing. I'm sure I made plenty of mistakes when I was younger, particularly when going out drinking in my college and university days but at the time they seemed insignificant but tend to creep up now. The mistake I'm thinking of now is in relation to my early twenties though and I can't remember it clearly. It was a form I filled in but I'm worried that I filled it in wrong somehow. It's not even an important form or anything official but my mind has gone to it and tried to remember the exact details, to the point that last week I was googling forms and looking at the content and seeking reassurance.

I've always been worried about unknowingly making mistakes. I even called to check if I owed any tax once when I clearly didn't and they basically laughed at me. I check bills and forms to ridiculous detail because I'm worried that I'll make a mistake that will somehow be catastrophic. Not long ago, my intrusive thoughts were in relation to changing address and missing informing someone important and my mind went to all sorts of catastrophic future events, caused by my stupidity.

I'm learning though that everyone makes mistakes and that we do what we do at the time with the knowledge that we have then. Looking back now is pointless and achieves nothing. I will deal with problems as they arise, rather than looking back at things that have past and would be impossible to realistically know what happened.

[determination987]

48 minutes ago, northpaul said:

In my journey as I live with OCD I would say yes, this is a common occurence to have mood fluctuations.  I am learning after my therapy how to deal with some of those historic trigger moments.  I need to go back to my therapy notes and revise what I learned about challenging those thoughts that can lead to more compulsions.  Remember the progress I have made and even shout about it (in a nice way!).

Perhaps if you 'talk up' the progress you have made in your journey against OCD, then  this will counter-balance the negative memories you can have from time to time.

Thanks Northpaul,

I always find your advice really helpful :). I'm having a rocky day I think but I can see the positives. I had to attach some photos for my friend as she was returning something that was faulty. I attached the pictures but then worried I'd attached the wrong ones so I deleted them and did it again. I realised, 'oh no, this is ocd' and sent them then without checking. It did catch me at first and I think because I'm feeling generally anxious today, it was easier to slip in but I caught it and sent it anyway.

I just seem to think that I have to be perfect, even in trying to recover. I know it's not a neat process and there will be ups and downs but the downs are HARD. Today is better than last week though and I can see that I can handle them better. This forum has been invaluable for that. I think sometimes just having that guidance and someone to spur you on, really goes a long way.

[northpaul]

1 hour ago, discuccsant said:

May I ask how long you are already diagnosed with OCD? I'm in fact like this, but I hoped to get rid of it, once and for all. Reading this, worries me a little bit. I really want to put "Ex-Sufferer" at some day on my OCD Status, haha.  

Please do not be alarmed.  All I will say is that I have lived with OCD for a long time.  However for a lot of the time it has only been hovering in the background and has not impacted too much on daily life.  At the moment I am in a recovery phase and just reward myself for the daily victories I am am currently experiencing.

My latest therapy sessions gave me extra tools in my toolbox in my fight against the OCD bully!  

[Angst]

The right thing with memories popping into the head is do not dwell and move on. It was part of my therapy.

There tends to be moral memories as discussant remarks as well as shame memories. They have played a major part in my mental health and therapy. I agree with northpaul that their prevalence may be related to mood.

I have found reading the work of Paul Gilbert very rewarding he has written extensively on mental health and memories.  Reference to his writings is influencing OCD therapy as witnessed by the book CBT for OCD written by therapists at two of the leading centres for OCD treatment. His web site deals with compassion based therapy.

But as always with OCD - let it pass and if necessary switch your attention to  beneficial things.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Angst

[determination987]

54 minutes ago, Angst said:

The right thing with memories popping into the head is do not dwell and move on. It was part of my therapy.

There tends to be moral memories as discussant remarks as well as shame memories. They have played a major part in my mental health and therapy. I agree with northpaul that their prevalence may be related to mood.

I have found reading the work of Paul Gilbert very rewarding he has written extensively on mental health and memories.  Reference to his writings is influencing OCD therapy as witnessed by the book CBT for OCD written by therapists at two of the leading centres for OCD treatment. His web site deals with compassion based therapy.

But as always with OCD - let it pass and if necessary switch your attention to  beneficial things.

Thanks, I’ll have a look into Paul Gilbert. Compassion based therapy sounds perfect. I can see that I have little compassion for myself and hold myself to impossible standards.

I think it feels that everyone else has it altogether and that they never make mistakes but I know in reality that’s not true. 
 

I even sometimes go back to a memory of playing hide and seek as a small child and getting told off for giving away someone’s hiding place. I have no idea why this memory stuck with me as I was very young .

I don’t ever forgive myself for mistakes or cringe worthy moments and I think that’s part of my recovery. I’m trying to let the thoughts pass rather than overthink them and to let mistakes be where they belong, in the past. 
 

Thanks for you reply and suggestion. I will definitely look into it.

[Angst]

Cringe worthy moments is a good description of shame emotions and memories. Paul Gibert writes about shame and being highly critical of oneself. As you say, learn to be kinder to yourself and if seemingly locked into painful or embarrassing memories shift your attention to conjuring up good and positive memories.

[ecomum]

Thank you for this thread .it describes exactly my ocd. I'm off to.look up Paul Gilbert.

I find it helps to immediately distract myself. I see it as a wolf I have to battle before it gets in. 

Also I think knowing others have this type of trigger helps me to see  if as a symptom of ocd and deal with it as such.

Random mistakes from years ago pop up in my head and cause me to freeze or panic but if I get immediately distracted they go quicker than if I engage with them.

My family had a massive hang up about blame and mistakes when I was a kid.we were told mistakes where unforgiveable.

But they are just how we learn. I know that now.i just have to re train my brain from how I was raised.

Thanks again for this extremely helpful thread. 

[determination987]

2 hours ago, Angst said:

Cringe worthy moments is a good description of shame emotions and memories. Paul Gibert writes about shame and being highly critical of oneself. As you say, learn to be kinder to yourself and if seemingly locked into painful or embarrassing memories shift your attention to conjuring up good and positive memories.

Thanks Angst. I can see there’s a YouTube video of him so I’ll give that a watch and was thinking of purchasing one of his books. 
 

Absolutely, I think I’ve been horribly harsh on myself the last two days. I seem to be stuck in the past and thinking lots of ‘should have’ thoughts and worrying about future catastrophes. I have a horrible headache that won’t shift which I think may have contributed to this way of thinking or vice versa.

[determination987]

2 hours ago, ecomum said:

Thank you for this thread .it describes exactly my ocd. I'm off to.look up Paul Gilbert.

I find it helps to immediately distract myself. I see it as a wolf I have to battle before it gets in. 

Also I think knowing others have this type of trigger helps me to see  if as a symptom of ocd and deal with it as such.

Random mistakes from years ago pop up in my head and cause me to freeze or panic but if I get immediately distracted they go quicker than if I engage with them.

My family had a massive hang up about blame and mistakes when I was a kid.we were told mistakes where unforgiveable.

But they are just how we learn. I know that now.i just have to re train my brain from how I was raised.

Thanks again for this extremely helpful thread. 

It’s so hard isn’t it? I think that feeling under the weather the last few days has taken my strength away as I was doing well with not engaging with them. Tomorrow is a new day though so I get some sleep and have more strength to be more present.

Definitely, mistakes are part of being human. I know this rationally but my mind loves to distort my thinking into horrible worst case scenarios and changes the memories so I have no idea what is real, exaggerated or false.
 

I know, the best thing to do is to leave it as a thought, that’s all it is. To focus on other more beneficial things and let it just be there until it goes.

Hope you’re doing okay with it too. I’m finding lots of ups and downs but recognising it as OCD definitely helps me too (as much as at the moment it’s telling me it’s a real threat!)

[ecomum]

Yes hardest part of my life .Mine is definitely worse when I'm under the weather or stressed it's like I just don't have as much strength or presence of mind to fight it.

I also get this for a mistake I make in the present. I made a mistake yesterday and now I am worried about the consequences. The thing is rationally I don't think the mistake will cause too many problems but its because its my fault .which is where I think Paul Gilbert may help. If someone else had done it I wouldn't be so worried.

I usually allow myself "one what if ". Eg if I let my child climb on something and he falls and hurts his arm  , one what if , what if his wrist is broken ? and no more ,like what if I get into trouble for neglect, what if it never heals etc etc etc. 

Unfortunately though its not that easy and the rumination gets unbearable.

Does anyone also get this from current stuff too.where the thing did happen but its the consequences you imagine that become unbearable and not what non sufferer would experience ?

[determination987]

1 hour ago, ecomum said:

Yes hardest part of my life .Mine is definitely worse when I'm under the weather or stressed it's like I just don't have as much strength or presence of mind to fight it.

I also get this for a mistake I make in the present. I made a mistake yesterday and now I am worried about the consequences. The thing is rationally I don't think the mistake will cause too many problems but its because its my fault .which is where I think Paul Gilbert may help. If someone else had done it I wouldn't be so worried.

I usually allow myself "one what if ". Eg if I let my child climb on something and he falls and hurts his arm  , one what if , what if his wrist is broken ? and no more ,like what if I get into trouble for neglect, what if it never heals etc etc etc. 

Unfortunately though its not that easy and the rumination gets unbearable.

Does anyone also get this from current stuff too.where the thing did happen but its the consequences you imagine that become unbearable and not what non sufferer would experience ?

Yes! I do it all the time. I think that’s why I overthink everything constantly and check things repeatedly because I don’t want to make a mistake so that I’ll start thinking of all the horrible consequences.

If I made a mistake before realising j had OCD, I would get this incredible urge to fix it instantly. This would involve me ringing people to ask how bad the mistake is and how to rectify it, potentially ringing the people I believed I’d made a mistake to or emailing to check. I’d check and check and check everything and my mind wouldn’t let it go. That could be a mistake made ten minutes ago or one that pops into my head from ten or twenty years ago. 

I’ve worked on the physical checking compulsions and I’ve stopped over analysing conversations and wondering why I said or did something as much but it still can sneak in there.

My mind can take a simple, innocent mistake and make me wonder for hours/days about what the consequences could be and what will people think? What could happen?  Have I accidentally done something horrific and life changing? How can I fix it? How can I prove my intentions? What were my intentions? If I didn’t mean to do it, how will I prove it? Etc, etc repeat, repeat, repeat.

I can convince myself that I’m the worst person in the world and no one would ever make a mistake as big as I will and everyone will judge/hate me etc.

I definitely think we need to be more compassionate! People make mistakes, intentionally and unintentionally. Most people would shrug it off as something cringeworthy or not to be repeated but we seem to berate ourselves and get stuck as if all of those horrible catastrophes are happening. I can definitely jump from 1 to 10 in severity of consequences. Realistically, life and mistakes lie somewhere in the middle. No one is perfect. I struggle with that too! 
 

Edited January 29, 2022 by determination987

[ecomum]

I could have written that . That is exactly what I do. 

I didn't know it was ocd until my husband said it was mental health and not that I had actually caused all the harm I thought I had. I googled it then saw a dr and was diagnosed with ocd.  

Sometimes I feel I'm winning and I have read so much and had a lot of therapy, I have even been off meds a while  now. Unfortunately, I do have relapses and I think all this covid stuff has made it bad again at the moment.

I have just been on amazon and ordered "building self confidence using compassion focused therapy". I'm hoping as this is the crux of my ocd that it will help. I will post on here if it does.

"How to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie is great for practical ways to handle worry. And "If in doubt make believe" by Jeff Bell is great for this type of ocd  too

 

Edited January 29, 2022 by ecomum