To be completely free of OCD and the fear of not being able to

[discuccsant]

2 hours ago, northpaul said:

Please do not be alarmed.  All I will say is that I have lived with OCD for a long time.  However for a lot of the time it has only been hovering in the background and has not impacted too much on daily life.  At the moment I am in a recovery phase and just reward myself for the daily victories I am am currently experiencing.

My latest therapy sessions gave me extra tools in my toolbox in my fight against the OCD bully!  

To not hijack another thread: 

I do experience short anxiety spikes, where I feel like, as if I'm not cautious enough, I'll falling back into OCDs compulsion and obsession trap. The anxiety isn't really that much about my old themes or intrusive thoughts, but more about this constant fear of falling back into this rabbit hole, once something shocking happens to me, I'm not really aware off now. I guess this fear is because of the fact, that whenever OCD hit me, it was because of something I never would have expected and because of something, that shocked me tremendous back then.

But I hate this constant fear! I just want to be completely free from OCD, without even giving a single thought about it. Without the fear of falling into OCDs trap, if I don't be careful enough. I just want to be like all the other people. I don't want to be in this constant state of "being cautios" to not doing any kinds of compulsions, once a anxiety triggering thought pops up randomly. Sometimes it feels for me, as if it's simply my character, I try to surpress, as I'm known as a thinker. What do I mean by that? Well, I do want to think about random thoughts here and then, but I have to stop myself, because I fear that I might push myself into OCD. I really surpress myself! But maybe it's just something I learned from OCD? I guess decades of having OCD just influences your mind and thinking in some point. I don't know.

I'm also a little bit concerned when seeing Caramoole, Snowbear and so on: Even though they are more or less "experts" on OCD and even though they did suffer from it for a long time, they still don't have "Ex-Sufferer" as their status. This makes me wonder why. What does this mean for me? How it comes, after all these years, that OCD still has an impact on their lifes?

The very fact, that I'm still participating in this forum, is something, I also question myself time to time. To be completely free of OCD, also means, that I wont even be like "Oh yeah, let's go to ocdforums.org or Reddit and "help" some people there" -> I'm actually doubting that I'm helpful at all, I just feel like, as If it's something I need to do, as to feel as a part of this community or something like that. Mabye because I like to be around people, who also have to live with this?
And here again: I don't want to associate with people who have OCD at all. No, it's not because I despise people with OCD. Absolutely not. But I just want to forget about this traumatizing illness once and for all. OCD had a very bad impact on me and I'm still traumatized by it. So I think it's pretty normal, that I don't want OCD in my life in any kind of form. I want to distance myself as much as possible from OCD. I don't want to feel "different" to others around me, because I have OCD. This sucks! 

It just feels like, as if I'm still not really free from OCD, even though most people here would love to be "in my state".

I just feel down and depressed.

Are there others who can relate to me and maybe even have some advice for me?

Thanks!

[snowbear]

36 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

Are there others who can relate to me and maybe even have some advice for me?

Yeah, I totally relate to what you're saying. Personally I believe 100% that it's possible to be completely OCD free and what's more is I'm determined to get there.

36 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

I'm also a little bit concerned when seeing Caramoole, Snowbear and so on: Even though they are more or less "experts" on OCD and even though they did suffer from it for a long time, they still don't have "Ex-Sufferer" as their status. This makes me wonder why. What does this mean for me? How it comes, after all these years, that OCD still has an impact on their lifes?

 

Why do I not claim to be an ex-sufferer? Because life is more complicated than a single diagnosis and whether you still have or haven't got OCD. I have a lot going on in my life that's simultaneously nothing to do with the OCD and yet so inextricably entwined with it that I'm anything but 'OCD free'.

Don't compare your situation to other people's. Every life is different, everybody's journey is individual. The reasons for me not calling myself an ex-sufferer will be different from Caramoole's reasons, different from your reasons, unique to each person as we are unique people with unique lives, past and present.

15 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

I do experience short anxiety spikes, where I feel like, as if I'm not cautious enough, I'll falling back into OCDs compulsion and obsession trap

 

Do I still get intrusive thoughts of harm, unwanted images that disgust me, guilt trips over things I said or did etc? No more and no less than any normal person. What matters is how I respond/ behave when they happen.

Do I get anxious, ruminate, beat myself up? NO!

Do I allow them to hang around in my head long enough to become obsessions? NO!

They happen, they get shrugged off and dismissed in less than a minute (literally) and I move on without giving them another thought. Because I don't have that distorted OCD thinking that convinces me they are worth bothering about.

 

I don't fall down the rabbit hole and I don't dance around on eggshells worrying that one day I might. If ever I did start obsessing over something again I'd recognise the thinking pattern and nip it in the bud. I treat any momentary anxiety as warning flag that OCD thinking is on my doorstep and I slam the door in its face - hard.

You need to develop the confidence to do the same. Believe in your ability to shut OCD down (should it happen) and remember having intrusive thoughts and getting momentary anxiety isn't OCD. It's normal. It happens to everybody with a brain. The rabbit hole only opens up when you engage with the thoughts/ anxiety and allow it to become an obsession.

 

19 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

I'm known as a thinker. What do I mean by that? Well, I do want to think about random thoughts here and then, but I have to stop myself, because I fear that I might push myself into OCD. I really surpress myself!

I'm a thinker too. I love to have long and intricate debates with myself about all manner of things. BUT they are enjoyable thoughts, not anxiety provoking. Usually these debates are about things for which there is no answer, and I know when I start the debate that it will end with me happily shruging it off as still unsolved. The difference between this intense thinking about problems that have no answers and OCD thinking (where there are no answers) is there is no urge to solve it, no compulsion to find a solution and no anxiety when I can't come up with an answer. It's just interesting to pitch my brain against questions that have stumped humanity since time began! I easily shift my thinking to other things if I need or want to, same as I'd stop playing a hobby and get back to work after a tea break.

So you will know if you are at risk of falling down the rabbit hole because you'll get the warning signals that:

- you're starting to spend too much time thinking about the problem instead of getting on with normal life (getting obsessed)

- you're telling yourself there 'should' be a solution and you 'ought to' be able to solve it if only you look hard enough (Even Einstein wasn't certain every question he pondered could be solved! )  'Should' and 'ought' are signs of judgemental thinking, which often accompanies OCD thinking.

- you feel compelled to solve it/ sort it/ have certainty (and have started doing compulsions - your 'thinking' has become 'ruminating')

- it's starting to make you anxious rather than being enjoyable

At any point in the future where you notice these warning signs appear, just nip it in the bud using the tools in your CBT toolbox. No need to fear it, take avoidance action, or live your life differently because you once suffered from OCD thought processes going on inside your perfectly normal brain.  

43 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

The very fact, that I'm still participating in this forum, is something, I also question myself time to time. I'm actually doubting that I'm helpful at all, I just feel like, as If it's something I need to do, as to feel as a part of this community or something like that. Mabye because I like to be around people, who also have to live with this?
And here again: I don't want to associate with people who have OCD at all. I just want to forget about this traumatizing illness once and for all. I want to distance myself as much as possible from OCD. I don't want to feel "different" to others around me, because I have OCD. 

It just feels like, as if I'm still not really free from OCD, even though most people here would love to be "in my state".

I just feel down and depressed.

 

People's reasons for hanging out on the forums will be as varied and individual as their lives. I take breaks now and then. Go away for a few weeks or months and get busy with other things. That's healthy. Everything in life that's healthy is a balance. A simple way to look at it is OCD isn't healthy because there is no balance - the thinking, fear and compulsions dominate all your time.

So come and go. Hang out for the simple company of likeminded people, people who can both empathise with your journey and envy your success! Join in where you think you can help. Skulk silently on the sidelines just to feel you still have a toe in the water, take a sabbatical and come back to tell us all about what you did now you're OCD free, or disappear off into the sunset because you've got other things you want to do with your time now you're recovered. It's your choice. The only thing you have to be on your guard for is if you feel compelled to stick around (or to leave) for some reason. That would suggest there's some OCD thinking fuelling the decision rather than it being a free choice you make because you choose to hang out with us wonderful peeps on the forums.

If you're getting down about being 'semi-recovered', or depressed because you don't think you'll ever be 'fully recovered' it suggests to me you've got a toe still stuck in the rabbit hole. Still applying OCD thinking processes that there 'should' be a particular way to 'be' when you're fully recovered, or that you 'ought' to feel a particlar way, or act a particular way. Nope. All you have to do is be you. Do your own thing. Think and feel whatever you think and feel and don't be afraid of it.

And if you're in a good place OCD-wise right now? Celebrate it! Make the most of it. Make up for the time lost to OCD by getting busy doing things that are important to you.

59 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

OCD had a very bad impact on me and I'm still traumatized by it.

You and many others here. BUT  - and here's the important bit - don't let the fact you've been through something traumatising become an obsession.

If you get thoughts about the journey you've been on, or feelings that you've been 'traumatised' just treat them like you treat any other thought or feeling. Acknowledge it, don't dwell on it, let it go and move on with your life.

 

 

[taurean]

You can live a perfectly good life with OCD still around.

To "demand" to be entirely free from OCD puts pressure on a  person, and that probably creates more challenges more weakness,  than it helps.

My - harm - OCD has been episodic. I have never been completely  free of it, but I have been unaffected by it for long periods in between.

It didn't stop me working, it didn't stop me getting married, having lots of friends, going out and about. Because I learned how to accept what I couldn't overcome, but continue to work on what I might do to improve things.

I used to spend a lot of time on these forums - but I listened to friends, and my therapists, who told me I was spending too much time thinking all  things OCD, and that was not helping me.

So now I am an occasional visitor and, when I do visit, I try to make a difference and share what I have learned on my journey.

For me, the best combination of action to tackle my OCD is a combination of utilising  CBT knowledge, keeping active and not practising avoidance, practising  mindfulness, meditation and the desire to be with and help others.

That's my package built for me by listening to informed guidance.

Does it matter to me that I can't ascribe "ex-sufferer" against my name? No, I accept that it isn't possible for me at this stage.

Some people rate how they are against their OCD as a percentage. But, with this episodic type I don't find that helpful.

I won't stop trying to utilise my knowledge and skills so as to minimise and shorten episodes - that's sensible and does not put pressure on me.

The best things that help us can often be the simplest, things we tend to discount, but shouldn't. 

For me  the best thing in the last year has been the online mindfulness-based CBT for OCD I had, for which I was able to pay privately, via one-to-one Microsoft teams.

I  have shared a lot of what I learned from this on here. It was brilliant, and it shows that we can significantly improve things if we determine to follow the correct guidance.

It's up to us whether we do this or not. The best therapist in the world is useless unless the patient commits unreservedly to practising what they preach.

 

 

[Caramoole]

13 hours ago, discuccsant said:

I'm also a little bit concerned when seeing Caramoole, Snowbear and so on: Even though they are more or less "experts" on OCD and even though they did suffer from it for a long time, they still don't have "Ex-Sufferer" as their status. This makes me wonder why.

Partly because I never do anything with my profile so it just tends to sit there as was

Seriously, it is something I've sometimes thought about but just as I wouldn't describe myself as an ex- common cold sufferer or an ex-sufferer of tonsillitis, I don't describe myself as an ex-sufferer because I think everyone has the propensity to suffer from anxiety given certain life circumstances.  I say anxiety because it has become my personal belief that OCD is largely a disorder that is a reaction & response to a thought experienced during a period of anxiety or a set of behaviours developed in an attempt to control our lives and protect us from a perceived danger, it then becomes a disorder.

I experienced my first bout of OCD (or fearful thoughts) 45 years ago.  Hadn't got a clue what it was and lived with it in silence for 20 years before diagnosis.  I was still not offered any treatment but I had a label.  It was probably almost another decade before there was the availability of any Self-Help books or internet articles.  So I suffered from anxiety/OCD for nearly 30 years and as such your person develops and gets used to responding in a particular way.  When life stressors come along you have to take care not to fall into the trap of handling it in ways of old and give it your attention to make sure you don't.  I don't think anyone lives without life stressors or (many) who don't experience bouts of anxiety because of that, so there's always the potential there if not dealt with.

I don't share much about my personal life but I have run a business, been an employer, been in countless roles of boards, committees, sports clubs etc.  I'm  a born  organiser, self-confident, have good self-esteem, am good in social situations.  No-one knows of my OCD or ever has. So am I an ex-sufferer?  Maybe I am, by some people's defenition  I have to watch anxiety levels and with that, make sure I handle it which is why I don't describe myself as "Ex".  I consider myself "a work in progress" hopefully continuing to learn, evolve & fine tune

[northpaul]

15 hours ago, snowbear said:

Don't compare your situation to other people's. Every life is different, everybody's journey is individual. The reasons for me not calling myself an ex-sufferer will be different from Caramoole's reasons, different from your reasons, unique to each person as we are unique people with unique lives, past and present.

Yes indeed, we all have a unique experience of life with OCD.  As I was quoted by discuccsant at the start of this thread I would just like to add a comment to the well balanced comments from the other contributers.

I will quote a paragraph from my recovery progress plan that I agreed with my threrapist at the end of therapy:

Question - What goals am I going to continue to work towards?

My answer - Aim to reduce all checking to minimum and necessary levels.  Aim to eradicate OCD, but not as an absolute target, and congratulate myself for my progess along the way.

[taurean]

2 hours ago, northpaul said:

Question - What goals am I going to continue to work towards?

My answer - Aim to reduce all checking to minimum and necessary levels.  Aim to eradicate OCD, but not as an absolute target, and congratulate myself for my progess along the way.

Sensible and practical. Good goals.