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Lying to be kind?


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Im in a terrible state, as most people now know im battlethrough and have been posting on here for decades. 

Its aways the same, feel ok and fantasize about other women than my wife, 

Then ocd kicks in with suicidal guilt and confession

My biggest problem is the insecurities i have created in my wifes mind. 

Ive confessed so much that she is so hurt. 

She says that she never has sexual fantasies and is constantly saying i better not be,shes even said i better not dream about women when sleeping 

I constantly say i never do anymore as she will not accept it as ok and normal

I dont want to split the family up,but recovery is so hard, i know its my fault the way she is, i just dont know how to move on from the insecurities i have planted in her

 

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Hi friend. :) I'm sorry you're having such a terrible time. 

It's unrealistic for you to expect yourself not to have sexual thoughts or fantasies about women besides your wife. It's normal and human to do so, and frankly most people do not see it as a big deal. The problem is that your OCD is blowing up the perceived importance of the thoughts in a super distorted and dramatic way.

While it's also unrealistic for your wife to expect you not to have such thoughts, you are correct that by endlessly confessing to your wife you have increased her insecurities around the issue. Please know that I do not write those words in judgment or condemnation, in fact the very opposite! Please please show yourself compassion and understand that your confessions are not a reflection of who you are, they are a side effect of a very real mental disorder. The need to perform compulsions can be so overwhelmingly blinding that they lead us to do things that we otherwise would not. I definitely have done things that I regret in pursuit of reassurance.

As to what you should do now, an important question is: does your wife understand that you have OCD? Does she know that your confessions are compulsive behaviors driven by anxiety? If not, I'd greatly encourage you to discuss OCD with your wife, perhaps with the aid of a therapist or counselor. Understanding the context of your confessions may help your wife to feel less insecure, and I bet that you would feel better as well. In any event, you cannot go back and change the past. What you can do is change your behaviors now. You can stop confessing to her, you can work on limiting and then ending your compulsions. For you, for her, for your family. 

Are you currently getting any professional help or doing self-help for your OCD? 

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Hi there,

I've been where you are. It was one of my themes for a long time and I too started confessing things and beating myself about fantasies. 

Your thoughts and fantasies are normal. Anyone who says that don't have similar thoughts are probably lying.

What isn't normal is how your thinking about this whole thing. 

To feel better, you need to stop engaging with it. Stop confessing. Stop worrying about whether it's right to have fantasies.

Just stop. I know it's hard but trust me, put your attention on other things and with a bit of time I promise you'll feel much better. 

W

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Thank you both for your support, i really have lost the will to live

My wife knows of my ocd, she was always supportive of other themes but because i created the graphic sexual fantasies and they wernt intrusive its swervballed her and she cant deal with it. 

It was never a problem but know its as if every fantasy(and there has been alot) is a dark secret that should be shared, it doesnt help that i work with my wife and a women ive had fantasies about so im triggered every day. 

Im waiting for cbt and i am diagnosed with ocd but obviously i see this is not ocd. 

Really just want to switch the lights off,cant take it anymore

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Yes, it is OCD but your compulsions have created a problem through your confessions.  That said, the whole problem isn't all yours, a great part of the responsibility also lies with your Wife.  a) That she doesn't have a good understanding of OCD and b) that she doesn't have an understanding of human nature and the normality of sexual fantasy. I'm not sure which is the best way to tackle this as one part relates to your OCD and the other to a mismatch as regards your sexual needs and beliefs.  Your fantasies/daydreams are perfectly normal, your constant need to discuss them is an OCD problem.  Your Wife's rigid view against fantasy is her right to have but it isn't a view held by most people.  I think it's something to discuss with your therapist when you get one, so that they can suggest how you best approach it.  Your Wife certainly needs to improve her knowledge of OCD as a disorder, so that she can begin to understand how it affects you & how you you were driven to this constant confessing.  Maybe later down the line you could do with some couples therapy to work out how you deal with the sexual side of your relationship.  Perhaps, once you start CBT, the problem will die down as you learn about compulsions, in particular, this need to confess & seek reassurance.  But the can of worms has been opened a bit and it depends if she can let things go.  It may be that as your obsessions die down, the problems resolve and you can enjoy your own daydreams without anxiety but she too would need to let things drop and not be constantly quizzing you about your thinking.

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Thanks caramoole

Unfortunately i dont think my wife will ever see it as ok, i have tried showing her phycolagy articles about how commen it is. 

It really is hell, like a revolving door, my brain will focus on one person ive fantasized about, then that person goes to the back of my mind only to be taken place by another,work colleague,sons ex, a mate of hers, whatever, its a constant revolving door, i didnt realise i was fantasizing so much, its as if ive lived a lie for 20 years and my wife thinks im better than i am, i will be having exposure therapy but im scared as it may involve fantasizing and thats my theme,sorry to go on, just dead inside

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I think the one thing to try and identify is the difference between fantasy & obsession and what, in your case, you're experiencing.

It is perfectly normal to admire/fancy another person, even whilst in a long term relationship.  It's not much different to admire a painting on a friends lounge wall & thinking how nice it is  ut you wouldn't necessarily go out and buy the painting, you just admire it.  It's perfectly normal to engage in fantasy/daydream of a sexual nature about them or any other person.  It's perfectly normal for couples to engage in fantasy & role play together.....hence the French Maid, the Fireman outfits etc.  All of these things are normal.

When it becomes abnormal is when you have a harmless fantasy and your OCD starts to worry about it, to obsess about it, to become distressed.  The fantasy remains perfectly ok, it's the obsessing about it that is the problem.....and the subsequent confessing, which is a compulsion.  That's the problem and where your Wife is misunderstanding too.

2 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

How can i move on when i work with my wife and a women i fantasized about, im triggerd all day everyday, i cant see how it will ever disappear when im reminded, the urge to confess is overwhelming 

By trying to learn that your real problem has nothing to do with the woman but is your OCD, that with therapy is treatable.  Treat the OCD and the worry goes.

When do you hope to see a therapist?

 

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