Why does this happen to me?

[Cora]

Firstly, thank you very much for the advice I've been given on my last post. I want you to know that I'm not ignoring it even though it seems like I do. 

I really hope you won't be annoyed and angry with me. 

I have this bad pattern where I don't think about a worry for a period of time but then something happens and the worry is back full force. 

For a long time now I've been afraid that I've harmed my boyfriend's dogs while petting them and playing with them. Many months ago, I had a sexual thought about the oldest dog. I then, as in impulse caused by the thought, went and gave him a stroke. I also had some groinal responses while doing that but didn't think much of it. A couple of days later the same thing happened. 

Yesterday I was playing with the younger dog. While petting him I had some thoughts which looked something like this: "I am feeling a groinal response right now. It feels like I am enjoying it. I should not be petting the dog because the more I do it, the worse the groinal response gets. I should stop it. Or maybe I shouldn't. Fine, I won't stop it." And from there everything fell apart once again. 

I came home and couldn't stop thinking about what happened, having old memories flooding back. And here I am, feeling so ashamed and disgusted because I'm convinced I abused those sweet dogs. So I need to know... have I done something bad? It feels like I have. And you might say that feelings are not facts but what I wrote before this are facts. I need to know if I abused them. 

People run away from their fears. I, however, run towards them, and not as part of ERP. Why did I have to go and pet the dog after having a sexual thought about him? Yes, that's what you're supposed to do but that happened before I was aware of how OCD treatment works so why wasn't my first instinct to hide away? And I keep doing this kind of stuff even to this day - it's like I'm drawn to it. 

I'm extremely angry with myself. I'm tired of playing the abuser game. It's waking up in the morning and guessing/choosing what you're going to be today: a normal person with a normal life or an abuser who has to pretend that has a normal life. And the thing I'm the maddest about is that I keep doing stuff like this and that I don't know why I do it. 

Edited January 27, 2022 by Cora

[Caramoole]

I'm sorry Cora but I'm going to lock this thread and leave you to think about what you can do differently here.  All of this has been covered many times and to let it run is just adding to you heading for com0ulsions to deal with this.  You must look to the things you've discussed with your therapist and here and think about a change in reaction, then we can talk

[Caramoole]

Right Cora, I'm going to temporarily open this thread.....but there will be no reassurance, no answers to "the need to know" bit.  All of the above are situations the same as or similar to ones you have written about many times before.  There have been many descriptions and explanations as to why this happens and the things you should try to change.

I want you to look at what you've written and (based on previous replies) answer yourself as though you were replying to someone else on their thread.  No "yes but, in this instance I actually......" Show us how much you've learned about OCD, how it can manifest and affect someone, what it can make them believe.  Make a list of all the compulsions you've done following the incident.  List the things you need to try to lessen the power of this obsession.  Treat it like one of your Uni assignments, really think it through as dispassionately as you can.

We need to be working on the things you can do to improve and change your distress not just as a compulsion.  If it goes back to confessions, or self-loathing or reassurance seeking then I will lock the thread again.  Let's try and get this moving in the right direction

[Cora]

On 27/01/2022 at 16:27, Caramoole said:

All of the above are situations the same as or similar to ones you have written about many times before.

I agree, what happened was just two of the same, old incidents (or whatever, I don't know what to call them anymore) that I have talked and confessed about so many times before. 

On 27/01/2022 at 16:27, Caramoole said:

There have been many descriptions and explanations as to why this happens and the things you should try to change.

Okay, I'm not trying to be disrespectful, and I do apologise if it seems like it, but the only explanation that has stuck with me as to why these things happen is that they just happen and don't actually mean anything, which is not really an explanation now that I wrote it down. The main idea is that I should give them no meaning other than just normal, daily movements that all people make. And I do understand that. But, I guess, my main concern at this very moment is not what they are or why they happen but rather why they happen so often. 

On 27/01/2022 at 16:27, Caramoole said:

List the things you need to try to lessen the power of this obsession.

I have to accept that this is all OCD - nothing different than what I've said for the past three or so years. I don't dwell on it. I leave it alone and move on. (However, I've done that so many times but then a new thing comes along and the list of the things I think I did wrong gets bigger and harder to deal with.)

[Caramoole]

53 minutes ago, Cora said:

Okay, I'm not trying to be disrespectful, and I do apologise if it seems like it, but the only explanation that has stuck with me as to why these things happen is that they just happen and don't actually mean anything, which is not really an explanation now that I wrote it down

With respect Cora, there are literally hundreds of pages of explanation which have gone in to very great depth & detail but because it hasn't clicked into place and made this stop, you keep looking for more meaning.

 

53 minutes ago, Cora said:

I guess, my main concern at this very moment is not what they are or why they happen but rather why they happen so often. 

53 minutes ago, Cora said:

I don't dwell on it. I leave it alone and move on. (However, I've done that so many times but then a new thing comes along and the list of the things I think I did wrong gets bigger and harder to deal with.)

Again, that's not strictly true.  Yes you put up with it, you try and ignore it but that's not enough.  You constantly use compulsions and that's why it doesn't go away and happens more often.  You've been to two therapists who've ended the sessions because you weren't managing to engage with the therapy.  I can sense your frustration and I know how much anxiety it causes for you, which is why I wish we could just get through to you the importance of changing how you react when these incidents happen

[Cora]

Well, I'm not really sure what to say. I know self loathing is not accepted here but at the moment all of this seems hopeless. 

[Ray]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Well, I'm not really sure what to say. I know self loathing is not accepted here but at the moment all of this seems hopeless. 

Too many people on this forum act like they are therapists practicing ERP and not practicing compassion 

[Cora]

9 minutes ago, Ray said:

Too many people on this forum act like they are therapists practicing ERP and not practicing compassion 

I don't think anyone is acting like they are therapists on here, Ray. 

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Well, I'm not really sure what to say. I know self loathing is not accepted here but at the moment all of this seems hopeless. 

 

The reason we don't support self loathing is that it's actually a compulsion. A sneakily disguised compulsion that convinces people they're 'being good' or 'doing right' by hating themselves, or that not being worthy/ not liking yourself is some kind of justified punishment.

Listen closely to what you're telling yourself and you'll discover the self-loathing is just another way to support your belief that your obsession is true.

You tell yourself : I had a bad thought, that makes me a bad person, but I hate myself for being a bad person so that makes me a little bit less bad (which in your skewed OCD thinking makes it seem more ok to have had the bad thought.)

So self loathing is actually self-reassurance in disguise. A type of self-reassurance which traps you into having to stay a bad person (because you falsely believe only good people never have these kind of thoughts.)

And if you have to stay a bad person (have to keep hating yourself) it prevents you from moving forward and realising that the thought was just a thought and having it meant nothing. It didn't make you a bad person, it didn't warrant loathing yourself, it didn't require any kind of reaction at all.

When you stop indulging in the self-hatred compulsion it frees you up to accept how OCD works, how compulsions keep you stuck and that liking yourself enough to stand up to the OCD is far better than beating yourself up and staying stuck.

All we want here is to see everybody reach recovery to the best of their ability. Many of us have been round the block more times than we can count, have fallen into the self-hatred trap thinking we were doing right by loathing ourselves as much as possible, and stayed stuck for years as a result. Hopefully we can help you see this without you having to suffer years of OCD too.

[Caramoole]

17 minutes ago, Ray said:

Too many people on this forum act like they are therapists practicing ERP and not practicing compassion 

I'm sorry you feel that way about the forum Ray.The charity is one run for sufferers by sufferers, with the aim of promoting and supporting recovery.  I can only speak for myself but I could not support people in a way that I know is detrimental to their well-being

[malina]

4 hours ago, Cora said:

the only explanation that has stuck with me as to why these things happen is that they just happen and don't actually mean anything, which is not really an explanation now that I wrote it down.

I think the reason that you cannot find a satisfactory explanation is because we are viewing things from a fundamentally different perspective. The way I see it is that your behaviour is completely normal and that you haven't done anything wrong. You were doing a normal behaviour, got a weird thought and believed that you needed to stop this normal behaviour as a result of the thought, but decided to continue doing it, which is fine because it was all normal and your weird thoughts are the result of OCD. There is nothing to explain other than the fact that you got some intrusive thoughts and gave them way too much meaning.

You think that something meaningful happened and you want an explanation as to why it happened. But it's impossible for anyone to give you an explanation because the only one who sees this event as meaningful is you.

I'm sorry I don't want to give reassurance with this post but I really can't stress how differently we view these situations and you are in the minority with your interpretation of what is happening. It's like if you were to ask me why the sky was green today, I couldn't possibly explain it to you because I never saw the sky being green, I always saw it as blue. I could tell you that you saw a green sky because something was wrong with your eyes or your view was distorted in some way, but I could never give an explanation about why the sky would turn green. You could protest and be 100% certain that you saw a green sky, it was very real to you, but nobody else saw what you saw. Do you see where I'm going with this?

Also, I hope you know that we have a great deal of compassion with you, I just think people are being quite strict because you have been in a bad place for so long and people want to see you getting better!

 

[Cora]

Thank you very much, @snowbearand @malina! 

13 hours ago, malina said:

The way I see it is that your behaviour is completely normal and that you haven't done anything wrong. You were doing a normal behaviour, got a weird thought and believed that you needed to stop this normal behaviour as a result of the thought, but decided to continue doing it, which is fine because it was all normal and your weird thoughts are the result of OCD. There is nothing to explain other than the fact that you got some intrusive thoughts and gave them way too much meaning.

See, this makes so much sense, but my brain keeps coming up with what ifs and it's terrifying. It's terrifying because I like all the explanations and advice I've received and I don't want to keep looking any more but I feel like I have to which is really stupid. But I'm trying to accept that the what ifs are part of OCD and do not require further explanations.

I guess the solution remains the same. I have to stop trying to understand these things and stop looking for other answers. 

[Caramoole]

7 minutes ago, Cora said:

It's terrifying because I like all the explanations and advice I've received and I don't want to keep looking any more but I feel like I have to

You feel like you have to because of what we call an "Overwhelming Urge".  This happens with all type of OCD variations.....an urge to check on more time, to clean something one more time, to ask for reassurance one more time, to reasearch/look something up one more time, to ruminate/think it through one more time.

It's this area that you need to work on.  Learning to ride that surge of anxiety and doubt when your brain is screaming at you to work it out and find an answer.  This is where you're falling down.

[Cora]

@Caramoole, it's not my intention to look for reassurance but I just had a thought. Some questions and some incidents have answers but some, however, still remain unclear. I'm not sure how to work with them. I'm afraid that because there are no certain answers to them I'll never be able to move on, or if I do, they'll come back and haunt me later in life and it's going to be so much worse than it's now. What would your advice on this be? 

[Caramoole]

59 minutes ago, Cora said:

What would your advice on this be? 

Sadly, it's something that we all have to do in order to move forward   I've said in a few threads over the last few days, you have to accept that OCD creates all for these thoughts and feelings, accept that there is no certainty to be had and you have to settle for probabilty that what you've been told, what appears in every book, every article is a fact.  Then you have to seriously work on those compulsions which is what you struggle to do.  I wish I could offer you an easy solution...or should I say a painless one but it's very testing....but it can be done.  The way you're trying doesn't work....I know you try to struggle on but as long as the compulsions stay, so will the struggle.

Your actions towards your Brother, Mother, Cousin, Boyfriend, dogs, young friends don't need any change bbecause there's nothing needs changing.  As Malina described earlier they are perfect blue sky......to you they're green, because you've conditioned yourself that blue looks like green

[Cora]

Last night I gave in. I told myself I did indeed do bad things. I was angry, upset and confused. I cried and tried to understand why those things happened. I had images and flashbacks of certain incidents. I felt so sick. Now I'm not sure what to do. 

Edited January 31, 2022 by Cora

[Jan111]

@Cora if you told yourself you liked them why were you so upset and distressed? Because you aren’t a bad person. Your a person suffering with OCD. You need to get up and start the day. Play an uplifting podcast, do one thing for your self care, have a healthy breakfast. Start the day right. Get out of your head and into the moment.

[Cora]

I'm not sure what's happening but things seem far from okay. I feel like I want to call someone, maybe the mental health hub in my town, but I'm not sure what to tell them. I'm not sure what's going on. I did a 180 turn in the past two days. 

[Cora]

Can someone please talk to me? I feel horrible...

Edited January 31, 2022 by Cora

[malina]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Can someone please talk to me? I feel horrible...

Hey! Talking to you

Do something to get your mind off this, watch something, read something, talk to your boyfriend. You can get yourself out of this dark place!

[Cora]

Hi malina, 

Thank you so much for replying! 

I've been crying for an hour straight. I talked to my boyfriend and even my mum. I tried to watch something nice but can't really focus. I think I did something really bad today and that's why nothing seems to help. 

[malina]

1 minute ago, Cora said:

Hi malina, 

Thank you so much for replying! 

I've been crying for an hour straight. I talked to my boyfriend and even my mum. I tried to watch something nice but can't really focus. I think I did something really bad today and that's why nothing seems to help. 

It's okay, there are days like this. As horrible as it seems, you will get through it. It may be hard to focus, but it's better than sitting and crying!! I get you though, it's a bit hard to watch or read things when your mind is so full of worries. I guess it's a bit too late to go for a walk. Maybe clean something, that is always a good distraction. Or have a chat with someone but not about this, maybe see how one of your friends is doing. Just do something, anything other than sitting and thinking.

[Cora]

2 minutes ago, malina said:

It's okay, there are days like this. As horrible as it seems, you will get through it. It may be hard to focus, but it's better than sitting and crying!! I get you though, it's a bit hard to watch or read things when your mind is so full of worries. I guess it's a bit too late to go for a walk. Maybe clean something, that is always a good distraction. Or have a chat with someone but not about this, maybe see how one of your friends is doing. Just do something, anything other than sitting and thinking.

Thank you, malina. 

I will try although I do feel incredibly awful and haven't felt like this for a long time. 

[malina]

4 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, malina. 

I will try although I do feel incredibly awful and haven't felt like this for a long time. 

Well just know that you are not alone, Cora. We have your back and we are all rooting for you! So cheer up and fight this!!

[Cora]

Hi @malina, 

Thank you very much for talking to me last night! You helped me calm down a little for the rest of the night. 

I know what my problem is at the moment. It's regret. It's probably not a valid feeling because it's mostly based on things that I think I did. But it's also based on stuff that I did actually do and that I should have definitely not done; for example, giving in and allowing the thoughts to morph into fantasies or allowing myself to enjoy certain feelings - all centered around things I (am supposed to) fear. This regret makes me so angry. Any time I think of those moments, I grind my teeth, feel like crying and get the urge to hit myself. I suppose regret is going to be part of my life for a significant period and I'm wondering how to cope with it.