POCD

[manny2]

hi 

I had a big meltdown yesterday... as doctors say, ocd is the doubting disease and i went banana yesterday night. I have this fear of becoming a pedophile or incest. I went on and off of ''no I am not'' and ''stop being in denial, YOU ARE''. I have bipolar disorder and my last manic episode, I had exposure therapy (for the last time) and I had a script about my ocd to say 10 times a day to expose myself to the thought. I got very happy when I could do it and that excitement turned quickly into mania" And in a manic state I decided that I could do even more than what my doctor recommend for me. I decided that I would masturbate to every single person I had intruisive thoughts about. In my mind I was like : stuff ocd, I am stronger than you. You can imagine how deep I felt when I got out of that episode. Let's just say I ended up in the hospital for a week.

The point is; I forced myself to feel aroused by the thought of my fears (ocd) and it worked. I messed my own brain up. I unwired it literally. And now, I keep looking back at that and wonder if that's what I am actually attracted too? And now I only get arroused when seeing a kid or someone that I used to have intruisive thoughts about. I am still wondering if I am not or if I am in denial.

Edited February 20, 2022 by snowbear
removed swearing/ filter stars

[Xenia the Thundercat]

ouch thats gotta hurt. okay well... don't yoyo, try and get towards a moderate healthy balance of masturbating over adults or at least adolescents most of the time... many psychiatrists think hebophilia and ephebophilia are normal, try to deemphasize the paedo **** but not to the point of obsessionality... avoid anime and waifu pillows, no 4chan please.

[Xenia the Thundercat]

remember you can cultivate your sexuality. it is malleable especially in times of instability... just don't try to micromanage your thoughts at least notwhen you meet too much resistance -- if a thought wants to come up let it arise and pass.

[Xenia the Thundercat]

the most powerful tool is not in your thoughts, but in cultural representations. and you shouldn't go and full on indulge the paedo or incest thoughts... that does tend to wire some really uncomfortable associations. remember, thought gardenning is best done gently

[Saffron37]

1 hour ago, Xenia the Thundercat said:

ouch thats gotta hurt. okay well... don't yoyo, try and get towards a moderate healthy balance of masturbating over adults or at least adolescents most of the time... many psychiatrists think hebophilia and ephebophilia are normal, try to deemphasize the paedo **** but not to the point of obsessionality... avoid anime and waifu pillows, no 4chan please.

Xenia, I appreciate you're trying to help, but these are really unhelpful and possibly harmful comments. Manny's problem is not that he actually is interested in children or relatives sexually, his problem is OCD. And sexuality is not that malleable. You can't force yourself to become gay, or a pedophile, even "accidentally" by masturbating to the object of your anxiety. 

Manny, you haven't messed up your brain. OCD is your problem, not your sexual interests. The body can be involuntarily aroused by just about anything, especially if you're combining it with masturbation (which of course will arouse you), but this does not change your inherent sexuality. Someone can masturbate to paint drying on the wall but it doesn't mean that all of a sudden they have a fetish for home repair!  

[FlyingRocket]

I'm honestly starting to think Xenia is a troll. 

Especially with that last line, who the hell here is going to be browsing 4chan and having anime waifu pillows?