Doubting myself

[Jen_90]

Hello,

I tend to post sporadically as, on the whole, my ocd is under control (thank you sertraline!) however every so often I get something in my head and find it impossible to move past.

I have been with my partner for several years, we live together and very much see a future with each other. Years ago, I was on a night out with friends and drank too much. I was talking to the dj and I remember him being surprised to hear I had a boyfriend (the implication being that I was being flirty/acting as if I was single). Anyway, my memory isn’t the best but I do remember telling my friend I kissed the guy (don’t remember the actual kiss/possibly blocked it out). I also sent my boyfriend a cryptic/indecipherable message about kissing.

Anyway, the next day I told my boyfriend to ignore the message as I was drunk and didn’t know what I was talking about. However, I later told him that I don’t fully recall the night and there’s a chance I could have kissed someone. This is years ago, all forgiven and forgotten.

Anyway, my problem is that I am now questioning whether I did confess or not. I often ‘remember’ things that other people don’t so whose to say I’m not just making things up? Also, I thought I had told my sister about it but she is saying she can’t remember me doing so. Obviously this doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, but I feel like the balance of probability is against me here!

I don’t know what to do and really can’t concentrate on anything else. I want to talk to my boyfriend but this feels cruel- whether he remember me telling him or not, it will just be upsetting to hear.  On the other hand, I feel so guilty and always want to be honest. If I genuinely haven’t told him, then I would want to. I guess my question is whether or not to believe my memory of telling him years ago or not. I’m genuinely worried that I have made up this memory of confessing to alleviate my guilt.

[Benny]

Hi Jen ,

this definitely sounds like OCD !

I find too that I remember things that other people don’t - I think that’s because as someone with OCD , I dwell on things and mentally review / replay events more than most “normal” people. 
I would leave this one well alone Jen - this is an obsession with the compulsion being confession. 

[Xenia the Thundercat]

Oh yikes. I wonder what would happen if you justshowhim this forum post... or go to him crying and gush out all the details of your ocd and ruminating and checking and mangled memories from overthinking, and be really really clear you're just talking about a kiss, and it seems pathetic but you just want to be completely clean and honest, etc. Some people are emotionally inept though and might misunderstand. I wonder if you could institute a set time for open communication... or have a 'cry on my husbands shoulder and have him take care of me' ritual where you could get all this out without judgement or misunderstanding. Bevause if I was your husband I'd want to be able to help you know these things aren't huge issues and you could confess these things... then if they got too minis ule I'd take the micky to put them in proportion lol.

Anyhow it sounds like at the moment you don't have a high enough communication level to do that, so until you've createed on your relationship to do that, you're going to have to take care of these worries yourself. I'm sure you're half anticipating this but i think a bit of reassurance 3vey now and then is fine as lng as it doesnt become ritualized compulsion... you don't have to worry about a possible little kiss years ago... like yes it would be better to never go to nightclubs and get drunk and flirt and kiss, thats how people getentangled inaffairsand corrupted with one night stands... i mean on some level nightclubs are always sociosexual because of the visual display, the sexual nature of the music, and the hip wiggling and stuff of dancing, and the fact people go there to pick up hot birds mate. lol. BUT lots of people do... and a possible little kiss years ago doesn't sound like anything you should be thinking about now. Let it pass and create on your relationship in the present so you can do your duty to be 3motionally stable andwith a strong relationship as a base for raising your children.

[Xenia the Thundercat]

oh yeah and lots of people here have compulsive confessionitis... i think i used to a little but not anymore. i think it only makes sense if your partner understands the procedure and it really can get to the pointwhere people are panicking over things they really can't confess because the act of confession is worse than the act itself eg men with perverted fantasies -- mostly harmless until you creep out and terrorize your wife with them lol. the normal thing to do is not even remember and therefore not confess lol. to not even care. if your all your conscience ever does is underm8ne you maybe it should eat some humble pie from your ego haha.

[Benny]

21 minutes ago, Xenia the Thundercat said:

Oh yikes. I wonder what would happen if you justshowhim this forum post... or go to him crying and gush out all the details of your ocd and ruminating and checking and mangled memories from overthinking, and be really really clear you're just talking about a kiss, and it seems pathetic but you just want to be completely clean and honest, etc. Some people are emotionally inept though and might misunderstand. I wonder if you could institute a set time for open communication... or have a 'cry on my husbands shoulder and have him take care of me' ritual where you could get all this out without judgement or misunderstanding. Bevause if I was your husband I'd want to be able to help you know these things aren't huge issues and you could confess these things... then if they got too minis ule I'd take the micky to put them in proportion lol.

Anyhow it sounds like at the moment you don't have a high enough communication level to do that, so until you've createed on your relationship to do that, you're going to have to take care of these worries yourself. I'm sure you're half anticipating this but i think a bit of reassurance 3vey now and then is fine as lng as it doesnt become ritualized compulsion... you don't have to worry about a possible little kiss years ago... like yes it would be better to never go to nightclubs and get drunk and flirt and kiss, thats how people getentangled inaffairsand corrupted with one night stands... i mean on some level nightclubs are always sociosexual because of the visual display, the sexual nature of the music, and the hip wiggling and stuff of dancing, and the fact people go there to pick up hot birds mate. lol. BUT lots of people do... and a possible little kiss years ago doesn't sound like anything you should be thinking about now. Let it pass and create on your relationship in the present so you can do your duty to be 3motionally stable andwith a strong relationship as a base for raising your children.

Xenia , 

I’m not a moderator or anything and I don’t mean to be rude . It’s obvious you mean well but I can’t see anything helpful in there. ?

Jen is struggling with a confession compulsion- I don’t think she needs someone telling her that she should confess - as your post appears to do ? 
As I say I don’t mean to be rude or make judgments but I felt that your reply wasn’t helpful .

Edited February 21, 2022 by Benny

[Xenia the Thundercat]

oh i don't know maybe you're right. i'm not saying confess. i just think if you have a relationship where that's the norm, your partner could put these things in perspective. but i'm speculating.

but really yeah the thing to emphasize is you shouldn't have to confessand most people would just forget about these things. did you see that at the end?

[Nolightleft]

Hi xenia

Personally i love your left field dry way of writing as i am very much the same in the real word but i can see it being taken the wrong way or being confusing. 

Please dont take offence as i know you are coming from a good place,you said you might have had the confession thing,i dont know if people might wonder if they had it as the confession thing is so bad you feel like you would rather die if you cant confess. 

I think you must of been meaning me when you said men who have perverted fantasies who creep out and terrorize their wives,just words like creep and terrorize could send people with ocd much further down the rabbit whole,i also totally agree with you that most people forget and therefore would have no need to confess. 

In no way am i meaning to insult you, these things have just been playing on my mind, i am grateful for the support you have given me and truly wish you nothing but the best x