Struggling

[Cora]

I'm really struggling this evening. Racing thoughts and feelings. Memories of past incidents. Guilt and shame. All of this and so much more.

Also, and I know this might sound dumb, I can't stop feeling evil. I look around and see normal people but when I look at myself I see someone that's evil. It's so awful. 

[Nora]

Hey Cora, I’m so sorry that you’re struggling so much at the moment!
 

One thing I’m trying at the moment is externalising the OCD, making it a separate entity from myself that bullies me, which means that I am a good person and that the OCD is all the evil stuff! 

Also, I completely get what you mean about looking around and seeing normal people, this used to be almost the worst part of it all for me a while ago, but what helped me was realising that I have no idea about these people and they could / at least some almost definitely are struggling themselves! I’m sure people wouldn’t look at you and know that you’re struggling, so you wouldn’t know it about them either! Realising that always makes me feel better in this regard  

 

I hope some of that helps!

[Cora]

Hi @Nora, 

Thank you so much for your help! I hope you are doing well today. x

[Nolightleft]

I get the same, thinking im evil and everyone else is normal, just more ocd trickery im afaid x

[Cora]

I think I did something really bad. 

This morning my brother was in the bathroom brushing his teeth, and I went in there to get something that was next to the sink. Our bathroom is quite narrow so I was standing really close to him. I really wanted to avoid touching him but something evil happened. I had thoughts that I wanted to touch him and be as close to him as possible and I didn't do anything about it. I let it happen. He touched my hand and I felt like I enjoyed it in a sick way. 

It might sound stupid to you but the feelings and thoughts I was having in that moment were extremely inappropriate so I had to avoid touching him. But I let it happen because I felt like I wanted it to happen. I truly felt that I wanted it to happen for a sexual reason. 

I'm so, so angry. I can't take this **** anymore. I feel sick. All I want is to be normal. Please help me. I feel like a predator. 

[Cora]

I'm also wondering how many more of these incidents have to happen before I give up completely? 

[Caramoole]

Sadly Cora, as long as you try to deal with this in the same way you'll keep experiencing these feelings.  When you're ready to try & change the approach, gradually you'll see some progress.  If you continue to react with compulsions, it just goes on

[Cora]

5 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Sadly Cora, as long as you try to deal with this in the same way you'll keep experiencing these feelings.  When you're ready to try & change the approach, gradually you'll see some progress.  If you continue to react with compulsions, it just goes on

@Caramoole, I've tried to keep myself busy all day (since the incident happened) and my anxiety has calmed down a bit. But as soon as I stop, I immediately remember what happened and have thoughts that I'm a predator. And any time I go into the bathroom, I get these chills and feelings of disgut and shame. I'm trying not to ruminate but I'm failing. I'm really, really sad and angry with myself. 

[Caramoole]

OCD makes people have thoughts like this, that is what the disorder does.  These flashes of anxiety will happen, it's part of the disorder.  These feelings and thoughts won't just disappear because you keep busy.  Keeping occupied helps but if in the background you're going over this in your head, wishing it away, avoiding situations (all compulsions) you just endure it for a few hours, you don't address it.

3 hours ago, Cora said:

It might sound stupid to you but the feelings and thoughts I was having in that moment were extremely inappropriate so I had to avoid touching him. But I let it happen because I felt like I wanted it to happen. I truly felt that I wanted it to happen for a sexual reason. 

The thoughts you describe were NOT "extremely inappropriate"........they FELT inappropriate because of OCD.  Nor did you have to avoid touching him.  You could have jokingly slapped him on the bum and said "Oye you, shift your bum, I need to get through" but at the moment you're not accepting or believing that OCD is the cause.  You demonstrate that in your last two sentences.  Coming on the forum to write details of the intrusive thoughts and feelings is another compulsion.  Coming to the forum to say you're having a horrid day, to say you're struggling, to get tips is fine.......using it for compulsions is counter-productive.  It's what you do after the intrusive thought that's important......you're still panicking, reacting and treating it as "real" instead of thinking "There it goes again, another intrusive thought......breathe, I don't like it but I know what it is, got to work on those reactions" instead of heading to report how evil you are.  You have to find that acceptance that you are suffering from OCD and that these thoughts, fears and feelings are a product of the disorder, horrible, scary but nothing sinister

[malina]

Hey Cora,

have you done anything to get help? I think that it's going to take work to find the right therapist and you also may have to wait for a while, so there isn't much time to waste. It sounds like you're struggling a lot and posting on this forum alone isn't going to help. You really need to start getting some treatment. You can do this Cora, but you have got to start taking some steps!

[Cora]

Hi @malina, 

I'm sorry but I haven't done anything to get help other than increase my medication. 

@Caramooleand @malina, I'm so so sorry to bother you but something happened earlier. As I was leaving my boyfriend's house, I went to say goodbye to his parents and dog. The dog started jumping and his paws were on my groinal area at one point. I started having so very strong sexual feelings and even though I wanted to move his paws away I couldn't - it felt like half of me didn't want to (because of sick reasons) and half was just frozen and couldn't do anything about it. I'm sorry if this sounds dumb (as I'm asking it even after so much time and advice) but how do I deal with this? This reminds me very much of the same incident as my little cousin when his feet were on my groinal area and I let them rest there for longer than someone else would and it felt like I was enjoying it. 

On 08/03/2022 at 13:09, Caramoole said:

There it goes again, another intrusive thought......breathe, I don't like it but I know what it is, got to work on those reactions" instead of heading to report how evil you are.  You have to find that acceptance that you are suffering from OCD and that these thoughts, fears and feelings are a product of the disorder, horrible, scary but nothing sinister

Is this what I do even though it involves a real action? 

Again, I'm very sorry for everything. 

[Caramoole]

48 minutes ago, Cora said:

Is this what I do even though it involves a real action? 

This has been answered a thousand times Cora, for I don't know how many questions, which is why I'm loathe to keep answering but the answer is Yes.  It's yes to every single variation of thought, feeling, sensation, doubt, fear....the answer is Yes

[malina]

Cora,

I'm so sorry but I'm not going to reply to your post. You don't have anything to apologise for but I don't want to be in this loop with you where you are desparately asking for reassurance. You are trying to solve a propblem in a way that doesn't work, it's making your life so much worse and I don't want to encourage that. I hope you can understand, I really want you to get better!

So instead of this, I am going to ask what step you think you can take towards getting help?

[Cora]

Thank you, @Caramoole and @malina. 

2 hours ago, malina said:

So instead of this, I am going to ask what step you think you can take towards getting help?

I think the best thing I can do is to call IAPT myself. I missed my appointment with them and now I have to start the process again. I would much rather prefer to work with someone privately but that is not an option at the moment. 

[Dakagraphics-David]

Acceptance... Blind Acceptance of the way we are today... When we talk to ourselves, and we all do, we need to speak in the same tone as we would, to our very best friend. Because, at the end of the day, sometimes ourselves is the only real friend we have got...