One thing after another

[Jen_90]

Hello,

Things have been good for a couple of years (I'm on medication) however recently I've become fixated on worries again. I posted on here recently about something. Once I had dealt with that worry (by confessing, which I know I shouldn't have) things felt better. I then got fixated on something else (also related to confessing), which I only stopped worrying about when I found messages on my old phone that confirmed I had already confessed about this particular thing.

Anyway, I am now worried about something else. These worries have all been related to my relationship (it's worth pointing out that I am in a very happy, secure relationship, and I think part of the reason for these worries is because it would be so devastating if it ended).

Long story short, I am obsessing over whether my partner could have had an affair with his friend. This all boils down to a comment she made about how supportive he was when she was going through a break up and that they went on walks together. At the time, it felt a little strange that I wasn't aware of this given we live together (and, given the past couple of years of semi lockdown, we've pretty much been living in each other's pockets!). I'm not at all worried about him going for walks/hanging out with his female friend, it was the fact that he hadn't mentioned it. I put it out of my mind, although it did later come up and I sought reassurance from my sister. It then came up again (a few days ago) and it really won't shift. My sister has been reassuring and supportive (she knows about my anxiety) but I just can't let it go. I haven't been able to focus on work and almost feel 'pre-emptively' heartbroken.

I ended up raising it with him last night. I started by 'subtly' bringing up the conversation, trying to get a feel for when these walks may have happened. I mentioned something like 'she said you went on walks together' and he said 'that could have happened'. I then went onto tell him how my anxiety had been flaring up and that there were various things I was worried about. Ultimately I looked for reassurance about the walks (i.e. why he hadn't told me). He then said that he doesn't think the walks actually happened. I said this was a weird thing for her to make up and he responded with an understandably frustrated 'you can believe what you want to believe'.

It's hard to convey this in writing but, for some context, my anxiety has previously caused issues in my relationship. I also understand why he would not fully engage in this conversation (given it is quite accusatory). Equally, my brain just won't let this go. It is sapping every source of joy from my life and I just can't see a way of it getting better.

[Jen_90]

I'm sorry for posting again but I feel I'm getting contradictory advice- my sister tells me it's my anxiety whereas another friend says I have a right to be annoyed. 

My sister is encouraging me to go back to my therapist. I'm tempted to book an appointment even though it's so expensive (and feels so indulgent given I've been 'better' for so long.

[snowbear]

12 hours ago, Jen_90 said:

 I just can't let it go. I haven't been able to focus on work and almost feel 'pre-emptively' heartbroken.

My sister is encouraging me to go back to my therapist

I think your sister is right about you going back to a therapist. Feeling premptively heartbroken (been there, know exactly what you mean!)  isn't a normal reaction and suggests OCD has got a grip on your thinking again.

 

12 hours ago, Jen_90 said:

he responded with an understandably frustrated 'you can believe what you want to believe'.

Annoying as that response must be, maybe it comes from a history of being badgered for reassurance and not believing the reassurance when you get it?

Living with someone who has OCD can be almost as hard as having OCD. It takes its toll.

12 hours ago, Jen_90 said:

my brain just won't let this go. It is sapping every source of joy from my life and I just can't see a way of it getting better.

Ultimately this is where you need to focus. If not letting it go is making you unhappy then the obvious choice is you need to let it go.

If you 'can't' let it go because OCD demands you resolve it, the treat the OCD. Simple.

[Jen_90]

Thank you so much for responding. I'm starting to feel a bit better but still keep catching myself out (e.g. why did his story change? Why did he not answer in a more straightforward way? Why would this girl make up the walks?'). But equally I've had reassurance from two people and my sister has even offered to pay for my therapy (I won't take her up on this but it's so kind) which I suppose points to OCD. 

 

[Jen_90]

On 10/03/2022 at 09:29, Jen_90 said:

I mentioned something like 'she said you went on walks together' and he said 'that could have happened'. I then went onto tell him how my anxiety had been flaring up and that there were various things I was worried about. Ultimately I looked for reassurance about the walks (i.e. why he hadn't told me). He then said that he doesn't think the walks actually happened

If I was to check why his story changed would that be reasonable or a compulsion? 

I do plan to contact my therapist but I am worried this isn't OCD and that I should feel suspicious. I mean I would assume someone having an affair would keep their story straight but what if he thought he could get away with me thinking they were on walks and then changed the story when I asked further questions?