I am really struggling

[Wanderer]

26 minutes ago, Cora said:

@malinaand @Caramoole, I'm sorry to bother you but I'm struggling this morning.

I'm starting to believe that I'm acting on small thoughts and urges. For example, if I stand too close to my dad or if I bend over to pick something up and he is behind me or if my hand is too close to my mum's back while I'm trying to put something in the recycling bin, I get thoughts that I'm doing something wrong or that I'm doing it for a sick reason. Well, I have moments where I stop and distance myself, make sure dad is not behind me when I bend over and that my hand is nowhere near my mum while I'm putting something in the bin. But I also have moments where I don't stop myself and simply carry on with it. I just let my body be where it initially was. But that feels wrong. 

It has been happening every day lately. And not just at home. At work too. Or when I get brother from school too. If a child is standing too close to me and if I get an inappropriate thought, I almost feel evil and simply don't do anything, I don't move a single muscle. 

I understand that therapy teaches you that by not doing these compulsions (move your body, hand, make sure you keep the 'right' distance) you get better. But the reason I feel it's wrong in this case is the evilness I feel when I don't do these things (compulsions). What I'm trying to say is that I don't do these compulsions because I know that way I'll get better, but because there's a weird, evil feeling behind it. 

As I said, it happens more and more frequently, maybe even three or four times a day, and I don't know why. Am I actually acting on thoughts and urges? 

Sorry to hear you're struggling, Cora. I always find mornings are the most difficult part of the day. 

What you're feeling, in my experience, is typical OCD. The good news is, logically, I think you realise what you need to do to start feeling better. It might feel 'wrong' to just keep your hand there, but that's all part of the fear and it's not proportional. It's hugely overblown. Stick at it and you will get better.

As for uni, I'd enquire with your course admin RE your options. I'm not sure on the student finance situation, but I know that, say, if you're enrolled on a 3 year B.A. course, your uni will actually enrol you for 6, incase you need to take breaks. I'm sure things can be arranged with Student Finance. 

But, having said that, I think throwing yourself into your studies could be a good mechanism to help your recovery. I know it's difficult, but I find my uni work (I'm a PhD student and even though I lose interest in everything when I'm anxious, I find doing some reading therapeutic sometimes). Appreciate my OCD is a bit different to yours.

Don't give up, you're doing great.

 

[malina]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

@malinaand @Caramoole, I'm sorry to bother you but I'm struggling this morning.

I'm starting to believe that I'm acting on small thoughts and urges. For example, if I stand too close to my dad or if I bend over to pick something up and he is behind me or if my hand is too close to my mum's back while I'm trying to put something in the recycling bin, I get thoughts that I'm doing something wrong or that I'm doing it for a sick reason. Well, I have moments where I stop and distance myself, make sure dad is not behind me when I bend over and that my hand is nowhere near my mum while I'm putting something in the bin. But I also have moments where I don't stop myself and simply carry on with it. I just let my body be where it initially was. But that feels wrong. 

It has been happening every day lately. And not just at home. At work too. Or when I get brother from school too. If a child is standing too close to me and if I get an inappropriate thought, I almost feel evil and simply don't do anything, I don't move a single muscle. 

I understand that therapy teaches you that by not doing these compulsions (move your body, hand, make sure you keep the 'right' distance) you get better. But the reason I feel it's wrong in this case is the evilness I feel when I don't do these things (compulsions). What I'm trying to say is that I don't do these compulsions because I know that way I'll get better, but because there's a weird, evil feeling behind it. 

As I said, it happens more and more frequently, maybe even three or four times a day, and I don't know why. Am I actually acting on thoughts and urges? 

Hey Cora,

I'm really sorry but I'm not going to reply to these kinds of posts anymore. In a lot of ways, I think posting on this forum is making your condition worse because you have a place to confess/seek reassurance and you get instant relief and that actually prevents you from doing the things you need to do to get better. But if you need any help/advice with something constructive that will actually help you, like getting therapy, I'm always here!

[Caramoole]

53 minutes ago, malina said:

Hey Cora,

I'm really sorry but I'm not going to reply to these kinds of posts anymore. In a lot of ways, I think posting on this forum is making your condition worse because you have a place to confess/seek reassurance and you get instant relief and that actually prevents you from doing the things you need to do to get better. But if you need any help/advice with something constructive that will actually help you, like getting therapy, I'm always here!

Like Malina, I'm not happy to give explanations to these types of questions as in one form or another, they've been explained so many times and now just stand to support your compulsions.

I'm really sorry you're struggling & continue to urge you to seek well-qualified, professional treatment, preferably (in your case) face to face rather than any online therapy.

You can get better but only when you're ready to follow the recommendations.  Sadly, you can't wait for it to "click into place" first, you have to move forward in the face of doubt

[Dakagraphics-David]

Reassurance will never work... It is totally counterproductive... A sticking plaster over a gaping wound... Reassurance, as much as we naturally go in search of it, just doesn't work. I don't know why, it just doesn't.  In our time on this planet, the good deeds we do, and the good things about us as individuals vastly outnumber any faults we perceive ourselves to have. But society doesn't look at our strengths... It is all about trying to improve on our weaknesses, which is actually a stupid thing to do. In school we were expected to be good at all our subjects. My younger sister had eight A levels... I wasn't allowed to do more than a  basic 5, CSE's, so I was downgraded before I started. But no one can be good at everything, or indeed be perfect. Regardless of what our schoolteachers told us. We di well in the subjects where we liked the teacher, and the teacher just happened to like us. And a lot of the teachers I came across may have known a lot about their subjects, but, ability to teach? No. No. My teachers were ****. At nursing school I tried project 2000. It got scrapped, cos quite simply, it was total rubbish. Any way, reassurance from someone else usually means they are after something. An ulterior motive. A hidden agenda, if you like.

If we take time to consider our own good points, and we all have them, including you, Cora, then we can begin to praise ourselves for the unique goodness that is in all of us... Self praise, Self talk, the way we talk to our best friends, actually works... We all have our own unique place in the world. Cora, both you and I have an absolute right to do things wrong sometimes. We all have a 'history'.  Okay, something went wrong, and I would hazard a guess that, what I did wrong in healthcare, is a damn sight more wrong than anything you could ever have done... I'm in my mid sixties, and I have done a lot of things wrong in that time. Letting go is an acquired skill... But letting go of it all, maybe just the thing we both need to do right now... I'll try if you will too... Shall we start, Now..?

David

Edited March 22, 2022 by Dakagraphics-David

[Caramoole]

The only problem with this is that we're not talking about wrong-doing but the doubt experienced with OCD.  That's the crux of the problem

[Dakagraphics-David]

Maybe... Just maybe, there are things we can never find the solution to. Perhaps it is taken out of our hands because, as mere humans, we will tend to have a lack of understanding of how it all works... A lot of scientific theory of how our minds work, would be baffling, but we know the feelings generated by a warm sunny day. Sure, vitamin D may help, produced when our skin is exposed to sunlight, but we tend to just feel a little brighter, when the weather is doing the same. Hearing a favourite song, isn't linked to an ability to read music notation. Babies and children seem to be able to just get on with things, without looking at the detail too much. A book that comes to mind here is 'Don't sweat the small stuff', by a Richard Carlson. It is available quite cheaply, and in his title, he actually suggests that 'everything, It's all small stuff'.  I must get a copy of my own. It's not just Ocd based, it covers a lot of other stuff as well.

David

[Caramoole]

All very interesting but it's not going to help Cora in real terms

[snowbear]

4 hours ago, Dakagraphics-David said:

A book that comes to mind here is 'Don't sweat the small stuff', by a Richard Carlson. It is available quite cheaply, and in his title, he actually suggests that 'everything, It's all small stuff'.  I must get a copy of my own. It's not just Ocd based, it covers a lot of other stuff as well.

Perhaps it will help you with that other stuff you mention, David.

But the problem for most people with OCD is they don't consider their obsessions to be 'small stuff'. Rather it's seen as disproportionately 'BIG' and 'IMPORTANT' so that they struggle not to engage with it. (Even though those looking on can see it's small stuff and nonsense.)

I don't think a book like that is going to help someone like Cora at this stage in her illness/ recovery.

[Dakagraphics-David]

Do any of you have a viable suggestion of what will help Cora? If so, it sure hasn't happened yet, has it?

[snowbear]

15 minutes ago, Dakagraphics-David said:

Do any of you have a viable suggestion of what will help Cora? If so, it sure hasn't happened yet, has it?

She's been given loads of viable suggestions, hours of support, and plenty of good advice. Check out any number of previous threads.

What's been lacking is her ability to apply what she's been told. We understand that too- it's hard. What she needs is CBT with a good therapist who can support and guide her through the behavioural changes she needs to make so she can get back to her studies and minimise the damage this is doing to her life.

 

[Cora]

I just want to say that I'm sorry for what others have said regarding bullying and treating people on the forum badly. The forum has literally saved my life. All I've received was help, support, amazing advice, understanding and love. Again, I'm sorry. 

Edited March 23, 2022 by Cora

[Ashley]

Thank you for saying that Cora.  Try not to worry, we all know this was not of your making.  Stay strong   If you want a chat I am around today. I have emailed you.

[Cora]

7 minutes ago, Ashley said:

Thank you for saying that Cora.  Try not to worry, we all know this was not of your making.  Stay strong   If you want a chat I am around today. I have emailed you.

Thank you very much, Ashley! 

[malina]

2 hours ago, Cora said:

I just want to say that I'm sorry for what others have said regarding bullying and treating people on the forum badly. The forum has literally saved my life. All I've received was help, support, amazing advice, understanding and love. Again, I'm sorry. 

Hey Cora,

I'm not really sure what you're talking about with bullying or treating people badly. I hope you're ok!

[Cora]

1 hour ago, malina said:

Hey Cora,

I'm not really sure what you're talking about with bullying or treating people badly. I hope you're ok!

Hi malina, 

Someone on the forum made an accusation of bullying on my behalf. I, of course, don't agree with that. You can have a look at the thread named "Bullying on Cora's thread?' if you want. 

 

Edited March 23, 2022 by Cora

[malina]

3 hours ago, Cora said:

Hi malina, 

Someone on the forum made an accusation of bullying on my behalf. I, of course, don't agree with that. You can have a look at the thread named "Bullying on Cora's thread?' if you want. 

 

You don't have anything to apologise for, Cora. I think it can just be tough sometimes, we are all here because of a shared problem and not many of us are actually trained to help anyone else. Plus everything being in writing makes it difficult to infer someone's tone or intentions. So I think emotions can just run high somtimes and misunderstandings happen. I'm always worried that I sound angry or harsh, so I hope you don't take it that way. I think we are all just trying to find a way to get our message through to you and being blunt is sometimes just the way. Anyway, don't worry too much, you are not to blame for anything!

[seracat]

On 21/03/2022 at 21:17, Cora said:

Unfortunately, that is not possible. You are only allowed to borrow money from the student finance for up to four years and because I had to repeat the second year this is now my forth year - if I took a break and went next year, I would have to pay myself but I simply don't have that money. But there's also the thing with my parents. I know for sure that they would be completely disappointed and extremely upset if I ever told them that I wanted to take break - I tried that before during my (first) second year when I was struggling as bad as I currently am and they just said "No, it's not happening!".

You can apply to Student Finance for additional funding on the basis of Compelling Personal Reasons (CPR). I did this successfully a couple of years ago. 

The finance team at your university should be able to advise you. Hope this helps! 

Edited March 23, 2022 by seracat

[Cora]

On 23/03/2022 at 23:56, seracat said:

You can apply to Student Finance for additional funding on the basis of Compelling Personal Reasons (CPR). I did this successfully a couple of years ago. 

The finance team at your university should be able to advise you. Hope this helps! 

Thank you very much for this information, @seracat. I did not know this so it is very helpful. 

On 23/03/2022 at 20:03, malina said:

I'm always worried that I sound angry or harsh, so I hope you don't take it that way.

I never do, @malina, because I know you want the best for me. 

On 22/03/2022 at 09:23, Wanderer said:

Sorry to hear you're struggling, Cora. I always find mornings are the most difficult part of the day. 

What you're feeling, in my experience, is typical OCD. The good news is, logically, I think you realise what you need to do to start feeling better. It might feel 'wrong' to just keep your hand there, but that's all part of the fear and it's not proportional. It's hugely overblown. Stick at it and you will get better.

As for uni, I'd enquire with your course admin RE your options. I'm not sure on the student finance situation, but I know that, say, if you're enrolled on a 3 year B.A. course, your uni will actually enrol you for 6, incase you need to take breaks. I'm sure things can be arranged with Student Finance. 

But, having said that, I think throwing yourself into your studies could be a good mechanism to help your recovery. I know it's difficult, but I find my uni work (I'm a PhD student and even though I lose interest in everything when I'm anxious, I find doing some reading therapeutic sometimes). Appreciate my OCD is a bit different to yours.

Don't give up, you're doing great.

 

Thank you very much for this, @Wanderer. I really appreciate it! 

[Cora]

I've had a rough couple of days. I'm not sure if anyone will believe me when I say this, but lately I've been experiencing a few things that are quite disturbing.

I get these feelings of real attraction towards children and teenagers. When I have to pick up my brother from school, those feelings are always centered around certain children and it feels 100% real. I know that if didn't feel real, I wouldn't have a problem, but here we are talking about sexual and romantic attraction towards very young children. 

I've also been struggling with this massive urge to look and even stare at teenagers. For example, if I'm at the bus station in the morning and I see someone that looks like a teenager, or someone who is in a school uniform, I want to and have to look at them. And when I do, I get this weird feeling that I enjoy looking at them. 

And the last thing is that if and when I'm bored, I feel like I want to watch inappropriate and illegal content about children. Sometimes I get this massive urge to do it and I immediately go on youtube - I press the tab in such a rush and with such excitement, and I find it very hard to control it. I know I'm not going to find anything on youtube but the fact that I'm going there as soon as I get the urge makes me feel sick and worried. 

I'm struggling because I feel like a creep every hour of the day. 

[Caramoole]

And what are you looking up on youtube?

[Cora]

1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

And what are you looking up on youtube?

Nothing, I'm just scrolling. I'm not looking up anything specific. I just go there as soon as I have the urge thinking I'll find something even though I don't want to find anything. 

Edited March 28, 2022 by Cora

[Cora]

4 hours ago, Cora said:

Nothing, I'm just scrolling. I'm not looking up anything specific. I just go there as soon as I have the urge thinking I'll find something even though I don't want to find anything. 

I did something really bad, didn't I? 

In my head it looks like I acted on an urge. I really don't know why I did that... 

Edited March 29, 2022 by Cora

[Cora]

Please, can anyone help me? 

[snowbear]

8 hours ago, Cora said:

I did something really bad, didn't I? 

In my head it looks like I acted on an urge.

You did a compulsion. Not the way to recover from OCD, but not 'bad'.

The 'urge' you acted on was the compulsion urge, not anything sexual.

Compulsions are very compelling! That's why they can be hard to resist.

They are easier to resist if you have a resistance plan in place. It's a good idea for your plan to include something to do as well as something else to think about so you can get busy doing that instead of having idle  hands and a busy brain and googling stuff.

[Cora]

18 minutes ago, snowbear said:

You did a compulsion. Not the way to recover from OCD, but not 'bad'.

The 'urge' you acted on was the compulsion urge, not anything sexual.

Compulsions are very compelling! That's why they can be hard to resist.

They are easier to resist if you have a resistance plan in place. It's a good idea for your plan to include something to do as well as something else to think about so you can get busy doing that instead of having idle  hands and a busy brain and googling stuff.

Thank you so very much for this explanation, snowbear. I really appreciate it! 

I have one question. Was it still a compulsion even though I wasn't aware I was doing a compulsion at that time?