Still don’t understand ?

[Rosie01]

I keep getting sexual feelings towards my own dad and I hate it, I feel so sick. I have my own partner and I feel like I’m betraying him in a way I just want to tell him what I’m going through but I can’t because he’d think I’m a complete and utter weirdo, I’m so sorry I just don’t know how to handle this I know its ocd and I try to reason with myself that its ocd but its The fact I know others wouldn’t understand if I told them x

[Saffron37]

Hey Rosie.  I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. <hug> It's horrible to go through the type of emotions that OCD creates. Please try to be compassionate and patient with yourself and remember that OCD is a mental disorder--the only thing the intrusive thoughts about your Dad shows is that you really, really don't want to be sexual with your family! OCD always picks on what we care about most or what we'd find most upsetting/disgusting, which is why loving parents might get intrusive thoughts about harming their children, etc. Please try to remember that.

As for your partner or anyone else you want to tell about your OCD, perhaps he could read a book on the topic? I really like Brain Lock, I think it does a great job conveying what OCD is really all about.  Is your partner the type of person who would support you if he understood what was going on?

 

[Rosie01]

1 hour ago, Saffron37 said:

Hey Rosie.  I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. <hug> It's horrible to go through the type of emotions that OCD creates. Please try to be compassionate and patient with yourself and remember that OCD is a mental disorder--the only thing the intrusive thoughts about your Dad shows is that you really, really don't want to be sexual with your family! OCD always picks on what we care about most or what we'd find most upsetting/disgusting, which is why loving parents might get intrusive thoughts about harming their children, etc. Please try to remember that.

As for your partner or anyone else you want to tell about your OCD, perhaps he could read a book on the topic? I really like Brain Lock, I think it does a great job conveying what OCD is really all about.  Is your partner the type of person who would support you if he understood what was going on?

 

Hi saffron thank you for your replyI’ve lost so much weight since this has been going on and I feel like I don’t deserve anybody good in my life, I really do try to reason that it’s just ocd but then it’s The ocd feeling of will it ever get better that comes back into my head  I want to be okay I really do I’m just so scared. I want to feel like I love life again and enjoy my life again, i feel like I’m ruining my partners life too with my ocd. I know my partner wouldn’t understand if I told him and I don’t feel like his willing too but I just really need him at the momentI can usually control it and not let it get the better of me but today it’s like that’s gone out of the window. I’m not sure how long it takes for medication to help ocd but it’s not really helping at the moment and I really hope it does start to workit sets my anxiety and depression off so badly xx

[alexrahali]

16 minutes ago, Rosie01 said:

Hi saffron thank you for your replyI’ve lost so much weight since this has been going on and I feel like I don’t deserve anybody good in my life, I really do try to reason that it’s just ocd but then it’s The ocd feeling of will it ever get better that comes back into my head  I want to be okay I really do I’m just so scared. I want to feel like I love life again and enjoy my life again, i feel like I’m ruining my partners life too with my ocd. I know my partner wouldn’t understand if I told him and I don’t feel like his willing too but I just really need him at the momentI can usually control it and not let it get the better of me but today it’s like that’s gone out of the window. I’m not sure how long it takes for medication to help ocd but it’s not really helping at the moment and I really hope it does start to workit sets my anxiety and depression off so badly xx

Rosie, to be honest with you, if your partner doesn’t understand that’s OK, but when he isn’t willing to understand? You should probably re-evaluate your position in you two’s relationship. I know you might not be able to right now, but, setting up a support network might help give you a bit of a confidence boost?

If all else goes out the window and you wish not to take my above advice, try and get medication. If it works for you, you’ll have a much better grasp of things. Depending on your age, your GP might be able to prescribe it, but from experience with my GP, they only prescribe tricyclics, which isn’t all that bad, until you realise, the only one effective for OCD is clomipramine. Then again, I wouldn’t know how the process works now, I haven’t been with them in a long time, my situation is way out of scope for them.

[Rosie01]

10 minutes ago, alexrahali said:

Rosie, to be honest with you, if your partner doesn’t understand that’s OK, but when he isn’t willing to understand? You should probably re-evaluate your position in you two’s relationship. I know you might not be able to right now, but, setting up a support network might help give you a bit of a confidence boost?

If all else goes out the window and you wish not to take my above advice, try and get medication. If it works for you, you’ll have a much better grasp of things. Depending on your age, your GP might be able to prescribe it, but from experience with my GP, they only prescribe tricyclics, which isn’t all that bad, until you realise, the only one effective for OCD is clomipramine. Then again, I wouldn’t know how the process works now, I haven’t been with them in a long time, my situation is way out of scope for them.

I know I feel so heartbroken in that situation anyway, but I feel like if he goes I will be so suicidal, I’m feeling suicidal anyway over these thoughts and I was doing so well. I just feel like I need support and I’m not getting any, it’s me making all the effort and I’m struggling badly with a mental illness!! It doesn’t make sense, I feel like I can’t even walk or talk and I’m on medication. I’m not on Clomipramine I’m on an SSRI and it’s only been a couple of weeks but it’s my ocd that makes me feel depressed and gives me anxiety, I feel like I could sleep for days

Will it ever get better? I’m at the stage now where I’m mentally so exhausted I can’t function properly.

[Me-Myself-and OCD]

4 hours ago, Rosie01 said:

I know I feel so heartbroken in that situation anyway, but I feel like if he goes I will be so suicidal, I’m feeling suicidal anyway over these thoughts and I was doing so well. I just feel like I need support and I’m not getting any, it’s me making all the effort and I’m struggling badly with a mental illness!! It doesn’t make sense, I feel like I can’t even walk or talk and I’m on medication. I’m not on Clomipramine I’m on an SSRI and it’s only been a couple of weeks but it’s my ocd that makes me feel depressed and gives me anxiety, I feel like I could sleep for days

Will it ever get better? I’m at the stage now where I’m mentally so exhausted I can’t function properly.

Firstly, I'm sending hugs in your direction. As we all know OCD can be beyond cruel at times, and feeling somewhat unsupported by, or unable to talk to those closest to you often just adds to the upset. I had an OCD related breakdown in 2018, which at the time I thought would never end and I couldn't see a way out, or how things would ever get better. I was stuck in a trap of continuous intrusive thoughts, rumination and other compulsions, trying to micro manage my every thought and I was in 24/7 fight or flight mode. I lost a ridiculous amount of weight, was constantly being sick from the stress and I barely slept. On the occasions that I did I soon woke from nightmares, soaked in sweat and in a state of severe anxiety. I couldn't spend time with loved ones, as I was unable to communicate clearly, and I didn't want to see anyone because of the guilt/shame that I attached to it all. This went on for a while.... but.... things got better and they continue to get better. Do I still have intrusive thoughts, yes! Do I still ruminate at times and carry out certain compulsions, yes! But can I now go about living my life without feeling completely trapped by OCD, also yes! When you're up against it, it's so hard to believe things will improve, but they do and they will. It takes time, patience and continued effort but you will get there. The most important thing you can do right now, is be kind to yourself. You didn't choose to be in the position you are, so don't treat yourself with anything other than compassion. Treat yourself the way you would a best friend who was going through the same experience. 

I'm only sharing my above experience because I wanted to let you know that however bad you may be feeling, things can and will get better. 

Other than medication, may I ask what support you have had so far and what techniques you use to help manage OCD?

[Rosie01]

17 minutes ago, Me-Myself-and OCD said:

Firstly, I'm sending hugs in your direction. As we all know OCD can be beyond cruel at times, and feeling somewhat unsupported by, or unable to talk to those closest to you often just adds to the upset. I had an OCD related breakdown in 2018, which at the time I thought would never end and I couldn't see a way out, or how things would ever get better. I was stuck in a trap of continuous intrusive thoughts, rumination and other compulsions, trying to micro manage my every thought and I was in 24/7 fight or flight mode. I lost a ridiculous amount of weight, was constantly being sick from the stress and I barely slept. On the occasions that I did I soon woke from nightmares, soaked in sweat and in a state of severe anxiety. I couldn't spend time with loved ones, as I was unable to communicate clearly, and I didn't want to see anyone because of the guilt/shame that I attached to it all. This went on for a while.... but.... things got better and they continue to get better. Do I still have intrusive thoughts, yes! Do I still ruminate at times and carry out certain compulsions, yes! But can I now go about living my life without feeling completely trapped by OCD, also yes! When you're up against it, it's so hard to believe things will improve, but they do and they will. It takes time, patience and continued effort but you will get there. The most important thing you can do right now, is be kind to yourself. You didn't choose to be in the position you are, so don't treat yourself with anything other than compassion. Treat yourself the way you would a best friend who was going through the same experience. 

I'm only sharing my above experience because I wanted to let you know that however bad you may be feeling, things can and will get better. 

Other than medication, may I ask what support you have had so far and what techniques you use to help manage OCD?

I know ocd is as i label it a bully in my head. I get worried about not thinking about these thoughts even when they go because I hate the idea of being out of control, your story is so inspiring though every story of success really does give me hope. I’ve tried a couple of SSRI’s so I’m scared that’s not going to work but the medication really is for the anxiety attacks and the depression that comes along with my ocd. How did you get out of the constant cycle of ruminating and ocd intrusive thoughts taking over your life? I think the only thing taking my mind off this is colouring but when it’s really bad I just wait for each day to pass to see when things will get better. 
 

As for support i am engaging in CBT however I’m not to sure if it’s helping but it is still early days. I think knowing other people go through the same things it does give me a lot of comfort. Do you know if sexual thoughts about family members is a common theme in ocd?

[alexrahali]

24 minutes ago, Rosie01 said:

I know ocd is as i label it a bully in my head. I get worried about not thinking about these thoughts even when they go because I hate the idea of being out of control, your story is so inspiring though every story of success really does give me hope. I’ve tried a couple of SSRI’s so I’m scared that’s not going to work but the medication really is for the anxiety attacks and the depression that comes along with my ocd. How did you get out of the constant cycle of ruminating and ocd intrusive thoughts taking over your life? I think the only thing taking my mind off this is colouring but when it’s really bad I just wait for each day to pass to see when things will get better. 

Are the SSRIs working for you? The way I’ve found to gauge their effectiveness is in the side effects they produce, since we do not notice their effectiveness while they start working in the initial stages.

[Rosie01]

11 minutes ago, alexrahali said:

Are the SSRIs working for you? The way I’ve found to gauge their effectiveness is in the side effects they produce, since we do not notice their effectiveness while they start working in the initial stages.

I’m not to sure if it’s working at the mo, i do think it helps depression massively But then the ocd brings on my anxiety and depression anyway so it’s a vicious circle really. Been told Clomipramine is the gold standard medication I just don’t fancy the side effects but maybe that may be the only option? With SSRI’s I’m always up and down on them. 

[Me-Myself-and OCD]

4 minutes ago, Rosie01 said:

I know ocd is as i label it a bully in my head. I get worried about not thinking about these thoughts even when they go because I hate the idea of being out of control, your story is so inspiring though every story of success really does give me hope. I’ve tried a couple of SSRI’s so I’m scared that’s not going to work but the medication really is for the anxiety attacks and the depression that comes along with my ocd. How did you get out of the constant cycle of ruminating and ocd intrusive thoughts taking over your life? I think the only thing taking my mind off this is colouring but when it’s really bad I just wait for each day to pass to see when things will get better. 
 

As for support i am engaging in CBT however I’m not to sure if it’s helping but it is still early days. I think knowing other people go through the same things it does give me a lot of comfort. Do you know if sexual thoughts about family members is a common theme in ocd?

As far as intrusive thoughts are concerned, NOTHING is off the table. They come in all forms! Of the people I know with OCD, which isn't that many, a handful of them have experienced sexual thoughts about family members, including their parents. So on that basis, I would say it is fairly common and you are far from alone. 

In regards to medication it can very much be a case of trial and error. I had a few different ones before I found something that helped. Again, much like yourself, my medication is mostly for depression and anxiety, but I do find that when my mood is lighter (which is helped by medication), intrusive thoughts are easier to 'manage'. As far as OCD itself is concerned, while some medications can help, my experience has been more about learning the best possible techniques to help me live with it. Different things work for different people, so it's a case of finding what works for you. When I was really suffering I consumed too much information, a lot of which was contradictory, leaving me in a further state of panic, as I wasn't sure which approach I should be taking. Only with time did I realise that there isn't one perfect approach, each one has its benefits but each person will respond differently to them. So find what helps you and stick with it!

That being said, I'm happy to share what works for me, but don't be disheartened if it doesn't help you, as there will be something out there that will.

Firstly and most importantly I had to start from a place of acceptance. I realised that what was keeping me in such a bad state was being in a constant state of resistance. The more I resisted any intrusive thoughts or worried about them popping up, the more they came. So instead, I accepted them, in fact at times, I welcomed them in (something I learned to do through ERP, which a lot of the following techniques are also part of).

Next, I learned how to respond (or not) to them. This is perhaps the harder part, but also the most rewarding. As you will know, we will generally respond to intrusive thoughts by ruminating, or carrying out other compulsive behaviours, until we feel more at ease/reassured. The downside to this response is that we train our brains to believe this is the 'cure', as it is often what helps calm us down, but in fact it's the very thing that keeps us stuck in the same cycle. So, instead, I had to practice doing the following...

Acknowledge intrusive thought (in my head I say to myself 'it's just a thought' or 'it's just OCD', or if there is an obvious trigger for the thought I simply say 'trigger').

I then do NOTHING (no ruminating, reassurance, or other compulsions), I sit with the anxiety and watch as it fades away by itself (which it does, as long as you don't resist the thought). This isn't easy, as we're so well trained to react/respond at this stage but with practice It becomes easier.

I then focus my attention back on to what I was doing in the moment, or I put my attention to doing something that I truly value. Working out what your values are and aligning yourself with them at all times also massively helps when it comes to getting your life back on track. There's a life where you can enjoy quality time with your family members and have an intrusive thought about them at the same time. Oh and of course there will be plenty of times in such situations where intrusive thoughts don't happen.

The important thing to remember here, is that when something happens that scares us or makes us uncomfortable (such as an intrusive thought), the brain will automatically respond with a wave of anxiety. This is just the way we are wired. However, following this is the point where we then have control, we can choose to either add to that anxiety by continuing to focus on the thought and ruminate about it etc, or we can leave it alone and let that first wave fade away by itself. If we leave it alone, we train our minds to realise that these experiences are things we are not afraid of and that first wave of anxiety gradually starts to reduce over time too.

In regards to rumination, I initially struggled to just stop it altogether, so I instead changed my approach. My first approach was to only allow myself a few set set times each day to ruminate and these could last for no longer than 5-10 minutes each time. This gave me back some control. By delaying any ruminating, I was training my brain to realise it wasn't as important as I had allowed myself to believe, while also still giving myself permission to have mini rumination periods to 'ease' my mind (but only when it was time to do so). The next approach was to take ruminating to pen and paper (or Notes in my iPhone). If I started to ruminate, I made an agreement with myself that I was only allowed to continue ruminating if I wrote it down (again I put time limits on this). As you can imagine, over time the thought of writing out rumination's became a chore, especially when tired etc, so often I would just accept that I was going to skip my rumination session. Again, over time this trained my brain to start seeing it as insignificant. Mostly because by not doing it, my mind ended up focusing on something far more pleasant and rewarding (such as something I valued).

As a result of the above approaches, I got to the point where I discovered how utterly destructive and pointless ruminating is. So I now have a very simple response...

When I catch myself starting to ruminate, I simply say to myself 'ruminating'. My brain now recognises how unimportant it is, so I then refocus my attention on to what I was/should be doing, or start doing something that I value.

So, in a nutshell, what worked for me was...

Changing how I responded to intrusive thoughts.

Doing more of what I truly value, regardless of what is going on in my head.

Being kind to myself.

This isn't all that I do to manage OCD but these are definitely the most important things.

Apologies for the long post but I hope there is something in there that can help you in some small way. Happy to answer any more questions if you have any.

[Rosie01]

47 minutes ago, Me-Myself-and OCD said:

As far as intrusive thoughts are concerned, NOTHING is off the table. They come in all forms! Of the people I know with OCD, which isn't that many, a handful of them have experienced sexual thoughts about family members, including their parents. So on that basis, I would say it is fairly common and you are far from alone. 

In regards to medication it can very much be a case of trial and error. I had a few different ones before I found something that helped. Again, much like yourself, my medication is mostly for depression and anxiety, but I do find that when my mood is lighter (which is helped by medication), intrusive thoughts are easier to 'manage'. As far as OCD itself is concerned, while some medications can help, my experience has been more about learning the best possible techniques to help me live with it. Different things work for different people, so it's a case of finding what works for you. When I was really suffering I consumed too much information, a lot of which was contradictory, leaving me in a further state of panic, as I wasn't sure which approach I should be taking. Only with time did I realise that there isn't one perfect approach, each one has its benefits but each person will respond differently to them. So find what helps you and stick with it!

That being said, I'm happy to share what works for me, but don't be disheartened if it doesn't help you, as there will be something out there that will.

Firstly and most importantly I had to start from a place of acceptance. I realised that what was keeping me in such a bad state was being in a constant state of resistance. The more I resisted any intrusive thoughts or worried about them popping up, the more they came. So instead, I accepted them, in fact at times, I welcomed them in (something I learned to do through ERP, which a lot of the following techniques are also part of).

Next, I learned how to respond (or not) to them. This is perhaps the harder part, but also the most rewarding. As you will know, we will generally respond to intrusive thoughts by ruminating, or carrying out other compulsive behaviours, until we feel more at ease/reassured. The downside to this response is that we train our brains to believe this is the 'cure', as it is often what helps calm us down, but in fact it's the very thing that keeps us stuck in the same cycle. So, instead, I had to practice doing the following...

Acknowledge intrusive thought (in my head I say to myself 'it's just a thought' or 'it's just OCD', or if there is an obvious trigger for the thought I simply say 'trigger').

I then do NOTHING (no ruminating, reassurance, or other compulsions), I sit with the anxiety and watch as it fades away by itself (which it does, as long as you don't resist the thought). This isn't easy, as we're so well trained to react/respond at this stage but with practice It becomes easier.

I then focus my attention back on to what I was doing in the moment, or I put my attention to doing something that I truly value. Working out what your values are and aligning yourself with them at all times also massively helps when it comes to getting your life back on track. There's a life where you can enjoy quality time with your family members and have an intrusive thought about them at the same time. Oh and of course there will be plenty of times in such situations where intrusive thoughts don't happen.

The important thing to remember here, is that when something happens that scares us or makes us uncomfortable (such as an intrusive thought), the brain will automatically respond with a wave of anxiety. This is just the way we are wired. However, following this is the point where we then have control, we can choose to either add to that anxiety by continuing to focus on the thought and ruminate about it etc, or we can leave it alone and let that first wave fade away by itself. If we leave it alone, we train our minds to realise that these experiences are things we are not afraid of and that first wave of anxiety gradually starts to reduce over time too.

In regards to rumination, I initially struggled to just stop it altogether, so I instead changed my approach. My first approach was to only allow myself a few set set times each day to ruminate and these could last for no longer than 5-10 minutes each time. This gave me back some control. By delaying any ruminating, I was training my brain to realise it wasn't as important as I had allowed myself to believe, while also still giving myself permission to have mini rumination periods to 'ease' my mind (but only when it was time to do so). The next approach was to take ruminating to pen and paper (or Notes in my iPhone). If I started to ruminate, I made an agreement with myself that I was only allowed to continue ruminating if I wrote it down (again I put time limits on this). As you can imagine, over time the thought of writing out rumination's became a chore, especially when tired etc, so often I would just accept that I was going to skip my rumination session. Again, over time this trained my brain to start seeing it as insignificant. Mostly because by not doing it, my mind ended up focusing on something far more pleasant and rewarding (such as something I valued).

As a result of the above approaches, I got to the point where I discovered how utterly destructive and pointless ruminating is. So I now have a very simple response...

When I catch myself starting to ruminate, I simply say to myself 'ruminating'. My brain now recognises how unimportant it is, so I then refocus my attention on to what I was/should be doing, or start doing something that I value.

So, in a nutshell, what worked for me was...

Changing how I responded to intrusive thoughts.

Doing more of what I truly value, regardless of what is going on in my head.

Being kind to myself.

This isn't all that I do to manage OCD but these are definitely the most important things.

Apologies for the long post but I hope there is something in there that can help you in some small way. Happy to answer any more questions if you have any.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I absolutely appreciate it Do you mind if I make note of this in my CBT book? I’m trying to collect as many notes as possible to practice this myself to help. Honestly everything you have said just makes perfect sense and is defiantly something I would be able to practice but most importantly I'm willing to do this too because I know SSRI’s i cant just rely on them to help me get better. I think The thing I’m most worried about is seeing my partner tomorrow because I’m experiencing the thoughts that I fancy my own dad and I’m with somebody  I don’t want to have a panic attack while I’m with him and just confess I think that’s the thing I’m most scared of, it’s that guilt that comes with intrusive thoughts it’s a horrendous thing isn’t it. Do you know how I can manage to feel less guilty in regards to that side of it? I love my partner very much and couldn’t begin to imagine his reaction as I know it would be negative. 
 

As for medication too, have you found that genuinely they just don’t really help that much for ocd? It Like lowers the intensity of my intrusive thoughts however I’m still left with that guilt of having them. I know thoughts literally mean nothing and that’s the logical side of my brain thinking, I know if somebody said this to me I’d say thoughts cant hurt you, thoughts cant make you do something it’s not real. However my irrational side of the brain is screaming just that tad bit louder at the moment unfortunately. One other question too, I’ve recently started the SSRI and I’ve noticed my ocd had gotten a lot worse? I don’t know if that’s normal in the beginning of starting antidepressants? 

[Rosie01]

Sorry another thing I wanted to ask, I’m anxious to be intimate with my partner now because I’m getting these thoughts about my dad