Need to confess so so badly

[Avo]

I have just been reading the thread Nolightleft. I really do sympathise, I struggle massively with the whole fantasy thing. the whole age appropriate thing, if someone is over the age of consent but in some cases 20 years younger (i am 43 years old) and the whole masturbation thing and so on. I have confessed numerous times to my wife. 

The confessing is not a good thing, its not you being honest, its you doing massive compulsions . its helping nobody. its hurting your wife and you. She doesn't want or need to here it, and you are continuing your own mental torture by doing so. you are not being kind to anyone by confessing

The wrong doing here is you ruminating over the thoughts and fantasies. if you can get to grips with that you can really turn your life around and that of your wife. 

she would have a happy and healthy husband and you would be in a significantly better place.

 

[Nolightleft]

Thankyou for your suport,the neex to confess is huge, its making me physically ill

[Wanderer]

28 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Thankyou for your suport,the neex to confess is huge, its making me physically ill

Keep at it, you can do it! All this will be a memory soon. 

[Nolightleft]

Thankyou, i really am quite suicidal atm.last year i confessed that i fantasized about my partners adult niece,it nearly tore us apart,now i remember another someone everyday, i cant be right surely i am a sex crazed beast to have so many fantasies when i love my wife

[Symps07]

32 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

 i cant be right surely i am a sex crazed beast to have so many fantasies when i love my wife

How, if you're there only thoughts and not actually actions?

[Nolightleft]

My shrink said its thought action fusion where i feel as bad as if id actually done the fantasy for real, want to be dead,had enough of the guilt, if it wasnt for my son id blow my brains out, every second of life is internal torture

[Symps07]

3 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

My shrink said its thought action fusion where i feel as bad as if id actually done the fantasy for real,

Has your shrink showed you how to challenge the thoughts?

 

[Nolightleft]

I cant take anymore, i need to connfess and be honest about everything, im losing the plot through guilt

[Wanderer]

12 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

I cant take anymore, i need to connfess and be honest about everything, im losing the plot through guilt

Not an option. You're giving it too much attention. Ignore it and go about your life as normal. 

[Nolightleft]

Thankyou, i dont see any other way,this is hell i feel like a fake,ive had so many perverred fantasies, she should know,im going crazy, keeping it in

[Wanderer]

29 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Thankyou, i dont see any other way,this is hell i feel like a fake,ive had so many perverred fantasies, she should know,im going crazy, keeping it in

Keep it in. Do not confess. Trust us. 

[Nolightleft]

Surely she has a right to know what a sick pervert shes with

[Nolightleft]

Sorry for last post, im just so so down with this need to confess

[snowbear]

3 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

Surely she has a right to know what a sick pervert shes with

You're stuck in a thinking loop, looking at this from one angle only with blinkers on and no thought to how your wife views it. In fact at the moment you seem incapable of seeing this from any other perspective. 

So maybe it's time for some shock treatment to jolt you back to reality.

I don't think you're a sick pervert for having fantasies. Fantasies, however twisted and bizarre, are normal.

But hurting the person you love by offloading your guilt when she's made it clear she doesn't want to know - that's cruel and selfish. Even more so when the guilt isn't from genuine need for guilt, just feelings of guilt.

So which are you?  A cruel, selfish man whose only thought is for his own burden?

Or a loving husband who's willing to bear some temporary discomfort to spare his wife lifelong pain?

 

Your current discomfort (OCD) can be fixed by getting your thinking back on track. In time you will see these guilty feelings are the result of distorted reasoning. You'll realise that calling yourself a 'sick pervert' was inaccurate.

If you confess now you'll have to live with the guilt of knowing you hurt your wife needlessly by telling her things you should have kept to yourself. And you won't be able to fix it because that will be the undistorted reality you'll be living in once you're mentally well again.

I know that right now you're drowning in quicksand and in your state of panic it's hard to listen to those telling you to stay still so you don't sink any further. But if you want rescued from the quicksand then you do have to stop wriggling.

The most important thing you need to do right now is to accept your thinking is distorted. How you're seeing things right now isn't reality. The conclusions you've drawn, the feelings you're experiencing - it's the OCD equivalent of having a trip on magic mushrooms. You might think you all you need to do is flap your arms and you'll be able to fly, but the reality is people don't have wings and they can't fly.

Your 'magic mushroom trip' is the belief you should confess and do the morally right thing by allowing your wife to see how perverted the man she's with is. When the psychotic phase wears off you'll realise just how distorted that way of thinking was and you'll be hugely relieved that you didn't confess any more.

[Pearl]

Ditto what Snowbear said. You need to identify the OCD thoughts and not carry out the compulsion of confessing to your wife. It's hurting her when there is no need to. You haven't been unfaithful. When you get that feeling you are perveted you need to remember it's just a thought.

[Nolightleft]

Thankyou both for your time and knowledge, i cant be as strong as otheres, i feel ill, its making me sick every morning, because of fantasies of people that dont come close to my wife, its killing me inside, absolutely killing me, i dont know how the hell i can go on without confessing, my wife sais im her best friend yet im holding so many things back, how can i feel so guilty if its not something i should feel guilty about

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, Nolightleft said:

how can i feel so guilty if its not something i should feel guilty about

Because your thinking is distorted.

Imagine a severely underweight person with anorexia eats a single raison. They've broken their self-imposed fast.   The guilt! How can their guilt feel so real and intense if eating a single raison isn't something to be guilty about?

Answer: because their thinking is distorted. Because in their mind one raison equates to a ten course banquet instead of the 2 calories it actually contains.

That's where you're at. The guilt is the result of distorted thinking and ruminations, it's not about your actual fantasies.

[Nolightleft]

Thankyou snowbear for your amazing understanding, i read it and it makes sense but then my brain will say ah but this is different for me, this is more devient

[Caramoole]

And you say to it??

[Nolightleft]

Something like, yeah so what, then my brain will throw a load of perverse images from past fantasies, i try and say so what again but the feelings and thought are to powerful 

[snowbear]

55 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Something like, yeah so what, then my brain will throw a load of perverse images from past fantasies, i try and say so what again but the feelings and thought are to powerful 

As long as you keep saying 'so what' the feelings and thoughts will gradually lose their power.

 

[Caramoole]

9 minutes ago, snowbear said:

then my brain will throw a load of perverse images from past fantasies

No....throw images from past fantasies.  Try & keep a check on using emotive adjectives

[Nolightleft]

This episode has been going months, cant see it ever going, i try hard to respond differently but there have been so many varied fantasies since ive been with my wife that its like a mountain, if it was one or to that might be easier to deal with but there have been alot, especially when the kids were younge and my wife wasnt really interested 

[Nolightleft]

Does that come across as creepy and disrespectful to my wife

[Caramoole]

7 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

But there have been so many varied fantasies since ive been with my wife that to that might be easier to deal with but there have been alot

You're really not understanding this NLL, which is one of the main reasons you're not improving.  Do you know what that misunderstanding is?  We've talked about it quite a bit