Pls can I have some help?

[Ma29]

Hello,

i have been trying to get through this on my own for the last few weeks - resisting compulsions ect but I feel like it’s never never ending. I got told if I don’t pay attention or attend to the thoughts that it will get easier but it’s not happening yet.

The thoughts seem to be getting stronger and it’s impacting me even more. I have cut out so many compulsions with majority of the thoughts - no journal, no reassurance seeking, no rumination, distraction techniques ect.

Today, as soon as I held my baby ocd starts telling me everything I do is ‘wrong’. I’m blowing bubbles on his neck but feel my tongue touch his neck - wrong - so I stop doing this. Then I swing him infront of me and kiss him on the cheeks ect, this is lovely but when I wanted the baby to kiss me either on my chin or cheek - ocd tells me it’s wrong and I get scared. After a few minutes I get up and I am holding baby swinging him in my arms and I put my cheek close to his mouth so that he can kiss my cheek (obviously he doesn’t know what kissing is yet so it’s just a load of dribble but I find it cute and lovely) however then ocd tells me it’s wrong and makes me feel some stupid sensation. I get in a panic and now I just feel sick. 
 

Am I wrong to want my baby to kiss me on the cheek or just feel him showing affection to me in that way? 
 

Am I wrong to want to kiss my baby all the time - his hands his feet his cheeks. I love his smell but each time I want to kiss him I either do and feel guilty or don’t. Each time I think I’m going to eat you up because you’re so cute I either dont show him affection or do but feel guilty. 
 

What’s going on? I feel so scared like I’ve done something awful by getting him to kiss my cheek. 
 

It made a connection which was - my tongue slightly touching baby’s neck incidentally whilst blowing bubbles > baby’s dribble when I got him to kiss my cheek. Because I believed the first was wrong, it made an association with the latter and now I feel awful. 
 

Pls can someone help me. 
 

I hate having to ask for help, it’s so embarrassing - even reading the above makes me feel stupid. 

[Caramoole]

Firstly Ma, Well Done to you.......you're doing all the right things but it all takes time and even though we don't realise it, we're still doing small compulsions but you can't just put it right overnight or even a week or month

16 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

no journal, no reassurance seeking, no rumination, distraction techniques ect.

 

Perfect......this is really good

 

19 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

Today, as soon as I held my baby ocd starts telling me everything I do is ‘wrong’. I’m blowing bubbles on his neck but feel my tongue touch his neck - wrong - so I stop doing this. Then I swing him infront of me and kiss him on the cheeks ect, this is lovely but when I wanted the baby to kiss me either on my chin or cheek - ocd tells me it’s wrong and I get scared. After a few minutes I get up and I am holding baby swinging him in my arms and I put my cheek close to his mouth so that he can kiss my cheek (obviously he doesn’t know what kissing is yet so it’s just a load of dribble but I find it cute and lovely) however then ocd tells me it’s wrong and makes me feel some stupid sensation. I get in a panic and now I just feel sick. 
 

Those are all examples of OCD reminding you that these are the things you fear most, so when you're doing these things you are still assessing, checking, expecting it to be gone and probably do tiny compulsions like thinking, "please don't let this happen, please just let me feel normal" and these tiny thoughts (that is actually your brain thinking) makes the very thought you don't want, happen.

 

39 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

Today, as soon as I held my baby ocd starts telling me everything I do is ‘wrong’. I’m blowing bubbles on his neck but feel my tongue touch his neck - wrong - so I stop doing this.

That's an avoidance that you need to try and continue what you were doing, acknowledging that this is OCD playing up, nothing sinister

 

43 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

 

Today, as soon as I held my baby ocd starts telling me everything I do is ‘wrong’. I’m blowing bubbles on his neck but feel my tongue touch his neck - wrong - so I stop doing this. Then I swing him infront of me and kiss him on the cheeks ect, this is lovely but when I wanted the baby to kiss me either on my chin or cheek - ocd tells me it’s wrong and I get scared. After a few minutes I get up and I am holding baby swinging him in my arms and I put my cheek close to his mouth so that he can kiss my cheek (obviously he doesn’t know what kissing is yet so it’s just a load of dribble but I find it cute and lovely) however then ocd tells me it’s wrong and makes me feel some stupid sensation. I get in a panic and now I just feel sick.
 

This is perfect behaviour with your baby & what Mum and baby should enjoy

 

50 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

Am I wrong to want my baby to kiss me on the cheek or just feel him showing affection to me in that way? 
 

Am I wrong to want to kiss my baby all the time - his hands his feet his cheeks. I love his smell but each time I want to kiss him I either do and feel guilty or don’t. Each time I think I’m going to eat you up because you’re so cute

This are normal, natural desires, the ones you should be having

52 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

I hate having to ask for help, it’s so embarrassing - even reading the above makes me feel stupid. 

It's not stupid & you shouldn't be embarrassed, this is how OCD makes us feel and something we've all done.  Don't underestimate how far you've come.  Only a couple of months ago you were hiding under a blanket petrified of even twitching a muscle & now you're caring for and loving your baby, interacting with him as you should....even though it's challenging you.  You'll get better and better at recognising the OCD thoughts (which you do actually) and fine tuning those reactions so they get less and less.

You're doing far better than you're giving yourself credit for

[Ma29]

Thank you so much for that, caramoole. I really appreciate it.
Will continue trying and resisting compulsions.

[Caramoole]

You're doing okay but I know it's hard and there are days that seem so disappointing but you are moving forward.  When those doubts strike....deep breath and try and remember, you know this is OCD making you have these doubts.  Keep doing what you're doing and it will keep steadily improving

[Saffron37]

Just wanted to say @Ma29, I'm really proud of you. You're inspiring me to try harder too. Hang in there!!!