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Processing the grief/trauma of OCD


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Hi everyone,

Currently lying in bed struggling with stomach cramps from TOTM hence being on the forum this late. 
 

My reason for sharing that is I’ve just had two of the hardest weeks in a while recently with my OCD. Coming onto my TOTM has made me realise/remember just how much of an impact my hormones can have on my OCD. I was really starting to buy into my intrusive thoughts because they had been so constant. Even now, I feel a little bit like ‘okay I feel reassured as I’ve just come on my period, but I still feel like a piece of me has been taken by the OCD monster’. Caveats here: I know the last comment is probably overdramatic but I’m trying to get across a sense of how I feel after the last two weeks and with the reassurance thing - I realise the compulsion here. I’m trying to work out how to not have my TOTM starting as a massive reassurance thing - struggling with that currently.

Another thing that triggered this recent OCD cycle was something that I saw on TV. Anyone else have this problem?! It was then a perfect storm with the mix of hormones.

Anyway, as I’m sat here late at night I am finding myself pondering. I am coming up to two years since I’ve discovered I have OCD. I’ve had it for around 26 years if not more since early childhood, approx 24 years undiagnosed. One of the biggest things in the last two years has been trying to come to terms with this - and how, with the benefit of hindsight, I can really see the influence and fallout on my life. Relationships that have hugely suffered, perhaps irreparably. Ambitions never realised. Choices I need to make to manage my OCD going forward.

As an example, admittedly I have never been maternal and from an early age expressed my decision of not wanting children. I still feel this way now to about 99%. As I’m with a partner I love very much there is that tiny what if there, but I also find for myself that I could not go through the increased issues with my OCD caused by hormones during and after pregnancy. This is what I mean when I say, the impact of OCD.

Does anyone else understand where I am coming from? It’s like, in addition to managing my OCD, there is another entire aspect to it in so far of trying to come to terms with how it has shaped my life?

I should add that on the whole I am doing much better since my diagnosis following treatment with my OCD itself, but as many of us feel and I agree - it is sneaky. I have had many themes over the years, have two that have been somewhat with me for around the last three, and know that more themes will try to pop up but that I will need to apply my CBT/ERP learning when they do.

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It makes sense what you say.

But, if you are learning and applying CBT, and you do the homework, resist compulsions, start to leave the intrusions be without connecting with them then, like me, you are going to start getting better.

I found it important, as part of this process, to give up resenting what OCD has taken away, but rather see what I can bring back into my life when I start to regain control.

The themes, the intrusions, they are simply manifestations of OCD - and as you will be learning in therapy, they are actually nothing more than worthless nonsense. So start the process of leaving them be and moving on from them.

When you do this, there won't be that kick-start of a new vicious cycle,  and you will be able to relax and do normal things.

Re your period, thus is the most natural happening of course, and when you are winning back control from the OCD your experience of this should also improve greatly.

All the good bits in recovery stem from applying what we learn in therapy, and the determination to make that happen.

 

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5 hours ago, _cashewnutsandraisins said:

Hi everyone,

Currently lying in bed struggling with stomach cramps from TOTM hence being on the forum this late. 
 

My reason for sharing that is I’ve just had two of the hardest weeks in a while recently with my OCD. Coming onto my TOTM has made me realise/remember just how much of an impact my hormones can have on my OCD. I was really starting to buy into my intrusive thoughts because they had been so constant. Even now, I feel a little bit like ‘okay I feel reassured as I’ve just come on my period, but I still feel like a piece of me has been taken by the OCD monster’. Caveats here: I know the last comment is probably overdramatic but I’m trying to get across a sense of how I feel after the last two weeks and with the reassurance thing - I realise the compulsion here. I’m trying to work out how to not have my TOTM starting as a massive reassurance thing - struggling with that currently.

Another thing that triggered this recent OCD cycle was something that I saw on TV. Anyone else have this problem?! It was then a perfect storm with the mix of hormones.

Anyway, as I’m sat here late at night I am finding myself pondering. I am coming up to two years since I’ve discovered I have OCD. I’ve had it for around 26 years if not more since early childhood, approx 24 years undiagnosed. One of the biggest things in the last two years has been trying to come to terms with this - and how, with the benefit of hindsight, I can really see the influence and fallout on my life. Relationships that have hugely suffered, perhaps irreparably. Ambitions never realised. Choices I need to make to manage my OCD going forward.

As an example, admittedly I have never been maternal and from an early age expressed my decision of not wanting children. I still feel this way now to about 99%. As I’m with a partner I love very much there is that tiny what if there, but I also find for myself that I could not go through the increased issues with my OCD caused by hormones during and after pregnancy. This is what I mean when I say, the impact of OCD.

Does anyone else understand where I am coming from? It’s like, in addition to managing my OCD, there is another entire aspect to it in so far of trying to come to terms with how it has shaped my life?

I should add that on the whole I am doing much better since my diagnosis following treatment with my OCD itself, but as many of us feel and I agree - it is sneaky. I have had many themes over the years, have two that have been somewhat with me for around the last three, and know that more themes will try to pop up but that I will need to apply my CBT/ERP learning when they do.

I can emphasise with this a lot. I think that it’s definitely part of the process to grieve a little but not to get stuck there. It’s hard because OCD can be so cruel but it also reminds me of the strength that we have to have been dealing with this for so long and enduring the ‘tales’ that it had told us.

I try and see it as part of my journey and whilst I feel angry sometimes that it has stolen so much from me, I think of how my brain wanted to protect me and that I did my best despite living as if all of the ‘what ifs’ that OCD gave me were true.

Hormones are something that really affect me too. I can be on top of the CBT and feeling positive about how I’m doing but then hormones shift and I feel hopelessly battered by the intrusive thoughts. I remind myself of what it is but I think the doubts feel so strong at that time, it’s difficult to not give into the compulsions. For me tracking my cycle helps and trying to increase my activities then (easier said than done when I just want to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself). Try and force yourself to be active, take a walk if you can and do something nice. I think for me, the anxiety that comes with pms is heightened which makes my brains look and find the reason for it which it always does. Usually something I’ve obsessed over before, which gives it more importance and familiarity. Practicing mindfulness helps with this, by acknowledging how much my mind wants me to revisit and assess the thoughts and how hormones are contributing to that.

Yes, I can be triggered by something I’ve read or a tv show. Something that I’d never doubted and then suddenly my mind will latch on to it and Bam! Try and acknowledge this quickly before going down to OCD spiral and try not to avoid the tv show or trigger as this will make the thought seem even more important and something that needs to be avoided. It doesn’t. It’s just a thought. Let the thought be there and carry on anyway. 

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I've seen it described as 'collateral damage' in therapy literature - ie the damage to career, relationships, finances etc that are the result of dealing with ocd. It's not nice I can empathise with you, hoping the rest of your day has been better.

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21 hours ago, _cashewnutsandraisins said:

This is what I mean when I say, the impact of OCD.

It’s like, in addition to managing my OCD, there is another entire aspect to it in so far of trying to come to terms with how it has shaped my life

I think any of us who've had OCD for a long time (or even for a short time but during a critical life stage) can empathise with this. As Wren said, it's often referred to as collateral damage. I'm now in an interesting place where the collateral damage shapes my life more than the remaining OCD!

Around the time the menopause started I went through a brief phase of grieving for the things that would never be such as children (similar reasons to yourself) and for the other turns my life took. But I've never been one to dwell on things I can't change so I didn't let myself wallow in it for long.

The way I see it I could have been run over by a bus in my teens and spent my life in a wheelchair with all the 'collateral damage' that would have done, so really I got off lightly.

It's very easy to imagine that people around you are all living the lives they planned with perfect family life, jobs, etc. But in reality almost nobody's life works out how they planned and grieving for things you didn't get is pointless. Better to focus on your achievements - past, present and future!

Look on this as a mindset - you can choose to view it as a loss and wallow OR you can accept that what is is; could have been better, could have been far worse and put your energy into shaping the remainder of your life the way you want it to be without allowing OCD to steal any more time from you.

Rather than thinking of it as 'an additional thing you're coping with' :(  use the grief as motivation to overcome your OCD. :flex: Focus on the life yet to be lived rather than what cannot be changed. :)

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3 hours ago, snowbear said:

Rather than thinking of it as 'an additional thing you're coping with' :(  use the grief as motivation to overcome your OCD. :flex: Focus on the life yet to be lived rather than what cannot be changed. :)

Spot on. A great way to go forward. 

My wife and I were hypothesising as we drove along the other day.

The reasons that brought us together were such " long shots" that it seems impossible that they happened at all.

And by golly are we happy they did !!!!

If I hadn't gone to Germany for 3 months after college, and when I came back, if all the local jobs here in the Midlands hadn't gone.

If my father hadn't been arranging insurance for his firm, and hadn't been able to ask his broker if they had any jobs for his son.

If that job hadn't been in London.

If my sister hadn't followed me down to work in London.

If she hadn't befriended a girl sharing a flat in West London near where I lived.

If I hadn't asked that girl out.Then after she left, taken up with her replacement.

If, when she left, I hadn't started a relationship with her replacement- Julie !!!

We are so glad I did. We both have had physical and mental health issues - we thought of ourselves as  "selected seconds" - but the very fact that we both had issues made our relationship stronger, not weaker. 

I could have not gone to Germany, stayed in the Midlands, married and had children, they might have not coped with my OCD ,we might have split up. 

But what actually happened,  when I followed my instincts, my opportunities,  and also fought to find recovery, are what defined me - and my dear wife too.

I don't, and never have,  concern/concerned myself with what might have been. What I might have gained by staying in the Midlands, what I lose by not being a parent.( But we both became very devoted and successful uncle and aunt, great uncle and great aunt, and our friends ' children adore us).

What we can do something about, we do. What we can't doesn't worry us.

And the best thing perhaps? Not letting OCD defeat me. Never accepting that I ultimately might not find the ways that, for me, would produce significant results. 

Never  ever  giving up or giving in, however difficult the challenges.

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This is a very interesting thread, I can definitely relate I  have been reflecting recently on what I think my OCD may have taken from me, and how it has shaped my current circumstances. 

I have definitely under achieved career wise, I feel I am a capable person who has been undermined by their OCD, consuming me and taking away from my focus on life. meaning I have been limited not by ability but by the amount of energy OCD has taken from me. I feel the general anxiety that OCD creates has made me much less resilient than ideally I would like to be. I have spent years in the grip of OCD suffering and having my quality of life impacted. 

I admit I have been fortunate in some ways with my OCD, it has not stopped me working which it can do with many people. I have been able to function though its been close sometimes, Marry and I have 1 child. it has and can be all consuming and has put massive strain on my relationship with my wife. but its been much less severe than many people on the boards have experienced. 

I agree with Snowbear about trying to shape the life you have to live, we can't change the past . Also its very easy to assume everyone else has it made and is coping just fine with life , possibly exaggerated by social media these days. Its not likely to be the case and its not healthy I feel to try and judge ourselves by what others have either materialistically or otherwise. 

 

 

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