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How do I go on?


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Hello.

im so stuck.

I am sorry for coming on here. I just feel so sad. I’m grieving for my parent, I miss them dearly. Today is a festive day for us and I’m sitting in the bathroom crying because it’s just too hard to handle - all of this. The grief / the ocd / the big life change of becoming a mother / I have been so vulnerable around others and still feel vulnerable. I don’t know when this will end or how I will get out of this dark whole.

This ocd is fixated on my groin area and any movement of this near the baby. This means. Each time I move near the baby, it alerts me that there’s danger, Because my mind is so fixated on this then I find myself moving my groin with no ill intention but it’s just because my mind is so fixated on it and I’m trying my hardest not to move. Each time I change his nappy I have to stick my bum out. Each time I put him in the bath and take him out, I do it at arms length. Each time he sits on my lap I try to remain still. Each time I’m about to give him a hug, I stop. Each time I pick him up of the floor, I do it at arms length. Each time I push his push chair I find myself moving my hips back when the ocd starts. Each time he lies next to I move my hips as far away as I can. Each time he is on my lap facing me I get worried about my groin moving. 
 

Why? Because I have a belief that the groin area is forbidden and no movement should happen there, nor should anything touch this area, especially any of my baby’s body - any part - his hand,nose,bottom,arm and god forbid the nappy region! 

So What happens? Each time the ocd alerts me of danger the following things can happen :-

— I experience some weird sensory motion i which is psychological but seems like a real movement. Eg, if I think of my groin moving towards baby whilst I’m holding him (ocd thought) then it feels like my groin is moving when it’s not.

- If I’m near baby and ocd alerts me of danger and not to move groin, that area automatically moves because I’m so fixated on it.

- if I’m holding baby and ocd tells me to be careful and not to move my groin towards baby, I’m so fixated on it that I find the opposite happens and groin may move slightly.

- Today, I let the thought come and let my body move however it responds with this intrusive thought so any sensation / minor movement ect will mean nothing because it’s all triggered by the thought which is stupid anyway. 

I’m holding baby over my shoulder whilst sitting down (so his chest is on mine and head is resting on my shoulder). The ocd starts fixating on my groin area again. The more I think about it and pay attention to the thoughts, the more likely I’m to notice a psychological sensory feeling where it feels like my groin is moving but it’s not and/or the more likely my groin/hip does move slightly because ocd is so fixated on it. Then I think, I don’t care no bad intention but then ocd says if I don’t react isn’t that saying I don’t mind my groin moving / touching baby ect? So then ocd continues ‘ intention, you just moved your groin, and liked that  ect’. This makes me feel awful because it feels like my groin is moving or may have actually moved ect at the same time. None of this is with bad intention it’s just because I have an obsession as I have OCD

How am I supposed to tackle this? Please please can someone advise me? 
 

My therapist says I MUST treat feelings / thoughts/sensations/ minor movements and actions following or with the intrusive thoughts ALL as OCD and not feed it. So, intrusive thought = you do move your groin = it’s still ocd. However for me the topic is so distressing how can I think this is all okay? 
 

Am I supposed to look at this backwards? There is nothing wrong with the baby touching my groin or my groin touching the baby? The groin is just like any other part of my body - like my arm or shoulder ? 

Edited by Ma29
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Hi Ma29,

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. I can understand how scary and lonely it must feel sometimes but you’re not alone. 

What you’re experiencing is a groinal response and unfortunately, the more you focus on it, the more it will come back. You see when we’re afraid of a sensation or a thought then our OCD will bring that back because our anxiety believes it’s a threat. We tend to obsess about the things we don’t want and that includes those groinal responses. 

I’m happy that you’re seeing a therapist and their advice is absolutely correct. First of all you have to be so patient and kind with yourself. You are doing the best that you can! It’s scary and you’re afraid but you have to allow yourself to feel these emotions and sensations. We have to do the opposite of what we’re used to doing and that can feel scary as it’s uncomfortable, but you will be okay! Just because you’re accepting the thoughts and feelings does not mean you’re okay with whatever your ocd is telling you. You are just allowing yourself to accept whatever it comes up with so you get used to not fearing or reacting to it. This will help to decrease the feelings and sensations. 

Wish you the best! 

Bismah

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Hi Ma. ? I don’t know if this will be helpful, but it occurred to me—your groin region, the area your OCD is telling you is dirty and wrong, is directly responsible for your beautiful son. Without that part of your body, you could not have created his amazing life. How incredible is that? How could that part of your body be dirty or shameful when it is responsible for such a beautiful creation?

Trying to provide a little bit of a different perspective. I’m so sorry you’re missing your parent—festive days can be really hard. Sending you lots of hugs. ❤️

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Ma, look, your post here is just a rehash of previous posts. You're going over old ground. You're doing it because you are seeking reassurance. You've been told multiple times that your thoughts about body movements are complete nonsense, yet you are here again asking if that still applies. Doing this is a compulsion and it's not doing you any good.

Every instance of 'each time' above is a compulsion that you need to stop.

You don't get yet that it is your compulsions that are causing your problems, not your thoughts. Every time you do a compulsion, you tell your mind that the obsession is serious and important. Compulsions keep the subject top of mind.

Compulsions also csuse more obsessions, doubt and anxiety in the future.

Every time you think you need to not move, you need to move. You need to do the opposite of what your obsessions say.

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13 hours ago, PolarBear said:

yet you are here again asking if that still applies. Doing this is a compulsion and it's not doing you any good.

More so......the post details beautifully a perfect understanding and identification that all of these feelings are OCD.  That's good :) Ma is now at the next stage where the understanding is there, she is trying (mostly) to face the exposures and do the things she fears BUT the doubt is still there.  This is normal.  Rarely does OCD resolve immediately, we need to keep doing these things but fine tune.  There are still compulsions going on there.  There are still safety measures & avoidances built in.  Again, this is normal....we're not saints or super human, we all do it.  So, it's about looking at all of these things and continuing to get those exposures even better.  Look at the safety measures and try to work at reducing them.

You're doing well Ma.  Look at the things you're doing, how far you've come with that.  Keep going, keep improving on the little things.  Whether it's a sport, a language, playing the piano or any other skill.....we never achieve perfection in a week or two.  We build the skill & continue to improve the more we practise

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