Left wife

[Nolightleft]

Thanks cora

This is so hard, i am so close to confessing this threesome fantasy, it was very graphic and perverse abut women i know and dont even like, i dont know how i could just happily imagine stuff like that,or my wife with another, i was so driven by mental lust without a care, i shouldnt have taken the thoughts that far just for a bit of mental excitement 

[Cora]

NLL, but they are only thoughts, nothing more. If you confess, it's only going to be worse. It's only a short term solution and while it might give you some relief for a few minutes, it will cause you more pain and guilt than it's causing you at the moment. Fantasising is not a crime. Everyone does it at some point. 

[Nolightleft]

Thanks cora

I feel the only way to end this agony is to confess, apparently is called thought action fusion, in other words i feel as bad as if id actually acted on the fantasies

[Cora]

Just now, Nolightleft said:

Thanks cora

I feel the only way to end this agony is to confess, apparently is called thought action fusion, in other words i feel as bad as if id actually acted on the fantasies

I understand. However, you did not act on those fantasies. They are not actions, they are thoughts. 

Try to occupy your mind with something else at the moment. I know that is incredibly difficult to do but give it a go. x

[Nolightleft]

I just feel like a fraud and my wife should know what a sicko shes with

[Josiah10]

1 hour ago, Nolightleft said:

I just feel like a fraud and my wife should know what a sicko shes with

You aren't a sicko. I have these urges too to confess things to the girl I'm talking to. It's very hard. Some things are worth sharing some not. In this case it's not worth sharing, so try and keep it to yourself and allow yourself to feel the anxiety. She has flaws too you aren't living a lie.

[Nolightleft]

What a hellish day,i said how much shame i am feeling, my wife just came out with how many women have i fantasized about, millions?and then named a couple of women that i actually have fantasized about,i just said no and that this conversation isnt helping, so because i confessed in the first place ive put myself in a position where i have to lie, i am living in hell, i really want to be with my wife but i cant live a lie, i just think i should confess the lot, then i wont be in a position where i have to lie

[ocdjonesy]

Wow.  If you haven't confessed to her in 5 months where is all the vitriol coming from with your wife?  

[Nolightleft]

Different things, firstly i tell her alot that i feel shame and guilt, probably me confessing without confessing, if you get what i mean, also we went out with my sister and her new bloke who was telling her how he would never fantasize about another women, couldnt believe what came out his mouth, saw my wifes facce and new it had opened a wound, i know its selfish but even now i just want to confess every fantasy and about who, its really doing my head in and everyone elses, suicide is so appealing but i dont want to hurt my son

[ocdjonesy]

Right so you've been keeping it going and now that's feeding back into the problem.  You really need to stop with this obsession or you are genuinely going to destroy your marriage.  Which would be pretty ironic considering the fact that the fear underneath your fear is probably your marriage ending/your wife leaving you.  

How is needing to confess or die working out as your only emotional volume setting?  Seems like a pretty fraught way to have you and anyone else around you living their lives and maybe like you should consider some of the self help measures you've been recommended a few times now.  Unless you want to spend more time hanging out in your car thinking about killing yourself that is.  Which I dunno maybe that's fun and I'm just not getting it (it's not fun I've spent a lot of time that way myself and the only way you stop is stop making the decisions that put you in that place to begin with.)

And just and FYI if you genuinely think your sisters boyfriend was telling the truth about his inner most sexual feelings and proclivities to two strangers he'd just met and was clearly trying to impress then you and your wife are extremely gullible.  And neither of you are married to him so wtf does he even have to do with your situation.  

Edited April 12, 2022 by ocdjonesy

[Caramoole]

I really think that it's time that your Wife wised up and learned a little about fantasies, OCD and her own insecurities.  I can understand how she was ground down by the constant confessions but she is being unreasonable on most counts.  If she understands OCD ( which you tell us she does) doesn't it strike her as a little odd that she's happy to accept the unreal nature of your obsessions about paedophile concerns but not this.  The very simplest of Google searches will clarify that fantasies are normal, common & healthy....even taboo ones.  If she understands OCD she will also realise that your urge to confess these things are the product of having OCD.  Her reaction is one of insecurity and she too is guilty of thought/action/fusion in equating thoughts like these as being the same as betrayal or infidelity.  The only thing she has a right to is not to hear your fantasies if she doesn't want to.......but she also needs to understand what's driving this, OCD and not you trying to make her engage in an activity she's not comfortable with.  Her stance is helpful to neither of you.  Could she talk to someone who could help her to understand things better on both counts?  

[Nolightleft]

I have tried everything, i have told her to google how normal it is, ive told her stats of how commen they are,the subject is closed, and understandly as so far over the years i have confessed fantasies about her sister, her adult niece, her with someone els so that has wounded her, the subject is totally off limits unless she feels insecure and questions me about it, and still after her saying i dont want to know, she wish she never new and can i just keep my mouth shut want to confess so much more,the need drives me everyday, and i cannot just cannot stop ruminating because there have been so many about so many people, so im left with this forum thankfully and my phycolagist whenever that may be

[Nolightleft]

Does anyone else feel they are hiding there true self, ive been with my wife years andctoday thought she doesn't know me atal, she doesn't know about my sexual fantasies of others therefore she doesnt know a huge part of me, dont know how to get past this feeling of hiding a huge part of myself 

[Nolightleft]

Cant do this anymore, people see me as 1 person when inside im just filth

[Symps07]

But that's how it looks right now.

It's not how it will always look.

How well do you ever really know anyone? And can you base who you are on the thoughts you have if they never appear in your actions?

Right now, it's Hell but you can only change that by the way you react to the thoughts. The more attention you give them, the more they will haunt you.

Try to stay strong and maybe get out in the fresh air for a bit.

[Nolightleft]

Thankyou for your time 

I am so sad atm, i love my wife so much, she means everything to me and i just feel im deceiving her because she doesn't know all the sexual fantasies or who they are abouti dont know how to leave it in the past, i have everything someone could wish for but all i feel is guilt that i have mentally cheated in such a twisted perverted way

[Wanderer]

10 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Thankyou for your time 

I am so sad atm, i love my wife so much, she means everything to me and i just feel im deceiving her because she doesn't know all the sexual fantasies or who they are abouti dont know how to leave it in the past, i have everything someone could wish for but all i feel is guilt that i have mentally cheated in such a twisted perverted way

Yes, but we are going around in circles here. Again, you have a choice. One: either trust everyone here that this is purely OCD, do the work and get better. Or, continue to live in this torment. I know that sounds harsh mate, but sometmes you have to be cruel to be kind. 

This is 1000000000000000000000000% OCD. 

Do the work and feel better. Start NOW. Take a leap of faith. 

[Nolightleft]

Im so desperately waiting in line for therapy,i promise i really try to not give importance to these fantasies and of course i dought its ocd,i really am trying, i just want to leave the fantasies behind but my mind is saying they are more perverted than any married man has been and about people i shouldnt have, its so hard to just spend time with my wife as i always feel im hiding my true self from her

[Nolightleft]

I need to confess to her,how can i ever be ok if im hiding all these fantasies 

[Wanderer]

56 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Im so desperately waiting in line for therapy,i promise i really try to not give importance to these fantasies and of course i dought its ocd,i really am trying, i just want to leave the fantasies behind but my mind is saying they are more perverted than any married man has been and about people i shouldnt have, its so hard to just spend time with my wife as i always feel im hiding my true self from her

Yes because this is what happens when you have a disorder that is OCD. It distorts your perceptions of issues. It makes it feel as though these are real issues. But they aren't. Your brain is sending you a false signal that something is wrong. 

Start now with not engaging. Label it OCD and move on. Let it go, here and now. 

[Nolightleft]

Im really trying to label it, ive got images of the threesome fantasy in my head like a movie i dont want to watch anymore, my skin is crawling, it honestly feels like ive beeen lying to my wife for twenty years, wwe have never had sectrets or so i thought, all these fantasies are secrets, i feel sick, i try to label as ocd but because i created the fantasies myself it seems worse than ocd because the weren't intrusive at firsy

[Wanderer]

9 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Im really trying to label it, ive got images of the threesome fantasy in my head like a movie i dont want to watch anymore, my skin is crawling, it honestly feels like ive beeen lying to my wife for twenty years, wwe have never had sectrets or so i thought, all these fantasies are secrets, i feel sick, i try to label as ocd but because i created the fantasies myself it seems worse than ocd because the weren't intrusive at firsy

All OCD. If the images come into your mind, just acknowledge, don't analyse. And refocus on what you're doing. That's just my OCD. Let it go. It's all nonsense. 

[Nolightleft]

Thety dont just enter, theyve set up home and then it will be taken over by another fantasy, ive litrely had hundreds,and really perverse, cant believe i had them when i wouldn't want them to happen and i love my wife

[Fredagain]

2 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Thety dont just enter, theyve set up home and then it will be taken over by another fantasy, ive litrely had hundreds,and really perverse, cant believe i had them when i wouldn't want them to happen and i love my wife

U need help for ocd ur not gonna like this but if u love ur wife that much get some real help and be dedicated to overcoming ocd, confessing and other compulsions. There is nothing altruistic about succumbing to ocd compulsions.

[Nolightleft]

Thank you, i see the only way to feel better is to be honest to my wife, i know it would hurt but at least she would know the truth and i wouldn't be living a lie, cant see how my brain will ever get over the guilt of these taboo sexual fantasies