Left wife

[Cora]

23 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Im here, thanks for caring x

Glad to see you back on the forum, NLL. How have things been? 

[Nolightleft]

Bad

[Cora]

19 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Bad

I'm really sorry to hear that.

Do you have any plans for today? 

[Nolightleft]

Ive been trying not to engage but i cannot get rid of these memories of a fantasy about a threesome out of my head, its killing me that i entertad such thoughts, the need to confess is as strong ascever

[Nolightleft]

I cant cope does anyone else feel the need to confess sexual fantasies as i feel the only one to have this theme

 

 

[Keyboard Worrier]

1 hour ago, Nolightleft said:

I cant cope does anyone else feel the need to confess sexual fantasies as i feel the only one to have this theme

OCD latches onto your biggest fears.  It targets the things that you find disgusting, things that you feel you couldn't cope with if they were part of you or your personality.  They'll be different for everyone (albeit generally within a few broad themes) but the result is the same, lots of anxiety and distress, and a need to rid yourself of that in any way you can, whether through checking, reassurance seeking, confessing, cleaning, etc.

I'm not great at the friendly support that most people seem to want on here, but I can categorically state that you're not the only one with that theme!

[Nolightleft]

Problem is i didnt find the fantasies disgusting, i enjoyed them but now regret having them

[ocdjonesy]

That literally isn't the problem that's just what you're telling yourself the problem is.  The problem is you have OCD.  Everything else is just incidental noise.

[Caramoole]

3 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

Problem is i didnt find the fantasies disgusting, i enjoyed them but now regret having them

I've discussed this with you several times and why it's causing you a problem.  What part of that is it that you don't understand, what's puzzling you?

[Nolightleft]

If i dont confess the threesome fantasy about 2 women who arnt even close to my wife i dont think this will ever go away, i cant believe how i went with thoughts like that, i want to confess soooo badly

[Avo]

The thing is NLL, if you confess then it will bring only temporary relief. OCD never ever goes away by confessing, it gets stronger You need to try and get a handle on your ruminating. I think you know that logically but you are in such a muddled state of thinking it distorts things. 

 

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Nll it sounds like you are already repeatedly confessing, maybe not the details but you are saying things to your wife knowing/hoping she will surmise what you're talking about and reassure you, but she doesn't so on it goes. You're doing so many compulsions and as you can see it is getting worse and worse and worse. 

As someone who has been down the confessing path it NEVER brings the relief you want - temporarily maybe but there's ALWAYS another thing and it grows and grows into a monster. 

You 100% do NOT have to feel this way you can be happy and enjoy your life and put this behind you but that will NEVER EVER EVER happen through confessing or any other compulsion. Please please take a step back from this x

[Nolightleft]

Cant see how i can go on living when im hiding this from her and constantly have sexual images of these women haunting my mind

[ocdjonesy]

For a start I might stop framing it like you're doing your wife a favour by telling her things she doesn't want to know.  You'r last couple of posts have been doing that -  sneakily trying to change this into being about how confessing is the right thing to do *for her*.  

My wife isn't even close to these women, I'm totally hiding this from her doesn't she deserve to know etc etc.  

No.  She doesn't need to know.  You do not need to confess.  You wouldn't be doing her a favour you'd be trying to make yourself feel better at her expense.  

[Nolightleft]

I just dont know how im going to hold this in, feels like im living a lie, i told my wife she new everthing, but she doesnt know half of it, i just want to be honest

[Nolightleft]

Does this really sound like ocd and do most men fantasize such things when married

[Nolightleft]

I dont know how long i can go on living a lie, im trying to leave it be but the guilt shame and images are to powerful 

[Caramoole]

4 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Does this really sound like ocd and do most men fantasize such things when married

How many times would you like this question to be answered?  Another twice? 57 times? A couple of hundred?  What bit of information do you think would make it "click"?

The thing is, this information, explanations have been given in many forms.....but in typical OCD style you still doubt.  You still want to be told "just one more time".  You crave reassurance.  It won't work.  The next stage is using the information and that means working on the compulsions.  At the moment you're doing like many sufferers do......you read the information, you go away and try to put up with it, you endure it, you try to push through but you don't work on the compulsions.  You don't have a plan or goal other than putting up with it.  You haven't managed yet to take on board the information that the cause, and the effects are OCD.

[Nolightleft]

I do try caramoole, im jus ****, i try to just say so what when the image's are there and my brain is convinced that my wife should know just how perverse my mind has gone so she can decide for me to leave or not

[ocdjonesy]

Do you actually want your wife to leave?  You're going so hard at pushing her out the door I do wonder - is it a compulsion or do you want her to leave.

I mean I suspect no and it's the fear of her leaving over this and your issues with OCD in the past is what is driving these particular compulsions in order to try and force the issue causing you anxiety to get that feeling over with.  

Which, been there, done that, worn the t shirt.  

I am entirely familiar with the 'I should just act like dick and force my partner to leave so then I have to go live with my parents and then it would be alright for me to die' etc etc.  Which, magical thinking.  

In essence all you're saying is 'I want things to be easier and I think it would easier if my wife went away' which is false.  You'd still you be, you'd still have OCD - you'd just be alone with it.  Which you do not actually want.  

Or maybe you do I don't know.  You're the only one who can put in the work to figure it out and sort your **** out.  

Which on that note I'm gonna quit sitting here doing the work for you and get on with my on own stuff.  If you want to pick this up and run with it and maybe do some thinking about why you're doing what you're doing instead of ruminating about pointless bollox be my guest.

 

Edited April 19, 2022 by ocdjonesy

[Caramoole]

24 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

I do try caramoole, im jus ****, i try to just say so what when the image's are there and my brain is convinced that my wife should know just how perverse my mind has gone so she can decide for me to leave or not

Saying "So what" isn't enough   If it were that simple we wouldn't have any sufferers.  It takes so much more on many levels and the compulsions are so evident here alone, not to mention all the others you must be doing

my wife should know just how perverse my mind has gone so she can decide for me to leave or not

That is a compulsion, these self abusive statements that you type here several times a day.....and probably think to yourself hundreds of times a day.  The reassurance seeking, the rumination etc etc.  You have to work on "acceptance" firstly that OCD makes you feel this way and then tackle the compulsions that you do......not just try to out up with it

[Nolightleft]

I know my posts are becoming tedious on here, the are even tedious for me, i know its not helping and its almost as if i cant stop, the anxiety builds and builds and i need a fix of reassurance,it is so hard keeping these fantasies a secret, this threesom one really disgusts me and i dont know if i cansee it as ok, ocd or not

[Nolightleft]

My wife sais i hurt her to make myself feel better, i get that though i still need to confess

[ocdjonesy]

You don't need to see it as ok or not you need to see it as OCD and stop reacting to it.  They are not the same thing.  

The more you spend your time going I NEED TO FEEL OK ABOUT THIS every time you think about it the more you're making a big deal about it.  It's like sitting there constantly arguing with your own brain but NEWS FLASH you can't win a fight with  yourself.  

And you're wife is right you are being astoundingly selfish by making your feelings more important than hers.  It doesn't matter if she wants to have a nice weekend and a bit of a cuddle with her husband without being constantly reminded of something that makes her unhappy because you feel like you need to confess your pointless ***** to her.  Which, once again, I get it OCD makes you feel like the most important person in the room because you're convinced you just can't cope with how bad it feels and how ignoring it  is unsafe but NEWSFLASH NUMBER TWO you're not and you can because how you feel is completely irrational.  

How are you ok with that?  How is making a mental disorder more important than the woman you love working out for you exactly?  Do you not see how your behaviour feeds into the fear of her leaving you that is clearly fuelling your entire OCD spike?  You're a self fulfilling prophecy in action and it's the stupidest thing I think I've ever seen.  

[Nolightleft]

It is a stupid thing and i just cant deal witb it, these fantasies are the every second of the day,i know confession will make things worse, it just feels im holding so much back hence the need to confess