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1 hour ago, Nolightleft said:

He'll, absolute hell,can't take it,feel so pervertd

I understand how difficult things feel at the moment.  But the key word in what you wrote is 'feel', doesn't mean you are :)  What can you do today/this week to work at how you feel and the OCD that makes you feel this way?

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I don't know what to do Ashley 

I have 20 years of sexual fantasies,very graphic, extremely taboo that I've been having with no knowledge of them from my wife,I feel so much that I've cheated hundreds of times mentally be it threesomes exhibition or voyerism,my sexual imagination has run wild,all I can think about is that I'm a fraud and don't deserve to be alive,I really don't think I can do this,all I want to do is confess but I've already hurt my wife with dribbs and drabs of confessions,I'm lost

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You're not really out because the directions are all there, you've read them but not using the information.  This leaves you feeling as dreadful as you do.  We've discussed the fantasies, your Psychiatrist has too.......so what is it you don't understand. Please don't tell me details of your fantasies, they're not important.  What are you hoping will happen or change?

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And I know I've been told fantasies are normal I don't know how I could ever dismiss them,they are so graphic,I have no mages all the time,it makes me sick,I don't deserve to be loved with such a Percy mind,and phycological treatment is like waiting for fkn god,there shouldn't be such a wait when they know I'm not just thinking about it I'm almost at the point of planning it,the guilt is to much to take,I've told them this but no uvhave to wait,could be dead by then

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I'll start by saying taboo fantasies are normal, even commonplace.

However, the reason you're struggling isn't because you've had fantasies, or even that you feel compelled to confess them, or that you feel like a pervert who doesn't deserve his (apparently) 'Saintly' wife who would stop loving you if only she understood how disgusting a person you are.

The problem is simply that you think these things about yourself, and believe them.

Maybe you need to approach this from a different angle. Instead of trying to accept that fantasies are normal, go with the possibility you really are a disgusting pervert. Start coming to terms with that possibility. Accept that being less than perfect makes you human. Accept that your wife loves you for her own reasons and not because you projected some ideal image of who you are which you've now tarnished.

Acceptance doesn't mean you condone the action you're accepting. It means you stop blaming yourself for it, put it behind you and move forward.

So you could accept the posibility you're a disgusting pervert, that you have failed your own moral standards and that you want to start over, do better, live differently in future.

In other words, what's done is done, but it's in the past and it doesn't have to impact where you go from here or how you live the rest of your life. Let it go and start over.

You want to be morally perfect and superhuman? Ok, clean slate from today. Start over and be a kind, considerate, loving husband. Stop confessing - not because it's OCD, not because it's you making yourself feel better, but just because it's the morally right thing to do for your wife.

Accept you've got your thinking skewed and that you've twisted everything the wrong way around in believing you have to confess to be morally right.

Acceptance means being prepared to change what you think. Are you willing to do that? Ready to give it a try?

Or are you going to continue stubbornly thinking as you've been thinking about this up to now, missing the point, twisting moral values on their head to suit yourself, and upseting yourself over something you'll one day look back on as trivial?

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You have had some (a lot) of absolutley excellent and spot on advice on here, relating to the ocd issues you are clearly going through...    however, I am still trying to fathom out exactly why having a fantasy or thought about a 'threesome'  is    'so taboo' (your words)....   and whether you think that people in real life that have actually had threesomes are 'filthy perverted scum' that should be euthanised...?  because going back over all the things you have said about yourself, it seems that this would indeed be your attitude.....   OCD problems aside, I really think you need to look at where, who, and how...    be that you, your wife, your peers, you family, your life, your everything.....      has led you to have such strict, rigid and unreasonable views and judgements on such topics.

I think you initially had a 'fantasy' about a threesome, of which you enjoyed......?  (normal)    got guilty over it because of your (in my opinion 'skewed' beliefs)  and now what 'were' fantasies are now actually 'intrusive thoughts' because you 'now' don't want them and because of this they keep coming over and over.

Please listen to the others and get over the doctors to see if they can refer you to the local crisis unti in your area, that's your priority right at this moment.

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Mcw wasn't just a threesome fantasy,I've had exhibition and cuckold fantasies,I'm done with this world,for years I've been doing all these things in my head whilst acting as a model husband and father,20 years of marriage has been a lie,PTS are ingnoring me just thinking about the most painless way to do it,I'll probably go that up though

 

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Much as I feel for you, this has got to change.  We cannot let this thread run with you describe suicide intentions.  It's not fair to others having to read this and isn't helping you.  Please telephone The Samaritans on 116 123 who have trained volunteers who can help you to talk through this.

Throughout this (and other) threads, you describe how you're resisting confessing to your Wife but by default, carry out the compulsion by confessing it here.  This maintains your compulsions, it just shifts the recipient sideways to someone else......and as we've discussed, these compulsions are maintaining and worsening your distress.

I know it's really tough but you're not appearing to work with any of the suggestions that are made.  You barely reference them and just return to repeating the same/similar statements.  It's really important that you try to change this both with the obsession and the dialogue that you're making to yourself regarding suicide.  As I described a couple of days back, running these conversations through your head become just as powerful as other obsessions and are dangerous to your health & well being.

We are here to help in any way we can but the way this thread is being used isn't helping you.  You don't have a problem from having enjoyed fantasies, you have a problem in that OCD has made this an obsession that intrudes your mind.  It's further complicated  because your Wife completely misunderstands the nature of what's going on and is contributing to that confusion.

There is so much you could try on a Self-Help basis, it really would be the first step to finding a foothold.  I agree, it is shocking that a person can feel so desperate and find that in 2022 the NHS don't offer  effective treatment in an acute situation like this.  The crisis teams are there but don't seem to be as effective as one would hope.  I don't know your circumstances but is there any option of seeking private therapy if even in the short term?

In the meantime, make that contact with Samaritans who are better qualified to help with these suicidal feelings.

 

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Thanks caramoole. 

I ring Samaritans often,I'm afraid I can't afford private,I had an assessment with Bristol phycology therapies where she said it's clearly a moral ocd theme with thought action fusion causing me to feel as if I've done these things in reality,I don't think it's just the fantasies but also the fact that I have to keep them secret which makes me feel I'm being dishonest

 

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What did the assessment conclude in terms of treatment? Have they offered you treatment and have they indicated how soon that will start?

Remember, until then make good use of the services available, such as Samaritans and I think I read back earlier and saw you have the crisis team number too, is that right?

If it's any consolation, what you describe although horrendous for you I know, is nothing we have not seen before. I say this with the slight risk that is offering you reassurance, but it is helpful for you to know that what you describe as not phased any of us, we have done this a long time and we have seen people with these thoughts many times and recover.  I guess that I am saying is that things may feel bleak for you today and right now but please hang in there, because the future can and WILL be brighter once the hard work of therapy begins.

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I am on a waiting list,it will be exposure response then many act I think 

I really think I can't go on Ashley ,I think about suicide all the time,I feel like I've cheated hundreds of times in the most seedy of ways,I am just a shell,I can't believe I entertained for self pleasure,I know everyone says it's normal but how can I feel this guilty and suicide if it's so normal to think of group sex , exhibition and watching fantasies,surely it's wrong or this guilt wouldn't be so intense,my wife certainly sees it as wrong,Im sorry but I just don't want to live with this shame

 

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Probably another desperate attempt for reassurance that my fantasies are not that vile,even though I've been told a million times they are somewhat normal.

Just pure desperation,I honestly am so so sad and regretfull that I had so many even if it is normal I just wish I never let my brain go to those places

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I just stumbled across my old account account when I was battlethrough,just broke down in my bathroom as I've come across posts from a decade ago and it's the same as I'm going through now,made me realize I'll never beet this,it's the same pattern and I just can't learn,I have a taboo fantasy,feel unbelievable guilt and repeat,I cannot carry on in this life,I am not strong enough to beat this as I've had enough years and advice meds and councerling,

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36 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Probably another desperate attempt for reassurance that my fantasies are not that vile,even though I've been told a million times they are somewhat 

Sadly, this isn't going to happen.  We've explained why this is harmful to your recovery & how compulsions worsen an already difficult situation so do you think it would be a good idea to continue with actions that maintain your suffering?

 

3 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

I don't think it's just the fantasies but also the fact that I have to keep them secret which makes me feel I'm being dishonest

 

You talk about "having to keep them secret"  What you really mean is you find it difficult not to confess (carry out a compulsion)  This isn't really about "secrets".  Most people don't discuss their fantasies openly with others.  It's unlikely your next door neighbour would suddenly start that sort of conversation with you but probably does have his/her own fantasies.  You have to start and challenge your thinking.  You have to apply the knowledge that "This is OCD that is making me feel distressed, it is OCD that gives me this overwhelming need to neutralise that distress with compulsions.  You have to take ownership of this and really attempt to change the way you handle this.  If you keep putting your hand in the lions mouth, it's going to keep biting you and it's the same with OCD.  What is it that's stopping you from trying to make some of these changes?  You aren't gaining any relief or benefit from doing it your (OCD's) way so it would make sense to try and change the way you currently try to handle it.  I'm afraid you have some hard task masters here because the advice is coming from people who know it dan be done and must be done.......they also know how difficult it is and sympathise.  When you see a Psychologist you will still have to face these challenges, so why not start the process now and start that journey towards claiming your life back?

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I've merged your newest thread with this one.  In answer, nothing's changed because you haven't changed the approach.  Don't you think it would make sense to think hard about trying a different way?  If you keep trying to open a lock with the wrong key it will stay locked

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1 minute ago, Nolightleft said:

Thanks caramoole.

If only I could combat rumination,I've been trying for decades I find it impossible to not engage in the memories of these fantasies

But it's not impossible.  What are you actively trying to do other than ignore & put up with them.  Combating rumination is a discipline but it can be done.  Your posts/threads demonstrate a catalogue of daily/hourly compulsions........compulsions maintain your distress.  

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Ruminating is addictive. The more you indulge it the stronger the pull to do more of the same. You've been ruminating for ten years or more, so stopping it isn't going to happen overnight. But you CAN  do it.

The first step is to commit to doing it. At present a large part of your brain wants to ruminate, it's not happening against your will.

That's the first thing you need to change. Actually want to stop ruminating. Not saying you do or pretending to yourself you do and then continuing as before because you feel you 'ought' to be beating yourself up over this.

 

6 hours ago, McW said:

OCD problems aside, I really think you need to look at where, who, and how...    be that you, your wife, your peers, you family, your life, your everything.....      has led you to have such strict, rigid and unreasonable views and judgements on such topics.

 

McW makes a very valid point. Part of the reason you're struggling is because you're applying VERY rigid thinking and holding onto excessively strict views on this subject.

You don't have to spend time working out how you got to be so unreasonable in your views, just resolve to change. To be more flexible, more forgiving, more reasonable as a person in future.

I think you need to ask yourself some soul-serching questions.

Why are you so resistant to change?

Why does dying seem preferable to simply relaxing your self-imposed rules?

What' is it you fear happening if you stop beating yourself up over this?

Maybe the way forward lies in those answers.

But you have to be honest when answering them. Really honest. You don't need to post answers here if they hurt or embarass you too much to share them publicly, but do please think about the questions because I think there's a LOT going on in your subconscious mind at the moment. Things you're telling yourself are true which if you looked at them in the cold light of day even you would admit are wrong.

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