Left wife

[Nolightleft]

Good point 

How the hell do people have taboo fantasies and don't feel like they are holding something from their better half

 

[snowbear]

3 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

I will try not to be so ridged,I love my wife but she also has her rigid veiws that fantasizing is cheating,this certainly puts a lot more strain on recovery in regards to guilt

This is one of those semi-concious (subconscious) beliefs you're hanging onto that's utter nonsense.

Don't use your wife's problems as a convenient excuse why you can't change or why it's difficult for you. Your wife isn't standing in judgement of you here - you are judging yourself.

It's you who has the more rigid views on fantasy, not your wife. Time to start recognising and owning whose feelings are whose. 

[ocdjonesy]

Because what I get off to (which isn't taboo would you please stop adding the taboo word like I do not know how many times it's been pointed out to you that it's a choice you're making that reinforcing you're reaction ******* quit it) is not my partners business and he can keep his big bloody nose out of my fantasies which are my thing for my private enjoyment thanks.  

 

Edited May 11, 2022 by ocdjonesy

[Nolightleft]

Thank you both, in do my own head in as well 

[Lynz]

9 minutes ago, ocdjonesy said:

is not my partners business and he can keep his big bloody nose out of my fantasies which are my thing for my private enjoyment thanks

Absolutely! My brain is mine thanks and I'll do whatever I want with it. It's got nothing to do with my husband and likewise my husband's brain has got nothing to do with me.

NLL your wife doesn't need to know your innermost thoughts and fantasies. They are yours alone. Likewise you don't need to know what your wife is thinking either.

You say she doesn't fantasise and that's fine, but that doesn't mean you can't do so or that you're wrong for doing so. A big problem I've noticed with a lot of people who have OCD is that they put their partners on a pedestal, and think that they are perfect and always right about everything, and by consequence that means the OCD sufferer is always wrong. Obviously that is not true at all and is another example of faulty cognitive thinking. Our partners are human and imperfect, get things wrong, make mistakes and can be horrible sometimes just like us.

Edited May 11, 2022 by Lynz

[ocdjonesy]

Actually I'm gonna throw in that you really need to look at your way of communicating your distress because I feel really uneasy about the fact you're getting so many responses by repeatedly referencing ending your own life.  I think it's a really really unhealthy cycle to be.  You need to look at addressing how you tell people how unwell you feel and how you ask for help in a way that doesn't involve harming yourself. 

Which, please no-one get me wrong I'm not trying to be critical or judgemental by pointing this out and am trying to do so as tactfully as possibly with as much respect to the seriousness of anyone repeatedly making attempts on their own life.

But from personal experience I think this cycle that Nothingleft and the rest of the members of this forum are in is really dangerous and is only reinforcing an incredibly an unhealthy method communication that I am worried is a) playing into it by joining in with the new torrent of responses and in turn reinforcing the behaviour and, b) that reinforcement will lead to something serious happening.  If the same cycle continues to go on I'm worried it will escalate to a point of no return.  I'm obviously not a moderator nor do I have the experience that the moderation team have in dealing with this sort of situation but I feel so uneasy about all this (and my part in it) that I feel obligated to point it out.

Edited May 11, 2022 by ocdjonesy

[Lynz]

I agree ocdjonesy.

I pointed out in an earlier post that it's difficult to know what to do advise for the best in threads like this.

At the moment my focus is on trying to get NLL to access help and support. If he's feeling suicidal etc to contact the crisis team or Samaritans, also to try and get his CBT referral sped up, but I'm wondering if the severity of his condition warrants a step up in treatment from IAPT, but obviously it's difficult to know this for sure just from forum posts.

[Nolightleft]

I will take that on board jonesy.

Your right and I have been told it can also upset people by saying it ,I've just got into this terrible cycle and when I try another way the anxiety builds to the point I think my head and heart will explode so I go o back to reassurance for a fix but never get it,I'm just a fkn mess atm

 

[ocdjonesy]

It's not the you say it that's upsetting to me tbh.  It's nothing I haven't thought myself since childhood.  What upsets me, given that it's a behaviour I've had to unlearn myself, is how manipulative it is.  Which, manipulative is a charged word so I feel like I'm out on a limb here pointing it out incase people think I'm being a dick but I have to say it how I see it.  

Maybe it's not intentionally so, I don't know it's  a thing you can totally learn to do unconsciously but when you think about it honestly you realise it's a method of control you're exercising on other people.  And I just find that really uncool because, as they say, you tend to be annoyed by other people doing things you dislike yourself for.

And that's not even mentioning just how dangerous to yourself it is to continue to communicate like that.  You could end up dead because of it.  It's a really really really stupid thing to do when you could learn to tell people how upset you are and how you need help instead.

Also I'm annoyed at myself for playing into the whole thing.  It feels gross tbh.  Which, that's my thing not your thing I know that I have had endless therapy after all but it doesn't change that's how it feels.  Ick.

Edited May 11, 2022 by ocdjonesy

[Nolightleft]

Yeah,there is a lot of things I need to approach differently,I've got one hell of a mountain to climb,I think I'll come off the forum or at least try and try and apply advice given,scary as hell because when I'm not on here although I have family they don't get off so I feel alone then the anxiety builds and I need an outlet,guess I'm just getting the outlets wrong

[Nolightleft]

Really good observation lynz.

I do put my wife very much on a peddlestool,she always telling me not to and that no ones perfect

[ocdjonesy]

17 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Yeah,there is a lot of things I need to approach differently,I've got one hell of a mountain to climb,I think I'll come off the forum or at least try and try and apply advice given,scary as hell because when I'm not on here although I have family they don't get off so I feel alone then the anxiety builds and I need an outlet,guess I'm just getting the outlets wrong

This is just another part of your cycle I have literally seen you do this before.  Get the reassurance you need and then say "I'M GOING NOW BYE!".

Despite the fact you've been told before that it's not using the forum that's the problem it's how you're using it and that if you were to use it *differently* you'd have a lot more success.  If you were looking at your old posts earlier I'm sure you saw that pattern at least once.  

There are just so many problems with this I don't even know where to start but I'm seriously concerned that you are behaving this way and how that is going to impact on both you and the other very vulnerable people who use this forum.  

It's really not cool and I'm going to be stepping away from you and this thread from here on in.  I'm not ok with reinforcing this cycle, I feel used and taken advantage of to some extent and I'm just not ok with it.  We wont be talking again unless you decide to find a different way to go about communicating or solving your problems.  I refuse to reward this behaviour, I refuse to be put in a situation I feel so uncomfortable with and I refuse to take responsibility for your bad decisions this way.  

Good luck to you, I hope for your own sake and everyone else's that you find a way to manage your problems that leaves you happier and healthier.

Edited May 11, 2022 by ocdjonesy

[Lynz]

Come on now jonesy I don't think that's fair to NLL. I get that it's really frustrating but we're here to help each other on the forums not lash out. If a member's behaviour is frustrating you and stressing you out then it's probably wiser to just bow out of the thread and ignore it in the future.

[Lynz]

31 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Really good observation lynz.

I do put my wife very much on a peddlestool,she always telling me not to and that no ones perfect

So next time you have these thoughts and urges to confess, instead of rushing to the forum to try and get reassurance, what can you do instead? It could be useful to come up with a few alternative techniques than compulsively posting on here when you find yourself in distress.

[Nolightleft]

Thank you Lynz 

I will try,I neglect all my hobbies,sounds stupid but it's as if I feel I don't deserve to do the things I enjoy,but I'll try a different approach,I hate confessing on here I really do and I know I should control it ,I just get so desperate

 

[ocdjonesy]

8 minutes ago, Lynz said:

Come on now jonesy I don't think that's fair to NLL. I get that it's really frustrating but we're here to help each other on the forums not lash out. If a member's behaviour is frustrating you and stressing you out then it's probably wiser to just bow out of the thread and ignore it in the future.

I'm sorry you think I'm lashing out I tried as hard as possible to be even in my tone and I assure you that was not the intention I am just extremely concerned by the nature of this whole interaction and like you say, I'm taking my ball and leaving rather than continue taking part in something I feel so uncomfortable with.

If there's further problem with me choosing to address the subject in the manner and anyone feels like it needs further discussion I have I would be happy to continue the conversation elsewhere (dms etc) but I wont be going any further in this thread for the reasons stated above which I recognise are solely my own things.  

Edited May 11, 2022 by ocdjonesy

[Lynz]

Just now, ocdjonesy said:

I'm sorry you think I'm lashing out I tried as hard as possible to be even in my tone and I assure you that was not the intention I am just extremely concerned by the nature of this whole interaction and like you say, I'm taking my ball and leaving rather than continue taking part in something I feel so uncomfortable with.

No worries jonesy. I think it's hard to read tone and intention sometimes on an online forum. I totally get where you're coming from and hope you're OK.

[Lynz]

2 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Thank you Lynz 

I will try,I neglect all my hobbies,sounds stupid but it's as if I feel I don't deserve to do the things I enjoy,but I'll try a different approach,I hate confessing on here I really do and I know I should control it ,I just get so desperate

 

Ok well that's a good start. Work at refocusing your attention next time you feel like you want to come on here and confess, even if you just say to yourself "well I'm going to hold off on confessing for half an hour, and in the meantime I'll do (insert hobby of your choice!) for 30 mins instead". Often the urge to confess or do another compulsion reduces a lot when you distract yourself, which ultimately is the goal.

[Ma29]

Hello NLL,

I hope you’re okay. I have been offline for a while as I was purposefully avoiding the forum for a while to help me with recovery. I saw your post when I left and i see things have progressed since then which I can see has been distressing for you. I haven’t read everything as it’s 11 pages worth but - I hope you’re getting some help for the ocd - that is what you need to be looking at. Have you spoken to any medical professional? I wish it was as simple as just putting this all in a box, padlocking it and chucking it in the pacific Ocean where it will never ever be found again. I often find that sometimes our obsessions like to stay in the Dead Sea and float, so always there for us to reach. I am really tired so I hope I’m making sense.  
 

[Nolightleft]

I will try lynz,thank you for your support,I tried your advice and picked up my guitar,it was always there but I just have to push myself harder x

Ma29 

Thank you for thinking of me,it's very kind, really hope you are finding your way out of the OCD dungeon,and I would give my limbs to be able to chuck it in the ocean x

 

 

 

[Lynz]

2 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

I will try lynz,thank you for your support,I tried your advice and picked up my guitar,it was always there but I just have to push myself harder x

That's fantastic well done! 

Just goes to show that it can be done and you can beat this, even if you just start by making small changes as you have done so already.

[Nolightleft]

Having a tough day,my wife basically had a go at me for the fantasies I've confessed to in the past,saddest thing is that even when she's saying I should never have told her all I'm thinking is I haven't told her enough,as in details,with who etc,this is such a twisted illness

[gingerbreadgirl]

10 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Having a tough day,my wife basically had a go at me for the fantasies I've confessed to in the past,saddest thing is that even when she's saying I should never have told her all I'm thinking is I haven't told her enough,as in details,with who etc,this is such a twisted illness

Is your wife aware that you're suicidal? I do not understand why she cannot park her feelings about it for the time being. If the person I loved was in this much distress I would say or do anything to ease it and sort anything else later. I just do not understand the motivation here at all. 

That aside, The best thing you can do is stop talking about it altogether including hinting at it or saying things indirectly about it - this will be good exposure for you as well 

[Nolightleft]

It really comes from years of confessing and grinding her down so much that she is now suffering from mental illness,she told me she was insecure when I met her and Jesus I've added to that 

Good point about bringing it up,I always tell her how down I am and she sees it as me feeding fantasies when it's actually feeding my ocd

 

[Nolightleft]

What I really don't understand is my wife is better looking than any women I've fantasized,she comes across sweet and sophisticated yet women I've fantasized about are quite rough and tough and not overly bright,so what is it with my mind entertaining thoughts about people who don't even come close,does it mean I'm suited to someone rougher,it baffles me how I thought nothing of it but now it bothers me so much,just don't get why I thought about a burger when I had a fillet steak in front of me,no offence to vegetarians