Left wife

[Nolightleft]

Lol not accomplished but I did enjoy it until all this. 

Jesus this is so hard,I'm so consumed,I wish it would just go

 

 

[Nolightleft]

Any tips for not confessing.

As you all know I've got 20 years of fantasie that I want to confess.

Is it literally a matter of keeping your mouth shut,the biggest problem is because it feels like I'm keeping a dark secret I find it hard to be affectionate or intemate,this is just another layer to ruin my marriage

 

[Nolightleft]

Ok so I said to myself no confessing to my wife or here 

So this morning stupidly by not confessing I went on a Google Reddit rampage,by asking do all married men fantasize about others,most people were like of course your human but a couple of people said no they never have,I know I shouldn't have Google,how can I learn to ride the anxiety,it gets to the point where I can't bare it and do the compulsion and feel ok for a minute ,but I find it near impossible to not either confess or seek reasuance in other ways, people say resist confessing or other compulsions so why can't I just do that,am I just weeker than other people

 

[Caramoole]

Look up the Vicious Flower diagram and try to apply it to yourself.  Look at the thoughts and behaviours that are driving your obsession.  Don't spend two minutes on it, have a really good think and come back and let us know what conclusions you can see.  As Snowbear said yesterday, this thread has to really change course because currently it's just a tool to aid your compulsions, a substitute to confessing to your Wife.  It seems that you tried to avoid coming here but substituted it by heading to Reddit to fulfil that need.  Compulsions simply won't work, they will keep you exactly where you are, or worse.

You say "Why can't I just?"  Because OCD is compelling, it provokes anxiety.....it's what each of us face and you can too.  Don't use the cop out "I must be weaker".....it takes time, practise.  Did you learn to play guitar proficiently overnight?  No, you practised, learned etc, this is the same

[Nolightleft]

I just find it impossible to sit with the anxiety it's like being stuck in a cage but trying to find away out,I find it hard to be able to accept and be ok with being in that cage

[gingerbreadgirl]

2 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

Ok so I said to myself no confessing to my wife or here 

So this morning stupidly by not confessing I went on a Google Reddit rampage

 

So you did a compulsion and now you feel bad - kind of simple really. No point not confessing to your wife or here if you just go and do it somewhere else. 

If someone with contamination ocd washed their hands in the kitchen instead of the bathroom do you think that would help with their ocd 

[Nolightleft]

Your right 

It sounds stupid but it feels beyond my control,even when my body is typing my mind is saying don't do it it won't help then my brain said you have to do it ,this time you'll find the awnser,that's what I mean by I just can't ride the anxiety x

 

[northpaul]

On 17/05/2022 at 10:21, Nolightleft said:

I play guitar and was a chef for 20 years,

NLL, what type of chef are you?  I am going to have some brocolli and stilton soup for my lunch. Are you good on soups?

[gingerbreadgirl]

42 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Your right 

It sounds stupid but it feels beyond my control,even when my body is typing my mind is saying don't do it it won't help then my brain said you have to do it ,this time you'll find the awnser,that's what I mean by I just can't ride the anxiety x

 

This is how everyone with ocd feels and it's bloody horrible. The thing is though you can help it even if you think you can't. You can be willing to feel these uncomfortable feelings and decide to just invite them in.

[Caramoole]

38 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Your right 

It sounds stupid but it feels beyond my control,even when my body is typing my mind is saying don't do it it won't help then my brain said you have to do it ,this time you'll find the awnser,that's what I mean by I just can't ride the anxiety x

 

What makes you think you're any different to anyone else facing these challenges?  Yes it's difficult but it's achievable and you can do it.  Unfortunately, you're making the same mistake as many do and are simply trying to "endure" it.  That's not enough.....you need to assess the situation, work out the compulsions that you're also doing.  You are clearly rumination, probably all the time you're trying to resist the confessing or reassurance-seeking.  Your brain is still probably engaging in an onslaught of sayings to yourself like how you're a vile person, how you'll never be able to do this blah, blah, blah.  You have to recognise what you're doing, what you're saying and then you have to work very hard at changing that too.  It's like any other exercise, it takes repeated work.  Today, take a piece of paper or word pad and write down the dozens of compulsions you are doing, the sentences you repeat to yourself.  You can do this but you have to make a determined, dedicated approach to it.

[snowbear]

3 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Your brain is still probably engaging in an onslaught of sayings to yourself like how you're a vile person, how you'll never be able to do this blah, blah, blah.  You have to recognise what you're doing, what you're saying and then you have to work very hard at changing that too. 

Add, 'I must be weaker than other people' to that list too.   It's just another compulsion, an excuse people tell themselves when they don't want to put in the hard graft.

All the negative self-talk undermines your willingness to try.

Everybody who's ever faced their compulsions has thought themselves weak at one time or another. Because it's hard. It's uncomfortable. We know.

But then they start working on it and discover they are no better and no worse than anybody else with OCD and that it is possible, even for you.

This is your time to really commit to it and start fighting back against those compulsions.

 

[Nolightleft]

Your all right.  

I do try to just endure it,I try to accept it is what it is,I try not to work out with ruminating,even going out for a drink causes me anxiety as I feel I'm a fraud to my wife and have lied for 20 years 

Hi Paul,I've worked in hotels up and down the country and island,also many years as a pastry chef, broccoli and stilton is a nice soup,my favourite is potato leek and brie,use the whole of the broccoli or skin the stalks use them for something else,Im a bit naughty and put chicken stock in most of my soups,just find it more tasty for me, obviously tell a vegetarian before serving

 

[Nolightleft]

Thank you snow bear and caramoole,I promise I try to change my inner dialogue ,it's just so ingrained through habbit and of course my home life is a challenge on its own

[HelloItsMe]

2 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

 Hi Paul,I've worked in hotels up and down the country and island,also many years as a pastry chef, broccoli and stilton is a nice soup,my favourite is potato leek and brie,use the whole of the broccoli or skin the stalks use them for something else,Im a bit naughty and put chicken stock in most of my soups,just find it more tasty for me, obviously tell a vegetarian before serving

Sounds delicious. I love chicken stock. 

Seems like you’ve had an impressive career!

[howard]

15 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Thank you snow bear and caramoole,I promise I try to change my inner dialogue ,it's just so ingrained through habbit and of course my home life is a challenge on its own

I don't know if this applies to you, but we can if we feel we aren't 'worthy', then undermine our own lives.

Sometimes you literally have to give yourself a pep talk, over ride the negative thoughts.

These days(it sounds a bit silly) but I actually congratualte myself if I've achieved anything that day.

Just like shopping or a walk in the park. I dream big!

 

[Nolightleft]

Yeah good approach Howard,haven't congratulated myself for years,getting out of bed and to work is hard enough 

Helloitsme thank,I wouldn't call it impressive but bless you,I fell into it after school,it was good to travel around because hotels always have staff digs and free meals,long time ago in my younger crazy days

[HelloItsMe]

Hey, you were doing something you loved, feeling accomplished and going to new places and meeting new people etc.

That’s impressive in my book.

[gingerbreadgirl]

3 minutes ago, HelloItsMe said:

Hey, you were doing something you loved, feeling accomplished and going to new places and meeting new people etc.

That’s impressive in my book.

Agreed! 

[northpaul]

44 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

I've worked in hotels up and down the country and island,also many years as a pastry chef,

Now you are talking a language I understand.  Sweet or savoury pastries are my speciality (eating them I mean!).  Travelling up and down the country - North, East, South and West.  Many, many happy memories. 

[Nolightleft]

They were good days,I was living in Ireland planning on traveling the world then one morning all the raves and wild life hit me like a hammer,if my mind was a sheet of glass it smashed into a million pieces,had a major breakdown ,spent 3 years locked in a room and life has never really been the same since that morning

[howard]

10 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

They were good days,I was living in Ireland planning on traveling the world then one morning all the raves and wild life hit me like a hammer,if my mind was a sheet of glass it smashed into a million pieces,had a major breakdown ,spent 3 years locked in a room and life has never really been the same since that morning

Have you applied for some therapy?

Those heavy drug party scenes in different decades had many causualties.

I know a few people it got too much for. Moderation.

[Nolightleft]

I've been seeking help for 20 years,been let down more than had hot dinners,even had a shrink peek over her glasses after an hour of me opening up just to say I should consider going private,had every ssri under the sun and still this illness claws away at the front of my head pearcing through like a talon

[howard]

4 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

I've been seeking help for 20 years,been let down more than had hot dinners,even had a shrink peek over her glasses after an hour of me opening up just to say I should consider going private,had every ssri under the sun and still this illness claws away at the front of my head pearcing through like a talon

Yes you have to find the right one and I've decided against some I was offered. I had some NHS counselling where they would start by saying, we won't achieve anything in six sessions, but then are surprised. 

I mentioned on another thread that when I really needed help with the OCD, I contacted the head of Mental Health services. You do have to be determined. I usually read a helpful book along with my sessions.

I also have IBS which is stress in the stomach related. I was offered sessions with a psychiatrist(at BRI), but have actually found my own solution. CBD paste seems to calm my stomach and elevate my mood.

[Nolightleft]

I'm glad u have help for ibs,my wife has it,it's awful.

I have many self help books, sometimes I've think I've exhausted every avenue of help

[howard]

22 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

I'm glad u have help for ibs,my wife has it,it's awful.

I have many self help books, sometimes I've think I've exhausted every avenue of help

Yes I had the IBS fun today, but I've got it sussed these days.

It used to be 20hours of migraine, vomit, toilet all at same time. But now hardly notice it.

I came to the conclusion that we all probably need some counselling maybe every few decades.

I think when I hassled the head of Mental health services, they sent me for twelve sessions with a private counsellor.

It wasn't at a health centre. I was reading this book about how certain hormones if overactive can switch on high stress in people permanently. I forget the details but it made sense to me.

But maybe you need something more radical.

(I used to go to raves in Easton, they were great fun. Haven't been to many public places since covid though)