Left wife

[Caramoole]

3 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

I'm glad u have help for ibs,my wife has it,it's awful.

I have many self help books, sometimes I've think I've exhausted every avenue of help

But have you applied them?  Might seem an odd question but reading them, even understanding them isn't enough.......and that's often what people do.  I know you're struggling and it's really tough but I haven't seen you engaging with the suggestions here.  I've seen you trying to endure it, to put up with it but not changing or challenging the way you've tried to hand,e it so far.  I don't know if you've ever looked at the "Challenge Thread" but there we have a few people setting themselves specific goals and challenges and working g towards achieving them.  Lots of support & suggestions as to how to face the difficulties, ideas for different ways etc.  Might be worth having a think about setting your own small cha,lenges and seeing how you go

[Nolightleft]

Thanks caramoole 

I was taking on board what you said but have had a tough morning 

About a year ago I told my wife I had fantasized about her adult niece,she was obviously disgusted and I shouldn't have told her bit hey ho thanks ocd.this morning my wife said I'm not a man because a man would have self control and not say,then continued that I was wrong and dirty for fantasizing,all my brain was saying is you don't know half of it,many I actually am dirtyer than most,my wife's sure of it, really the things I've fantasized are not run of the mill I think and I'm told everyday they are wrong,sorry just having a rant,just sick of feeling dirty

 

[howard]

39 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Thanks caramoole 

I was taking on board what you said but have had a tough morning 

About a year ago I told my wife I had fantasized about her adult niece,she was obviously disgusted and I shouldn't have told her bit hey ho thanks ocd.this morning my wife said I'm not a man because a man would have self control and not say,then continued that I was wrong and dirty for fantasizing,all my brain was saying is you don't know half of it,many I actually am dirtyer than most,my wife's sure of it, really the things I've fantasized are not run of the mill I think and I'm told everyday they are wrong,sorry just having a rant,just sick of feeling dirty

 

I was thinking you could do with talking to a sex therapist. I put sex therapist/fantasies into Google and a few articles came up and it seems the way you feel is common. I've posted one link but there are quite a few articles.

Also can I ask, do you normally share your inner personal thoughts with your partners/wife?

'What you need to know about sexual fantasies'.>   https://patient.info/news-and-features/what-you-need-to-know-about-sexual-fantasies 

[Nolightleft]

I wouldn't be able to afford a sex therapist,do you say that because of the content of the fantasies I've shared are alarming 

I have a problem of needing to be honest,when I'm not in the grips I used to just dismiss the fantasies but now they have all come back to torture hence wanting to confess to wife

[northpaul]

5 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

but now they have all come back to torture hence wanting to confess to wife

NLL, please try to concentrate on other more beneficial things.  I have copied the guidance from forum moderator in this thread two days ago below:

I'm going to step in now and say no more talk of fantasies or guilty feelings on this thread please (or the thread may be locked.)

You may use it to discuss other things such as hobbies, interests or suitable distractions only.

I am happy to discuss anything with you that will help to distract your mind towards something beneficial.

 

[Nolightleft]

Hi mate 

Honesty just been a troubled day,lot of stress with wife 

I was just responding to Howard didn't meant to take it down a fantasy route but that's my life ATM it always heads back to that

 

 

[howard]

25 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

I wouldn't be able to afford a sex therapist,do you say that because of the content of the fantasies I've shared are alarming 

I have a problem of needing to be honest,when I'm not in the grips I used to just dismiss the fantasies but now they have all come back to torture hence wanting to confess to wife

At the end of that article it says that some sessions are available on the NHS.

No, I was just pointing you towards a professional specialist. That's really the only person to discuss these intrusions with.

And also to some articles that will help you understand better.

[Caramoole]

4 minutes ago, howard said:

At the end of that article it says that some sessions are available on the NHS.

No, I was just pointing you towards a professional specialist. That's really the only person to discuss these intrusions with.

And also to some articles that will help you understand better.

Hi Howard.....under other circumstances this would be helpful information in helping someone to understand the nature of sexual fantasies Unfortunately, we're a long way past that point in this discussion with NLL.  We've discussed the nature and normality of fantasy in great depth and referred to many articles and links on the matter but what we're dealing with here is OCD, an obsession and an inability to see the matter in true light in the same way that all the articles in the world don't convince someone with contamination issues that they're not at great risk from normal household cleanliness.

 

19 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Hi mate 

Honesty just been a troubled day,lot of stress with wife 

I was just responding to Howard didn't meant to take it down a fantasy route but that's my life ATM it always heads back to that

 

 

The same stands NLL.....yes, I understand it's a bad day but these bad days are continuing because of the way you're trying to deal with this.....the continued use of the thread for compulsions being one of the problems.

I think you have to quietly but firmly stand up to your wife and walk away from these conversations.  She is being extremely unhelpful in any attempt of your recovery.  Explain that you understand how she may have felt distress but that these conversations are helping neither of you  and they need to stop.  Her failure to learn or understand that these thoughts are a result of your OCD are not a reason for you to wear a hair shirt & be subject to being abused and berated every day.

Time to have a look at the suggestions I made yesterday.....to have a look at the Vicious Flower method, start to write a list of all the compulsions you're using to deal with the anxiety and start to think of how you can plan to start making some goals that challenge your current thinking and behaviours.

We don't need to hear any more detail of your past fantasies, we've heard them many times and this constant repetition & confession is supporting the obsessions.  Posts of this feature will be hidden.  Let's try get on the path of improving your situation, not worsening it

[howard]

Hello Caramoole, Yes I suppose all we can do is point to options and offer support.

NLL in this case is the only one who can change his situation.

So just by reading the articles, or the relevant self help books, or applying for professional help, would be the first step for anyone needing help.

[Caramoole]

4 minutes ago, howard said:

 

So just by reading the articles, or the relevant self help books, or applying for professional help, would be the first step for anyone needing help.

We've ticked all of those options.....now NLL needs to try his best to start to utilise some of those recommendations

[Nolightleft]

I try

[Nolightleft]

I don't know what to do anymore,I tried to play my guitar,I tried going for a walk,all through it my head is filled with guilt and filth,I'm so scared I may do something,I don't want to live like this,so so scared

[northpaul]

NLL, in the days before smart phones, internet forums, instant access to helplines etc, what did anyone do?  It has become very easy to put entries on to a forum like this and people seem to expect instant results and answers.  That will not happen.

You have stated that you are waiting for more professional therapy, it will come.  In the meantime there must be plenty of things that will help you look away from your mental health matters?  Do you want to explore what things you might think about to divert your thinking towards something beneficial?

I love the countryside and mountain walking for starters (well I used to do mountain walking but my stairs are the only mountain I climb now!)

[Nolightleft]

I do try mate I literally don't enjoy anything anymore

I spend everyday doing my best not to confess and feeling like a fraud to my wife,I went for a walk yesterday and saw normal people smiling content and having fun,I felt removed and separated from the entire world

[gingerbreadgirl]

Rome wasn't built in a day 

What songs gave you been playing on your guitar? 

[Nolightleft]

Improvised,Travis picking. 

Can't take it gbg,I know I say it again and again,but I do feel my fantasies have been extremely perverse,I just can't see them as ok,I don't expect reassuring,I'm just saying that's how I feel, really creeping 

[Nolightleft]

Ignore me,just so done in

[gingerbreadgirl]

what other songs would you like to be able to play, could you pick a song you can't play at the moment and try and get really good at it? 

[Nolightleft]

I just can't function gbg

[Nolightleft]

This is pitiful and I don't think I can get past it unless I confess everyone and every detail from past you know what,why oh why does this not fk off ,I try to do things that help so all I can do is endure it,aaaaaagh,might book into hospital, really think I'm losing it,putting on a mask everyday while festering on the inside

[Nolightleft]

Sorry same old same old,this is so hard,I just need to stop searching for awnsers and accept,but I want to express how I feel and why I feel this to my wife but I can't cos it will be confession,I hate keeping secrets from her,and I still think it's fair for her to know just where I've gone in my head

[Caramoole]

Don't kid yourself!  You don't want to confess because you think it's fair, you want to confess to bring your anxiety down....for your sake not hers.

35 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

,I try to do things that help

Like what?  Tell us, what things have you done?  Have you had a look at the Vicious Flower exercise (and done it)?  Have you done a list of all of those things that you feel may be compulsions?  Have you set any goals/challenges that you're going to try & work on?

No more "Same old, same old" please

39 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

aaaaagh,might book into hospital

What are you hoping for with that?  The problem will still be there to be dealt with proactively.  It's only tyen you'll start to see improvements

[Nolightleft]

Is it though caramoole or do I just want to let my wife know who she's really with.the things I've imagined surely should be accepted and if they are not she can decide to leave

I'm going to dig out some old therapy notes we did the vicious flower to the center core of my belief I'm a vile person

[McW]

4 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

I do try mate I literally don't enjoy anything anymore

This sounds very much like depression to me, and even though I am no authority on the subject, if you are depressed then I firmly believe you need to get on top of the depression as a priority over the ocd, because when your depressed you will not be in any fit state to learn and develop ways and means of managing your ocd.

18 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

do I just want to let my wife know who she's really with

Your self loathing, and maybe more importantly, your delusional viewpoints are off the scale...   and I have no idea as to anything new to say to you that hasn't already been said by either myself or the many many other forum users that have tried to convince you, that you are not abnormal or horrible or whatever else it is that you relentlessly call yourself.  

I am not going to make any more replies to this thread, not that anything I have said has made even the slightest bit of difference, but I'm going to leave with a question, and that is:

Do 'you' really think you are a (insert all of the names you have previously called yourself here) OR, are you being told that you are those things....?  Whether the answer to this is 'yes' or 'no'   either way, you have an awful lot to contemplate.

All the very very best. 

[Nolightleft]

Thank you to everyone who's tried to help,I hope you all find contentness and a piecefull mind