Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I need to confess so much that the only alternative is death, i know it will make things worse,i know it would hurt my wife and i know relief will be breif, but i cant live with this,all advice on here is great but i just dont know how to apply it, my head is telling me to confess every fantasie ive had, especially the threesome and my sons ex, i am in turmoil, maxed on meds, a long wait to therapy, i really find it hard to be alive, my wife is trying to love me but i feel im deceiving her so find it hard to be affectionate 

Link to comment
  • Replies 400
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

Lol the only alternative is death.  Really?  

You can't go for a walk?  You can't watch a movie?  You can't mow the lawn or go for a drive?  You can't buy a colouring book or a paint by numbers kit?  You can't play your guitar?

You can't think of one other thing to do other than confess or die?  

I be may me mistaken (I'm not) but I think you've found your problem.

Link to comment

Ocdjonsey

I just had a major crying breakdown with this,all see in my head is images from past fantasies about the 2 women, its there all the time,i wish i had never entertained them, i can barely function with this guit, i know that sounds over the top but not confessing is killing me

Link to comment

Nope it's really not.  Your OCD is making you feel bad because you continue to do compulsions.  You feel awful, understandably, because you're in the grips of a particularly vicious spike of a mental illness that you insist you can't do anything about.  You're depressed and terrified because you're going through rough patch with your wife because of said mental illness.  You feel overwhelmed and anxious because of all of these things.  It is more than likely extremely uncomfortable for you and is causing you a lot of distress.

But unless you have cancer nothing is killing you apart from time.  

You're not going to drop dead from not confessing - you are describing everything in your life in extremely black and white terms because you have OCD and because that's how it feels to you because that is what OCD does.  But if you stopped fixating on that one phrase 'CONFESS OR DIE' and started actually looking at how you feel in more than that one sentence, the very use of which prevents further discourse through high drama, you'd probably start to feel a lot better about things.  Or at least more able to do something about your situation.

Believe me it's how I used to react to everything under the sun as well.  In an argument you can't win?  I WANT TO DIE.  Faced with a difficult situation I don't know how to deal with?  I WANT TO DIE.  Run out of toilet paper?  I WANT TO DIE.

It was a compulsion for me it's a compulsion for you and endlessly repeating it isn't getting you anywhere.  It just keeps you stuck in the same place going over the same **** and it doesn't do anything about the reasons you feel bad.

Knock it off.

Edited by ocdjonesy
Link to comment
21 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Sometimes i think my theme is unique, i dont see anyone else banging how guilty they feel about fantasies 

I've had guilt over fantasies, in fact I think we've discussed this before 🙄

How is your work going on stopping rumination? As this still appears to be the main fuel of your obsession?

Edited by Symps07
Link to comment

Mate, how did you overcome them, i literally have images of these 2 women in my head all the time, like little snippets from a fantasy, i have confessed before and caused alot of hurt, my skin is crawling, im in a stake of panic, its awful its changed fantasy memories 10 times, first i confessed about adult non blood niece, my wife was understandably not happy since then i obseessed about 1 i had with stepsons ex then it was a work colleague and now this threesome one, even writing this down feels like ive fantasized way to much and i shouldnt have fantasized about these people, even when ive been told 100 times its ok to fantasize, its screwing me up and i cant stop ruminating, its so strong, my wife has made it clear if its going to hurt her to keep my mouth shut but i still want to confess, really quite suicidle atm

Link to comment
On 20/04/2022 at 12:55, Nolightleft said:

Mate, how did you overcome them, i literally have images of these 2 women in my head all the time, like little snippets from a fantasy, 

Apologies for the delay in my response, I was on holiday last week, so not had the chance to reply.

I still get thoughts but I try not to engage with them. As my therapist told me, you can't control getting the thoughts but you can control your reaction to them.

I found using the theory A, theory B method helpful.

So if I thought about another woman, I would say, theory A - I fancy this woman, therefore I can't find my partner attractive or love my partner. Theory B - I find this woman attractive, which is natural but I love my partner and my OCD is just jumping on any doubts to make me feel bad.

As most of the time with OCD you know how you feel but just have doubts, then I tend to recognise it is theory B, so then I have to be strong and resist the urge to engage with the doubts. Try to focus on something productive.

As time goes on, I've come to notice that my fears are triggered by thoughts and it's like, "ah, I can see that I need to stop engaging with this train of thought" and it does become easier.

I hope this makes sense? 🙂

 

 

Link to comment

Nll, the number of times you have said  "but the problem with me is..."

- you enjoyed the thoughts 

- they were fantasies not just attraction 

- you deliberately had the thoughts 

- they were about XYZ subject 

Etc etc etc.

None of these are the problem. Can you accept that? 

Link to comment

You clearly have OCD for this reason: you cannot stop ruminating.

BUT

I know this is an OCD forum, BUT everything in life is NOT JUST OCD. Stop focusing SOOOOOOOOO much on the ocd aspect of things and start asking yourself why on earth you seem to think that having fantasies of other women whether that be one woman, two women, a thousand women....  is DISGUSTING AND YOU SHOULD FACE DEATH FOR BEING A DISGUSTING HUMAN....???????????????????  This is far more of an issue than the constant ruminating, namely a 'ludicrous' moral standard you are imposing upon yourself that is impossible for any man (or woman) on earth to conform to, assuming they aren't 'A'sexual' or something like that. Going by your logic, and all the names you have called yourself on this very forum, then you are by proxy..  calling me, and every single bloke on here the same names. 

As for the entire 'I thought of something on purpose'     So what..?  As I'm writing this I am purposely recalling a horrible thought I had earlier today...  there I just did it in my head on purpose,   and guess what....    it doesn't make me a paedo, or a monster, or show any sign whatsoever that the thought I 'purposely' had means that I am planning to, or want to do such things.

Everyday Mindfulness for OCD by John Hershfield MFT, & Shala Nicely LPC...     Page 128 & 129    'Go the the mall, and purposely aim your intrusive thoughts at each individual you see'       This is in essense a way of proving to yourself that horrible thoughts (whether intrusive or not) are absolutely meaningless.

I'm sorry NLL if this reply of mine sounds a bit 'blunt'..?  I don't want to upset you, or have moderators etc thinking the same... but I really think you need to get a grip on this.  In my opinion the reason you are having such a terrible time is nothing to do with the content of your fantasies.... and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that you seem to think that having these fantasies are 1) cheating,  and 2) disgusting, weird, and in-human. 

Link to comment

Just to clarify...   

'Getting off' to thoughts of murder, rape, etc etc...      Problem.

'Getting off' to thoughts of threesomes or gangbangs or whatever else it is, with women down the road...   not a problem.

Edited by McW
Link to comment
5 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

Hi mate thanks, i think the problem with me is i dont leave it at finding attractive, i the make up very graphic sexual fantasies, i wish i had just left it at find attractive 

But what's wrong with that?

So you think you're the only person who does this?

These thoughts are not the problem, the problem is your reaction to them. IE, beating yourself up over and over again about having these thoughts.

 

Link to comment
22 minutes ago, McW said:

Just to clarify...   

'Getting off' to thoughts of murder, rape, etc etc...      Problem.

'

Even that's not strictly true.  It's not unusual for fantasy to include scenarios like having sex with someone against their will or someone being taken against their will.  Often fantasies are quite taboo which is what makes them more exciting than reality (in regard to sexual matters)......just as people daydream about winning the lottery as opposed to winning the pub's 100 club.  However,  the fantasy isn't the problem (and wasn't until recently) the problem is about now being obsessed with the thought that he "shouldn't" enjoy them

Link to comment
17 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Even that's not strictly true.  It's not unusual for fantasy to include scenarios like having sex with someone against their will or someone being taken against their will.  Often fantasies are quite taboo which is what makes them more exciting than reality (in regard to sexual matters)......just as people daydream about winning the lottery as opposed to winning the pub's 100 club.  However,  the fantasy isn't the problem (and wasn't until recently) the problem is about now being obsessed with the thought that he "shouldn't" enjoy them

Hmmmm,  yes I have read things like that..       I understand that it is very common for women to have 'rape' fantasies, however I'm not sure as I have not read anything in detail, whether that would be a scenario of being 'taken' by a dashing and handsome man that she is attracted to, or whether it would be a fantasy depicting a brutal and violent rape scenario as we are akin to seeing in movies for example..?   I wouldn't really agree that somebody having a 'fantasy and getting off to it' about molesting children for argument sake, or of violently stabbing somebody, could be deemed fairly normal/common and nothing to worry about..??  That would really worry me to be honest. 

NLL's fantasies...  absolutely normal and/or typical...  I think most of us would agree on that one..??

Love many of your replies by the way Caramoole...   👍

Edited by McW
Link to comment

Nope you can think about anything you want.  Thinking isn't the problem.  Doing is.  And even then right and wrong are an elastic concept as defined by the societies the deed takes place in and our sense of morality is wholly learned as per those dictates.  

No such thing as the thought police etc etc etc.

Edited by ocdjonesy
Link to comment
1 hour ago, McW said:

You clearly have OCD for this reason: you cannot stop ruminating.

BUT

I know this is an OCD forum, BUT everything in life is NOT JUST OCD. Stop focusing SOOOOOOOOO much on the ocd aspect of things

I will not pretend to understand the complexities of this forum but I certainly agree with this comment by McW.

I am not a big fan of the word 'just'.  There are often wider issues.

Link to comment
15 minutes ago, ocdjonesy said:

Nope you can think about anything you want.  Thinking isn't the problem.  Doing is.  And even then right and wrong are an elastic concept as defined by the societies the deed takes place in and our sense of morality is wholly learned as per those dictates.  

No such thing as the thought police etc etc etc.

So if I can just clarify this statement....    you beleive that somebody that 'gets off to' fantaises of raping children, or violently stabbing somebody has nothing to worry about, because its all only thoughts, and not actions...  ?  

I am fully behind the 'it's actions that matter, not thoughts' type philospophy...  but I cannot accept or be comfortable with notion that somebody 'getting off' to these type of things 'doesn't have anything to worry about..?'  There is a huge difference between simply having these thoughts,   and actively 'getting off to them'  thats totally different.

Link to comment
Quote

wouldn't really agree that somebody having a 'fantasy and getting off to it' about molesting children for argument sake, or of violently stabbing somebody, could be deemed fairly normal/common and nothing to worry about..??  That would really worry me to be honest. 

I agree with you, I don't think it's fairly normal/common either.  Sexual fantasies are though, naughtier they are, more exciting.  Taken to extreme though, thoughts alone are thoughts

Link to comment

It's really not.  You've got no business hanging out in someones head judging what they 'get off on' because it's none of your business.  Not to mention the more you point at something and go NO IT'S BAD the more you actually make it more taboo and therefore more attractive.  You also, by demonising certain thoughts make it far less likely that people who do have them will approach anyone for help out of fear of your exact reaction.  It's actually also an incredibly unhelpful approach in terms of the treatment of sexual offenders in terms of discouraging them from rehabilitation etc etc.  I could go on but I think you get my point.

Not to mention you're saying 'you should worry about yourself if you think about having sex with xyz' on a forum where people are literally worried that they do think about those things and where the general response is 'thoughts are just thoughts, it's fine'.  So which is it?  Is it just some thoughts that are fine and other that are bad or what and if that is the case which thoughts should I be recognising as intrusive and disregarding?  Where's the line and who's drawing it exactly?  

Having a **** isn't a crime regardless of what you're thinking about at the time even if makes someone else uncomfortable to think about it.

Edited by ocdjonesy
Link to comment
15 minutes ago, ocdjonesy said:

It's really not.  You've got no business hanging out in someones head judging what they 'get off on' because it's none of your business.  Not to mention the more you point at something and go NO IT'S BAD the more you actually make it more taboo and therefore more attractive.  Not to mention you're saying 'you should worry about yourself if you think about having sex with xyz' on a forum where people are literally worried that they do think about those things and where the general response is 'thoughts are just thoughts, it's fine'.  So which is it?  

Thoughts are just thoughts and meaningless....    whatever they may be about.     First start having awful thoughts about molesting children and are terrified..... understandable and normal.     Progress having been made in your OCD journey and the thoughts don't bother you anywhere near as much....   fine and great, progress made.     Somebody having fantasies about molesting children and actively 'getting off' on it.....    yes, problem.    

If you read my replies to NLL on this topic, I have repeatedly said that his fantasises (about having sex with xyz) regarding the women he is referencing is absolutley normal and typical....    basically, sexual fantasies that everyone has.   Getting off to thoughts of molesting children, or of violently murdering somebody (please note the phrase 'getting off') is definately something to be concerned about.   Me stating that somebody 'getting off' to the above mentioned type thoughts is totally different from me stating that simply 'having these thoughts' is a problem. 

Edited by McW
Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now



×
×
  • Create New...