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This subject keeps coming back, i need to come clean


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Hi all, 
Recently I've been doing some real deep soul-searching, where does my OCD came from, and what keeps it alive. I guess my main subject is me being a bad person. Because of all the horrendous acts I've committed. 
Some of which I have talked about on this forum. I feel I need to come clean once and for all and own up to my mistakes, beginning at the worst of them all, and that is me having been an animal abuser / bully in my early 20s. 
We used to have a dog for a couple of years back then (I am 34 now). I bullied, and mentally and physically abused him. The weird part is; I really loved that dog, if I would step on its tail by accident or anything like that I would be sad and comforting him. But whenever I felt the need for it (I have no clue why I did) I would take my chance and bully him. 
  
There is only one reason I can think of why I did what I did, and that is because I used to be bullied as a kid by my mother who was and still is an alcoholic, She would get me scared, angry or sad and then comfort me, this behavior she repeated for a couple of years from when I was about 4 to 8 yrs old. We got taken away by child protection service and lived with our dad, and from that moment I became a vicious bully myself. 
This bullying behavior kept with me until I got I severe mental breakdown when I was about 27. And from that point on I started seeing all the bad I had caused, the suffering (mentally and physically). 
I've bullied many beings (children from school, co-workers, my little brother and our dog) I also used to be a bully towards our pets when I was a child btw, and my mom would tell me the things I according to her had done to rabbits we had (put in the washing machine and other terrible stuff). The latter I can't recall, but she used to keep telling me I did those things, so I believe I did. (she is a manipulating and lying alcoholic, btw). 
I'm going to dive deeper now into what the bullying of our dog really consisted of, so be warned reading this. (I have sweaty palms typing this, btw, and my heart is pounding out of my chest). 


•    At some point when the dog lived with us, I recall him biting on this bone like sticks, it's those sticks they use to keep good dental health I guess? At some point, I heard him gagging on it because he tried to swallow it, but it was still too big. I got it out of his throat because I felt he might choke on it. And suddenly I got this feeling of power and domination. Ever since that moment I would purposely feed him the stick in a way he would gag on it, but never really up until a point he would fully choke for a long time, just the gagging part is what I was looking for. I don't know why, but the gagging sound really made me feel good for some reason (I know this is so sick btw, I just can't comprehend why I felt like that 😢). 
•    Whenever he needed to pee, I felt this power of being able to decide if we would go out or not, sometimes (not always) I would purposely wait for a while or even longer, and he would be in pain I guess? From it. It even got to the point that I sometimes massaged its belly just to make it feel even worse... and when we finally went outside, and he just had to pee on the curb I felt in control again, I was the one who would decide when to do what. 
•    Once I was cooking and he would always come and sit next to me for pieces of meat, or other snacks, and at some point I recall using some black pepper and chili powder and it got on his nose, he started sneezing. I thought it was funny and I did this many times after, it also irritated his eyes and again I felt like I was in control while doing so. 
•    I had a habit of cooking chicken wings every other Saturday or so, and while eating, he would come and ask for some food. I gave him the leftover bones, and he loved them. The next day I went out to walk with him, and I figured he had issues pooping (I guess from the bone structure it really was hard to get it out). Knowing this, I kept giving him the leftovers on other occasions and found it funny to see him having trouble trying to poop. Again, I felt like I was in control. 
•    During that period I was also a fanatic in sports, and I would sometimes take some extra caffeine powder in a shake just to get some more energy during the day or during workouts. At some point I was wondering; what if I would give this to the dog, would it run faster? Would it go for miles? And as you might guess by now. I tried giving him some through his food, and he ate it. When we went outside, he was going 200% and would run like crazy. Again I did this on several occasions and I never thought of it as harm, just as something funny and innocent. Again I felt like I was in control I guess? 
  
I've probably not mentioned all the things I did up here but let me say one thing; just recalling these acts and writing them down really has gotten me sick to my stomach, I don't know how I can make amends. The dog moved to my father-in-law at a farm due to my wife having an allergic reaction to the dog's skin fibers. He lived a happy life over there and I am sincerely extremely happy about that.

It's just that I feel like such a monster and rightfully so, Why would I deserve any comfort of living? I mean I mentally and physically abused something which I strangely enough also loved VERY much. I loved the dog to bits, and as I said, if I at some occasion accidentally stepped on is tail, or paw I would feel terrible guilt and comforted him. We were very close as well (as weird as it may sound reading the above) we would lay together on the couch for hours, I would play with him a lot 
the last 8 years, I've just been asking myself this exact one thing; WHY ? 
•    Why did I do what I did? 
•    why did I not have the insights I have now? 
•    Why did I enjoy being able to hurt something or control something? 
•    and WHY did I do it to something I cared for so much? 

  
Many times on this forum I've seen people post about real event OCD and guilt, and actually all of those instances people perceived as they are monsters, while in the actual situation It's nothing more than a minor issue, and does not even come close to real 'dark' acts. 
  
But in my case it does. It's just pure evil. There is just one thing I cannot wrap my head around, how could it have been that although I had this sickening behavior towards things and people and beings I cared for. I really really loved them as well. 

How can one be so evil, and loving at the same time? What kind of sick monster do you have to be? 
  
The last 8 years, I've been trying to do as much as I can to make amends in some way. The dog sadly enough passed away 2 years after moving out due to his age I guess (15 yrs). 
So it's impossible to make amends to the dog.

I've become a Vegan about 4 years ago, hoping to recover some of the karma I've inflicted on animals, I've been donating to charities. But nothing I do makes me feel less guilty or remorseful. We have 2 cats right now, and in no way would I ever be able to do those things to them, hence I've become over protective of them. And the same goes for my 2 sons (3 yrs old and 1-year-old). 

Everyone around me sees I've changed tremendously as a person, I've become way softer, empathic, loving and just way more thoughtful. 
  
But It's just never enough, my OCD mainly is about things I've done wrong in the past, and I feel like the subject with the dog is the center of it all. It's the only subject that keep coming back and every progress I've made into recovering from OCD it just destroys it.


So I thought that maybe coming clean totally would be the best way of moving on? I've done so many other things, I've confronted myself for my wrongdoings, I've been trying to visualize the dog in front of me and apologizing to him, I've been writing letters of regret for him. But nothing works, not even a tiny bit. 


I am really lost out here, and I am searching for some advice. It could be that I'm not worthy of feeling ok anymore, I would like to hear so from anyone over here. My guilt and regret even got to the point that on several occasions and especially once occasion I almost committed suicide, as I felt that would be the ultimate way of showing my regret and remorse. If I sacrifice myself, maybe that would show the dog, people and the universe I'm deeply sorry for what I've done. 
But ever since I started having kids, I feel like I have a new responsibility, they need a father. And we have a seriously good bond. I love them deeply, and they love me as well (i guess). So taking my own life is not an option anymore.

But I would love to be able to 'accept' my past, I've learned from it (tremendously) and be the best father and husband I can be. Right now I can't, because I keep feeling I am such a horrible person and don't deserve love, life, family and friends. 
I would understand if you would judge me, I deserve it. I'm just hoping that people might believe me, that I have changed, and that I am trying my best in every way to somehow right my wrongdoings. Not only that, but I try and save as many animals as I can. I replace slugs, snails and even insects I see walking in front of me on the curb, because I feel it's my duty to save animals from potential harm. It even got to the point where I became fully vegan, but whatever I do, it just never feels enough. I guess real monsters like me should never feel like it's enough, we have to make amends forever. I've gotten an allotment last year, to grow my own veggies, not eating from groceries where pesticides are used and a lot of bugs etc. are killed, without the use of animal manure (which is a by product of animal suffering). And to make a minimal impact on the climate (again saving animal life). 


Most people that know me think it's crazy that I'm so full of hatred towards myself, they only see the person I am today, but they don't know who I used to be. If they would, they are going to be disgusted with me, and wish me dead. 

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I'm sorry you've been suffering so much with this. Reading it all now yes some of the things you did to the dog were a bit cruel (particularly the chilli/pepper on his nose and giving him the caffeine), but he was never actually harmed in the long run and he went on to live with your in-laws and had a happy life.

I'm not sure what you mean by making amends to the dog even if he were still alive. Dogs don't remember things in the same way and just live in the present moment. The dog was OK, and he went on to live a long and happy life so I would take comfort in that and not beat yourself up about your past mistakes.

Having an abusive alcoholic parent can mess you up a lot and while it doesn't excuse your behaviour it certainly explains it. I think you're overdoing it with trying to assuage your guilt by becoming vegan and donating to animal charities etc. These are good things on their own, but if you're only doing them to try and feel less guilty then it's not going to work. What will work is forgiving yourself and being kind to yourself and moving on with your life as a loving husband and father. And most importantly stop ruminating about this as that's a compulsion, so is confessing to us on here all of the bad things you think you've done, as is trying to reduce your guilt by doing charitable things.

Humans make mistakes all the time it's who we are, but the problem is you're not accepting that it's ok to make mistakes and to learn from them. You think you're a terrible, evil person because of mistakes you've made in the past which is obviously a faulty core belief that you have about yourself.

There is also the chance that you're mis-remembering things that you did and attaching more meaning and interpretation to them now than you did at the time, so it's worth bearing that in mind also.

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5 minutes ago, Lynz said:

I'm sorry you've been suffering so much with this. Reading it all now yes some of the things you did to the dog were a bit cruel (particularly the chilli/pepper on his nose and giving him the caffeine), but he was never actually harmed in the long run and he went on to live with your in-laws and had a happy life.

I'm not sure what you mean by making amends to the dog even if he were still alive. Dogs don't remember things in the same way and just live in the present moment. The dog was OK, and he went on to live a long and happy life so I would take comfort in that and not beat yourself up about your past mistakes.

Having an abusive alcoholic parent can mess you up a lot and while it doesn't excuse your behaviour it certainly explains it. I think you're overdoing it with trying to assuage your guilt by becoming vegan and donating to animal charities etc. These are good things on their own, but if you're only doing them to try and feel less guilty then it's not going to work. What will work is forgiving yourself and being kind to yourself and moving on with your life as a loving husband and father. And most importantly stop ruminating about this as that's a compulsion, so is confessing to us on here all of the bad things you think you've done, as is trying to reduce your guilt by doing charitable things.

Humans make mistakes all the time it's who we are, but the problem is you're not accepting that it's ok to make mistakes and to learn from them. You think you're a terrible, evil person because of mistakes you've made in the past which is obviously a faulty core belief that you have about yourself.

There is also the chance that you're mis-remembering things that you did and attaching more meaning and interpretation to them now than you did at the time, so it's worth bearing that in mind also.

I get what you're saying, and even reading back my post above, I find inaccurate things like the first point where I stated about the gagging. I forgot to mention that at some point I figured out that he also gagged if i sort of pushed at his throat in a certain way... Furthermore, I don't know how to describe this because I feel so bad for it now, reliving it and thinking about it. Besides, I guess i sort of did choke him... until he gagged once and then released, I did it while he tried to swallow food because I figured that's when he possibly needed to gag. Even writing out my possible stream of thoughts at those moments is so confronting, I have not thought about this in such a detailed manner, because I've tried to push it away. In a sense, it really looks like some childish bullying I did as a kid but never outgrew that behavior, but I don't get it why I did what I did. The stupid thing is, afterwards I would be nice to him again as if nothing happened, almost exactly as how my mother would do with me and my younger brother.

I've been choking myself several times lately to feel and go through what the dog must have gone through. 

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When you're abused as a child you will do anything you can to feel in control of you life and because the only example you have is that of an abuser you will end up replicating that abuse.  It's just what happens.  I was bullied at school and abused by my grandmother amongst other things and acted out much you like you by bullying my best friend, smaller children etc etc.  I feel bad for it now but I also understand that those actions were the product of the situation I was in.  Of course that doesn't change feeling bad about it but looking forward - since that is the only place you can look - I make amends for it by being aware of the fact I can be like that and making the effort not to be.  It's pretty much that simple.  

Everyone is capable of doing hurtful things.  It doesn't mean anything other than that.  The best thing you can do is accept that and move on with your life.

You have to forgive yourself.  Which I know is hard when you've been brought up by a person who spent their time trying to absolutely crush your self esteem and any positive view you have of yourself but your mother's version of you is not who you are.  She's just a voice in your head who doesn't know what she's talking about. 

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1 minute ago, Ironborn said:

I've been choking myself several times lately to feel and go through what the dog must have gone through. 

Yeah no, stop doing that that's ******* stupid.  You're caught in an abusive paradigm.  It happens.  Once an abuser has gone the abuse remains and we continue to carry out the abuse ourselves by following the patterns put in place by that abuser.  By continually reliving this thing with the dog you are taking the place of your mother and constantly harrying yourself for your perceived monstrous behaviour.  

You really need to talk about this in therapy with a trained professional who can tell you more about how to deal with this subject without physically harming yourself.

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1 minute ago, ocdjonesy said:

When you're abused as a child you will do anything you can to feel in control of you life and because the only example you have is that of an abuser you will end up replicating that abuse.  It's just what happens.  I was bullied at school and abused by my grandmother amongst other things and acted out much you like you by bullying my best friend, smaller children etc etc.  I feel bad for it now but I also understand that those actions were the product of the situation I was in.  Of course that doesn't change feeling bad about it but looking forward - since that is the only place you can look - I make amends for it by being aware of the fact I can be like that and making the effort not to be.  It's pretty much that simple.  

Everyone is capable of doing hurtful things.  It doesn't mean anything other than that.  The best thing you can do is accept that and move on with your life.

You have to forgive yourself.  Which I know is hard when you've been brought up by a person who spent their time trying to absolutely crush your self esteem and any positive view you have of yourself but your mother's version of you is not who you are.  She's just a voice in your head who doesn't know what she's talking about. 

Do you even think so in my case, considering my reply to @Lynz? The part about choking?

I feel that part I initially left out (not on purpose) really gives the story another layer of true evil that must have been inside me.

I know It's not there anymore, or at least I've learned that it's actually really wrong to act that way.

The bullying behavior had been going on  for quite a while, btw. so it's not just on one occasion.

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Yes.  I do still think so.  There was never an evil in you there was just a mother who told you there was.  There's no such thing as evil there's just people in f*cked up circumstances trying to deal with them in the only way they know how and the only way you knew how at the time was to do what had been done to you.  Now you know better.  

Stop letting your mothers ******** colour your view of yourself.  She was a miserable sad woman who bullied her own children to make herself feel better and that does not reflect on you what so ever.

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1 minute ago, ocdjonesy said:

Yeah no, stop doing that that's ******* stupid.  You're caught in an abusive paradigm.  It happens.  Once an abuser has gone the abuse remains and we continue to carry out the abuse ourselves by following the patterns put in place by that abuser.  By continually reliving this thing with the dog you are taking the place of your mother and constantly harrying yourself for your perceived monstrous behaviour.  

You really need to talk about this in therapy with a trained professional who can tell you more about how to deal with this subject without physically harming yourself.

Also, our mother never physically abused us. It's just that she scared us by telling scary stories and then afterward getting us close to her again and cuddling. She also told me that i myself hated my father, all tough I could not recollect me saying such things. 

And even to this day, I'm not mad at her. We have on and off text contact. I just feel sorry for her, since she had been abused as a child as well, she was raped etc etc.

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You can feel sorry for her while realising what she did had a negative effect on you.  It's totally normal and tbh something that everyone who has been abused and then done the work to understand it and themselves feels.  I hate my grandmother for the things she did to me and the effect they had one me while also understanding she was a person with her own set of difficult circumstances to face.  It's a pretty complicate way to feel but it it is what it is.  You just have to accept it and do your best.

Seriously stop choking yourself though.  The dog doesn't care.  The dog is dead.  Instead of punishing yourself for things you did in the past make up for it by being a loving father to your sons.  It's a far better hobby than self abuse.

Edited by ocdjonesy
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1 minute ago, ocdjonesy said:

You can feel sorry for her while realising what she did had a negative effect on you.  It's totally normal and tbh something that everyone who has been abused and then done the work to understand it and themselves feels.  I hate my grandmother for the things she did to me and the effect they had one me while also understanding she was a person with her own set of difficult circumstances to face.  It's a pretty complicate way to feel but it it is what it is.  You just have to accept it and do your best.

Seriously stop choking yourself though.  The dog doesn't care.  The dog is dead.  Instead of punishing yourself for things you did in the past make up for it by being a loving to your sons.  It's a far better hobby than self abuse.

I get what you're saying. Sometimes I even doubt that my behavior is due to my mothers' behavior directly. I guess what also had its influence on me was just her absence, staying in bed all day and leaving me and my brother roaming the house as 6 - 7 - 8-year-old with a 3 yr younger brother.

We at some point had barely any food in the house, were disconnected from power and or gas. She even was being a prostitute at one point, thinking I would not know what it was. I've remembered all of it, actually.

I guess even tough she (as far as I can remember) never hit us or physically attacked us, our home, and environment felt very dangerous, weird criminal type people coming into our house, she had fights with different people in our city (Amsterdam) up until the point when we were walking outside she got attacked and pepper sprayed by someone and dragging us into it. Taking us as very young kids with her to café's and bars, where she drank, and gambled....

Could it be, besides possible bullying behavior, that the above can have attributed to me having acted the way I acted when I was teen / 20s ?

Because I feel no resentment towards her, and I barely think or had thought about the past. Does that not mean that what I went through as a child is to be seen totally separated from what I did as a youngster til my 26 / 27th?

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17 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

Do you even think so in my case, considering my reply to @Lynz? The part about choking?

I feel that part I initially left out (not on purpose) really gives the story another layer of true evil that must have been inside me.

I know It's not there anymore, or at least I've learned that it's actually really wrong to act that way.

The bullying behavior had been going on  for quite a while, btw. so it's not just on one occasion.

The part that you left out of the story doesn't change my initial opinion and reply to you at all.

And choking yourself is really pointless and harmful. Are you currently having therapy? If not you need to discuss this with a professional who can help you to stop these behaviours and help you to move forward with your life.

As blunt as this might sound you need to forget about the dog now and focus on your family and your future.

Edited by Lynz
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18 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

Could it be, besides possible bullying behavior, that the above can have attributed to me having acted the way I acted when I was teen / 20s ?

Because I feel no resentment towards her, and I barely think or had thought about the past. Does that not mean that what I went through as a child is to be seen totally separated from what I did as a youngster til my 26 / 27th?

Yes all of that attributed to your behaviour.  What you are describing are called Adverse Childhood Experiences or ACES.  You can find out more about them here.  Not thinking about your past in that context is entirely normal because to you, your childhood was normal.  You didn't have another example to compare it to and as such have never viewed it through a lens that allowed you to see just how much went wrong and how much that affected you.  

As an example of what we're talking about I was groomed and then sexually abused by a female neighbour as a child and because this is not a narrative you hear very often (if at all) I did not realise until I was much older (in my mid thirties) that that is what had happened and what a serious effect that had had on my life.  It's a very common phenomena and has to do with how we cope in a situation we are involved in vs how we are able to view that situation when we are no longer in it.  Which is why it takes many people until their 30s when they are set up and stable and in a safe place to fully realise and deal with the trauma of their pasts.  Quite often a trigger for a person to rethink their childhood is having children themselves and realising just how small and defenceless they are and in turn how small and defenceless they themselves were when their abuser targeted them.

I would advise you to discuss all this further with your therapy team in order for you to gain a new perspective on yourself and your past that could be the key to moving past your OCD.

Edited by ocdjonesy
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Have you considered asking your GP for a referral for some psychotherapy?  You clearly had an unhealthy and abusive childhood and it may help you unravel some of the complex issues.  This in turn will further help with your OCD

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10 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Have you considered asking your GP for a referral for some psychotherapy?  You clearly had an unhealthy and abusive childhood and it may help you unravel some of the complex issues.  This in turn will further help with your OCD

Will it?

I've been told I might need some intensive therapy for personality issues. I then got referred to someone and we talked once every 2 weeks, but that therapist told me my OCD was too profound to being able to get any deeper.

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Well you need to do something otherwise you're going to just go round and round forever and since you seem to be at a place where you're willing to look at your past now might be the time.  I imagine you'd also have to enter into a contract whereby you agreed to stop doing your compulsions while you were undergoing the psychotherapy because they are stopping you from properly engaging with yourself and your past but if you agree to do that I don't see why it wouldn't work.

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30 minutes ago, ocdjonesy said:

Yes all of that attributed to your behaviour.  What you are describing are called Adverse Childhood Experiences or ACES.  You can find out more about them here.  Not thinking about your past in that context is entirely normal because to you, your childhood was normal.  You didn't have another example to compare it to and as such have never viewed it through a lens that allowed you to see just how much went wrong and how much that affected you.  

As an example of what we're talking about I was groomed and then sexually abused by a female neighbour as a child and because this is not a narrative you hear very often (if at all) I did not realise until I was much older (in my mid thirties) that that is what had happened and what a serious effect that had had on my life.  It's a very common phenomena and has to do with how we cope in a situation we are involved in vs how we are able to view that situation when we are no longer in it.  Which is why it takes many people until their 30s when they are set up and stable and in a safe place to fully realise and deal with the trauma of their pasts.  Quite often a trigger for a person to rethink their childhood is having children themselves and realising just how small and defenceless they are and in turn how small and defenceless they themselves were when their abuser targeted them.

I would advise you to discuss all this further with your therapy team in order for you to gain a new perspective on yourself and your past that could be the key to moving past your OCD.

I've searched some things up on Adverse Childhood Experiences. And been watching this video on YouTube just now from a ted talks about this subject. And during the whole video, I just have tears breaking out of my eyes. I constantly think about my sons, but I'm also constantly seeing my younger me. And I feel real sadness for him, compassion. 

I've always told myself my youth and upbringing was of no effect on whom I am or what I've done. But I might have to rethink that. It really scares me actually, I feel very vulnerable just thinking about it. i suddenly remember how i used to sit in bed awake and scared to death while i heard my mother screaming in the house towards my father, or other people. Sometimes she would drag me out of bed in the middle of a fight just as a way to hurt my father. She used us to get to him.

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She called the cops on my father and said he was being abused, while actually she was not. Just for me and my brother to see the cops busting the door and arresting our father in front of our eyes, this happened multiple times, actually. And every time it happened i was begging my father to stay home, stay with us..

Edited by Ironborn
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Yeah that doesn't sound nice at all.  No wonder you're not feeling great.  You really need to take this to a therapist so you can have somewhere safe to talk about this stuff with a trained professional who can guide you through it.  I'd say you were ready to go there now since this is coming up naturally for you.  

I'm sorry it hurts and that those things happened to you.  But something you can try to do right now is take that compassion you have for the child you and apply it to yourself now.  You didn't deserve those things that happened to you and the voice in your head telling you did and that you continue to deserve punishment is you trying to rationalise your treatment.  It becomes a case of you telling yourself that if you were at fault for being evil then the things that happened make sense.  If you weren't at fault and were and are in fact just a normal person trying to cope with awful things happening to them for no real reason that is in a way much worse emotionally to deal with.  As such your OCD become a safety net whereby you continually feed back into the loop of abuse that your mother set up for you and you become your own jailer forever telling yourself that your past was ok because you deserved it.  But you did not. 

It's not right.  You shouldn't live like this.  Try to feel the compassion you feel for your mother and your young self for who are now and move forward.  

edited to say : I know this doesn't feel positive at the minute but it is.  Looking at your past in this new way is actually a huge breakthrough.  You'll have to do a lot of work to keep processing these things but you'd be surprised to find out that actually it can feel like a huge relief to let yourself feel those emotions instead of stamping them down through compulsions and self blame.

Edited by ocdjonesy
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