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Has my fear come true?


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I'm really sorry to open a new thread but this is a different subject. 

Something happened at work today. I started my shift wondering what were the reasons behind my staring at very young people (14 to 18, or something like that) that I unfortunately did a few weeks ago. I started feeling weird, I even noticed some sort of arousal. I was on the shop floor doing my jobs and having those thoughts at the same time. Then I noticed two customers standing next to me - my guess was they were a father with his daughter. I noticed that the daughter was a teen maybe (I'm really sorry, I know this sounds creepy but it's important for the story). The arousal I had before got stronger when I looked at the girl. And then a very disgusting thing happened. I felt like I was enjoying the arousal and then I looked at the girl again because of that. I then started having extremely gross thoughts that I wanted to keep looking at her because I wanted to enjoy the moment in a sexual way. And then, like a really bad impulse, I looked at her again and that's when I felt like a predator. I felt like I couldn't control myself and that it was pleasurable. And I'm convinced I wasn't checking or testing myself.

I simply couldn't stop myself from looking at that girl and felt like I was enjoying it. You might say that I'm exaggerating but all those feelings and thoughts felt predatory. I cried after and couldn't believe it. I cried again when my boyfriend got there a few hours later but I couldn't tell him. 

I think I'm not explaining it as accurately as it actually happened. This happened about 6 hours ago so my memory is not as fresh.  

I just want to know what I can do now. You have no idea how disgusted with myself I am. I really fear all of this proves that my fear has come true. I hope someone can help me, I would really appreciate it. 

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Cora, this is just more of the same. You've got to start recognizing that. Something happens that makes you feel bad about yourself. You come here and confess. You want our reassurance. Round and endlessly round you go.

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Another confession, another compulsion Cora.  Something guaranteed to keep your OCD alive and strong.  Given that, do you think it's helpful to keep answering these threads when it's helping to worsen the situation?  It has no prospect of helping you, of making things better so what might be a better course of action?

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Thank you very much for your help everyone! I'm really sorry I didn't reply last night, I was quite tired from work and couldn't think straight. 

11 hours ago, HelloItsMe said:

Are you getting help for your OCD, Cora? I really think you should reach out to someone about this, you’re clearly suffering badly.

@HelloItsMe, I'm supposed to have an initial appointment with a therapist next week. I really hope she won't get scared of me or think I'm a freak. 

1 hour ago, ocd veteran said:

Cora. This should help. Watch the Ali Greymond Video on  utube "Physical Sensations in OCD" It might truly help you understand.

Thank you, @ocd veteran, I will have a look. 

11 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Cora, this is just more of the same. You've got to start recognizing that. Something happens that makes you feel bad about yourself. You come here and confess. You want our reassurance. Round and endlessly round you go.

 

10 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Another confession, another compulsion Cora.  Something guaranteed to keep your OCD alive and strong.  Given that, do you think it's helpful to keep answering these threads when it's helping to worsen the situation?  It has no prospect of helping you, of making things better so what might be a better course of action?

@PolarBearand @Caramoole, I promise I understand that confessing and asking for reassurance is only making my situation worse in the long run, but what happened was truly awful. I deliberately looked at that young girl because of a sick reason which was the arousal. I looked at her as a way of purposely entertaining the arousal and the whole creepy situation. Second time I looked at her it felt extremely wrong but I really wanted to look at her again and so I did it. And I definitely didn't do it for checking or testing, it was more like a sexual desire or something. It's really difficult for me to describe in words what really happened. I feel lost and if I'm back in therapy any time soon, I have no idea where to start from, I feel like there are so many incidents and things to discuss and it's all a mess. 

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So why aren't you just enjoying these physical sensations that you're having?  You tell us that you're doing this on purpose to be aroused. Yours & my defenition of enjoyment and arousal are very different......mine would heavily include "enjoyment" but (apart from feeling a sensation in your genitals) I don't see you describing enjoyment or pleasure.

You still treat every incident as though it was the first, as though "this time" it's different, this time it's "definitely" weird or dangerous.  I'm saddened to say that you're not really learning from the advice.......as such, nothing is going to improve.  Sadly, the situation is going to be similar with a therapist.  You will still have to deal with these situations and you will have to change how you react.

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2 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

So why aren't you just enjoying these physical sensations that you're having?  You tell us that you're doing this on purpose to be aroused. Yours & my defenition of enjoyment and arousal are very different......mine would heavily include "enjoyment" but (apart from feeling a sensation in your genitals) I don't see you describing enjoyment or pleasure.

I'm not sure, Caramoole. I have no answer. I don't know why I do these things and why they happen. I don't know why I put myself in this kind of situations. It's like I almost lose control of my own mind and body. I don't know how to describe this feeling of enjoyment but it's there; yes, it's twisted and much different than the one I have when I'm with my partner but it's still there. I don't know, it's all so confusing. 

10 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

You still treat every incident as though it was the first, as though "this time" it's different, this time it's "definitely" weird or dangerous. 

Yes, that's what I do... It always feels different and more overwhelming. And it's worse when I cause it and do awful things on purpose. 

 

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1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

You still treat every incident as though it was the first, as though "this time" it's different, this time it's "definitely" weird or dangerous. 

This..... 

I, like many I would suspect, have, or are, going through the eaxct same stuff. I simply got to a point where whenever I have: thoughts, groinal, feelings, sensations, rumination etc etc etc,   I just think, oh well, here we go again, been through it all before it's really boring now, nothing ever happens so likely never will...  and through that, I (you) develop a 'I couldn't care anymore' type attitude towards it all for the most part.

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6 hours ago, Cora said:

would it be safe (for me and everyone else) to just say this is part of my OCD and just move on? I'm tired of this and I want to stop thinking about it and what it means. 

Although this is phrased as if you're trying to make a decision to help yourself, it's actually more of the same reassurance seeking. :wontlisten:

Not to mention that you've asked this question multiple times before and been told every time that YES, treat it as OCD and move on WITHOUT thinking about it is exactly what you should be doing.

So stop dithering and DO it.

 

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